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Emm

Stealth Mod
Wow, such a warm reception for a newbie looking for advice, and answers for questions..... No one is perfect, and everyone here has made mistakes in their past. If this is what this message board is all about(tearing down people who are looking for answeres) then you all should be ashamed of yourselves, and are a very poor representative of a beautiful culture, that is looking for legitimacy daily..... If you don't have anything informative to add, or something constructive to help out someone looking for answers, then refrain from the conversation, and keep your narrow-minded views to yourself. :mad:
Firstly, you're not the forum police so keep the posting instructions to yourself. Secondly, just because it isn't framed in the hand-holding manner you want doesn't mean it's not good advice. Thirdly, if you're concerned about projecting legitimacy, then leaning heavily on the "ethical" part of ethical non-monogamy is important. Cheating is not, by any definition I'm familiar with, ethical.

If someone were to join a aircraft enthusiast forum and talk about how they were applying for a job with Qantas as a senior pilot even though they didn't have a pilot's licence and it was all going to work out because they'd watched Snakes on a Plane and could ride a scooter, then it wouldn't be unreasonable for the other members to advise them to adjust their expectations. It's the same here. The OP has an expectation that she'll be welcomed into a triad relationship by someone who has every reason to hate the very air she breathes. It's not unreasonable for members here to point out the flaws in her thinking. Giving her the "there, there, it'll all work out" treatment you seem to want to see would be doing her a disservice.
 

Luv2HaveMore

New member
Forum police? LOL! Your analogy is absolutely pointless and entirely off base. This forum is a waste of time for anyone seeking helpful, information help about Polyamory.... Don't get upset at me for pointing it out. No need to Ban me, I have no intention of associating with such a closed minded group of posers, who have delusions of being "Open minded"...... I will go enjoy true freedoms, and groups that truly understand love, and compassion for their fellow man.
 

PolyinPractice

New member
If someone were to join a aircraft enthusiast forum and talk about how they were applying for a job with Qantas as a senior pilot even though they didn't have a pilot's licence and it was all going to work out because they'd watched Snakes on a Plane and could ride a scooter, then it wouldn't be unreasonable for the other members to advise them to adjust their expectations.

Brilliant :)
 

YouAreHere

Well-known member
I'm mono. My partner is poly. I went into my relationship with both eyes open, knowing that he was in another relationship that was pretty new as well. We started off without any dishonesty, without any cheating, and it was STILL more difficult, emotionally, than I expected.

I love him and he loves her and I both so what better way to enjoy life than to all be together. Isn't that the idea? Just looking for helpful ways to go about it.

It's your idea. It may be his idea. But it's most definitely not hers, since she's going to be blindsided by it

Even though I'm in a poly relationship, I do not want to be together with everyone 24/7. I love my partner, not his OSO. We're friends, but we don't "click" as close friends, despite her desire to have that level of closeness. I had to ask her to stop with the pressure to have our relationship be something it's not.

Please try to step out of your own shoes and think about how she's going to feel, not how you can coerce her into feeling differently. Damage will be done, and that will have to be healed before you can ever try to get her to consider something new.

What's in this for her? A "relationship" with someone she doesn't know, who's been seeing her BF behind her back, and therefore, is probably going to be seen as completely untrustworthy? Less of her BF as his time is divided between the two of you, just as she needs to rebuild her trust in him and work at keeping that relationship alive (if she even wants to)?

Feel free to shut me out as being harsh, but you're in for a shitstorm. Good luck to all of you.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
Forum police? LOL! Your analogy is absolutely pointless and entirely off base. This forum is a waste of time for anyone seeking helpful, information help about Polyamory.... Don't get upset at me for pointing it out. No need to Ban me, I have no intention of associating with such a closed minded group of posers, who have delusions of being "Open minded"...... I will go enjoy true freedoms, and groups that truly understand love, and compassion for their fellow man.

And your real life experience with Polyamory is what?

You have made no post introducing yourself. Yet you are more than happy to come in pointing fingers and throwing out accusations.

Those of us replying to this thread have out have had successful poly relationships of various configurations.

The shenanigans like the OP has been partaking in is the reason the average Joe believes poly is just a fancy name for cheating. People who live non ethically are the ones who give those of us who do go about our relationships the right way a bad name.
 

FullofLove1052

New member
Forum police? LOL! Your analogy is absolutely pointless and entirely off base. This forum is a waste of time for anyone seeking helpful, information help about Polyamory.... Don't get upset at me for pointing it out. No need to Ban me, I have no intention of associating with such a closed minded group of posers, who have delusions of being "Open minded"...... I will go enjoy true freedoms, and groups that truly understand love, and compassion for their fellow man.

There is no helpful information about poly? Are you kidding? This is a public forum, and this is one of how many thousands of threads? Come off it. Not everyone is going to hand out sugar coated advice. In real life, not everyone pats our hand and tells us, "There, there dearie. It will all work out in the end and be peachy keen."

The OP came here, and these people gave advice and insight on how THEY would handle the situation. No one was disrespectful to the OP, and if she felt that anyone was, she can report them to the mods. As you can see, they are all around this board and actively participating. You are speaking on her behalf like she is unable to do so. I am not sure of her age, but she is a grown woman. You act like you are personally involved because you are getting titty hurt.

You were here for a hot second, and you did nothing but judge everyone who commented on this post. In the same breath, you turn around and call people close minded, hypocritical, and posers. The insult hurling thing you are doing is damn sure not helping the OP's predicament. I have not seen a bit of advice from you to her. Yet, you want to dismiss our advice because it does not meet your standards or approval. I hope you find a forum that is better suited to your particular needs. I wish you well.

Next.

OP, they have given sound and realistic advice that is reasonable and blunt. Sometimes tough love is what is needed. What you are describing will be difficult if it is attainable, and there is no easy way to do it. I hope you find peace within the situation and learn from this. I also hope her boyfriend tells her the truth and soon. She deserves that. Best of luck.
 

SouthernGal

New member
She knew about me and took advantage of that. She never felt like she'd done anything wrong. He was very remorseful and apologetic. Over time, I forgave him & we agreed to a poly lifestyle, but she had to go. She never apologized or showed remorse and started getting angry at me, so that relationship had to end. Hope that your guy's woman is open-minded, but make sure you acknowledge the pain you helped cause her & apologize sincerely if you really want this to work. It can happen, but be prepared to work hard for it. If she's not open about it, it may fail anyway. Good luck.
 
If it were me, I would direct the guy's girlfriend to this website if she is somebody who finds on-line support helpful. I found it incredibly helpful in assisting me to gain some understanding of poly when I met my SO and he told me that he had had several poly relationships and feels very positively toward that style of relationship.

After reading here lots, talking to friends who have been poly and going to some talks on the subject, I came to the conclusion that while I see the benefits to some and understand how wonderful it can be, it isn't right for me or for the relationship I'm in just now.

Things might change in time but for now my SO and I are monogamous with each other. With the understanding that if he at any time needs to be in a poly relationship again, we can shift to being friends so that both of us are able to seek whatever relationships we believe will help us be more happy.

I found this site invaluable in helping me resolve my thoughts and feelings on the matter. It's hard when faced with somebody talking about how wonderful poly is to be able to say no to it without feeling as though you are being controlling and close minded. This site is a valuable source of wisdom and experience about why poly may not be wonderful for all people at every time in their life. It helped me lots.

If the guy's girlfriend doesn't find internet support useful I'd suggest making it clear to her that she should talk to her friends and family about what's going on. Finding out that the guy she lives with and loves has been lying to her about a significant part of his life for 18 months is going to be a blow to her. She will need love and support and may well not want to seek those things from people who have been lying to her for so long.

For yourself, I'd also suggest caution. It is not at all uncommon for people who are willing and able to lie to those closest to them about major things in their lives to do it to everybody in their lives. Be aware that you don't have the full picture. You only have the word of a person who is willing to lie to get what they want.

You wouldn't be the first person to start a relationship while cheating only to find that the person who was willing to cheat on their existing partner with you is equally as willing to cheat on you with somebody else.

Poly is no safeguard against cheating. Have a read of these boards. It isn't unheard of for people who have a habit of lying to and cheating on partners to continue doing so even when they are free to have multiple relationships.

Good luck to all of you.

IP
 

london

Banned
Whilst I think that cheating isn't polyamory and transitioning from cheating to poly never works for anyone because the betrayal and mistrust leaves scars that will never heal in a way that gives newcomers a fair chance at developing a relationship, we do have people on the site who used to be cheating and now they are poly because everything is now above.board. Perhaps looking through their posts will be helpful.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Speaking from the position of having been the other woman on this side of the equation, don't get your hopes up. When she finds out, she'll be hurt, angry, and feel betrayed and will likely focus that wrath at least in part on you. She may forgive him, but she has every reason not to forgive you. It's worth a shot, but let him take the lead, be prepared to do someserious groveling, and don't ignore the possibility that it won't work out the way you want.

I had a 10 year affair on my husband.
THEN I found out about poly.

It took almost 3 years of hell to work through the trust issues and start building a new foundation for a healthy poly relationship.
We DID manage to build it-with the man who I had the ongoing affair with.

BUT it wasn't easy. There were a LOT of restrictions, including us not seeing each other at all for an extended period of time. Not having a sexual relationship for extended period of time (I am talking year+ not a couple weeks or months). No privacy. No secrets. All emails, all texts, all phone conversations, all mail, completely open to my husband.

There was months of therapy with a counselor trained in trauma and communication.

There were times of living apart for dh and I. Once for 6 months. Then another for a year.

Only halfway through the 3rd year was he finally able to accept that lying and cheating was in the past, let that go and start moving forward....

So, yes, it can be done. No it isn't easy (or likely). Most people aren't willing to put in years of their life to fix something like this sort of breach of trust.
 

SouthernGal

New member
I completely agree. Sometimes, as hard as it gets, it's still worth it to fight and work things out. No relationship is ever about only one person. It's everyone involved. In many ways, when I found out it was as painful for him as it was for me. He was truly remorseful & terrified of what would happen. It took a lot if fighting, crying, and talking to get past it on both our sides. There a whole lot of water under that bridge, but I'm glad we stuck it out.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Ummm.... Polyamory is based upon ETHICAL non monogamy. Not banging your friends boyfriend then saying hey why don't we have a threesome or triad

Strictly speaking, ETHICAL polyamory is based on ethical non monogamy. Polyamory is just based on romantically loving multiple people. While I think this is an instance where most can agree that this is the "wrong way" to do polyamory, it still is "a way." Just like two people can get married and be cruel to each other and have an absolutely terrible marriage, but that does not negate its existence as "a marriage."

As for the OP, there will be two completely different issues to confront. Polyamory will be one, but the cheating will be another one entirely. They need to be dealt with as two completely different issues, not just two sides of the same issue.

Cheating is 100% about lying. Finding out that your partner has been lying to you for 18 months, be it about another relationship, a drug addiction, or having lost your life savings in the stock market, is a devastating blow. The lying itself is going to be the major problem there. That he was lying about being with another woman is just the object of the lie. What hurts people most when they're cheated on is that they were lied to.

They'll need a lot of time as a couple to deal with the lies and trust issues surrounding the cheating. That will have to happen before there's even a chance she'll be willing to consider polyamory. You need to be prepared that you might have to step away for months, maybe over a year, before they'll be recovered enough to move forward.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
Our Vee got off to a rocky start...Dude and I had a "cheating"-type relationship for 3 months before the shit hit the fan. And it hit pretty hard. Reconciliation required another 3 months of "no contact" between Dude and me and MrS. (You can read the whole sordid saga in my Journey blog here.)

You and your bf have been together for SIX times as long...I can only imagine what will be required to effect reconciliation, if it is even possible...

We were able to work through the "cheating" and rebuild our relationships with each other (all of them) - helped by the fact, I think, that I have always ID'd as poly and so this was NOT a new concept to MrS; and that Dude and MrS were already close/best friends before this happened...and genuinely care about and love each other (platonically).

If his GF is *amazing* you just might be able to work this out...but I wouldn't hold my breath and I would be prepared for the shitstorm that cometh...
 

london

Banned
Yeah, the way I see it, polyamory falls under the umbrella of ethical non monogamy so cheating itself cannot be polyamory. You can, however, cheat in a polyamorous relationship by breaking agreements. But again, cheating isn't polyamory. Polyamory has to have the consent of all involved to meet the criteria for ethical non monogamy. Cheating comes under the huge non monogamy umbrella but not the smaller ethical non monogamy umbrella.
 
Well, here is the issue. Introducing a monogamous person to polyamory by saying "I've been lying to you for years" is really not easy to do nicely. You want her to see the goodness of polyamory... But a huge part of it is the honesty; and you have shown her that both you and her boyfriend cannot be honest.

Getting her to trust that you will be honest in the future is just as big an obstacle as getting her to see poly as a good idea. If someone hasn't chosen polyamory on their own... It's a shot in the dark if they are willing to change their lifestyle.

If there is one thing I've learned.. It is never lie to someone even if it is just to protect their feelings. What you have done with her boyfriend can only be described as cheating. Getting that out in the open is necessary, even if that means she leaves him. It might be painful, but it is respectful of her.

That is the best I can say for this type of situation.
 

northhome

New member
What you have done with her boyfriend can only be described as cheating.

I suspect this is the real nub of the issue here if I read the OP correctly. Of course she wants things to work out wonderfully now that they've decided to be honest. That's human. But I suspect she's in a bit of denial when it comes to her own behaviour.

The harsh reality is that her actions have been the complete antithesis of what poly is about. Sure, she might be making some internal shifts to a more ethical relationship paradigm. She may even be using polyamory as a way to justify her own past as it validates the concept of multiple relationships.

But assuming that the GF will somehow be OK with this retroactively is, at best, wishful thinking I fear.
 

AnonymousMe

New member
It requires so much pain, and work, and dedication and willingness to listen and to really change that for most, it is not possible.

This pretty much describes, for me, what opening my marriage has been like WITHOUT any cheating or lies involved (beyond the ones I told myself and therefore my wife about being ok in monogamous relationship).

As far as the OP - I personally think your best bet is to just come clean to the gf about what you and her bf have been doing. Say your sorry and leave it at that. Don't try and stay in the picture right off the bat, let the bf do what he needs to do to save his 7 year relationship. Then, if the gf can manage to stay with him, and if she is a more forgiving person than most and is okay with her bf staying in touch with you (and he chooses to), then he can bring up the topic of poly and wanting to keep you in his life in a more romantic/sexual way. But only once he has rebuilt the damaged relationship.

Oh, another thing to consider is that in some cases, those that lie and cheat in a past relationship tend to be the type of person who is willing to lie and cheat in a future relationship (not always, and no judgement meant or implied on those who have genuinely made mistakes in their lives). Just something to think about.
 
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