Need Help! New Poly!

[Wanderlust11]

Need Help! New Poly!
My husband & I have been together for 16 years, since we were kids really. We are in our early 30s & full time RV. Ever since December, we have been meeting a small group of friends (2 other couples & their kids) for small sleepovers that range from 2 days to a week. We’ve been doing this about every 2 weeks or so for the last 3 months. I had an awakening of sorts in December where I came aware that I am poly which has caused a little drama within my marriage (but we’re working through it). Anyway, this isn’t about my marriage per se. One of the couples is my best friend & her husband (which I consider one of my best friends too). We have gotten quite close! Meaning, we’ve had sex next to each other in the same bed and I cuddle with both of them regularly. Although, we’ve all agreed to tone down the sex part for our friendship, the emotions are still very strong between us. My best friend and I have always had a more loving bond but in January, her husband started telling me that he loves me too (before the sex). We have some sort of connection that I can’t quite explain but regularly stare probably too long in each other’s eyes & really enjoy touching each other. Both of our love languages is touch. He has permission to sexually be with me by my best friend but I do not have that same permission as of right now. We both deny that desire to our spouses because we feel it would ruin our friendship. We both have very flowy personalities (Aquarius and Pisces) so we don’t talk all the time but he called me a couple days ago & we talked for a half hour with it ending in him telling me a loves me in which I always respond that I do too. I know I’m in love with him & probably in love with my best friend too. I’m also in love with husband & lay in his arms for hours every day. I’m satisfied within my marriage but I love to love so I’m open to loving others romantically as well. Which brings me to why I need help. What the hell should I do? Should I talk with my friends husband? Or leave it alone to naturally flow? My husband knows that I love them deeply. I’m a Pisces and am emotional so I can’t hide my feelings from him. He is ok with me loving them, cuddling them, and we’ve even been planning on living in an intentional community with them, it’s just the sex thing that gets to him.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm not sure you are posting in the right place. I would have guessed this goes in the "Poly Corner" area rather than the "seeking partners in North America" area.

I hope you feel better for airing out though.

We both deny that desire to our spouses because we feel it would ruin our friendship.

I don't understand what that means. Do you mean its two couples here? Two wives who are friends each with their own husband? And the spouses guess or ask about you and the other husband having an attraction or wanting to sharing sex with each other?

And you both lie to your respective spouses? You say you are NOT attracted to each other and you DON'T want sex with the other one? Because even though there IS an attraction you think actually sharing sex would ruin the friendship?

Well...What does not being honest with the spouses do to the marriages?

If your goal is to be friends only with the friend's husband? Align your behaviors to the goal. Stop behaving like you are smitten/crushing on him. Tone down the sleepovers, the cuddling, all of that.

He is ok with me loving them, cuddling them, and we’ve even been planning on living in an intentional community with them, it’s just the sex thing that gets to him.

So basically your husband does not consent to you being in a full on polyship with your best friend and her husband. For a 4 people thing to work, it needs to be a 4 people yes. You do not have that. Don't jump the gun. You are adults. Just because you feel stuff, doesn't mean you HAVE to pursue.

You don't sound like you want to break up with your husband so you can pursue this cleanly without dragging him behind you. Like changing this to a 3 people thing where the 3 people already consent.

So....

You could ask your husband if this is a soft limit that might change over time. Or if it is a hard limit that will never change.
Then you would have some more info.

In the meanwhile? Since you want to be friends with the other husband at this time and not risk wrecking the friendship? I'd suggest dialing it back the "lovey-dovey" behaviours. You are not actually his poly partner or girlfriend.

Stop doing so many sleepovers. Stop doing "parallel sex." Stop cuddling so much or doing goo goo eyes. Reduce the stimulus that fuels the crushing on each other.

Keep it more firmly in the "friend" space and not in this "acting like I wannabe your GF" space.

This is your best friend, her husband, and your husband? If this all goes wahoonie, who would you turn to for help and support in a crisis? Do you have others in your support network besides these people?

Think with your head more. And align your behaviors to your current goal -- friendship only with this guy.

That would be my suggestion for solving your inner conflict.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Do you mean that you and your husband have sex on one side of the bed, while the other couple has sex on the same bed, at the same time? Why do you do that? If your husband doesn't want you to have sex with the other guy, why is it somehow OK to see him naked, rutting away on his wife?

Doesn't anyone ever brush up against the forbidden partner now and then? Does your h enjoy watching the other couple have sex? Does he like seeing the other woman naked and fucking?

It's a lot of questions, but I'm wondering why there is this arbitrary-seeming boundary here.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Wanderlust11,

I take it that the wife of the other couple -- your best friend -- has told you that she would consent to you having sex with her husband ... and that your husband has told you that he would *not* consent to that. Am I reading that correctly?

If so, then my next question is, how do you feel about that? How important is it to you to be free to have sex with your best friend's husband? Is that something you really want or need, or could you be reasonably satisfied continuing the arrangement exactly as it is, indefinitely?

If you strongly want sex with the husband of that other couple, then you need to sit down with your husband and talk about that. You need to find out *why* he is bothered by that idea, and what it would take for him to feel better about it.

On the other hand, if you can be content with a continuation of the situation as it already is, then you don't need to do anything. It's very possible that your post here is mostly venting, like you just wanted to express your feelings somewhere and this was a good place to do it.

Post some more, and that will help us know what advice to give.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.