Need help with son hitting puberty

[nondy2]

My husband and I have been open for three years. During that time I have had two serial relationships, and he has had one.

Our son, who is 10, has a vague idea, but doesn't know anything concretely.

Here is the problem. Last night we found out that our son had been watching porn secretly online for a month. One could say I was a bad parent because I trusted him, and he knows stuff like that is off limits. It was a bad mistake on my part, and I've solved that.

What I need help with is how to healthily deal with my son's sexuality when I am so conflicted about my own. My husband feels the same way. When he was small I told him sex is for two committed people who love each other. I know I used the word married, because we are super pro-gay and know lots of committed unmarried straights. But now things are more complex. My husband and I have both done stuff that (for myself) I consider slutty (for me, not others) and have done a few things less than ethical. For example, my husband was supposed to go to a play-party last night and canceled.

We are both conflicted about what we do sexually. And I'm not sure how to deal with my son.

A second issue is that my husband's GF is very sexual. She constantly wants him to text her dirty messages, go to sex parities, and have a real kink-based relationship. I think it is getting harder for them because he is very very sexual, but has a ton of other commitments. She is single. Like last night, he told me she was disappointed that they didn't go out, and she still wanted sex, even though he had just gone through this, and wasn't remotely interested. I worry about both of them, that they are just in such different life spaces that it won't pan out.

Anyway, is anyone on here raising a teween/teen boy? He's a Scorpio, too! Blah!

 

[SchrodingersCat]

What's wrong with your son watching porn? Humans are sexual creatures. If he's watching porn, then obviously he's grown interested in sex. You've had sex, haven't you? It's fun. Can you blame him?

Your only mistake was trusting him not to be human. How silly of you.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that sex should be reserved for marriage. What a horrible way to ruin your wedding night!

Not to mention, anyone who thinks that teaching abstinence is an effective way of preventing...anything...is kidding themselves. Teach kids about condoms. Teach them what happens when you don't use condoms. Give them condoms. Give their friends and romantic partners condoms when they come to visit. Teach them about the joys of sex and encourage them to explore their bodies. Teach them the value of self-worth and that it's ok to share their bodies, but only on their own terms.

By teaching kids abstinence, you literally force them to figure that out on their own and from their often misguided friends. You teach them to hide it from you when they become sexually active, for fear of getting in trouble or disappointing you.

When she started hitting puberty, my husband sat his daughter down and told her every pickup line he'd ever used to trick a girl into having sex with him. Then he gave her a vibrator and a box of condoms. When she started experimenting with her female friends, he encouraged them to explore their bodies without guilt or fear. Later, when she started having sex with boyfriends, guess which parent she told? I'll give you a hint: it wasn't the one who tried to hide the truth about sex.

She's about to turn 20 and has managed not to become pregnant or contract any diseases. Meanwhile, many of her friends are teen parents. She lives in a repressed semi-rural town. I credit my husband 100% for his daughter's success. She has a healthy relationship with sex, she knows what she wants and what she doesn't, she respects her body. She chooses partners who respect her choices and sends them packing if they pressure her. Oh, and she talks with us (my husband and me, not her Mom) about all of this. Sex-positive parenting FTW!

Also... how do you know that your son has only a vague idea? Kids are much more clever than their parents tend to give them credit for. The only way you could "know" that he doesn't know is by asking him, which is impossible to do without spilling the beans. How can you be sure no one else knows, and that he hasn't heard it through the grapevine? Would you rather your son learn about your relationships from his parents, or from the kids at school teasing him about it?

 

[nondy2]

Thank for your reply. I think there is a lot wrong with a 10 year old watching porn! If he were 14 or 16 it would be different. He is still a child, and as a child, not ready to cope with the complexity of it all. By his own self-admission, he found himself feeling depressed.

I am much more liberal than others. I know people who have 11 year olds and have never discussed sex with them. This actually seems the norm. And much I enjoy is more liberal than others.

I think sex is for adults. I think it's complex and tied into all sorts of things, not usually just about fucking and having fun. I also think porn is complicated. I do watch and enjoy it, I but I find it extremely male-centric, anti-feminist, and I wonder often if the women are being coerced. They never seem to be enjoying themselves, but showing off for men and seeking approval. This is not all porn, but most.

Part of the pain I am having is watching a child grow up. I don't know if people without children can understand this pain.

I was also unclear, but I don't teach abstinence. I would want for my son to have sex with people he loves or cares about.

My own feelings about sex probably are conservative. I believe sex isn't just "fun." I believe, for me, it reaches deeply into who I am, my needs, and neuroses, and problems from childhood, etc.

 

[nondy2]

Also... how do you know that your son has only a vague idea? Kids are much more clever than their parents tend to give them credit for. The only way you could "know" that he doesn't know is by asking him, which is impossible to do without spilling the beans. How can you be sure no one else knows, and that he hasn't heard it through the grapevine? Would you rather your son learn about your relationships from his parents, or from the kids at school teasing him about it?

I know he doesn't know because I asked him if he thought his father kissed "X" (his father's girlfriend), and other such questions. Yes, it is possible without spilling the beans. So he either doesn't know or doesn't want to know.

How would any kids at his school know about my sex life? LOL

 

[Vixtoria]

Here's what I can tell you. I have three girls. DH is sharpening knives a lot in preparation for them dating!

Anyway, I was not comfortable hiding things, and so they have had exposure to a lot of things. Since the oldest was born, I would take my kids with me. Attachment parenting, they call it. I was probably just not willing to leave them out of my life! They have gone to role play parties with me (the D&D and vampire kind), coffee houses, seen me host role plays at the house, gone to the theater with me when I worked there. Hosted dinners for other theater friends. So from the time they were able to go outside with proper clothing, they have been around people that were of different sexualities and relationship types.

When they were between the ages of 9 -12 they went to a camp with us for the summer where it was clothing optional, among other things. There were special things in place so kids weren't exposed to the super kinky. But the weird? Oh, there was no escaping it!

I started the sex talk when the oldest was 11 and the youngest was 8. Why? Kids aren't kids. I hate it, I do, but there's little I can do about the fact that my elementary-aged kids come home talking about friends that were mad at them for talking to a boy about a movie when they were "going steady," or "dating"! Who dates at 9?!

So I suggest you start the sex talks! Keep it to what they will understand at their age. Then keep having the talks. I've had I don't know how many talks, at this point. When I found out my oldest was texting grown men on sex chats, her talks changed a bit. We still have talks. I'll go through the basics, and then let the youngest go, while I talk more mechanics with the older ones.

Nothing wrong with being curious. And as far as I know (I have girls, remember, though I've got nephews and raised my two brothers), boys can have wet dreams as young as 10. So yeah, they're going to be curious.

I personally don't think you need to get into condoms and the mechanics of sex just yet. If you can, stall the conversations about oral, anal, diseases, and what feels good versus what sounds good when you are writing horny messages to each other. It's not fun, and I've had it several times.

I doubt, at his age, you need to worry that far ahead yet. So, start with the basics. Guys, girls, different parts, what feels good, exploring your own body. He's not old enough physically for exploring with a 'girlfriend' yet and definitely not old enough in his mind, soul, or heart. That's the toughest talk, really. Trying to explain as they get older that no matter how adult they think they are, how intelligent everyone says they are, the heart and soul are just not up for all that sex entails.

Oh, and answer questions honestly. Even if the honest answer is "I don't know," or "I'm still figuring it out myself." That last one is powerful. After all, if mom and dad are still figuring stuff out, how can they be expected to know it all?

 

[Tonberry]

I don't know that 10 is that young. I certainly was a sexual being at 10. I had already read erotica, which I would say is the equivalent of your son watching porn. I can't imagine how I would have felt if my parents had told me I wasn't allowed to. I mean, I know I still would have done it behind their backs, but I think I would have felt terrible about myself, and like sex was a bad thing.

Now, if he's using your computer for it and you don't want him to, I guess that's a fair point. And teaching him about safe sex and all is definitely a good idea, if you live in a place were sex ed hasn't done that for you already (and/or never will).

I think there is nothing wrong about teaching your kids to be discriminating about their sexual partners, and not just have sex with anyone. But be careful that if you're too restrictive, the kid will just hide it better.

 

[turtleHeart]

My parents never expected me to not be a sexual being. Instead they made a point of educating me and making sure I was safe. I hit puberty early and my mom made sure I had condoms, even though I personally chose to not have vaginal intercourse until much later, because I didn't want to risk getting anyone pregnant, and even then, I knew not to trust condoms to always be effective.

In junior high and high school I came across a lot of people with bad ideas of how to be safe sexually (plenty of people in their 30s are still fairly ignorant). My being free of STDs and child free is due at least in part to my parents never shielding me from sexual awareness, even as a little kid, watching foreign films with sex and nudity practically from birth.

 

[BrigidsDaughter]

Where we live 11 is half way through middle school; they start high school at 13. The puberty video was mandatory after school last year when he was 10. We have attempted basic talks about sexuality for the last 2 years, because older girls in the neighborhood were pressuring the boys to date the younger girls (and literally pinning them to the ground trying to get them to kiss). My son's best friend's mom caught the kids playing Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare when he was 9 and his friend was 8. We had a talk then about those things not being appropriate for kids his age, and left it up to him if he wanted to explore that again when he was a teenager. He's pretty much uninterested in dating or hearing about sex, and I'm not pressuring him, but I am waiting and watching for that to change.

As for 10 being still a child, I agree, but children are sexual beings too. Toddlers masturbate because it feels good and calms them. That doesn't stop as children get older, we just correct them about when and where it is appropriate to "scratch". And if you really think that 10 is too young to be going through puberty, tell that to the 9 nine-year olds who gave birth the year my son was born, and that was in good old conservative Kansas.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi Nondy,

The following is my personal opinion only.

This is a good question and one that definitely comes up in our V as we try to raise our child together. Now, she is only four, but she has already started to discover what the idea of masturbation is about. Sure, it made us pause when we saw her playing around without a care in the world. But that's the thing about innocence and childhood. We are never more liberated than when we are children. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. There is nothing wrong with doing something that feels good, at any age, as long as it is in an appropriate setting and isn't harming anyone else.

Ten is not that young at all. It is the age that we might worry too much about preserving childhood, instead of preparing them for adolescence; even adulthood.

One thing that struck me is that you said you were worried about how to deal with this effectively, when you have conflict yourself. The answer is simple, really. Don't create that conflict in your son.

Both my sister and my ex-girlfriend's daughter lost their virginity at 13. Yes, that thought makes me very uncomfortable. But the reality is that it happens. My ex found out by reading her daughter's diary. A year had passed since she lost her virginity, around the back of a supermarket, whilst drunk, without protection. This came as a huge shock, since my ex had always been frank about safe sex and biology.

What she hadn't done is a) fostered a safe environment to talk, and b) outlined the emotion (and lack of) surrounding sex. Her daughter couldn't possibly admit that she had lost her virginity in that way. She was ashamed. If my daughter was in trouble, or upset, I wouldn't want her to feel shame. I'd want her to feel supported.

If it were me, I'd have a talk with my ten year old son about sex straight away. I'd tell him that masturbation is totally ok; both boys and girls do it. Sex between two or more people of whatever gender is ok. Sex is nothing to feel guilty about. Sex doesn't have to be with someone you are closely connected to. Then I'd talk about the consequences - law, health, safety. It could be a face to face talk, a small document that you write for him, videos from the internet, etc. whatever you feel he would learn the most from.

Is there anything that stops you from doing that?

As for your husband and his girlfriend's sexuality - why does that bother you?

 

[Blopez5293]

Know how you feel

I have a son who just turned 12. His dad and I have basically kept a open-door policy about anything and everything he needs to talk about. Because I am bi, I have always been very open with him about sex and relationships. We have had the sex talk and the puberty talk with him. He turned VERY RED but had some great questions once he realized he wouldn't be ridiculed or sent away for being curious.

With this in mind, we have sheltered him from images or material we feel is too old for him. We still screen all movies, you tube videos, or music he watches at home. We tell him that he is simply not old enough to need to be worrying about adult topics and he should enjoy just being a kid.

About 6 months ago he came to me and told me that if he isn't totally gay he is pretty sure he is at least bi. (wasn't really shocked given his personality) I am just thankful that he knew he could talk to us. I think there is a way to be open and honest while staying developmentally appropriate and I am hoping that is the line I am walking. So far it seems to be working. He is happy and aware of sex, while not feeling the need to rush things. His friends call him silly cuz he gets embarrassed so easily but I told him that he will be older soon enough and not to rush it.

For me, it was so much weirder talking to him about sex than it seemed to be for him. I think it has more to do with the fact that my family kept a major DADT policy about all things sex and intimacy until after I turned 18 and moved away that I have nothing to reference to. Now I just plan on keeping the conversation open and making a point of talking to him more as he grows into his new sexuality.

PS- He came home and informed me (in a whisper) that he has his first GF today... but can't tell anyone cuz she doesn't want them to get teased by their peers for it. Ahhhhh, Puppy love.... Those were the days.

 

[GalaGirl]

My kid gets OWL. Our Whole Lives. It can be bought at the UUA bookstore. You can catch your kid up to his age level. The sex ed done in "layers" over the years to teach the child things a bit more each time around.

UU Poly is field-testing the poly curriculum of "Love Makes a Family." I don't know when that track will be available.

If he's hitting the naturally curious age, ask him what he wants to see/read about. But tell him hitting random porn things online is not wise because some of that stuff is produced well and some of that teaches very poor values -- treating people like THINGS rather than PEOPLE. Some of those things are also scammy and could give the computer a virus or steal credit card info or personal info. Your rule is in place for much more than just sex safety. It's all kinds of safety.

Address his curiousity. Ask him questions. How would he like to treat his future partners? How would he like to be treated when he is ready for romance and a grownup sex life? Does he think fatherhood is in his future life picture? What makes a good father? If he does not want to be a father, how does he control that? What can he do? What kinds of resources does he want access to now, that you could help him to find? Does he have questions about his own development?

You don't have to answer all his questions. It may be enough to start a list with him of "Things I want to know about eventually" so you both can keep track.

You are encouraging him to talk to you, above all else.

I have a girl so "The Care and keeping of You" was good. I'm sure there are good ones out there for boys on male development. I'm just not up on the boy side myself. For both boys and girls, maybe you can snag copies of "What's The Big Secret?" or "It's so Amazing!"

Then if he wants to see nakedness, see about sourcing less offensive nudity to be looking at with you. Take him to a museum where there is some art featuring nude bodies. The human body is hardly offensive in its natural state.

There are tame comic books, like Small Favors by Collen Coover, that show some nude women, but keep it in the land of sweet, for the most part. Google that and see some of the images for preview. It doesn't address safer sex practices, but it does address a spirit of playful sex, liking each other, etc.

I showed my daughter the book Femalia as a toddler because she wanted to know about my "beard." We were in a public restroom. I had her in the stall with me while I took a pee. She was running around in the stall, and suddenly asked me why I had "a beard down there." My response: "This is not a beard. It's pubic hair, and when you are grownup lady you will have that too." I was overheard by another lady, who told me it was so cute, when we came out of the stall to wash our hands.

The Femalia book is just close-up shots of female genitalia -- all colors, ages, shapes. My kid walked away feeling fine -- like "Yep. People come in all shapes and colors. Ali right. I'll have one of those when I grow up." There. Her curiosity was satisfied. But more importantly, I wanted her to keep coming to me for honest, straight-up answers.

A few years later she wanted to look at a penis, because DH was having a vasectomy. So we told her, "Okay, give us a bit of time to find you a penis picture." DH and I had to google something age appropriate. It ended up being one of those "as you grow" things, with a baby boy, a toddler boy, a teen boy-man, and a man, and then an old man. She was satisfied.

"The Body" or "Love and Desire" by William Ewing might have photos you could consider as conversation starters with the 10 yr old.

If you want a honkin' big encyclopedia thing, Sexualia Mundi is awesome. It cannot cover everything ever, but it sure tries to give it a whirl!

If you want trivia bits to look ahead to teen years maybe "Sexy Origins of Intimate things" could the be the conversation starter.

You could have him look up the Planned Parenthood website, and read and talk about their FAQs. Then you are teaching him how to get himself health care too, not just safer sex bits.

Every 10-year old is different. Some are emotionally mature and ready to talk about it, some of them are not. Assess where your son happens to be, right now.

You could raise him to respect a good sex share. It is something to be shared, not a thing to be taken by force. If you hammer nothing else into his head, hammer in how to ask nicely for consent, and to use safer sex practices, so his mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health as an adult will be in decent shape. One can always masturbate to take the edge off. If he needs information about that, get it for him.

But start looking around now to prepare yourselves, before he gets to wherever he goes to next in his development. You may not have had this yourself from your parents, but you can be how you want to be as a parent to your own kid. Focus on what you want to achieve with him and go for it.

What your DH does about his GF is a whole other problem. I think that's better in a separate thread, maybe?

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Helo]

Here is the problem. Last night we found out that our son had been watching porn secretly online for a month. One could say I was a bad parent, because I trusted him, and he knows stuff that is off limits. It was a bad mistake on my part, and I've solved that.

Problem? As long as he isn't watching it ten hours a day or going for the real rape stuff, I'm not seeing the problem. I know it's probably a little disconcerting, but he will get access to the stuff one way or another. Better to let him access it at your house where you have a little more control over the situation, rather than a friend's house or public computer where there is far less control.

For myself personally, I started looking at porn fairly young and it actually taught me a lot about the human body in general. Up to that point, I had thought everyone was shaped like I was; flat, no lines, no shape, no color, and I hadn't really developed the eye to see around clothing. Seeing porn actually de-mystified both my own body and the female body. As far as learning how real sex works, its half-and-half for a good/crap ratio, but for actual understanding of the human body, it's good.

What I need help with is how to healthily deal with my son's sexuality when I am so conflicted about my own. My husband feels the same way. When he was small I told him sex was for two committed people who loved each other. I knew used the word married because we are super pro-gay and know lots of committed unmarried straights. But now things are more complex. My husband and I have both done stuff that (for myself) I consider slutty (for ME NOT others) and have done a few things less than ethical. For example, my husband was supposed to go to a play-party last night and canceled.

We are both conflicted about what we do sexually. And I'm not sure how to deal with my son.

Sitting him down and explaining everything is likely to go over his head. Kids are sharp, but you're throwing around concepts that people don't even get in their 30's and 40's. The best thing to do, if you really feel like something has to be explained, is to give him the bullet points, and stress that you (or anyone you trust to do so) will answer any questions he has honestly and without pulling any punches. He'll ask the questions when he's ready.

Just don't bullshit him, or give him the "I'll tell you when you're older" line.

Anyway, is anyone on here raising a tween/teen boy? He's a Scorpio too! Blah!

I was one, if that helps.

But could raise him to respect a good sex share. It is something to be shared, not a thing to be taken by force. If you hammer nothing else into his head, hammer in how to ask nicely for consent, and use safer sex practices, so his mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health as an adult are in decent shape.

I second this as hard as anything as has ever been seconded.

Make it clear that under no circumstances does someone owe him sex, and coercing or manipulating someone, as well as trying to override their comfort levels by "nicing" them into having sex with you, is just as bad, if not worse, than actively forcing yourself on someone.

 

[Enchanted]

Hi Blopez5293. I’m sorta kinda with you. I don’t like the idea that little kids are watching porn, although I did the same! But there is nothing anyone can do. I am into kink, I have some fetishes, but I don’t want little kids to be doing those. There are different types of porn out there. Some of them really can harm.

Here is an excerpt from a BBC Newsbeat article.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/20034121

In some cases, yes. Guys tend to think it's all about performance. They think they've got to be sexual athletes. For girls, it's often about doing things which perhaps they wouldn't normally be comfortable with. Those are the dilemmas people come to us with.

Here are some excerpts from another BBC News article

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20042508

A survey of 16-24-year olds by the University of Plymouth and the UK Safer Internet Centre found that one in three admitted porn had affected their relationships. ChildLine said it had seen a 34% rise in the last year in the number of calls from teenagers distressed by sexual images they had viewed online.

One 17-year-old, Rebecca, says porn changes boys' expectations of how girls should look. "Long hair, big boobs, big bum. If I had short hair, guys would be like, why short hair? You should grow it out."
Her classmate Femi says porn can worry boys too. "Maybe you're not physically living up to what porn is showing you," he says.

Karen, now 20, spoke to Radio 1's Newsbeat about the effect porn had on a relationship she had as a teenager.
"I met him first in sixth form. Porn was very much something he did with his friends, they shared websites, and talked about it often, a sort of hobby.
"When he got more comfortable with me, he liked us to watch it together. That's when I started to realise it wasn't normal stuff, it was a bit darker than that.
"Because that was the only experience that I had of it, I thought there was something wrong with me for not enjoying it.
"Very violent... sex, hitting, slapping, scratching, pulling, sort of doing what he wanted at the speed he wanted to do it, and no sort of consideration or care for how it would make me feel.
"He was a boy. He wasn't a rapist in an alley jumping out at people; he thought it was normal and that was what everyone was doing."

You can't ignore it. You can't force him to stop watching porn. If he doesn't have a smartphone chances are at least one of his friends does.

Here is my suggestion, what the article has:

Gallop thinks parents should also have more of an open dialogue with their children.
"The key is not to get embarrassed, or say something like 'Nice girls don't do that.' And it doesn't matter if a child doesn't really want to listen; the important thing is to keep the line of communication open," she says.

But again, I am not a parent. I don’t know how to raise a child. I just was one, once.

 

[Hannahfluke]

When our boys were 12 and 10, we got a call from my sister, whom we had just lived with for 8 months while we built a house, that my 12-year old nephew had crashed his computer with viruses from a porn site, and that maybe we should talk to our sons about it. We did talk to them, and told them that it's fine to be interested and want to look, but that maybe the internet isn't the best place to look, since there is some weird stuff out there. We ended up blocking the internet access on the younger one's Nintendo DS because he was using it in his bedroom to look at porn and we didn't like that we had little control over the content. We opened that access for him around when he was 14 again.

We also decided that since they were interested, that we'd buy magazines, since then at least we'd know the content that they were getting. We got Maxim because it's racy but fully clothed, which seemed to be what the older one mostly wanted. We also got Playboy because, for the most part, they present things tastefully. We have a whole collection of them on a shelf downstairs that they can take from whenever they want, and we don't keep track of anything they have.

I think it's important to emphasis that sex is something natural and something that most people are interested in. I'd try to work out what issues you have about sex, yourself, because it's possible that you'll pass those issues on to your son without meaning to.

My kids are 16 and 18 now. They seem to have a healthy understanding of sex and life, though they haven't dated yet. I'm fine with that, since they'll have plenty of time for it, eventually.

 

[Dirtclustit]

You might want be careful with terms like "slut"

You should careful using any term that has to do with sexuality and using a negative or otherwise shameful slant.

I would be concerned about my son or daughter being introduced to sexuality with porn. It's not that a good introduction can't be done with porn, or that porn is a bad thing, but it definitely can be.

Too many adults have done themselves a disservice by accepting the belief that their sexuality is something to be ashamed of, and that takes a lot of work to undo after it's been so engrained

 

[nondy2]

Thank you so much for the support! Please email more.

I think my post was unclear. My son knows everything. We told him about sex when he was five. He knows about masturbation, condoms, what it means to be gay. He has met transgender people and we have talked about them getting hormones. He knows what a postitute is, and, of course, porn. The only thing he is unclear on is abortion and kinky stuff.

I have told him that sex is natural. I told him that masturbation is okay. In fact, I offered to buy him a girlie magazine.

Here's what happened. He has his own iPad with no child lock. He's a good self-editor so I didn't think of it. He grabbed the iPad from me - was hiding. He had googled porn out of curiosity and then got "stuck." He called it "addicted." He said he felt horrible about lying. He said I had "released him from a coma."

I feel like I came off as being conservative and I'm much much liberal than I know. But I do think 10-yr olds looking at internet porn isn't ok. For me, porn is complex: very anti-feminist (very very) and violent in many ways. I see it as very different from girlie magazines or erotica.

I also do not really want him having sex until after 18 (again, my personal preference). But I plan to impart this to him through discussing, not rules or pressure.

Yes, I guess people don't agree much.

Does anyone else have conflicted feelings about porn or their own sexuality?
Did anyone else feel pain about their children not being babies anymore?

I guess I wish that I could be in a monogamous, highly-romantic relationship. I guess I want that for my son too, but feel hypocritical if I tell him that. I guess that's where my confusion is.

KNOW THAT I AM NOT JUDGING. I don't care what anyone else does! Just trying to figure out my life.

 

[nondy2]

I have to reread the posts. I missed some!

 

[SNeacail]

For me, porn is complex: very anti-feminist (very very) and violent in many ways. I see it as very different from girlie magazines or erotica.

I'm not a big fan of porn, it's just not something I seek out. But I do like erotica. Personally, I see absolutely no difference between porn and erotica. There is good and bad with either, and it's up to the viewer/reader to decide what interests them. I have noticed that women in general prefer to read the erotica, while the men prefer to watch the porn.

Did anyone else feel pain in their children not being babies anymore?

Yeah! I'm still reeling just from thinking about the fact that my oldest will be 18 this year.

 

[nondy2]

Thank you guys! This really loving and helpful, particularly the books and websites. Scary too. Raising a kid is endless work.

I am going to stop him from watching. That's just my decision, and it may come from my conflicts about porn (but I think those have a both an aesthetic and political basis and that's not way off.)

I think my major problems came from:
1. Learning that he can and will lie and hide things.
2. Coping with losing a "baby."
3. My own conflicts about being poly, and how to impart the lesson as he grows older.

If you are mono, you might teach the "grow up and get married" model. But in our case, that's not true. So what do you teach them? It would be easier for me if I had always been poly, or thought I was born poly. But honestly, I'd rather be mono. I just am unable to get enough needs met in my marriage (and my husband feels the same way). But most of us are taught you get married and live happily ever after (or divorce). What do you teach the kids when your life isn't like that? What if you are conflicted about your romantic life yourself?

I guess that's what I'm really struggling with. Do people in open relationships expect/teach their kids to have them too?

 

[Tonberry]

If you are fine with erotica, there is a website called Literotica that he could go to that has plenty to pick from. It's free. Of course there is everything there, good and bad. But there are lots of categories that could help him figure out what he likes.

There are also numerous books. When I worked in a bookstore, we had a huge section of erotica targeted at females, and another huge section of erotica targeted at males (with very little crossover as to who bought which). So I know there is plenty for him to pick from, even in specific genres or subcategories. And of course there are electronic books as well, which he could read on an iPad if he doesn't have a book reader.

Since you're not limiting his porn consumption completely, only limiting his video porn, but okay with the written form, I think he'd have less reason to go behind your back. Males tend to be more visual, but if he can also get image porn (as in, pictures in magazines) he should be fine for now, I guess.

I think often with these things it's pointless to try and ban them, but if you're merely trying to redirect it, it might be doable.