Need Help with Son hitting puberty

Tonberry

New member
If you are fine with erotica, there is a website called literotica that he could go to that has plenty to pick from and is free. Of course there is everything, good and bad, but there are lots of categories that could help him figure out what he likes.

There are also numerous books, when I worked in a bookstore we had a huge section of erotica targeted at females, and another huge section of erotica targeted at males (with very little crossover as to who bought which), so I know there is plenty for him to pick from, even in specific genres or subcategories. And of course there are electronic books as well which he could read on an iPad if he doesn't have a book reader.

Since you're not limiting his porn consumption completely, only limiting his video porn, but okay with the written form, I think he'd have less reason to go behind your back. Males tend to be more visual, but if he can also get image porn (as in, pictures) he should be fine for now I guess.
I think often with these things it's pointless to try and ban them, but if you're merely trying to redirect it, it might be doable.
 

BrigidsDaughter

New member
I've kinda gotten over the fact that my baby isn't my baby anymore. I'm sure I will get hit with it again when he starts dating. My son recently got a computer, but he's limited to 2 hrs a day and has to wait until we get home to get on it. The computer is also in the livingroom because he'd be up all night watching youtube Minecraft videos if we let him.

As for relationship styles, I guess I'm not so much of a traditionalist in my teaching. I've told him that you want to wait to start having kids until after you're done with school and have a job. He knows he was born when I was in college and Runic Wolf was in the Army and how hard it was for me to finish my degree because I couldn't go full time.

My brother never married my nephew's mother and they separated several years ago; he now cohabitates with his new girlfriend and her 3 kids and has my nephew on weekends; my nephew was born when my brother was 17. My middle brother was married and divorced before he was 21 b/c his wife cheated and got knocked up while she was waiting for her orders to be stationed in Japan with him. One of my two sisters had my niece a month after she turned 18, 2 weeks after high school graduation. The father has since decided he didn't want to be an adult after all and left her a month before their wedding day last year. My youngest sister is pregnant; her boyfriend already has a 5 year old. And my parents separated when I was 1, married other people, got back together when I was 24 and marred last summer when I was 30. So my son has been exposed to many different ways that a family comes to be. We've told him that there is no right or wrong way and that families are what you make.
 

SNeacail

New member
The computer is also in the livingroom because he'd be up all night watching youtube Minecraft videos if we let him.

I know, REALLY? These boys are Minecraft junkies. Simple graphics, no guns ... and they are completely obsessed with it. I have to confiscate the laptops and game stations at night (and all day during the school week).

Opps! Sorry, completely off topic.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Minecraft is so much fun! I was completely addicted to it over Christmas. There is "violence" in that you kill zombies and other bad guys with swords and arrows, but the graphics are so atrocious that it's really not "graphic violence" like Call of Duty. More importantly, it encourages creative thought through building and crafting. And hey, it's only like $25, one-time fee. How many video games can you think of for that price?? There are some good servers, which encourages cooperation to build really big, intricate worlds. World of Fantasia is mostly younger crowd, and it's heavily moderated. WOF requires children under 13 to have their parents sign a permission slip of sorts, which is good.

Here's what happened. He has his own iPad with no child lock. He's a good self-editor so I didn't think of it. He grabbed the iPad from me - was hiding. He had googled porn out of curiosity and then got "stuck" he called it "addicted" He said he felt horrible about lying. He said I had "released him from a coma."

I would be exploring this from the point of whether he felt worse about the lying, or whether it was the graphic porn itself that made him feel that way.

I have to admit, there are some horrible things (non-porn) on the internet that I've gotten sucked into before realizing how it was affecting me. It's an important skill to realize where that line is drawn, and it's a personal line. In some ways, it's good that he crossed it, because that gives you the opportunity to discuss it with him in a supportive, non-punitive way. Let it encourage him to realize that he doesn't have to hide things from you and that you are here to help him through those confusing things.

For me, porn is complex : very anti-feminist (very very) and violent in many ways. I see it as very different from girlie magazines or erotica.

Two comments here. First, "girlie magazines" ARE porn, assuming we're talking about the same thing (playboy?). Second, I agree that the vast majority of porn is anti-feminist and violent. There is, however, a handful of feminist porn companies. They make sex-positive, female-positive porn videos, usually geared towards couples. They remove the violence and the objectification. They replace it with love, sensuality, and self-expression through sex.

Here's a good list to get you started: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2008/07/23/feminist-porn-sex-consent-and-getting-off/
 
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Helo

New member
I remember reading an interview years ago with a woman who'd been in porn for a while. She was asked if being a porn performer was degrading or if she felt exploited at all. She replied that the job she had where she felt least valued and most exploited and degraded was a waitress.
 

Tonberry

New member
I can believe that. It's amazing how badly some people treat waitresses, or cashiers, etc. A porn actor would only be dealing in person with other actors, and with the rest of the team. Not with the people using the porn.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
That reminds me of another quip, something about the best way to see what someone is really like is to look at how they treat waitresses and other service industry people. Someone can be as sweet as charming as they want, but you start snapping your fingers at the waitress... well, I'll finish dinner first, but then I'm sticking you with the bill and ignoring your emails.
 

saintvlas22

New member
I must admit, everyone's experience here is vastly different from my own. Being sexually aware at 10 years old is baffling, as in my neck of the woods, we didn't start dating seriously until after high school. There were a few kids who had boyfriends/girlfriends during high school, but they were more buddies who kissed more than anything else. We saw that as kinda odd, really - probably because most of us weren't in the mindset of having sex and being intimate with another person.

I remember being confused at teen movies, about the stereotype of teenagers having sex on their minds 24/7. In our school, we just didn't bother with it. That's not to say it wasn't present. We had sex-ed (with the condom-banana demonstration and everything), watched the videos, studied the flash cards of STDs, and of course made the dirty jokes. We were aware of it, the ramifications, the pleasures, everything - we just didn't concern ourselves with it. We also had a version of sex-ed in the second grade, that didn't really talk about sex, but dealt with anatomy. We were taught the medical names of genitalia, and the main lesson was that if anyone tried to touch you there, you could specifically identify that this person had touched the scrotum/vulva/breasts/anus. We tittered about it as 7 year olds, but looking back, I think that was very empowering and I love that no parents had an issue with it.

That's not to say there we didn't have sexual peers. There was a boy who was having active sex at 13, which really threw us seventh graders off, and a couple high school girls that were pregnant. Also, there were girls who dated older boys and were more mature and experienced about sex.

It's interesting to see other views, but my point is that most of my peers and myself would have been grossed out about being actively encouraged about sex at 10 years old in the fourth grade. Not because of shame or conditioning, but because we personally weren't ready for it yet. We had the knowledge, and generally knew it was okay, but we didn't think about it seriously until much later. If YOUR 10 year old can handle it, and is actively curious, of course talk to them more explicitly about it. Otherwise, though, I think it can be left off for a while, with just the essentials birds and the bees.
 

Velvet

New member
......
I guess THAT's what I'm really struggling with. Do people in open relationship[s expect/teach their kids to have that too?
I'm not a parent but I wanted to comment. I think honesty really is the best policy when it comes to a parent teaching their child.

If you have some set rules that something like porn isn't allowed, then try to come up with a plan with your son on how that plan can be followed through. What happens if his friend at school brings a porno out? I just think if he is part of the planning process in how to meet expectations that are set for him you can empower him to be self responsible for his own actions. Don't focus on that he lied to you or has hidden things from you. Figure out with him how that not happen in the future. And what he needs from you to make that happen.

Your own relationship(s) and actions are a model for your son, even if you try to keep some things private how you act is always an example for him. You can be honest that the type of relationship you were taught growing up isn't how your life turned out...or even how you think you wanted to turn out. Instead of trying to tell him which path to take, help him be able to educate himself and empower himself when he encounters all the possiblities of any kind of mature topic. Relationship-Share someone said (I'm on a mobile device or I'd go back and quote them, sorry). Because there is your own experience of your body and sexuality and then there is sharing that with someone else. You had to experience that yourself choosing a Poly lifestyle to meet your needs, which means you had to teach yourself along the way, just as your son will have to teach himself.

Most of my experience mentoring youth come from people 13-18 at a local youth center. Usually I get to see the end product of a teenager who had no support from their parents, or were afraid/uncomfortable talking with their parents.
 

opalescent

Active member
Porn wish list

I understand your desire not to have your young son consume porn. And it is a great sign that he can talk to you about seeing porn. I never had that comfortable a relationship about sex with my parents. That is awesome.

However, as I'm sure you know, if your son has alone time and an internet connection, it is going to be near impossible to prevent him from watching porn. You can limit or control what he buys but there is so much free porn out there that is accessible just by lying about age. Paying for porn is a bit outdated actually. I'm not saying your son will lie - just that it is super easy to access for anyone with internet.

So, given how accessible porn is, this is what I personally wish parents would do. Give your son the tools to understand what he is seeing. Mainstream porn is wildly unrealistic. (By mainstream, I mean heterosexual, conventionally gendered, conventional, if athletic, sex acts.) The vast majority of men do not have 9 to 12 inch dicks. Porn is changing how men and boys understand size - average which is around 5 to 6 inches is perceived by many as small and 8 inch cocks and above are seen as normal when they are actually uncommon. It is important for your son to know that he is likely normal and that porn emphasizes the outliers in penis size.

Most women do not have at least double D size breasts that never sag. Most women have breasts that move with us, not stay perfectly upright and nipply. Mainstream porn still has too many men who are super buff. The women in porn with some exceptions do not look like most women. They emphasize huge breasts, tiny waist, big butt, long legs, slim, blonde.

For you, porn is anti-feminist. Don't just tell that to your son, tell him exactly why. The unrealistic body images in porn for women especially but men too is just one reason.

For me, the thing I hate the most about porn is that so much of it is joyless. The performers do not look like they are enjoying themselves, they are obviously faking it, and it all seems routine and mechanical. Talk to your son about how people express pleasure differently. When he has his first sexual experience, his partner (assuming a girl or woman) is unlikely to express her pleasure in the ways a porn star would. It's a performance which emphasizes what can be seen and heard - and that does not always match up to how people feel or express sexual release, joy, arousal. For example, one popular sex position that gets filmed a lot is the woman being penetrated sitting on her partner, with her back to him, her legs splayed, and her front, and cunt, facing the camera. This position is popular because it is made for tv, so to speak. One can see everything, the guy is obscured by the woman's body - which many consumers of porn like as they can then slot themselves into the fantasy easier. It's not a position that many women would get much pleasure out of as the clit is not engaged at all, unless she does so.

Tell your son that many women do not orgasm from penis penetration alone. The stats I've heard for this are about 70% of women need something besides or in addition to PIV to come. If your son knows this one fact - and understands how important explicit consent is - he will be so much better prepared for adult sexuality.

I admire your willingness to confront your discomfort about your personal choices - poly to meet needs but not your ideal - and around porn. Your son is lucky (and once he is older than 30, he will realize that. :)
 

Tonberry

New member
I must admit, everyone's experience here is vastly different from my own. Being sexually aware at 10 years old is baffling, as in my neck of the woods, we didn't start dating seriously until after high school.

I'm not sure how the two things are related. I didn't date until I was in university, but I still masturbated and consumed porn from the time I was 10. Didn't have any interest in dating, but that doesn't mean I had no interest in sexual pleasure.
 

saintvlas22

New member
I guess my wording is off, but yes, the 2 aren't necessarily related - sorry about the confusion.

However, as I said, being sexually aware at that age was too early for me and my peers. We would have been in the fourth grade, and masturbation certainly wasn't on our brains whatsoever. I remember being given sex-ed pamphlets at the time that DID discuss masturbation, but our response was to titter and giggle about it, as we couldn't imagine doing anything like that.

Obviously, you can be start being sexually aware at whatever age - I am just saying, for me and friends and classmates, we were a couple years down the road from where you started. Again, not because we were ashamed or whatever, but because that's just how we turned out. Nothin' wrong with that, or your way, or whatever.
 

nondy2

New member
It's complicated. I think my son isn't that sexual yet (everyone is different). I think it was largely curiosity. I think that is great advice about talking about porn versus real life! I sort of mentioned that to him.

For me part of the issue is modernity. I think the graphicness is something startling for me -- that upsets me. Someone mentioned that "girlie" magazines ARE porn, and I know this...but these, to me, are just nudity. I have even taught my son that there is something different between nudity and sex. I don't have much of a problem with him seeing nudity. It's the graphic nature of the videos that bother me.

I agree that a porn star is probably treated better than a waitress. What I was think of is how the actual thing is filmed, very anonymous in a way and geared toward men. I looked at the femist blog tho and didn't like that either. I didn't find women masturbating on their periods sexy and even the feminist stuff seemed largely for queer people or men. hmmmm
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
I must admit, everyone's experience here is vastly different from my own. Being sexually aware at 10 years old is baffling, as in my neck of the woods, we didn't start dating seriously until after high school. There were a few kids who had boyfriends/girlfriends during high school, but they were more buddies who kissed more than anything else. We saw that as kinda odd, really - probably because most of us weren't in the mindset of having sex and being intimate with another person.

How are you so sure you speak for your entire peer group? I was in the nerd crowd and sex wasn't he focus of our conversations either, but we were doing it. But it wasn't talked about as much as it is now. Even in the last 10 years, the internet has really opened the discussion between young people.

In the 1950s, the official story was that everyone was waiting for marriage, and would only kiss if they were going steady. But all these girls would get mysteriously sent away for 9 months. Obviously, pre-marital sex was being had.

Certainly in my high school, which was by and large pretty geeky, people were definitely having sex, but it wasn't talked about that much. I think that's changing now, it's not as taboo as it once was and kids are talking about it more.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
Obviously, you can be start being sexually aware at whatever age - I am just saying, for me and friends and classmates, we were a couple years down the road from where you started. Again, not because we were ashamed or whatever, but because that's just how we turned out. Nothin' wrong with that, or your way, or whatever.



How can you be certain that it wasn't just a case of everyone getting laid except you?
 

saintvlas22

New member
How are you so sure you speak for your entire peer group? I was in the nerd crowd and sex wasn't he focus of our conversations either, but we were doing it. But it wasn't talked about as much as it is now.

I can hold you to the same standard - how do you know that everyone was having sex in your group? Like you, I know my friends, and my peers. Sex was not on our minds. Masturbation, sure, but physical intimacy with another was just not something we were ready for.

I don't understand why that's so hard for you to understand. Maybe the kids in my area were all late bloomers, or you guys peaked early, or we just are immature and you guys weren't. The point is, either way, it'd be fine. There is no conspiracy to hide or denounce sex. We just weren't having it because, at that time, it wasn't of interest to us.

Believe it or not, that's what my childhood was like. I had a different experience than you - so what. The world continues to turn.
 

saintvlas22

New member
It wasn't, if you bothered to read anything I wrote. But if it WAS the case - so what? It's not like that'd be a bad thing. In fact, I was such a physical and mental late bloomer, that I am pretty sure I was the last one in my group of friends to have sex. Nothing wrong with that. I can't think of having sex before I was ready - that'd be terrible. We all go at our own pace, and that's what is important.
 

nondy2

New member
Saint,

I can relate to you. I didn't kiss a boy until I was 16, had sex at 18.

As open about sex as I am (taught son about it at 4/ he was 5 yr old gay marriage activist!) I strongly believe sex is for adults. (this is just my opinion). I think there is so much sexualization of children and so much abuse of children. I believe kids should have a childhood and I wouldn't want/encourage my son to have sex before age 18. For me, even that is too young. Buddha called sexual attachment the most difficult attachment and I just don't think teenagers have the mental resources to deal with it, let alone pregnancy bla bla bla. This is very very different from masturbating - three year older play with themselves! And very different from porn/fantasy bla bla bla. Again, my kid knows what a condom is and all that, if it happens it happens, but I would discourage it.
 

nondy2

New member
Since people have written about have sex early - would some of you share your first experiences? In retrospect, did you handle the relationships well? Did you have any problems socially, being critized by others? Did you have any trouble with STDS or pregnancy? Did you tell your parents? Where they healthy relationships? It would be great to have insight. I didn't have sex until 1st or second year in college. I wouldn't say I had my first "successful" sexual relationship until 24, and even that wasn't so great!
 
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