New, and already got challenges (but I KNOW I can solve!)

jryyc1

New member
Hi Poly's,

The Nutshell:
  • gay
  • have husband (together nearly 10 years, sexually open 5+ years),
  • discovered "Ethical Slut" a few months back via a fuck buddy; thought it would simply help me be a better fuck buddy...had NO CLUE why they kept talking about LOVE
  • Last 3 months...falling head over heels with a beautiful man, now my boyfriend or secondary, who also has a husband.. Met online for a quick fuck, ended up going "wow, I want you in my life"
  • MY husband is now "in" on this reality, and neither happy nor comfortable with it.
  • My husband is putting up a zillion "walls," making lots of rules, and issuing threats and ultimatums.
  • I'm still crazy about my husband, and don't want to lose him.
  • I also don't want to lose the amazing boyfriend I've found.
  • I KNOW there is NO putting the poly Genie back in his bottle.
  • WHAT TO DO?

More detail: This is my first post. I'm surprised to be here. The word "polyamorous" only came into my life a few months ago; suddenly, it's wildly important. Thanks in advance for any guidance you can give.

I'm a gay man with an amazing husband (we'll call him that, even though we're not legally married...despite living in Canada).

Husband and I have basically a zero sex life together since about six months into our relationship; dramatically different interests and appetites for sex. But everything else about the relationship has worked well.

5 years ago we opened things sexually (very common in the gay world), and have both been quite free to play as we please...although really I'm the only one who plays much. Husband just doesn't have much sex drive.

I travel a LOT, so it's very easy for me to get laid on the road. Additionally, I'm allowed to "play" in our hometown, so have had plenty of sex locally, and made a few "fuck buddies."

I always believed I was keeping "feelings" out of the sex; despite having some really fun and interesting conversations with fuck buds. One of them recommended the book "The Ethical Slut," (which, you'll be gleeful to know, is the current #1 best seller at our local gay bookstore.

I read it with abandon, initially hiding the cover from my husband, and then realizing that was idiotic. He seemed ok with me reading it. I also found myself recommending it to a handful of my fuck buddies.

Last June, my husband was away one morning, and I had sex with a guy I met online. From the moment I met him (we'll now call him "boyfriend," he was special and different, not to mention gorgeous (BTW, my husband is among the planet's truly handsome men).

We both made it clear that our time together was 100% no-strings, but during & after an amazing fuck realized we needed to see each other again. A few weeks passed, due to scheduling, and the next time we saw each other it was like 4th of July fireworks combined with all the emotional connection of a Rock Hudson+Doris Day movie.

We continued to see each other; eventually my husband met my boyfriend (long story).

I later explained to my husband that my boyfriend is, indeed, my boyfriend...and very, very special. Meanwhile, boyfriend and HIS husband were inviting us for to get together so we'd all know who's who. We've all-4 been together a couple of times now (purely socially).

So, this has all gone quite nicely...except MY husband has now realizes that my boyfriend is, well, my boyfriend.

All hell has broken loose as husband is feeling sooooo insecure; threatening divorce (or saying, "gee, maybe our relationship has run its course").

I find my husband believes couples are meant to be of the "white picket fence" variety (although, it seems ok to have sex with other people...just don't let anyone know).

He's feeling angry, threatened, confused, and NOT happy about the idea that he may need to allow me to share the endless love I believe I can give.

I wish I knew a couple who could walk us through this. I don't want to lose my beautiful husband. But I know the genie cannot be put back in the bottle. Meanwhile, my beautiful boyfriend is getting batted around by everything, and feeling like he's in the middle of an experiment.

Ugh. Who's got advice?
 
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Quath

New member
My wife has a hard time with it. She would rather I was into swinging than into polyamory. Your husband may fear he will lose you so he is protecting himself by trying to end it early. If you can help him realize how much he means to you, then maybe his insecurities will go down some. Let him know that he is not being replaced by your boyfriend. Your love for your husband is independent of the love you feel for another.

Maybe you can direct your boyfriend to some polyamory resources to help him understand what you are feeling better. Bringing up polyamory tends to be a very emotional issue in an established relationship. Hopefully, it will work out for you.

Best of luck.
 

jryyc1

New member
Sorry YGirl...I thought when you typed "this" you were intending to link me to thoughts from JRM, as mentioned by Mono. Just a bit confused.

Doesn't help to have been left alone in bed last night and spent half the night sobbing into my pillow...first time I've cried in years. Ouch.
 

River

Active member
I used my full name earlier in the forum, the initials of which are JRM. Now I'm going by River. Just River.

Apparently, some of the forum participants think I'm the guy to speak on this one, since I'm also basically a gay, married guy. And I'm (we're) poly.

More in a bit.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Apparently, some of the forum participants think I'm the guy to speak on this one, since I'm also basically a gay, married guy. And I'm (we're) poly.

More in a bit.

The cavalry has arrived!

Glad to see you on this one River.

Take care
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
Apparently, some of the forum participants think I'm the guy to speak on this one, since I'm also basically a gay, married guy. And I'm (we're) poly.

We had a telepathic vote and elected you the expert on gay-married-poly relationships.
 

River

Active member
He's feeling angry, threatened, confused, and NOT happy about the idea that he may need to allow me to share the endless love I believe I can give.

You've raised a bunch of issues and matters, Jryyc, to which I'd like, eventually, to respond, but let's start out with the above quote ... and take it from there.

I can fully empathize with both your experience and perspective and his. I don't see either of you as being more at fault than the other--, or even at fault at all.

Many or most people have been steeped in the notion that True Love, full love, real love... is and must be that which happens within a closed, or exclusive, dyad. Usually, the dyad in True Love is supposed to be both sexually and emotionally exclusive. So your husband isn't really at fault if he has the feeling-thought that takes up this sort of shape. He can be forgiven for it. You can be forgiven if you think-feel differently. He has every right to feel threatened, abandoned, hurt, or whatever. You have every right to believe it isn't necessary for him to feel threatened, abandoned or hurt.

There are opinions and there are facts. It is a fact that at least some people can love more than one person in a "romantic," loverly way, and do so fully with regard to each--with no lessening of the love in the original partnership. It is also a fact that, very often, the love--and the erotic bliss-- in the original coupling sometimes grows and expands when the couple opens up to include another in a "triad" or a "V". (Just ask if you're uncertain about these terms.) What this means is that it isn't on the basis of general fact that your husband should feel threatened by your loving another. It may be a fact that he feels threatened, but he may not understand all of the relevant facts. He may not understand that it is possible to be loved as fully, or even more fully, while you are also loving another. And this isn't primarily an intellectual comprehension, it's an emotional discovery. If you deeply love your husband, he'll be needing your help in making this inner movemement of discovery. That is, if you want to hold it together with him. It could break apart, but I don't think you or he wants that.

The only other available option, it seems to me, is for you to quit it with your new boyfriend and remain monogamous (emotionally -- since you are already sexually non-exclusive by agreement).

If you really, really want to hold it together with your husband, Jryyc, ...
--Well, if I were in your shoes, I'd have to take it upon myself to be strong support and guidance to my husband in swimming the lake he's crossing, if he so chooses to swim it. So how can you do that? How can you be strong support for and with him as he dives into himself in search of wisdom which might make this all work out better for each of you? If you wish to keep your boyfriend AND your husband, you must deeply realize that, indeed, your boyfriend--and the fact that you have a boyfriend--is no threat to your husband. What is more, you must deeply realize that the fact that you HAVE a boyfriend is no threat or harm -- or diminishment -- of your relationship with your husband -- or needn't be. If you stoke up your lovelight so bright and strong that it can dissolve all fears -- at least your own -- maybe it can bring warmth and illumination as your husband contemplates or makes the crossing he must make if you are to remain together and happy.
 

River

Active member
jryyc1,

If at any point along the way you think he'd be ready or willing to do so, ask your husband to join in this forum discussion. Plenty of folks here can sympathize and empathize with both of you in this challenge. We could probably offer both support and guidance.
 

jryyc1

New member
River: Astonishingly helpful already.

I get the "V" concept.

I do find myself very much loving two men, and understand that my feelings for one really have nothing to do with my feelings for the other, nor do they dimish in either case. My husband, on the other hand, feels like if I'm giving love/energy/time to my boyfriend, he (husband) is being shorted. Ugh.

The arguments of "we all have friends we invest with," "we give love and spend time with family/friends that take time away from our partnership" etc. don't seem to resonate for Husband. One of his HUGE things is the idea that Boyfriend and I may want to travel together (we do, in fact...I travel all the time, usually alone as Husband's career/schedule don't allow him to go often). Occasionally I've travelled with friends...and husband says "but that's different." Ugh ugh ugh. Sorry...I may be opening even more strings of thought. I'm generally REALLY patient, but feeling intense pressure (self-inflicted) to try and stabilize all parts of the ship in this storm.

What I don't know how to do is nudge/convince my husband to really open his mind and try to believe this is all possible. He's very, very strong in his beliefs about tradition.

He's said that in some ways he wishes I'd just gone off and had an affair, lasting or not, that he didn't know about. That damn word "ethical" is just too important to me.
 

River

Active member
jryyc1,

Does your husband know that you love him complely?

(I'm presuming that you in fact DO love him completely.)
 

jryyc1

New member
If he doesn't know, I don't know how to tell him anymore than I already do. A day doesn't go by that I don't tell him verbally, and try to express it in the way I interact. I have always been very affectionate with him. We've slept literally wrapped around each other since the first night in bed together.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
jryyc1, Husband should seriously consider joining or at least reading this forum. It would be helpful to your relationship together whether you end up deciding that poly is the thing for you or not.
 

River

Active member
If he doesn't know, I don't know how to tell him any more than I already do.

I asked this question ("Does he KNOW that you love him?") because I'm aware of how much the mutual knowledge that each of us loves one another affects the relationship I share with my partner, Kevin. I KNOW that he loves me; He KNOWS that I love him -- and that's a greater achievement than it would seem, because ... well, we therefore know that neither of us will abandon the other. (Who doesn't fear being abandoned? Surely most all of us have some such fear in our psyches, somewhere.)

One can know that one is loved and yet not KNOW it. All of these knowings come in degrees. Most of us are, if we're lucky, healing from past scars. Most, or many, of us have abandonment "issues" -- scars to the soul or psyche.... It's hard to KNOW, sometimes, even when we know. Knowledge comes in kinds and degrees. Hearts often come wrapped in ancient bandaging, meant to protect from further hurt. The heart drinks deeply in KNOWING; past hurts heal in KNOWING.

Kevin & I can risk opening up in polyamory because we have that KNOWING, even though we both still have further healing and discovering and growing to do around these delicate issues. We have risked it -- though neither of us has had a lasting "other". It brought us closer to open in this way. It healed, and deepened the KNOWING. We are not ENTIRELY free of the fear of abandonment, but it is a small thing now, very small, and healing in the warmth and joy of our KNOWING.

===

This is going to be difficult for both of you, I'm afraid. But meeting the challenge of your situation can bring amazing growth, love and emotional/spiritual healing.

No rocks can be left unturned on the road you're entering. Nothing can be taken for granted. You must both look carefully and deeply at anything either of you are avoiding, hiding from, in your hearts. Nothing can be left unexposed to the light of love. Everything wants, in all of you, to meet the light of awareness-love.

Intuitively, I have a hunch that your husband may have a wound to his sexuality, perhaps. A wound which he doesn't yet know or understand. Only the two of you can explore this possible truth. But the two of you are apparently very close and yet distant. Some connection isn't happening between you, and there is the need of courage and love in shining, gently, a flashlight in that darkness -- a meeting of a fear that has, thus far, stymied the unfloldment and deepening of your connection and bond.

Just a hunch.
 
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JonnyAce

New member
Ok, i know i'm new here, but isn't anyone else having an issue with jryyc1 having a boyfriend before discussing this with his husband?

i'm not trying to be mean jryy, i was just under the impression that polyamory involved honesty and communication. To my understanding if someone wishes to open their relationship up to polyamory it's imperative to discuss it with your partner before pursuing any "others"

i could certainly be wrong about this, as while i have knowledge about polyamory it's still something new in my own relationship.

J
 

redpepper

New member
Jonnyace i'm struggling with the whole boyfriend thing too. But also that your husband, jryyc1, would think an affair would be better. You talked bout having fuck buddies in your original post. What is the difference between all of these "open" ways of living for you? Would you consider yourself a swinger before this? That was okay with your husband? I'm a little confused as to what his issues are if you were already having sex with plenty of other men without his knowledge and now he says he wishes it were an affair.... weren't those all affairs?
 
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