new and scared 40+ what the heck am I doing???

M

Moonglow

New member
We are very new to this... still trying to figure it out. In a primary marriage with DH for 9 + years... (we are in our 40's) hit a jag, and i ended up outside marriage. Was missing emotional connection/intimacy due to complacency. Couldn't live with it and fessed up. DH afraid of losing me which was not really an option, just he realized that this was love and not a casual thing... so he said let's not be rash and how could this work?? BF is 60+ (we have known each other for 5 months)

We are in our very early stages right now. Have all been doing things together on the weekends all seems ok in fact better than that. Been learning stuff and getting things done around the house, sometimes just the two of them. I keep wondering if it really is ok. I never know how to tell except believing the words that are said to me. DH & I a reconnecting slowly, emotionally and physically. BF and I are very connected, in ways I just never could imagine.

I keep wondering if I am just asking way too much but I am truly grateful for such wonderful loving men in my life.

I want this to work, and I wondered if there's anyone that can offer anything other than just keep trying to talk. I don't want to ask too many stupid questions and I don't want to scare my men and I read through much of this and of course realize everyone's situation is different, (ok breath here) thanks for reading this far...
 
Change is always scary, especially if it's not something that you are used to in life.

Talking combined with open and honest communication is the best. Self-awareness is powerful - how can you tell you partners what you want if you don't know yourself?

Be open to things not going precisely as you imagine - understand which elements of your ideals are important and which aren't so much. There are various tools available that can help you do this.

And your (or anyone's) age makes not one BIT of difference!

Oh, and welcome to the forum!
 
Hi MoonGlow - and welcome and thanks for sharing.

My thoughts.....just let it "grow". Don't over analyze it, don't label it, just live it.
It sounds like your two guys are getting along fine and they are definately old enough and mature enough to see what's developing. And apparently it's quite comfortable for them.
Be open to questions as they come but I wouldn't "force" big philosophical conversations (your fear of scaring your men etc). Just let it flow and develop and try to educate yourself on some of interesting twists that may arise. Because I'm sure they will and as you can read here and other places, the turns can be navigated successfully. The better prepared you are the easier they are to navigate.

Good luck and above all - ENJOY !

GS
 
1st and foremost-enjoy each day.

After you have that down, remember to take time to look into yourself and ensure you are being real and true to your NEEDS and goals.

After that work on SHARING your appreciation to THEM-both of them individually and together when applicable for the effort THEY make to help you in meeting your needs/desires etc.

After that look to see what each of their needs are and how you can help with those without failing to meet your own.

Overall-be happy!

Maca (my husband of 11 years) had a big issue with looking for where the problems would arise-makes everyone miserable.

When he started focusing on being happy-he found that we have a KICKASS life and he likes it, for real. Then he started noticing all of the little things he likes and that started making all of us like being around him more, which in turn made for MORE fun and enjoyable times for him (and us)-so be happy!!
 
I've had the same feelings and was in that exact situation. I've questioned my age (25). Am I emotionally mature enough to handle the work that will come from my heart's desires. Is this really okay. Am I trying to fill a void from a relationship that is lacking. Is this fair to them. Ect ect ect. The fact is I genuinely love my boyfriend. And I've learned that age has nothing to do with my ability to make this work. I want them both for the rest of my life as do they so I work for what I want and that's all there is to it. I still feel like I'm just greedy sometimes, but I work on it when that thought comes up. I find my affirmation that this is in fact okay when we all are together (boyfriend is long distance so it's a rare thing at the moment) and the house is warm and we all are oozing a peaceful happiness. It fits us. It's right for us. US. Not just me. I still have to confirm this from time to time because this is a happiness I have never known and I want to always make sure that I'm not blinded to their feelings of our poly relationship by that happiness.
 
Thank you so much. I appreciate your responses. I do kind of live day to day thinking about things and just wondering where it will lead. I do know it is going out of that NRE phase and into a more settled feeling... with BF as we sort of don't write as many emails and don't see each other every day, etc. We will see each other soon alot because we are working on a community project together and will be getting ready for the presentation soon and so there;s lots of work to do. DH is not involved in this project, (yet) so I'll have to make sure that everybody gets what they need.

My needs are more than being met. I wanted a connection with someone, that I felt was missing, not only did I find one but I rekindled one I didn't think could be repaired. :) Hope the wave keeps cresting along...

Thanks for your kind comments. I am glad to know we are not out there alone.
 
A local music artist Vicki Martinez has a song with a line I love....

Let go of yourself. We spend too much time trying...

When everything already is....

No advice, but wanted to share that with you.
 
Moonglow said:
Thank you so much. I appreciate your responses. I do kind of live day to day thinking about things and just wondering where it will lead. I do know it is going out of that NRE phase and into a more settled feeling... with BF as we sort of don't write as many emails and don't see each other every day, etc. We will see each other soon alot because we are working on a community project together and will be getting ready for the presentation soon and so there;s lots of work to do. DH is not involved in this project, (yet) so I'll have to make sure that everybody gets what they need.

My needs are more than being met. I wanted a connection with someone, that I felt was missing, not only did I find one but I rekindled one I didn't think could be repaired. :) Hope the wave keeps cresting along...

Thanks for your kind comments. I am glad to know we are not out there alone.
Click to expand...

Poly is a strange and wonderful thing in this way isn't it? Who would think that having more than one love in ones life would heal and create even more love and bonding with those already in it? It really continues to baffle me that this is so, yet I live it every day.

Our needs become more met and that creates more willingness to make sure others needs are met, which creates more love and more happiness and more security and more joy and better quality of life and sustains me and those in my life.

I have become more beautiful both in and out.... just today I met a woman that I used to work with and she commented to me that I was looking fantastic and more beautiful than ever even though I am older. I look and feel better because I am so fortunate to of figured out that the more I ask for what I need (keeping others in mind as much as myself) the more I receive and the more I can give.

I agree entirely that it is important to take one day at a time and keep a check on your emotions. A positive outlook to success is also helpful I find and a real commitment to finding a way to make it work.

There have been times when my anxiety has hit the roof and my emotions have gone wild, but I have breathed through it and searched my mind and heart for the answers to the problems that arise. Sometimes those issues and problems don't come from where you think they will and it is important to be ready for anything.

With time there is a steady leveling off and some ease of existence that is comfortable.... this was my goal, and was achievable when I let it all come to me, without forcing anything... time and patience, talking, being aware of myself and asking questions about how the others were doing... then empathizing and giving as much as I can... in order to receive.

I was very patient with Mono and still am. More, perhaps, than with a poly lover because he is monogamous. He doesn't understand how I think and I don't think ever will. It is probably not possible. I have come to terms with our differences and love them for what they are. This acceptance has set both of us free... or at least is well on it's way to doing so.
 
Moonglow....good for you....just enjoy it !!!
I spent Friday night with Charles.....we have only known each other for 8 months, but I loved him right away!! He has another lover and she and I are friends. He was so precious Friday night, in just wanting to be loved and the simplest displays of affection seemed to thrill him so much !!
Then, Saturday and Saturday evening, I spent with Richard. Also- we so enjoyed our time together.
Charles and Richard also liked each other immediately when they met.
It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but the ability to love seems to multiply on it's own as these bonds are formed!!!
Believe it....it's real !!!!
 
redpepper said:
Poly is a strange and wonderful thing in this way isn't it? Who would think that having more than one love in ones life would heal and create even more love and bonding with those already in it? It really continues to baffle me that this is so, yet I live it every day.

Our needs become more met and that creates more willingness to make sure others needs are met, which creates more love and more happiness and more security and more joy and better quality of life and sustains me and those in my life.

He doesn't understand how I think and I don't think ever will. It is probably not possible.
Click to expand...

:eek: Yeah....I don't get it :rolleyes:
 
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