New Babies

PolyPA

New member
I am the new parent of twins with my partner of 5+ years and I have a gf of 11 months.
I am struggling with time management right now. Because of the twins my partner and I are feeding every 3-4 hours and each feeding takes about 1 hour.
I want to be there for the twins and my partner but I also want to be there for my gf. My gf is quite young and I feel she just doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand what I'm going through.

During the pregnancy my partner was admitted to the hospital for almost 3 months and during that time I would visit the hospital and actually stay with my gf. Usually I would see my gf 2 -3 times a week.

I really do want to see my gf. I crave the closeness we have and I am in love with her and her me.
My gf gets upset that I want to help with feeding and give her less time.
What does one do??
 

BoringGuy

Banned
"One" tells Girl Friend that the twins come first, and if she can't deal with it, she is free to seek greater happiness elsewhere, and perhaps one day you two will get together again if it's what you both want.

"One" has kids now. "One's" life no longer belongs to "One's" dick.
 
Last edited:

LovingRadiance

Active member
A parents first responsibility is to the care of themself so they are healthy to their second which is their children.
Age is arbitrary. I had my first child at 16.
Your girlfriend can choose to honor your new responsibility or find someone who has no children.
I have a husband and a bf whom I love with all of my heart. 15 and 20 yrs respectively.
I also have children-and both men know the kids come first. Period. Furthermore-the kids come first for each of us. Not just one or two of us.
 

Whisper

New member
I think that your girlfriend does not understand what it means to be a parent. However I am not convinced that this is due to her age, it could be that she is merely having a difficult time adjusting...

The best thing to do would be to assure her that she is still an important part of your life, whilst also making it clear that your children come first. If she cannot cope with a relationship where the children come first then it's probably best that she moves on.


On a side-note, there's more than one way to prioritise your time between partners. My girlfriend for example spends time with her girlfriend overseas for several months at a time (it suits them both because part of their business is based overseas). The rest of the time she spends with me. I do sometimes gate-crush and wrestle them both but I always get my butt handed to me because it's 2 versus 1 :(

Would it help if you organised your time with her, so that you are spending long (but infrequent) periods together instead of brief but frequent moments? Obviously you won't be able to take long breaks until your children are of a certain age, but this could be a great long-term plan if your sweetie likes the sound of it.
 

bookbug

New member
My significant other has two children ages 11 and 13, and the children come first. ALWAYS! I support that. I love his devotion to the children, even though it makes our time together more infrequent.

Your gf is making a mistake viewing your children as rivals.

I don't know if your gf and your partner get along well enough that your gf could come see the babies? Maybe this would help. Perhaps she is feeling left out of your excitement? I am not saying this is your responsibility to fix, but if it is possible, it might be something to try.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Perhaps she is feeling left out of your excitement? I am not saying this is your responsibility to fix, but if it is possible, it might be something to try.

That's an interesting possibility. Maybe finding a way to bring her into the fold so that she feels she is a part of the experience.

Whisper said:
The best thing to do would be to assure her that she is still an important part of your life, whilst also making it clear that your children come first. If she cannot cope with a relationship where the children come first then it's probably best that she moves on.

This is true no matter how you shake it. Hopefully she just needs a bit of adjustment period to figure out what her new access to you is going to be like. If she can't figure it out then there's no other way to put it - she'll need to move on.
 

SNeacail

New member
I am the new parent of twins with my partner of 5+ years and I have a gf of 11 months.
I am struggling with time management right now. Because of the twins my partner and I are feeding every 3-4 hours and each feeding takes about 1 hour.

Parent of newborn = NO free time for nearly a year, sleep deprived adults, emotional and physical stresses that you could have never imagined before.

Parent of newborn twins = OMG, :eek: I don't even want to think about it. Take care of yourself and momma.

I only had one and he would take an hour, that you guys can do two in the same time is awesome. :D

You and your gf need to have a serious discussion about the realities and responsibilities of parenthood and especially dealing with newborns. I don't think anyone, realizes the overwhelming time demands required once the babies are born, you think you do, then they are born and reality suddenly hits. Mine are 13 & 18 and while I have more time than I used to, I still can't do all the things my single friends do. I'm lucky to have 1-2 days a week free and many times that takes special coordinating.
 

Inyourendo

New member
Helpless babies come first, If an adult woman can't handle not being the center of your universe and thinks she should come first, sounds like she's really really immature and selfish. Yeah getting less time kind of sucks but that's how it is when kids are involved.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I am the new parent of twins with my partner of 5+ years and I have a gf of 11 months.
I am struggling with time management right now. Because of the twins my partner and I are feeding every 3-4 hours and each feeding takes about 1 hour.

I want to be there for the twins and my partner but I also want to be there for my gf. My gf is quite young and I feel she just doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand what I'm going through.

During the pregnancy my partner was admitted to the hospital for almost 3 months and during that time I would visit the hospital and actually stay with my gf. Usually I would see my gf 2 -3 times a week.

I really do want to see my gf. I crave the closeness we have and I am in love with her and her me.

My gf gets upset that I want to help with feeding and give her less time.
What does one do??


Oh at first I thought you were the Mama, but maybe you're the Daddy?

It sounds like you, or your partner, are not breastfeeding? Most newborns need to breastfeed more than every 3 or 4 hours, that is why I asked.

Were your babies born early? Do they fall asleep while nursing? It's a TON of work even to get sleepy newborns to eat!

I am a lactation specialist and I have lots of experience helping moms of twins and triplets breastfeed and parent newborns, and it is incredibly overwhelming. You never sleep. You're always changing diapers and outfits. Maybe by the time they are 3 mos (adjusted age in case they were born before 40 weeks), they might both finally take naps simultaneously, if you're lucky, in swings, but if not, in arms. Any free time you do get is spent furiously cleaning, doing laundry, dishes, trying to get out to the store, eat a decent meal, or sleeping yourself.

Make your gf aware of this. She can come over, bringing you a home cooked meal, and clean and do laundry and maybe, just maybe, you and her could have 10 mins of sex, if you even have energy for it.


Are you getting any help in the community with the babies? Even a teenage girl can come over for a couple hours a couple times a week to hold a baby.

Good luck!
 

Flowerchild

New member
Children of her own?

Perhaps it might be reassuring to her to be told that you and your partner will have the same consideration for her when she has children? Whether it is with you (not sure what your plans are) or someone else?
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
Oh at first I thought you were the Mama, but maybe you're the Daddy?

Or maybe it's two women? Or two men? Maybe the babies are adopted? Who knows. I know you're trying to be helpful from your lactation specialist background, but for someone who hates assumptions that others make you sure rushed right in yourself this time.

Whether someone is breastfeeding or not, feedings are a long, tiring process. If you and your partner and your GF are okay with GF being there during this time, that could be a good time to just hang out, watch tv, whatever. You'd have some time together and GF might get a better perspective on what's going on in your life right now. Of course, if any or all of you are NOT okay with her being there during this initial time of adjustment, that's perfectly valid too. She may just have to suck it up and wait. I lost two SO's and one good friend during pregnancy/newborn months. One SO and the friend ended up coming back; the one that didn't isn't worth my time, so if she can't deal she isn't someone you want in your family's lives anyway.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Or maybe it's two women?

True.

Or two men?

Then my statement still stands.

Maybe the babies are adopted?

That is relevant how? I merely made a statement that the babies are probably not breastfeeding, or the feedings would be even more frequent, due to the digestibility of human milk.

Who knows. I know you're trying to be helpful from your lactation specialist background, but for someone who hates assumptions that others make you sure rushed right in yourself this time.

I mentioned my credentials not as a judgment to feeding method, but to give background to my information about time management with multiples in general.
 

Ambyer

New member
According to the profile of the OP
"43 yr old male living with partner for almost 6 years. I have a second partner of almost 1 year"
But really that's not all that relevant. The OP has twin infants now, and it could have just as easily been the Mother of the infants as the Father. Either way children take a LOT of energy.
The husband and I have two children, same age. One was mine, one was his, and we got together when they were still small (11 months old). Even by that time they still required a LOT of energy. As toddlers it doesn't get much better either when there is two of them. What one doesn't get into the other will and drag the first along with him.
All relationships, be it mono, poly, or whatever, have to realize kids come first. PERIOD. You accept that responsibility when you become a parent.
The only thing I can see that the OP might want to try is to invite the gf in to help with the children at times. She might be feeling left out of the picture. If she is not interested in doing this, then she will just have to understand that the OP time is no longer his own. It now belongs to his children first and foremost.
 
Top