New & Confused (Introduction)

[RollTide]

Hello Ya'll!

I am new to the site & so happy to find a forum that I can get advice about my current situation.

I'm a 47-year old female that has two children, but never been married. I have been engaged to some really great men, 3 times, but I never could go thru with it. At this point in my life I'm trying to figure out-- why??

I'm trying to work thru my feelings because I was introduced to this man by a family member, and I just couldn't resist my sexual desire to jump into bed with him the first time we met, which is something very out of character for me. It was absolutely amazing, & we connected with an intensity that I haven't experienced since I was like a teenager.

And... my passion, intensity & stamina have never been met like this before in a sexual partner. The chemistry is off the charts & he's very verbal when we are entwined, but not about the sex itself, about us & how he feels about me. For the first time in my life, I could see myself, and want to, possibly spend the rest of my life with this man. Note I am extremely uncomfy being vulnerable because of my own issues, and I'm wondering if this is what a relationship is supposed to be like, since my past relationships were filled with drama, negativity & power struggles because I have always been a strong, independent woman who cannot be tamed.

But this man...OMG. Not only is the sex incredible, but it's intimate, & his focus is on making sure he pleases me as much as I please him. And it's even more than that, which I can't explain in words, because I've never really experienced this type of bond. Which leads me to why I am here.

Note that it is still early in our relationship & he has gone behind just bringing up a threesome with another woman. At first I was against it, for reasons relating to trying to have a threesome with my ex, which never happened, but strained a friendship with the woman & my relationship with my ex who ended up fathering my youngest child. But in all honesty, I have always wanted to have a threesome with my partner & another woman.

However, once I agreed, he has been all about the threesome. He lives about an hour away from me & now literally said he'd rather stay at home alone if there is not another woman with me when he comes over! To clarify, while I will not allow myself to be insubordinated by anyone in the day-to-day, and I am submissive in bed & never say no to sex with my partner, no matter what, because, well, I love sex with that person & am not one to have multiple partners or sleep around. Not that I haven't in the past, in certain relationships where I wasn't getting what I needed sexually - but when a man is able to satisfy my emotional & sexual desires, there is no need.

He doesn't want any rules, just be in the moment. Um. He's said that it's for pure pleasure, & that excites me, because when he initially brought it up, I asked if he was talking about polyamourosity & he said yes. I honestly am not sure what this means. And I'm sure that once we do have a threesome, we probably will want to continue having them.

The problem is, I'm more comfy finding a stranger, & he wants it to be someone that I am comfy with doing this, suggesting I find one of my girlfriends to join us, which has turned out to be frustrating for him, because he's all excited & wants to have a threesome as soon as possible, but none of the friends I've asked are interested, or they have recently experienced events in their lives in which it was inappropriate to even ask them. Him withholding from me until he gets what he wants isn't really that big of a deal to me, because I chalk it up to him wanting to exert his dominance over me & be the alpha, and I play along for his sake.

Anyway... that's where I'm at & that's why I'm here. I am new to this & have a lot to learn, plus a lot of questions!

Thanks for taking the time to get to know me a lil bit.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings RollTide,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have come across a really positive relationship; of course things are new right now and you have NRE, so try not to read too much into it. So far you and this new man are very compatible with each other. Hopefully that will turn out to continue to be the case as you get to know him better. As for a threesome, that sounds like an exciting prospect and I hope you are able to make that happen soon. Let us know of any specific question/s you may have. Glad you could join us!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Evie]

He lives about an hour away from me & now literally said he'd rather stay at home alone if there is not another woman with me when he comes over!

This is your red flag. The next is insisting it's one of your friends.

Sure, he's good in bed. So are lots of guys. Go find one who values you as an individual.

 

[LoveBunny]

Yeah, this sounds less like a relationship and more like you're being used as bait...

 

[Evie]

Also, polyamory is having multiple loving relationships, not threesomes, so he's already misleading you.

 

[Bobbi]

This isn't polyamory. It's threesome sex. Vastly different.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm a 47 year old female that has two children, but never been married. I have been engaged to some really great men. 3 times, but I never could go thru with it, which at this point in my life I'm trying to figure out-- why?

Because you didn't want to, and/or took marriage prep classes and found you were not deeply compatible? Only you can answer that.

The chemistry is off the charts & he's very verbal when we are entwined, but not about the sex itself, about us & how he feels about me.

Are you being love-bombed?

What Is Love Bombing? 7 Signs To Look For

If you think your new relationship is too good to be true, you may need to look for red flags associated with love bombing. This form of psychological and emotional abuse is often disguised as excessive flattery. Here’s what to look for, how to stop it and how to recover from it.

health.clevelandclinic.org

Dude is coming on hot and heavy and "magical," and has swept you off your feet, and once he thought he had you hooked, here comes the unreasonable asks, pressuring you for threesomes.

You yourself say it was out of character for you to get all swept up like this so early.

Note I am extremely uncomfy being vulnerable because of my own issues, and I'm wondering if this is what a relationship is supposed to be like since my past relationships were filled with drama, negativity & power struggles, because I have always been a strong, independent woman who cannot be tamed.

NO. This does not sound like a normal healthy relationship. It sounds love-bombing, to me.

Becoming "super independent" is sometimes a trauma response, like the person was hurt by someone close and now struggles to trust anyone but themselves. But go on that way too long and a person can get really lonely and basically ripe for the picking at the first whiff of what seems like kindness or love. But all that glitters isn't gold. So taking more time to get to know someone hopefully weeds out the incompatibles.

What would "healthy interdependence" look like to you? What would "healthy relationship" look like? Have you ever thought about what behaviors those things would include?

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

However, once I agreed, he has been all about the threesome. He lives about an hour away from me & now literally said he'd rather stay at home alone if there is not another woman with me when he comes over!

So he was willing to drive out to see you at first, to get new sex from you. But now he won't come see you unless you arrange for new people to come have sex with him there. Can't he arrange his OWN other dates?

To clarify, while I will not allow myself to be insubordinated by anyone in the day-to-day. I am submissive in bed & never say no to sex with my partner, no matter what because, well, I love sex with that person & am not one to have multiple partners or sleep around.

I think it's kinda early to call this "love." It's infatuation, at best. Might also be kinda early to engage in kink/power exchange. He's still essentially a stranger.

A guy can be good at sex and not actually be a "nice" person. In fact, "good sex" might be his "in" that he uses to get a foot in the door and get the person all discombobulated and easy to manipulate. It's like getting people drunk and taking advantage, just that it's "sex drunk" rather than "alcohol drunk."

He doesn't want any rules, just be in the moment. Um. He's said that it's for pure pleasure & that excites me because when he initially brought it up -I asked if he was talking about polyamourosity & he said yes.

So there are "no rules" for him, but a lot of expectations to set up threesomes with your friends heaped on YOU? What kind of business is that?

Polyamory means "many loves," like having more than one GF, BF, or partner. Threesomes/group sex are a thing of their own. Group sex is NOT a requirement in polyamory. Some people are into group sex AND polyamory. Some people only want polyamory and do NOT want group sex. Other people might want other things-- swinging, kink, monogamy, monogamish, etc.

I wonder if he would have said "yes" to whatever in the moment, just because he thought saying yes would bring him closer to securing that threesome he wanted from you, those threesomes he wants YOU do all the set-up work for?

I honestly a, not sure what this means. And I'm sure that once we do have s threesome, we probably will want to continue having them.

Not necessarily. It can be "one and done" if that's what the people want. I suggest you review these consent cartoons. Just because you consent to something once doesn't mean you ALWAYS consent.

Rape And Consent Explained In 7 Simple Comics By Alli Kirkham

One of the most controversial points in the modern discussion of rape is consent. Comic artist Alli Kirkham helped clear the question up with a series of 7 comics that illustrate sexual consent issues with everyday situations that are easier for everyone to understand.

www.boredpanda.com

How would he react to you sharing a threesome with 2 other people that does NOT involve him? Like if you were being responsible and said, "Partner, I'd like to share sex with you. But I need to make you aware that my risk profile has changed since we were last together. I recently had a threesome. Safer sex practices, like condoms and ___were used. Would you like to share sex with condoms me, or wait for a new set of labs first?"

Would he get mad? Or sulk?

How about him being responsible since he wants "no rules"? What does that look like? It's fine to want casual, no deep involvement or entanglements, and no promises to be exclusive. But there ARE still responsible basics, like condoms and labs, right? Does he use safe sex practices? Does he disclose up front, or do you have to ask? Did you even think to actively ask or assume he'd tell?

Is he one of those guys that doesn't really take care of his body or health, and just cares about getting sex, and just does whatever the partner of the moment wants in order to gain access? But he'd rather his partner doesn't want anything, or doesn't even think to ask about safer sex practices, condoms, risk profile, etc. There are people like that.

It's probably good that you are posting here to get a reality check. If he buttered you up at the start and now wants you to be a threesome organizer/sex dispenser machine, that's not great.

The problem is, I'm more comfy finding a stranger & he wants it to be someone that I am comfy with doing this, suggesting I find one of my girlfriends to join us, which has turned out to be frustrating for him, because he's all excited & wants to have a threesome as soon as possible, but none of the friends I've asked are interested, or they have recently experienced events in their lives in which it was inappropriate to even ask them.

He wants YOU to set everything up so he can sleep with all your friends? And he's "frustrated" because you aren't making it happen fast enough to suit him?

You don't HAVE to do threesomes with each other. You could share that with other people instead.

How about you do YOUR threesome set-ups how you like, with strangers, for "one and done," and he does his OWN threesome set-ups with HIS friends how he likes? That's fair. He does his thing. You do yours. He takes care of his body. You take care of yours. And when you two feel like getting together for a date and/or to share sex together, you do it responsibly.

And him withholding from me until he gets what he wants isn't really that big of a deal to me because I chalk it up to him wanting to exert his dominance over me & be the alpha - and I play along for his sake.

So he likes to get you hooked on good sex so he can later weaponize it or use it like a bargaining chip or other weird? THIS is healthy sex? It sounds manipulative to me. Nobody is ENTITLED to partnered sex, but if he's using sex like a weapon or something, it is... weird.

I suggest you quit "playing along" for his sake and start doing things for YOUR sake. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship or healthy kink. He sounds user-y.

Anyway, that's where I'm at & that's why I'm here. I am new to this & have a lot to learn, plus a lot of questions!

Good that you are questioning!

Do you even want polyamory? You sound like you want a steady partner, and at the most, "monogamish," where both partners could have casual sex with other people once in blue moon and not have it be a big deal. But the main focus is on the one relationship.

Just because Dude was the game changer person that made you rethink monogamy and think about other relationship models, doesn't mean you have to stick with him forever, or that he's "automatically" compatible for the kind of HEALTHY non-monogamy you seek.

Honestly, he sounds messy and like he doesn't know what actual polyamory is. He's looking for casual sex and casual group sex.

It's okay if you decide that was enough fun in bed and choose to end it with him because you want something else long-term. It was a fun short-term thing. But no, you're not compatible. You don't feel like setting up hookups with your friends for threesome sex with him. So you just end it before it gets weirder or more complicated. Then spend some time educating yourself on the various types of ethical non-monogamy and figure out what you are/are not into on your own.

Galagirl

 

[RollTide]

Thanks so much, everyone. I really appreciate it.

That's what I'm saying/thinking myself. And actually I've told him that I don't need mindf***ed & that he's not the only one sniffing around, but he is he only one that I let get what they wanted. He came on so strong, then backed off a bit, which I considered the "Rubber Band Man Theory" because I've experienced that before. https://www.lovegevity.university/page/John_Gray3a#:~:text=Called the “rubber band” or,his partner and pulling away.

It's not really about he sex, it's what he SAYS during sex. I mean, it's not like he said it to get into my pants. I honestly was just trying to have fun for once, since I am a homebody because I have a young child... and my close family member introduced us. I wasn't expecting anything but sex, but he elevated it to a different level.

I have stood my ground & he actually did come over, acting like it was a monumental task to drive about an hour, which to me isn't that far or a big deal at all. But that's me. At this point I feel like I've made him feel so good or boosted his ego so much that he feels that he can act the way he's acting, which I told him.

I also thought it would be fun & exciting, but his behavior has pretty much ruined it. I suggested we look online together & meet someone, but I guess he has this fantasy in mind that it's supposed to happen a certain way. From my point of view, I told him "you do you," and if the opportunity arises to have the threesome he's always wanted, to "go for it!" But for some reason he wants it to be with me???

Yes, the sex is amazing, but honestly, sex for me & with me is kinda always been that way bcuz I'm usually very selective. And I'm one of those people that have an 'off switch' that can occur instantly if someone rubs me the wrong way.

There are numerous men that I could have sex with, but it always seems so complicated.

My last relationship was pretty much ruined by one of my friends because her bf thought I was "beautiful" & wanted us all to have a threesome. Then she started saying how she wished she had a man like mine that adored her, etc., suggesting that my bf and I have a threesome together, going as far as to touch him from he backseat one night when we were all out together (I was driving), which he later told me about. My ex didn't really find her attractive, although she was very pretty. She sent dirty pics to my cell & when I told her he wasn't interested, well, she went on the warpath. Note me & her were sexually involved at times for fun, but neither consider ourselves bi. We are still friends, but it's just not the same, & since then we haven't fooled around.

My whole life I've been approached by women and/or couples about threesomes or bi sex... I don't know why. I guess I give off a vibe or... I dunno.

Lastly, I wanna say, can't mindeff a mindeffer lol. I could totally manipulate this guy or others, but I've never felt the need to after I voted I didn't want to be like that in a relationship, since when I was in my teens & always got what I wanted by certain tactics. But anyways... maybe I'm toying with him back on some level. Who knows!?!

I will check out the links provided & maybe just like do what I want to do, as I obvs need to meet some new people that are genuine, like me!

Thanks again. Sorry for the long post. I just am trying to free myself from all the hang-ups I've had that have prevented me from exploring what I feel I would like to experience in my life. And yes, there's been lots of trauma in my life, but I don't want to let it define me or keep me from living life to the fullest anymore.

 

[Magdlyn]

If you're confused about how men think, remember, many men will say ANYTHING to get in a woman's pants. You said the sweet things he whispers during sex are not about the sex, but about "us, and how he feels about me." Um, how long had you been talking/dating at that point? A few weeks?

Obvs he was just saying "whatever" about his "romantic/loving feelings" for you, as a person, to get more sex and to get you to arrange for him to have sex with your friend(s)!

Love-bombing 101.

Men admit to saying whatever they need to say to get sex off a woman. Why not say nice things about her, what a wonderful person she is, in her soul or whatever, if that works better than just saying she's beautiful, hot, tight, etc.?

Sigh...

And to learn more about open relationships, what the different kinds are (swinging, group sex, actual polyamory) read the book Opening Up, along with as much as you can stand to read (articles and other books) from our resource list. There is also a highly recommended podcast, which is convenient to listen to when on the road, or doing housework, etc.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

 

[Magdlyn]

I can't believe he said he wouldn't come over unless you had one of your woman friends there, waiting for him with open legs. OMG. That is so insulting.

 

[jantjen91]

You talk about possibly spending the rest of your life with this man because the sex is so great but what about the times you aren't having sex? How does he treat you then? Do you have the same interests, the same values, same ideas about the future? How does he treat your children? Has he even met them?

I do agree it sounds like love bombing to get a threesome with you and someone else he already has in mind. If he's moping about not having a threesome, then it's just about sex, not an actual relationship, and there is not going to be a future with him.

 

[Albert Ross]

The problem is, I'm more comfy finding a stranger, & he wants it to be someone that I am comfy with doing this, suggesting I find one of my girlfriends to join us, which has turned out to be frustrating for him, because he's all excited & wants to have a threesome as soon as possible, but none of the friends I've asked are interested

You: I don't want to have a threesome at all.
Him: I expect you to have a threesome if you want to keep being in a relationship with me.
You: ...uhhhh, fuck. Ok. Fine. I'd like it to be with someone I don't know, I'd be most comfortable with that.
Him: No, I want you to be comfy, so ask one of your girlfriends.
You: I... I literally just told you I'd be MORE COMFORTABLE if it WASN'T one of my girlfriends.
Him: Hmm? Sorry, I spaced out. What time am I coming over to fuck you and your hottest girlfriend?

I'm sure I'm editorializing a LITTLE, since I don't know either of you at all, but, like. It sure sounds like this guy sucks and you should get the hell away from him.

I don't believe in the concept of "the love of your life", but surely a minimum viable love of your life wouldn't pressure you into sex you don't want? Bar's on the floor, here.

 

[ref2018]

You can say "fucked" and "fucker" here. You don't have to write "f***ed" or "effer". We are adults. We can handle profanity in the appropriate context.

 

[MeeraReed]

I guarantee you that this guy will be VERY BAD at having a threesome. Bad at the emotions of it, bad at communicating about it, bad at the actual sex of it. Bad at being kind and thoughtful and mature to both you and the other woman.

I suspect he can't find any other woman interested in joining him for a threesome, hence he wants you to ask your friends.