New confusion

[redsirenn]

I have been dating someone for about 5 months. It started out as a casual thing. I'd recently came out of a divorce, and we had no interest in anything more than fun and sex. That "plan" didn't work out. We have grown closer and things have begun to hit the fan, so to speak.

I have known for a while that he was thinking about polyamory. I just never thought I would get attached, and so didn't think about it much. We have been non-exclusive during this time. I have dated other people. He has remained monogamous to me. He says it was out of respect, whatever that means. I didn't expect that, or ask for it.

All of a sudden, I found out that he was away visiting a friend he has feelings for. We had a discussion, where I asked him to take things slow. I made the mistake of not clarifying what I meant about this. We talked on the phone, and he agreed, with hesitation, to remain platonic with her while away.

Now I am terrified. I need to know what to do. Should I stay and try to see if this will work for us? Should I just leave now?

I am genuinely curious. I like to stretch my thinking about the world. I am afraid that if I don't try, I will always wonder about it.

Our chemistry is amazing. We get along really well. I was recently introduced to his family (apparently the first girl in a couple of years).

I have expressed to him many times that I need complete and total honesty, or else I won't be able to maintain this relationship, or even just a friendship with him.

I know that this situation is different, in that we were never officially exclusive, so it is not like we are opening up a committed, monogamous relationship. But I have never done this before, and would like to take it VERY SLOWLY. The only way I can trust him is if I know him. And the only way I can know him is with time! This is a double-edged sword, because to me, that means working on our relationship with each other, and then opening it up after I do feel I can trust him and know that his intentions are pure.

There are oh-so many discussions that need to be had, which will take time, energy, and processing in both our minds.

He has never tried this before either, so this will be an exploration for the both of us, a chance to figure out what polyamory means to us, or even if we just want an open relationship.

Any thoughts? I really need some people to talk to about this. It is eating away at my life right now.

 

[Quath]

It sounds like you are open to trying this. There are not really any formal rules to polyamory. The closest is something based on loving many people with full knowledge and consent of all involved. The biggest emphasis is on communication. It is ok to feel jealous, but we also try to use it to better understand what that jealousy represents, like insecurity, fear or envy.

People can cheat in polyamorous relationships, but my guess is it is a lot less common than in monogamous relationships, because some of the reasons to cheat have been removed.

Make sure you are very clear with each other. For example, if you say you are comfortable with him seeing her, but no sex, that is too vague. Some people say that a blowjob is not sex, while some think that getting to second base is, so make sure you are on the same page.

If you are open to the idea, why not try it? If anything, it is a good life story, no matter how it turns out.

 

[redsirenn]

Approaching poly

This is what I am thinking about bringing up to him. Give time for me to develop trust in the relationship, while being sexually exclusive. During this time, I will continue to examine all my thoughts about this, and so will he. We will continue to have discussions about this during that time and develop some sort of rule set. Then, after I feel we have talked about it enough, and thought it through, and feel that we have been honest and understand each other, we proceed according to what we talked about.

I have no intention of only pretending I want to do this, which is one of his fears. I also want to make sure I am doing this for me, not just for him. He has said that he doesn't fully trust this.

I know that because my previous relationship ended due to infidelity (based on lies) that in current, and future relationships, my partner must EARN my trust.

So, it seems we need time. Thoughts?