New emotions with a new relationship

ambleew

ambleew

New member
Please bear with me on this one, as it is long. I am very new to polyamory, so I would love to hear any input/comments/suggestions/etc. I'm just kind of venting and stating how I feel, since I only have a couple of friends that know about my lifestyle so far.

I am married to a wonderful man! We have been married a little over two years, but together almost eight. He is truly my soulmate and best friend.

I have always been very attracted to women, as well, which he has always been okay with. It was not until about a year ago that I decided I wanted him to have a threesome with me and another woman. We did, and I really liked it. The more I thought about it, the more I saw how much I wanted a female that I could share with him, not only sexually, but also emotionally.

Anyway, we met a girl and have been seeing her for about a month now. She and her daughter have stayed over with us for about 4 nights every week since we met. We already gave her a key to our place.

I fall very easily. I have very strong feelings for her already. She says she feels the same for me, and I can really feel it when she looks me in my eyes and tells me. She and my husband are both still building their relationship, but I can tell it is progressing in a very good way. She is very new to this, as well. It is new for all of us. I love where it is going. But I am also terrified!

She just moved to town about three months ago and is living with her aunt until she gets on her feet. She just found out her aunt is getting a divorce and she will have to find a place to live. We have talked seriously about her and her daughter moving in with us. I am excited and hope she does, but also nervous. Is it normal to feel this way? I want to share my life with her in every way. I get so excited when I think about a future with her.

My husband is gaining strong feelings for her, as well.

When she is not at our house, we miss her and talk about her. I almost feel like I am in high school again, as giddy as I get when I talk to her.

I have been struggling a little, but I think that is normal when just beginning, right? I mean, I don’t think I am jealous. I’m just scared. I’ve opened myself up and terrified that it will go awry. I know I am falling in love with her and it scares me to death. What if she changes her mind? What if she isn’t in this 100%?

We have discussed having children together at some point… just kind of touching on the subject, as she is curious and scared of what others will think. For those of you that have children, do you both have a children from the same man? How does that work? What do the children call you? How do you explain your relationship to the kids? I know it’s early to talk about this in our relationship, but it’s definitely something that may come up some day.

I'm sorry this post was long. I honestly have so much more I could say, but that’s for another post. :p
 
Slow down

Hi, Ambleew. Welcome to the group.

I'm sure you're going to find a number of people chiming in with the sentiment I'm going to share.

SLOW DOWN!

You've only known this woman for a month! This is not nearly long enough to know her well enough to determine what conflicts may arise if you were living together. Everyone is still on their best behavior, and drunk on "new relationship energy" (NRE). 🙃

Living together is a whole different ball of wax! All manner of niggly things would come up that could ruin an otherwise wonderful new relationship.

There's quite a lot already written here on the forum regarding this, so do a little search. If I recall correctly, there's actually a complete (and active) thread dedicated to more or less this topic (NRE).

If she is about to be out in the street, well, maybe you have to do what you have to do... no different than you might for a stranger. But you aren't strangers, so the interaction will be loaded with gunpowder. I'd try to find some way to help her other than moving her in, if possible, and let the relationship continue to move in whatever direction it will. s wonderful as it seems now, trust me, things are going to change in a number of ways before it all settles in. Better to have it settle softly than crash and break on the rocks.
 
Thanks a bunch for your input! I agree things are progressing pretty quickly. I'm sure she has alternative options regarding living situations. I definitely don't want the relationship to crash and burn, so if that means taking it much slower, then so be it. :)

Thanks for the insight. I am definitely caught up in the NRE right now.
 
As GroundedSpirit said, you will probably receive a few responses from people telling you to slow down. I, however, am not one of those people.

That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from. Who's to say how fast is too fast for you and your "family"?

What I would say is always proceed with caution. I am of the belief that we do not conduct our lives in the way others see fit or what others have adopted as normal processes. You conduct your life based on what works for your and your loved ones. That's why we are mature (hopefully), growing, individuals. If the current pace is comfortable for all parties involved, you should continue with that pace. However, the communication must be vast, open, and clear enough where you guys have no problem discussing all things, small and large, along the way.

Discussing your future desires and throwing ideas around is beneficial so that everyone can start pondering if the desires are the same, etc. There's nothing wrong with being sure of yourself and what you want. It cuts out a lot of indecisiveness and fumbling through relationships. I'm sure things will grow and some desires will change along the way, but the foundation is being laid, which is what is important.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, and you guys decided to move the third party in, you should approach it more like "helping a friend in an unstable situation out," because she obviously is going to need a place to stay. You guys can discuss allowing her to stay temporarily, while she continues to search for an affordable place. If the living situation flows naturally, then you guys can all decide whether or not it is necessary for her to continue to browse for her own place at a later date.

Sometimes, no matter how great people are together, relationship-wise, they may not mesh together well when it comes to living together. So that may turn out to be a growing process.

All relationships are trial and error. But as long as everyone involved is interested in putting forth a great deal of effort to learn, compromise, grow, understand, and unite, everything can work out.

Sorry for the length.
 
GroundedSpirit said:
SLOW DOWN!!!

You've only known this girl for a month! That is not nearly long enough to know her well enough to determine what conflicts may arise if you were living together. Everyone is still on their best behavior and drunk on NRE.

Living together is a whole different ball of wax! All manner of niggly things come up that could ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship.
Click to expand...

Great advice, GS! No need for me to say anything.
 
eklctc said:
You will probably receive a few responses from people telling you to slow down. I am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from. Who's to say how fast is too fast for you and your 'family? Always proceed with caution. I am of the belief that we do not conduct our lives in the way others see fit or what others have adopted as normal processes. You conduct your life based on what works for your and your loved ones. That's why we are mature (hopefully), growing, individuals. If the current pace is comfortable for all parties involved, you should continue with that pace. Hopefully, the communication is vast, open, and clear enough where you guys have no problem discussing all things, small and large, along the way.

Discussing your future desires and throwing ideas around is beneficial so that everyone can start pondering if the desires are the same, etc. There's nothing wrong with being sure of yourself and what you want. It cuts out a lot of indecisiveness and fumbling through relationships. I'm sure things will grow and some desires will change along the way, but the foundation is being laid, which is important.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, and you guys decided to move the third party in, you should approach it more like "helping a friend in an unstable situation out," because she obviously is going to need a place to stay. You guys can discuss allowing her to stay temporarily, while she continues to search for an affordable place. Sometimes, no matter how great people are together relationship-wise, they may not mesh well when it comes to living together, so that may turn out to be a growing process.

All relationships are trial and error, but as long as everyone involved is interested in putting forth a great deal of effort to learn, compromise, grow, understand, and unite everything can work out.
Click to expand...

I like this post by eklctc. If the relationship is going to burn, well, it might have burnt anyway, even if you weren't living together, maybe at a later date. Who knows, really? So do what feels right.

And as you are asking for advice, my only caution would be is that she isn't dependent on the two of you for her living/survival. If she is independent (money-wise) from the two of you, I feel like it would even the dynamic of the relationship and things may run smoother.
 
eklctc said:
I am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from.
Click to expand...

Well there, another approach. All approaches are equal, as long as one is willing to accept the consequences that come with the decision.

But I do have to call out the stereotype of a "traditional, conditioned mindset."

If you have actually had some experience in living together with groups of people, lovers or not, you've learned that it takes something special to make it work. Nothing about this is "traditional." But I will grant it is conditioned. Conditioned from experience. Having lived in groups numerous times, with lovers and non-lovers, I've seen the risks in moving too fast. Great relationships soured, not completely, but damaged.

Once one gets in, it can be extremely difficult to get out, or to be the one pushing for someone's exit. Not fun.

Maybe some other's experiences have been different. Culture undoubtedly plays a large role in this. For example, I've seen large numbers of immigrants stuffed into a one-bedroom apartment, and managing quite nicely. But that was a mode they were accustomed to living in all their lives, so to them is normal.

But for those who've been used to a bit more space, and a bit more privacy, it can be a huge adjustment, one some people just can't make. You forgot to wipe up that ketchup spot-- GET OUT! I've seen it.

Forewarned is forearmed, nothing more.
 
It sounds like you are really enjoying yourself, ambleew. This stage of the game of a budding relationship can be very exciting. I have been made to believe that there are happy times ahead. That could be true here, but I would suggest that you check out that feeling you are having. I wonder if it is telling you something about the pace you all have been going on.

I would suggest that you slow down and really let the moment be. There is no rush to move people in, raise kids and plan a future in any serious way, I don't think. The not-so-great thing about NRE is that it doesn't last.

I have known quite a few relationships that have done a whirlwind of things, all under the influence of NRE, and then, when that has settled, wondered what the hell they had done. Then they have to figure out how to change things so they will work, rather than decide where to move forward, at that point.

Most of the time, the relationships I have known of that do such things as move someone in, promise to raise their children, and have given them money (not to say that you have done the things on that list that you haven't indicated, but this seems to be pretty close to the list that happens for a lot of people), have crashed and burned in disaster, and the kids have suffered, along with everyone else. Not fair for them at all to build connections and have them taken away suddenly.

Now this might not happen. But it is that "feeling" of which you speak that has me thinking.

My bf Mono, my husband NP and I have worked for two years to get to a place where we all feel safe and secure in our decision to live together. There was absolutely no doubt that we were ready to try it. And we all have options if it doesn't work out. This was part of the process for us. None of us wanted to be left in the lurch if it didn't work.

eklctc, the "traditional, conditioned mindset" of which you speak (also wondering where that came from, and what experience you have that would make you suggest that it is a "conditioned mindset") is actually more of a poly one, in my experience. It seems to be a popular poly trait to rush into relationships with others. To me, the rushing and the speed needs to come from my gut and heart through my mouth in the form of communication, not on the speed in which I develop my relationships.

What evidence do you have that makes your statement true for you?
 
I would suggest you consider slowing down, too. The way I see it, there is so much happening already, you don't need to have even more happening at the same time. It's easier to deal with it when it's spread out.

Because it's a new relationship, a lot of things will need to be dealt with, and it will be harder if you have other issues linked to living together that you'd have to deal with at the same time.

I don't think it's impossible for things to work out if you live together right away, but I do believe it makes things harder, because you have so much more on your plate at once. Not everyone can deal with that easily, especially with polyamory, when more people are involved.

So, try and pull yourself out of NRE for a second, and look at the situation, and consider slowing down. Ultimately, you know your situation better than everyone, but if you didn't have a doubt that it was the right thing to do, you wouldn't have asked for advice, now, would you?
 
Myzka, thanks. I've always been known for being able to have and accept a much broader viewpoint when considering topics. :)

GroundedSpirit, thanks for your insight. Whether you move fast or slow, relationships can sour. That is why I offered an alternate approach to the living situation. It doesn't have to be introduced as "We are all together, and we really are into each other, and we are moving full speed ahead by moving her and her daughter in as a part of our family." If the situation is clearly discussed, and everyone has an understanding (and possibly a written agreement), things can work out fine. And if they don't, there is an agreement in place that clearly defines what is expected in that event.

Of course, we know there are different experiences, viewpoints, and approaches. I believe that is a lot of the reason why we are here, isn't it?

I definitely agree about adjustment. Life in general is a big adjustment. It's all about how you perceive and adapt to it.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Redpepper, you must have misunderstood my statement. The traditional, conditioned mindset statement was in reference to the "slow down" thought process, not the "speed up." Of course, we all know that is the first statement most people would make, because that is what is taught as the norm in relationship development.

The traditional relationship mindset, in general, is a conditioned mindset. Laws, society, and many religions have given us the blueprint of how relationships should be conducted, who can be involved with them, what type of sex is acceptable, etc. Those standards are filtered down through most generations and accepted as "the right way."

I have had some experience in various traditional and alternative relationship types, and the topic at hand (speedy development) happens across the board.. Of course, it would seem that it happens more so in one community than another, depending on what community you are involved in. Plus, since most alternative relationship communities do not associate in big groups, I could see how one would determine quicker development in comparison to others in various poly communities, since they are most likely basing their opinion on a small niche of people.

Of course, we know any relationship type can develop at various paces. Which pace is an acceptable one depends on who's analyzing it. My point is, the only comfort levels that are important are those of the people involved in the relationship. However, I believe in proceeding with caution in all situations, regardless of the length of time vested. Contrary to popular belief, time doesn't guarantee knowledge, especially when dealing with people who are constantly changing, growing, and learning.

We all inquire about the thoughts of others. Or at least I do this, as a sounding board to, hopefully, be introduced to some points I hadn't considered, as I make my decisions on how to move forward.

Thanks for your thoughts.
 
I go as slow as the relationship allows. That said, notice the wording-- it goes as slow as it needs to. I tend to have fireballs of love. It's generally how I work. And, considering my record in relationships, going slowly is really a personal thing.

If you are comfortable running... Jesus, run.

I never try to dictate the pace directly, just try and move comfortably within everyone's limits.

Keep in mind, your partners may be lying about their comfort. I figured this out when I thought everything was going well, but then found out they were using the stiff-upper-lip tactic.

Either way, enjoy the ride, and best of luck with your relationships. :)
 
eklctc said:
Redpepper, you must have misunderstood my statement. The traditional, conditioned mindset statement was in reference to the "slow down" thought process, not the "speed up." Of course, we all know that is the first statement most people would make because that IS what is taught as the norm in relationship development. The traditional relationship mindset, in general, is a conditioned mindset. Laws, society, and many religions have given us the blueprint of how relationships should be conducted, who can be involved with them, what type of sex is acceptable, etc. and those standards are filtered down through most generations and accepted as the right way. I have had some experience in various traditional and alternative relationship types and the topic at hand happens across the board (speedy development). Of course it would seem that it happens moreso in one community than another depending on what community you are involved in. Plus, since most alternative relationship communities do not associate in big groups, I could see how one would determine quicker development in comparison to others in various poly communities since they are most likely basing their opinion on a small nitch of people.

Of course, we know any relationship type can develop at various paces. Which pace is an acceptable one depends on who's analyzing it. My point is, the only comfort levels that are important are those of the people involved in the relationship. However, I believe in proceeding with caution in all situations, regardless of the length of time vested. Contrary to popular belief, time doesn't guarantee knowledge, especially, when dealing with people who are constantly changing, growing, and learning.

We all inquire about the thoughts of others. At least, I do, as a sounding board to, hopefully, be introduced to some points that I hadn't considered as I make my decision on how to move forward.
Click to expand...
I think this is a very valid point, not to slow down so much as to be cautious. I get that. I still would recommend slowing down in order to understand what to be cautious about, and so as to see and understand what will naturally come up, especially with children involved, and a whole lot of NRE energy.

My concern was more in the approach that you had. We don't all subscribe to the same point of view. In your original post it seemed that you were challenging GS, and therefore me, because I would have agreed with him. Maybe for differing reasons, but essentially agreed.

He was loud in saying that the OP should SLOW DOWN! That could've come off as bossy, for sure. I have known him on here a while and am used to how he posts. I doubt that is what it was meant to sound like. When you said back to him and the OP "You will probably receive a few responses from people telling you to slow down. I, however, am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from," I was alarmed, as it isn't my experience, and I don't have any desire to grow away from my opinion.

I have never been told to "slow down" in all the years I have had relationships (I am 40 now), and I can tell you I have had some fast developments. Mono and I took all of a week to meet, fuck and then get to our regular Tuesday-night sleepovers. This was way too fast, and no one, except PN, said anything. He would've preferred I'd gone at his pace, a slower pace, because he struggled.

I learned to slow down from hard-earned experience. And while I stand by my view, I can still respect that it works for others to fly into things. Hell, it worked for us, eventually (with the exception of PN's feelings).

I think if you had marketed your view and said something along the lines of "I believe, or I think, or in my experience" I, for one, would not feel as if my understanding of the world and my experience in my own life are not valid or wrong because you think I should change my "traditional, conditioned mindset." Frankly, I'm not that keen on being told that by someone that doesn't know me.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I am really not meaning it to. I totally understand now the point you are making, and fully agree. I respect you have had different experiences. But I just thought I would offer this communication concept for you and others to think about, as I find sometimes that a reasonable and valuable point is missed because of the way it has been said.

I hope it's helpful.

I apologize to the OP for getting off track.
 
Hi Ambleew,

I think it's great that you and your hub have found this woman. Plus, she's a package deal, which can make it even better.

If she needs a place to stay, until she gets on her feet, I don't see the harm in helping her out, as long as she doesn't take advantage of you guys.

As for moving in, there's a lot to consider-- finances, her daughter, how your families and friends will react.

Nothing is set in stone, either. If you try and it's successful, awesome. Expect some bumps along the way. If it doesn't work out, she could always move out and you guys could still have a relationship.

Best of luck to you, sweetie.
 
eklctc said:
As GroundedSpirit said, you will probably receive a few responses from people telling you to slow down. I, however, am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from. Who's to say how fast is too fast for 'you' and 'your family'? What I would say is...always proceed with caution. I am of the belief that we do not conduct our lives in the way others see fit or what others have adopted as normal processes. You conduct your life based on what works for your and your loved ones. That's why we are mature (hopefully), growing, individuals and if the current pace is comfortable for all parties involved...you should continue with that pace and, hopefully, the communication is vast, open, and clear enough where you guys have no problem discussing all things, small and large, along the way.

Discussing your future desires and throwing ideas around is beneficial so that everyone can start pondering if the desires are the same, etc. There's nothing wrong with being sure of yourself and what you want. It cuts out a lot of indecisiveness and fumbling through relationships. I'm sure things will grow and some desires will change along the way but the foundation is laid which is what is important.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, and you guys decided to move the third party in, you should approach it more like 'helping a friend in an unstable situation out' because she obviously is going to need a place to stay. You guys can discuss allowing her to stay currently while she continues to search for an affordable place. If the living situations flows naturally then you guys can all decide whether or not it is necessary for her to continue to browse for her own place at a later date. Sometimes, no matter how great people are together relationshipwise, they may not mesh together well when it comes to living together so that may turn out to be a growing process.

All relationships are trial and error but as long as everyone involved is interested in putting forth a great deal of effort to learn, compromise, grow, understand, and unite everything can work out.
Click to expand...

I've never been one to care about statistics. So I agree that pace is determined by those who set it. Of course, you don't want to go in blind though, without any thought. eklctc said its' trial and error. This is one of the larger of the trials but not impossible to mount. Do not be discouraged about the statistics, but take heed to the caution signs of others who have experience. Keep in mind that everyone's relationships are different.

All of you should have a conversation: "Moving in will cause challenges. Are you up for it?" That kind of thing. Talk about house habits or pet peeves. All in all, there should be a healthy balance of "It feels right" and "Is this logical and is common sense covered?"
 
Trying again, and other feelings

Hey guys. It's been awhile! First of all, I want to thank you ALL for your advice and input! It really helped.

We decided to slow things down. Actually, a couple of days after my post, she decided to move back with her ex husband out of town. It hurt, because she left without even a goodbye. Our First Experience... but we learned. :)

We have actually been seeing a new girl for about three weeks now. My husband met her at work. It was a completely accidental meeting. We both enjoy time with her. We are definitely taking things slow this time. I honestly do struggle a little with some jealousy because they work together, although in different departments. I feel like she is making an honest effort to get to know me. How do i get over this feeling?

Also, she has said that she wants to pursue a relationship with us, and that she wants to tell her mother when she comes into town next month. However, I feel bad about a conversation we had last night. She said the only thing that bothers her is that she knows she will never have a wedding, and that all girls dream of a wedding. She said she is happy with us and wouldn't trade it for anything. Is this a normal want for everyone?

Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm at work and just saying what has come to my mind today.
 
Are weddings a normal desire? Well, yeah. That's what we have been taught. It's the mono dream. Of course, it is something others want too. It is engrained in our culture, so it is natural for someone to want this. There is no reason why, if this woman works out, that in a few years you could have a ceremony to join all three of you. That is done and a lovely way to seal a triad or V.

There is much written here on this if you do a search for marriage, commitment ceremony, handfasting. See what you find.
 
Redpepper, thanks so much! I love reading your responses on the boards. I don't get on here much, but I should change that, because it really helps me, being so new!

My husband, our gf and I all had a very serious talk the other night. She expressed her fears of never being able to marry my husband and the fear of being the "third wheel." In a way, it made me feel bad, because I felt like she was settling for us, and knowing how badly she wants marriage some day. She said she cares enough for us that we are all she wants and she can get over the marriage part. We did even discuss a commitment ceremony sometime in the future, if everything works out.

Communication has been a very big part of our relationship, and I think that's extremely important. She is very understanding of my feelings, as I am of hers.

I think that with any relationship, there will always be the fears of it not working. I just know that we are all happy and will enjoy the ride while it lasts... hopefully forever! :)
 
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