Polyamory
I’m honestly really afraid to write and post this, but:
I’m 37 (F) and have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for 5 years, living together, not married. I have two kids, 10 & 8, who both have an amazing bond and relationship with my partner, and call him their step dad. (I’ll refer to him as my partner for clarity purposes, even though we were separated for parts of this story.)
I have a long history of trauma, broken attachments, and other similar types of issues and experiences which certainly affect how I’ve chosen partners over the years. (Yes, I am in therapy. lol) When my current partner and I met, I was just two months out of a very unhealthy, borderline abusive relationship with another man, and really wasn’t ready to be looking for another relationship. But, I made the decision to do so anyway, and found my partner on a dating app. I realize this was an irresponsible and selfish choice on my part (I feel like the majority of this story centers around that theme, unfortunately), but I was also open and honest with him about the fact that it hadn't been long and the relationship had been a very bad one.
We began seeing each other, and though he’s an incredible man, I have had doubts about whether or not I am actually physically and romantically interested in him. But he fit so well into my life, we got along incredibly, and my kids adored him, so we continued moving forward. He moved in in 2021.
Over the years, I continued to almost subconsciously question my feelings without really bringing it up, to my partner, myself, or anyone. Everything else worked so well. We never argue or fight. The kids are happy. Why rock the boat? And at that point, I had never thought about finding someone else or looking outside of our relationship. I figured that the lack of feelings on my part was due to the fact that I am used to chaotic and dramatic relationships, and since this wasn’t one, it was normal for me to feel sort of hollow and out of place.
Fast forward to fall of 2024, I meet a guy out of nowhere, and all hell broke loose internally for me. I begin emotionally cheating on my partner by contacting this individual and beginning a dialogue. Naturally, all of the sudden, the missing pieces or “flaws” (I realize these are equally my responsibility, if not almost entirely, since I failed to recognize, acknowledge, and bring them up) in the relationship are now exploding in my mind.
By December, my partner was able to sense something wasn’t right and confronted me about seeing someone else, and things began to deteriorate really quickly. He said I needed to cut contact with the guy I was involved with, otherwise things would have to end. I didn’t, and he moved out at the end of January 2025. We continued speaking daily in long text exchanges and occasional conversations, and he would come over to spend time with the kids, but it was emotionally painful for everyone. We started therapy together in January, as well, couples and him individually.
This obviously had a major impact on both kids, which are details I prefer not to describe or relive here. Additionally, my partner not being their biological father made it even more complicated for him. For me, my kids see him as their dad (their bio father is still in the picture, but in a limited manner, especially when it comes to actual parenting).
I continued seeing this other guy until a disagreement in mid-May caused me to hit pause, take a step back and try to get some perspective on the situation. I filled my partner in on this, and we decided together it would make sense for him to move back in (he was staying at his parents' house, which was a less than ideal scenario for him and for them), so that we can re-establish our daily routine with the kids and try and stabilize things, while we pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to move forward. We are seeing a couples therapist.
At this point, I am feeling really lost in a lot of ways. I see my partner as a best friend, a coparent, like family. But for him, these things just aren’t complete unless the romantic and sexual relationship is there, as well. He wants nothing more than to “fix” things between him and I, seeing the affair as a symptom of something he’s not doing, or doing wrong, when in reality, I feel we are just mismatched, to a degree. When he moved back in, I immediately began old behaviors of engaging in physical intimacy with him, even though I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted, because I knew it would help him feel better. I recently brought up the fact that maybe I moved too fast in doing this, and sex itself may need to be tabled for now in order to simplify things for me, and that has been really worrisome for him.
I know I’ve really created a bit of a mess here, and this post might not even belong on this forum, but I am choosing to post it because I have never felt so isolated in my feelings before, despite talking about them with my partner, our therapist, my own individual therapist, and so on. I also realize that this situation is NOT what healthy polyamorous relationships are built on, and we have a shitload we have to figure out, both individually and together. But mostly I wanted to just put it out into the universe and see if anybody has had a similar experience or has some perspective to offer me, even if it’s critical.
The past 10 months have felt a little bit like falling into some sort of fugue, and I’m just looking for some kind of hope, both for me and for him. I don't know how to handle feeling like the only possible, real "solution" is for me to fall in love with him and live happily ever after. I know some relationships and marriages can come back from this type of situation, but for me, it never felt quite whole in the first place. And I should have been up front about that with him from the start.
Anyway, that's all. Thank you for reading all of this, if you have, holy smokes.
I’m 37 (F) and have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for 5 years, living together, not married. I have two kids, 10 & 8, who both have an amazing bond and relationship with my partner, and call him their step dad. (I’ll refer to him as my partner for clarity purposes, even though we were separated for parts of this story.)
I have a long history of trauma, broken attachments, and other similar types of issues and experiences which certainly affect how I’ve chosen partners over the years. (Yes, I am in therapy. lol) When my current partner and I met, I was just two months out of a very unhealthy, borderline abusive relationship with another man, and really wasn’t ready to be looking for another relationship. But, I made the decision to do so anyway, and found my partner on a dating app. I realize this was an irresponsible and selfish choice on my part (I feel like the majority of this story centers around that theme, unfortunately), but I was also open and honest with him about the fact that it hadn't been long and the relationship had been a very bad one.
We began seeing each other, and though he’s an incredible man, I have had doubts about whether or not I am actually physically and romantically interested in him. But he fit so well into my life, we got along incredibly, and my kids adored him, so we continued moving forward. He moved in in 2021.
Over the years, I continued to almost subconsciously question my feelings without really bringing it up, to my partner, myself, or anyone. Everything else worked so well. We never argue or fight. The kids are happy. Why rock the boat? And at that point, I had never thought about finding someone else or looking outside of our relationship. I figured that the lack of feelings on my part was due to the fact that I am used to chaotic and dramatic relationships, and since this wasn’t one, it was normal for me to feel sort of hollow and out of place.
Fast forward to fall of 2024, I meet a guy out of nowhere, and all hell broke loose internally for me. I begin emotionally cheating on my partner by contacting this individual and beginning a dialogue. Naturally, all of the sudden, the missing pieces or “flaws” (I realize these are equally my responsibility, if not almost entirely, since I failed to recognize, acknowledge, and bring them up) in the relationship are now exploding in my mind.
By December, my partner was able to sense something wasn’t right and confronted me about seeing someone else, and things began to deteriorate really quickly. He said I needed to cut contact with the guy I was involved with, otherwise things would have to end. I didn’t, and he moved out at the end of January 2025. We continued speaking daily in long text exchanges and occasional conversations, and he would come over to spend time with the kids, but it was emotionally painful for everyone. We started therapy together in January, as well, couples and him individually.
This obviously had a major impact on both kids, which are details I prefer not to describe or relive here. Additionally, my partner not being their biological father made it even more complicated for him. For me, my kids see him as their dad (their bio father is still in the picture, but in a limited manner, especially when it comes to actual parenting).
I continued seeing this other guy until a disagreement in mid-May caused me to hit pause, take a step back and try to get some perspective on the situation. I filled my partner in on this, and we decided together it would make sense for him to move back in (he was staying at his parents' house, which was a less than ideal scenario for him and for them), so that we can re-establish our daily routine with the kids and try and stabilize things, while we pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to move forward. We are seeing a couples therapist.
At this point, I am feeling really lost in a lot of ways. I see my partner as a best friend, a coparent, like family. But for him, these things just aren’t complete unless the romantic and sexual relationship is there, as well. He wants nothing more than to “fix” things between him and I, seeing the affair as a symptom of something he’s not doing, or doing wrong, when in reality, I feel we are just mismatched, to a degree. When he moved back in, I immediately began old behaviors of engaging in physical intimacy with him, even though I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted, because I knew it would help him feel better. I recently brought up the fact that maybe I moved too fast in doing this, and sex itself may need to be tabled for now in order to simplify things for me, and that has been really worrisome for him.
I know I’ve really created a bit of a mess here, and this post might not even belong on this forum, but I am choosing to post it because I have never felt so isolated in my feelings before, despite talking about them with my partner, our therapist, my own individual therapist, and so on. I also realize that this situation is NOT what healthy polyamorous relationships are built on, and we have a shitload we have to figure out, both individually and together. But mostly I wanted to just put it out into the universe and see if anybody has had a similar experience or has some perspective to offer me, even if it’s critical.
The past 10 months have felt a little bit like falling into some sort of fugue, and I’m just looking for some kind of hope, both for me and for him. I don't know how to handle feeling like the only possible, real "solution" is for me to fall in love with him and live happily ever after. I know some relationships and marriages can come back from this type of situation, but for me, it never felt quite whole in the first place. And I should have been up front about that with him from the start.
Anyway, that's all. Thank you for reading all of this, if you have, holy smokes.