Polyamory
Hey everyone
I’m a woman, new here and new to polyamory.
I’ve been browsing the forum for a few days now and I finally got the courage to post my story in hopes of some advice or at least finding out if anyone has been through something similar.
I’m okay with some judgement to figure out my next steps. I’m aware that probably a lot of stuff could have been handled better.
My partner (22F) and I (27F) have been together for a few years now and everything has been going great. We have very good communication and the relationship has been very loving. We originally started as a mono couple, but over the past year we have grown very confident with each other and our dynamic that after multiple late night talks and recognizing some stuff in ourselves (especially me), swinging became part of the conversation, which we practiced actively, and eventually polyamory.
The dynamic of a triad (specifically with another woman, as my partner is strictly lesbian and I’m bi) being very appealing to us, which apparently is a big thing and a common mistake with new people exploring polyamory.
But we tried to do things as right as possible, with the idea of both of us dating the same person as individuals, rather than a couple, with the hopes of a triad being possible to be developed. And if things weren’t gonna work out, any of us were allowed to continue dating. And of course with everyone involved being very aware of what’s going on and being free to choose other partners if they wished to.
Things ended up happening very suddenly and we met someone (26F) two months ago that we were both into and she was both into us.
Let’s call her C and my partner M. C was aware of the idea and willing to try with both of us. She was open to polyamory. It was all going great and we were at first enjoying some time all together and alone as dyads… up until we weren’t. C started withdrawing from M and spending most of her time with me. Their relationship became quite strained, as M wanted time with C and she wasn’t given that.
At the time, I brushed it off as “normal,” and that different people develop their dynamics at their own time and pace. And after all, part of the agreement was that if something didn't work out with one of us, it was fine for the other two to continue.
In hindsight, encouraging C and M to be more open about their feelings to each other might have saved all of us a lot of trouble. But instead, I was too absorbed in my side of things that fell in love with C and she with me.
About a week ago, C ended up blindsiding both me and M about how she had changed her mind on things and that the more she got attached to me, the “more she wanted me for herself” and started seeing M as competition. She is not okay with any poly structure, as she is against any form of “sharing me." This has obviously been quite devastating for all of us. I and C still talk as if nothing ever happened, but my relationship with her is in complete limbo. We want to be with each other, but for her, only if I’m not with anyone else. I cannot get myself to stop talking to her.
It has been very messy. I am in a middle of a situation that I have no idea how to handle properly. I am in love with both of them and M having started being treated as “competition” and hostile over time, is quite horrible. This has been very unfair to her. And I don’t know if I’m meant to intervene in some way between the two of them or just let things be.
Do I blow up a happy life with a loving partner just to be with someone who I feel like I'm really in love with? Am I just infatuated and not thinking clearly?
Overall, feeling pretty lost. If anyone has any thoughts or advice or just compassion to share, I’d love that. I’m also hoping my therapist appointment next week will give me some more insights.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my messy story. The community here is very nice.
I’m a woman, new here and new to polyamory.
I’ve been browsing the forum for a few days now and I finally got the courage to post my story in hopes of some advice or at least finding out if anyone has been through something similar.
I’m okay with some judgement to figure out my next steps. I’m aware that probably a lot of stuff could have been handled better.
My partner (22F) and I (27F) have been together for a few years now and everything has been going great. We have very good communication and the relationship has been very loving. We originally started as a mono couple, but over the past year we have grown very confident with each other and our dynamic that after multiple late night talks and recognizing some stuff in ourselves (especially me), swinging became part of the conversation, which we practiced actively, and eventually polyamory.
The dynamic of a triad (specifically with another woman, as my partner is strictly lesbian and I’m bi) being very appealing to us, which apparently is a big thing and a common mistake with new people exploring polyamory.
But we tried to do things as right as possible, with the idea of both of us dating the same person as individuals, rather than a couple, with the hopes of a triad being possible to be developed. And if things weren’t gonna work out, any of us were allowed to continue dating. And of course with everyone involved being very aware of what’s going on and being free to choose other partners if they wished to.
Things ended up happening very suddenly and we met someone (26F) two months ago that we were both into and she was both into us.
Let’s call her C and my partner M. C was aware of the idea and willing to try with both of us. She was open to polyamory. It was all going great and we were at first enjoying some time all together and alone as dyads… up until we weren’t. C started withdrawing from M and spending most of her time with me. Their relationship became quite strained, as M wanted time with C and she wasn’t given that.
At the time, I brushed it off as “normal,” and that different people develop their dynamics at their own time and pace. And after all, part of the agreement was that if something didn't work out with one of us, it was fine for the other two to continue.
In hindsight, encouraging C and M to be more open about their feelings to each other might have saved all of us a lot of trouble. But instead, I was too absorbed in my side of things that fell in love with C and she with me.
About a week ago, C ended up blindsiding both me and M about how she had changed her mind on things and that the more she got attached to me, the “more she wanted me for herself” and started seeing M as competition. She is not okay with any poly structure, as she is against any form of “sharing me." This has obviously been quite devastating for all of us. I and C still talk as if nothing ever happened, but my relationship with her is in complete limbo. We want to be with each other, but for her, only if I’m not with anyone else. I cannot get myself to stop talking to her.
It has been very messy. I am in a middle of a situation that I have no idea how to handle properly. I am in love with both of them and M having started being treated as “competition” and hostile over time, is quite horrible. This has been very unfair to her. And I don’t know if I’m meant to intervene in some way between the two of them or just let things be.
Do I blow up a happy life with a loving partner just to be with someone who I feel like I'm really in love with? Am I just infatuated and not thinking clearly?
Overall, feeling pretty lost. If anyone has any thoughts or advice or just compassion to share, I’d love that. I’m also hoping my therapist appointment next week will give me some more insights.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my messy story.
The community here is very nice.