New(ish) possible partner and children

[jones]

Hey everyone,

Since G and I broke up, he and J (his ex) have gotten close, much to my upset. More so, it's not me and him being together anymore. Tbh, she wants to be friends, but I can't, for many reasons. I don't want her in my life. I also don't want her in my children's life. But they are not just mine, they are G's too.

Tomorrow is an event I was going to go to alone. J will be there, along with a few of my burlesque friends. They are dancing, so I was going to watch them dance. I told G he couldn't come, because I was going to go, being they are my friends from my burlesque class. I wanted to go, but she sent G a sad face, saying she was nervous, and made it seem she wanted him there and not me. So now I am not going, he is.

The problem is, I am mad because she says she misses my children, my children, who in my eyes, she has no right to miss. She has called herself their mummy in the past (which is not okay). But they are G's children too. Am I wrong in not wanting this woman to have anything to do with my children?

 

[Marcus]

I wanted to go, but she sent him a sad face, saying she was nervous, and made it seem she wanted him there and not me. So now I am not going, he is.

So you were hoping to go to a show that J is in. You forbade G (your ex) from attending. She invited him anyway. He did not follow your order, and will attend anyway.
So because you have such strong irritation with both of them, you take an invitation to him as meaning that you can't go?
Why are you so insistent in going to a show which J is in... a person you despise?

I am mad because she says she misses my children... in my eyes she has no right to miss [them]. She has called herself their mummy in the past. But they are G's children too. Am I wrong in not wanting this woman to have anything to do with my children?

What does this high school drama have to do with your kids? Is J dangerous? Does she get drunk and swing broken bottles at people? Is she going to kidnap your children? It must be something pretty extreme, since it sounds like she is currently in the life of their father, and thus very likely to be around them on a regular basis.

 

[GalaGirl]

It sounds like maybe you aren't ready to be appearing at same venues. Either sort it out between you ahead of time, or just do not go until you are more healed. It takes a while to find the "new normal" post break ups. It's only been 2 months.

I am mad because she says she misses my children, who in my eyes she has no right to miss. She called herself their mummy in the past... But being G's children too. I am wrong in not wanting this woman to have anything to do with my children?

Those are two different things to me.

She misses your kids? Great.
She can feel whatever she wants-- lonely, missing the kids being around, happy, sad. You don't tell her what to feel. She doesn't tell you what you feel.

But you also don't have to be listening to whatever she feels. She can go ahead and feel whatever. Knock herself out. But you don't have to listen to it. You and she broke up. Who is giving you this unwanted report on her feelings?


That's something else. To me, it is, "I don't want her around my kids." It's not wrong or right. It's just is what you feel right now. So feel that right now and be ok with it. For the time being, that's something you work out with your co-parent, per your agreements. You could ask if G will honor that limit for the time being -- when he has the children, to not have them around J. You realize they are dating and it can't be forever separate. But consider giving you a buffer time to adjust. Would G be willing to do that?

The stuff about going to a burlesque where your exes G and J are also present is a third thing. It is compounded by having kids with G and not having solved the previous thing yet. You haven't solved the family shape, so the new social/friend circle shape is just one more thing to deal with.

Hang in there. You don't have to solve every layer at once. Again, it's just been 2 months. There are going to be ripples felt for a while.

 

[BoringGuy]

So she misses your children. Boo-hoo. Sniff. #biggirlpanties #bedmadelie

The real question is, are your kids asking to see her?

 

[jones]

So you were hoping to go to a show that J is in. You forbade her boyfriend (your ex) from attending. She invited him anyway, he did not follow your order, and he will attend anyway. So because you have such strong irritation with both of them you take an invitation to him as meaning that you can't go? Why are you so insistent in going to a show which J is in... a person you despise?

J isn't the only person who will be there, my other friends will be there too and they aren't his friends and its my hobby my love why shouldn't I go just because he wants to just to see her, he doesn't care about seeing the girls dance but I do. I can't go because I would have to take my children and I don't want her seeing them.

What does this high school drama have to do with your kids? Is J dangerous? She gets drunk and swing broken bottles at people? She's going to kidnap your children? It must be something pretty extreme, since it sounds like she is currently in the life of their father and thus very likely to be around them on a regular basis.

No, she is nothing like that. But just imagine this:

J comes into our lives, things go ok. Then she starts calling herself Mummy Jen, answering when the children ask me something. The kids once asked for Mummy Jen because I couldn't take them to the park, and of course perfect Mummy Jen would. If she sees my children without me, this is what she will do. And I don't want that. It isn't high school drama, like you say.

I don't want her around my children right now. Maybe in a year things might be different. I might feel different.

 

[london]

If your children love this woman, have an attachment to her and their dad is with her, you need to learn to forgive and forget, get your jealousy in check and do right by the kids. That involves allowing them as much love as possible from people who love them, not using them as possessions and weapons. That's not being a good parent. Your romantic relationship is over. Accept it. Now work on being co-parents without that overshadowing and tainting your decisions.

 

[jones]

It sounds like maybe you aren't ready to be appearing at same venues? Either sort it out between you ahead of time or just do not go until you are more healed. It takes a while to find the "new normal" post break ups. It's only been 2 months.

I don't know if I will ever heal from this. G and I were happy. Then he met J. They were deep in NRE, ignored my feelings, did whatever they wanted. Then one night G and I talked because J and B broke up and G saw it as a chance to date J now. I said I might be happy with it in time, but he couldn't go on a 'maybe,' so he broke up with me. Do you blame me for hating her? All he has done is say how perfect she is and how I am not perfect.

She misses your kids? Great. Feel whatever she wants.

You don't have to be listening to whatever she feels... You and she broke up. Who is giving you this unwanted report on her feelings?

Gaz is telling me this. I haven't asked, nor do I care.

To me that is "I don't want her around my kids." It's not wrong or right -- it just is what you feel right now. So could feel that right now and be ok with it. For the time being that's something you work out with you co-parent and whatever you co-parenting agreements. Could ask if G will honor that limit for the time being -- when he has the children not to have them around J. You realize they are dating and it can't be forever separate, but consider giving you a buffer time to adjust? Would G be willing to do that?

I know this, but right now I don't want her to see my children. As you said, it has only been two months. They are going fast. I am going slow, but they are pushing me.

The stuff about going to a burlesque where your ex G and your ex J are present at also... is compounded by having kids with G and not solving the previous thing yet. You haven't solved the family shape, so the new social/friend circle shape is just one more thing to deal with.

...There are going to be ripples felt for a while.

I know it's going to take a while, but they are not giving me the time I need.

 

[jones]

So she misses your children. Boo-hoo. Sniff. #biggirlpanties #bedmadelie

The real question is, are your kids asking to see her?

No, they are not asking to see her. They don't talk about her anymore. Why should I bring her back in, when she may just go again, and they will cry all the time for her again?

 

[london]

Nor would I. Your feelings have nothing to do with what's best for your kids. They aren't your possessions.

 

[jones]

Nor would I. Your feelings have nothing to do with what's best for your kids. They aren't your possessions.

I am trying to do what is best for my children. Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you haven't had someone new come in and try to play mummy or daddy with your children.

She did all that, and they wanted her more, just like G does. He wants her more than he wants me and it fucking hurts. They are not possessions, but they are my children. Don't I get a right to say who they see or don't see?

 

[london]

I am trying to do what is best for my children, maybe you don't understand, maybe you haven't had someone new come in and try to play mummy or daddy with your children.

she did all that and they wanted her more just like g does, wants her more than he wants me and it fucking hurts, they are not possessions but they are my children, don't I get a right to say who they see or don't see?

First, yes, I have a son. Yes, I'm split from his dad. Yes, my son had had a step mother. No, even if she told him to call her Mum, she would never replace me. My son loves me. I'm his Mum. Nobody can take away what we have. He can, however, greatly benefit from other people loving him also. Other people playing a caring role in his life-- extra people, not replacements for what he has.

You've highlighted here that your insecurity about being replaced by her is leading your decision here. Your bitterness. Your jealousy. Yes, you can forbid your kids from seeing her while you get a handle on your negative emotions, but just acknowledge that despite how your kids feel about being kept away from her, even if it harms them, you're willing to do that for yourself because your emotions are your priority right now. Not theirs, yours.

 

[jones]

I have a son... split from his dad... my son had had a step mother... even if she told him to call her mum, she would never replace me. My son loves me. Nobody can take away what we have. He can, however, greatly benefit from other people loving him also.
You've highlighted here that your insecurity about being replaced by her is leading your decision here. Your bitterness. Your jealousy. Yes, you can forbid your kids from seeing her while you get a handle on your negative emotions but just acknowledge that despite how your kids feel about being kept away from her, even if it harms them, you're willing to do that for yourself because your emotions are your priority right now. Not theirs, yours.

Did this happen right away, or was it a certain time between breaking up and your son having a step-mum?

I am just not ready now, but I am being made to feel childish because I am not ready.

If they asked me or G to see her, then it would be different. But they aren't asking that. So I am denying them nothing. I just need time to adjust to all this mess.

 

[london]

I really wish I could wave a magic wand and put you in my head so you could see how I think. It's very hard to explain how I compartmentalise my emotions without sounding like I don't fully understand the enormity of a situation, or I'm altogether inhuman. Neither are true. Its just that is very logical to me where I need to focus any given emotion and not let them affect my judgement in other areas. Or, when there is an influence, I can feel/see it and try to stop it happening.

Basically, and I hope my rambling first paragraph helps soften this: you need to achieve stability for your kids. If the future is going to involve this woman in their lives, you have to start setting up that template for them. I understand that the bulk of instability may have been caused by dishonest and/or broken agreements and boundaries by her, and perhaps him, but it's your job to recreate that stability. She can never replace you, but she can creep your kids out by trying to. Let them make their own decisions about her intentions. You just make sure you do everything you can do in the best interests of your children. That way, if/when the shit his the fan, you've always done the right thing, despite the fact you have more than enough justification for being vindictive.

 

[Dagferi]

Would you prefer that your ex's SO hate your children?

Why not just sit down with her and lay down some reasonable rules, like no calling her Mummy?

There is no harm in children being cared for by as many people as possible.

 

[Marcus]

Not that it is likely to have any impact now, but when I said high-school drama, I was talking about the dramatic quibbling over who gets invited to the burlesque show, though you and I might have different standards for what to expect from adult interaction.

J comes into our lives, things go ok, and then she starts calling herself Mummy Jen, answering when the children ask me something. And the kids once asked for Mummy Jen because I couldn't take them to the park, and of course perfect Mummy Jen would. If she sees my children without me, this is what she will do, and I don't want that.

So you would deny your children access to someone who would add value to their lives simply because your pride might take a swipe?

As someone mentioned previously, is it possible to actually speak to these other adults about this? If that is possible, I would recommend that route, instead of using your kids as body armor for your insecurities.

 

[Dirtclustit]

Hopefully you can find a way to approach her...

and hopefully she isn't the type of person who enjoys using power or control to her advantage, or to torment you just because she can. When it comes to kids, though, most people are pretty understanding.

So if she is a decent person, take a deep breath and talk to her about it. If you approach her in an appropriate way, I hope she would be accommodating. Sometimes that means being vulnerable. But what do you think she would say if you told her that you aren't doing well with the situation, if you ask as opposed to demand, but let her know that there are things she could do that would make a world of difference in your life emotionally, at least until you are more comfortable?

I don't know your situation, but if you came to her with honesty and asked if she would be willing to do you this favor, she would have to be a fairly vindictive person to run the other way and rub your face in it.

You do have to be a little humble, but anybody who has children shouldn't have any problem understanding where you are coming from.

Maybe Auntie Jen would be better then Mummy.

 

[GalaGirl]

if they asked me or g to see her then it would be different but they aren't asking that so I am denying them nothing, I just need time to adjust to all this mess.

It sounds like the kids don't care if Jen is around or not. So the kids are fine and not experiencing upheavals too much.

G is telling me this. I haven't asked nor do I care.

I know it's going to take a while, but they are not giving me the time I need.

It sounds like you could tell G to stop updating you about whatever Jen has going on. He can deal with his current GF. To you, she is an ex.

But given that he wasn't especially respectful of your limits before on telling you TMI things about him and J, he's probably still in that bad habit. You could ask him to stop it. But if he's still the same, maybe you just stop talking to him for a while. Hang up the phone if he brings her up. You give yourself the space you need. Stop being around them more than is needed for co-parenting things. Are you cohabitating, or is someone moving out?

I don't want her around my children right now. Maybe in a year things might be different. I might feel different.

It sounds like you aren't unwilling to adjust to J being present in your lives as G's GF, and another adult figure in the children's lives in time, but 2 months since breaking up with G is just too fresh and too fast for you to be instantly at "happy blended family."

It's just not reasonable to expect instant change like that. You are needing more time to adjust. They seem to want to already be at the "all is well" place, without spending time in the transition, or acknowledging there could be a transitional space to navigate first.

For them, it's probably easier to be there because they have their NRE pink fluffy lala clouds to sustain that/mitigate the breakup feelings. You don't have that. You are grieving a double loss (the break up with J, the break up with G), and now having to adjust.

I don't know if this picture helps you at 2 months -- but maybe looking at it would. It's not set in stone, but as a rough guide, it might give you hope that 3, 4, 5, 6 months out, you will feel better.

Do your self care, minimize stress/exposure, and hang in there. Feel whatever it is you need to feel, but do not process with G or Jen. Get a counselor for extra support, or talk to good friends or family.

It's probably hard to trust either of them right now in general.

 

[jones]

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[jones]

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[jones]

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