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1234Iwantmore

New member
Why am I being a dick?

Okay, long story short. I’ve been married 18 years.
I’ve not been great. I’ve always been in to open relationship. I’ve cheated...
My wife has stayed with me. Twice now. She truly believes I just like sex, and that I’m not really interested in another relationship. All true. I also believe she has lower self esteem and makes her stay too. (Hate saying that).

I have an old friend that one thing lead to another and with my wife’s blessing (and my encouragement too) we’ve had sex on average once a few months for a few years now.

I’ve encouraged my wife to do the same. We’ve had a couple 3 somes but nothing major.

I’ve encouraged her to go with a couple guys and finally she did. Not attracted to him but liked the attention and finally did have sex with him. She’s done it a few times. All saying meh. But okay. I get a tad jelous, but he’s no threat.

About 3 years ago we met a couple and my wife had a 3 some with them, but she didn’t want sex, just the girl.
That couple split up. They are about 7 years younger than us.
The guy has been flirting with my wife and with my blessing, I said go for it.

Last Friday they met up while I stayed home. She was gone almost 4 hours, and while I waited, didn’t text or tried not to worry. Then my wife texted me. Said she was out having a drink with a friend. I expressed anger for being gone so long, fear it was more than sex. Then she came clean and said the having a drink was a lie. Said she new id be upset she was gone so long, but lost track of time because it was so much fun.

He’s a great looking, fit, single dude. She’s attracted to him. She wants to go back. I’m being jealous and bitchy and she just throws stuff I’ve done back at me. But in the mean time tells me to trust her. As I should. They chat a lot. And have since Friday.

Why does this one bother me? I fear with her tendency to have lower self esteem, this guy says all the right things. He’s single, has nothing to lose. Fear she could get wrapped up quick.
But at the same time, I enjoy it on my end and prevent it from being wrapped up. She’s also married.

My wife loved it. Wants to go back. I’m being a dick about it. Yeah she lied, apologized and was fearful I’d be mad. But said it took a while to get over awkwardness of first time. I can understand that too.

Why am I being a dick? It turns me on most of the time, but then it’s stuck in my head too.
Advice.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello 1234Iwantmore,

It sounds like you are having some struggles with jealousy. You should explore that emotion, try to dig down to the bottom of it to find out what's causing it. Is it fear? Is there something you're afraid of? Is it hurt? Are you being treated badly? Do you have a need that is not being met? Do you just not like sharing your wife? These and other questions are the kinds of things you could explore. When you understand your jealousy, you will know what to do about it.

Keep us posted as your situation evolves. This will help us be able to give you more/updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

1234Iwantmore

New member
She always wanted women to play with. But I pushed a man on her. Now another. Now she wants this man.

I’m afraid she will be suckered in. I’m afraid she will get close, and will be tough to break off or does indeed leave, which I deserve it. I’m afraid if I say I can’t handle it, then it’s a double standard. I’m afraid if I continue to be a dick, she’s now got something else that I’ll push her too. She’s already been hiding messages and lied on the first outing. But I really can’t say much since I have before.

I have none of this fear in my other girl. Neither of us want a relationship.

She’s even hiding it from other poly friends. I should trust her. Not sure why I’m so afraid.
 
I'm brand new to the subject but just my 2 cents it sounds like you're just jealous that your wife is spending time alone with someone else and then talking a lot / constantly. I know that would bother me based on my recent personal experience at this point in my life. I hope someone can help you. I know you've had sexual relations while married but was it like this? Did you have sex and talk a lot after and maintain a relationship with these girls? The constant continued contact is what is bothering me in my situation, maybe that's how she felt? Do you feel like she has any resentment toward you or do you 100% trust her? Jealousy / envy is really taking a hold of my emotions as I am convincing myself I'm inadequate but thats what I'm working on. I cant speak for the people who actually give advise here but thats just my current experience as a person in a new poly relationship.
 

1234Iwantmore

New member
Hello 1234Iwantmore,

It sounds like you are having some struggles with jealousy. You should explore that emotion, try to dig down to the bottom of it to find out what's causing it. Is it fear? Is there something you're afraid of? Is it hurt? Are you being treated badly? Do you have a need that is not being met? Do you just not like sharing your wife? These and other questions are the kinds of things you could explore. When you understand your jealousy, you will know what to do about it.

Keep us posted as your situation evolves. This will help us be able to give you more/updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I’m afraid she will get wrapped up in something. He single, may want a relationship. She may end up liking the attention. I’m not treated badly at all or lacking any needs. But anything she does whether it’s falling for or just not telling me...she says “well you did it”. So I fear the hammer finally falling.
I want her to have fun. But yeah, my jealousy is she found someone she has a crush on and I fear where it might lead.

My other relationship has no fear of this.

So even after all these years, how do I trust that? She’s really done nothing to break the trust except the silly lie the first night. But at the same time I would have no idea what she’s hiding. If she was.

Arg. I want this to be fine.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
OK, I am going to pick and choose my quotes here to respond, please let me know if this causes me to take anything out of context

I’ve not been great. I’ve always been in to open relationship. I’ve cheated...

To me? "Open relationships" would mean that both people in the relationship agree that it is, in fact, "open". If not - then it seems that this is just a case of cheating by someone who has always been "into" having sex-capades (regardless of whether their partner was on-board or not).

My wife has stayed with me. Twice now.

Meaning that you have cheated twice? Or that she has found out about it twice? (Just curious.)

She truly believes I just like sex, and that I’m not really interested in another relationship. All true.

So, for you, these cheating affairs are about sex only, and your wife understands and believes this.

I also believe she has lower self esteem and makes her stay too. (Hate saying that).

It is good that you recognize this. I think the reason that you "hate saying that" is that you realize that she does not feel that she has the free agency to deny you anything for fear that you will leave. So her "consent" to anything feels coerced because she doesn't feel that she has a choice.

You do not mention, but I ask, is she financially dependent on you as well? Do you have children together that she feels would suffer if you broke up?

I have an old friend that one thing lead to another and with my wife’s blessing (and my encouragement too) we’ve had sex on average once a few months for a few years now.

Was the "encouragement" directed at your wife, or your old friend? Again, I ask - how much agency did your wife actually have to say "NO"?

I’ve encouraged my wife to do the same. We’ve had a couple 3 somes but nothing major.

By "do the same" do you mean that you have encouraged your wife to have "sex-only" adventures? Without you? And were the three-somes at your suggestion or hers?

I’ve encouraged her to go with a couple guys and finally she did. Not attracted to him but liked the attention and finally did have sex with him. She’s done it a few times. All saying meh.

So, she goes and has sex with another guy - that she is not attracted to, for the attention?, because she lacks self-esteem? Because she thinks you want her too (so you don't have to feel guilty?)?

The question that I think you could be asking yourself at this point is: Why is she having sex with a guy that she is not attracted to? To prove that she can? (To you? To her?) To make you jealous so you know how she feels?

But okay. I get a tad jelous, but he’s no threat.

Jealous of what? That someone else is getting sex with her? (You don't mention the health of your marital sex life - are you having sex with each other?) No threat to WHAT exactly? Threat to your marriage?


About 3 years ago we met a couple and my wife had a 3 some with them, but she didn’t want sex, just the girl.

I don't understand what this means exactly. Your wife had a 3-some with another couple (without you). But, because she did not penetrative sex with the male partner it wasn't "really" sex? (i.e. do you feel that women can't have sex with each other, or that a woman can't have sex with a man unless she is penetrated by a penis?)

That couple split up. They are about 7 years younger than us. The guy has been flirting with my wife and with my blessing, I said go for it.

Last Friday they met up while I stayed home. She was gone almost 4 hours, and while I waited, didn’t text or tried not to worry. Then my wife texted me. Said she was out having a drink with a friend. I expressed anger for being gone so long, fear it was more than sex. Then she came clean and said the having a drink was a lie. Said she new id be upset she was gone so long, but lost track of time because it was so much fun.

He’s a great looking, fit, single dude. She’s attracted to him. She wants to go back. I’m being jealous and bitchy and she just throws stuff I’ve done back at me. But in the mean time tells me to trust her. As I should. They chat a lot. And have since Friday.

OK, so she goes out with a guy that she previously had a (non-penetrative) 3-some with in the past, with your encouragement. And because she had a good time, this is somehow a bad thing?

Yes, she lost track of time and maybe should have called/txt'd so that you didn't worry. (Have you two discussed rules/boundaries about this sort of thing?) If she was out with a platonic friend would you have gotten so wigged out?

My wife loved it. Wants to go back. I’m being a dick about it. Yeah she lied, apologized and was fearful I’d be mad. But said it took a while to get over awkwardness of first time. I can understand that too.

Why am I being a dick? It turns me on most of the time, but then it’s stuck in my head too.
Advice.


Why does this one bother me? I fear with her tendency to have lower self esteem, this guy says all the right things. He’s single, has nothing to lose. Fear she could get wrapped up quick.

This is going to sound mean BUT it sounds like you understand that she is vulnerable (due to her low self esteem) and that he might be better at manipulating her than you are.

What IF he says all the right things because he means them? (NOT saying he is!) You say he has "nothing to lose" because he is (now) single, meaning what? Like, if he were married and cheating on his wife then you would have more control over the situation because you could threaten to "out" him? (I SAID this was going to sound mean!)


But at the same time, I enjoy it on my end and prevent it from being wrapped up. She’s also married.

I am interpreting this to mean that your "old friend" partner is married. So, you don't want to be a hypocrite - but your thing is less of a threat than her thing because your "side" partner is married and hers isn't?

I’m afraid she will get wrapped up in something. He single, may want a relationship. She may end up liking the attention.

At this point, I have to point out that you have posted on a forum dedicated to polyamory so "may want a relationship" is actually part of the POINT of poly. If you want advise about how to be "open" without feelings - you may have come to the wrong place.

So, she becomes "wrapped up in something"? Why is THAT a bad thing? Some people can't be sexually attracted to another person unless there is something else in the mix (like feelings - Google "demi-sexual" if you don't know what I mean.)

It is a rather "Common Knowledge" type thing here that some people have the tendency to develop feelings for people that they have sex with on a regular basis. (FTR - I am not one of those people, for me, sex is sex and feeling are feelings and sometimes they overlap and sometimes they don't.)

Also, some people are more affected by "sexual" infidelity and others by "emotional" infidelity.

I’m not treated badly at all or lacking any needs. But anything she does whether it’s falling for or just not telling me...she says “well you did it”. So I fear the hammer finally falling.
I want her to have fun. But yeah, my jealousy is she found someone she has a crush on and I fear where it might lead.

Your fear of where "it might lead" I think is the important thing that you need to address (for yourself, not for us). Worst case scenario: she falls in love with this guy. Why is that a problem? Do you think she will no longer want to be in a relationship with you if she is in a relationship with him?

My other relationship has no fear of this.
THIS = FEELINGS? So you are absolutely convinced that your outside partner cannot develop feelings for you? (PS. I speak from the "no feelings" side of the equation - but have found that lots of people that SAY that they are up for NSA sex, actually are NOT.)

So even after all these years, how do I trust that? She’s really done nothing to break the trust except the silly lie the first night. But at the same time I would have no idea what she’s hiding. If she was.

Arg. I want this to be fine.

If you "want this to be fine" then I think that you need to do a lot more soul-searching and research. From MY perspective? Your wife is, just now, exploring what "open" (which you have already been doing) would look like for her. She might not get it 100% right on the first try, but as the "cheater" in this scenario I think that you need to give her a.) the benefit of the doubt and b.) the opportunity to explore what she wants (at least as much as YOU have).

PS. Mean again - you cheated. Period. What amends have you made? Seriously, you get zero free passes if you are uncomfortable with how she conducts herself in situations that you encouraged her to pursue.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. Jane's already laid out good questions for you to think about. I'll just add this. I could be wrong in my impression but are you basically saying something like this? I quote just to visually block it off:

I cheated on my wife in the past. Now we are trying to do Open relationships more forthrightly on both sides.

I am seeing a married woman on my side, and enjoy the sex share without it being more than that -- just sex share, no strings.

Wife is seeing a single guy. (He and his ex-wife did a threesome with my wife years ago but they split up so now he's single.) With my blessing, I told wife to see him... thinking it would be about just sex again like when they did threesomes. Now that she wants to keep on seeing him and it's looking like an actual relationship developing. I feel upset, jealous, bitchy, etc.

She tells me to trust her, and I should because she's done nothing wrong other than a silly lie the first night when her date ran long.

I don't trust him. I am worried that he's gonna smooth talk her into stuff and because she has low self esteem, she will buy into that.

I'm also scared that this really will become a "real relationship" polyamorous thing for her on her side and not just "sex buddies." I am ok sharing her attention with other people who are sex buddies. I am not as ok sharing her attention with other people if its more than sex.

So I want someone to talk to about these feelings. In fact, I want to talk to HER about it because she's my go to person.

I want to ask her for help/support in managing my upset feelings, but she is not willing to do that work with me.

She brings up times where I didn't offer her any help/support dealing with her feelings when I was off cheating and other poor behavior from those days.

Is that it?

If so, you and wife need to do some work together to heal from the cheating fully. Because remnants of it are overshadowing this new thing.

Have you done your side of that healing work? What amends did you do?

And assuming you have done them all, has she done her side of that work and actually forgiven and agreed to start from a fresh slate?

What exactly is so horrible about her having an actual relationship with the guy? You and wife don't have to do the same kind of Open on both sides. If yours is about (sex share only) and hers is about (love share AND sex share?) What of it?

Do you need reassuring that if he turns out to be an asshole, she will dump him and not keep sticking around with him? That the low self esteem thing isn't going to lead to her making bad choices?

But then if her self esteem gets too good, she might decide she's done with you because of the cheating past that she still has a chip on her shoulder about? Is that the threat? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Dagferi

Well-known member
Others covered any questions I had....

I only wanted to add. This is a message board about polyamory. Meaning we believe in loving relationships with more than one partner not NSA sex.

Not that NSA sex is wrong. Just not what this place is about.
 

1234Iwantmore

New member
Okay. Not sure where else to ask.

No, I’m in hopes she doesn’t fall in love with another man, I just want to cope better with her having fun.

I’ve just been bad in our marriage at times, and I’m waiting for that moment she gets me back and fear when it gets too involved it will be a “well, you have” and we go down a bad road.

But I also need to suck it up and trust her, and deal with any issues if they even arrive. Her being so defensive caught me off guard.

Thanks all.
 

lunabunny

New member
I’ve not been great. I’ve always been in to open relationship. I’ve cheated...My wife has stayed with me. Twice now.

I also believe she has lower self esteem and makes her stay too. (Hate saying that).

I’ve encouraged her to go with a couple guys and finally she did. Not attracted to him but liked the attention and finally did have sex with him.

About 3 years ago we met a couple...That couple split up. The guy has been flirting with my wife and with my blessing, I said go for it.

He’s a great looking, fit, single dude. She’s attracted to him. She wants to go back. I’m being jealous and bitchy and she just throws stuff I’ve done back at me. But in the mean time tells me to trust her. As I should.

She always wanted women to play with. But I pushed a man on her. Now another. Now she wants this man.

I’m afraid she will be suckered in. I’m afraid she will get close, and will be tough to break off or does indeed leave, which I deserve it. I’m afraid if I say I can’t handle it, then it’s a double standard. I’m afraid if I continue to be a dick, she’s now got something else that I’ll push her too. She’s already been hiding messages and lied on the first outing. But I really can’t say much since I have before.

I fear with her tendency to have lower self esteem, this guy says all the right things.

But anything she does whether it’s falling for or just not telling me...she says “well you did it”. So I fear the hammer finally falling.
So even after all these years, how do I trust that? She’s really done nothing to break the trust except the silly lie the first night. But at the same time I would have no idea what she’s hiding. If she was.

Why does this one bother me?

Why am I being a dick? It turns me on most of the time, but then it’s stuck in my head too.


Honestly?

It sounds like a bunch of "projection" to me. The doubts you're casting on your wife's honesty... your fear that she may be hiding things from you, such as developing "real" feelings for this new guy (not just the odd white lie or text message)... the fear of the hammer finally falling...

...could this all be because YOU have cheated in the past, and she has stuck with you (because of love, loyalty, low self esteem or a mixture of these), so that the guilt you felt as a "cheater" is manifesting in fear/jealousy/insecurity on your part now that the shoe is on the other foot somewhat and your wife is growing closer to this other man for reasons other than just sharing sex?

Do you fear she will prefer a man who seems to love and treat her well (even if you don't trust his intentions), and she'll get "suckered in" by sweet words... the way you may have behaved in the past with other women during your cheating phase, and with your wife when you convinced her to forgive you and stay, despite this?

Do you fear she wants to be with him out of some subconscious desire to "get back at you"?

Or is your greater fear that she will develop real, true, deep feelings for this man that override any love and loyalty she currently feels for YOU, that might eventually compel her to leave you FOR him (while as before, she didn't have any true interest in other males, so did not have a "good enough" reason to leave you?)

********************

I think you may be realising you've got more than you bargained for when you "encouraged" (pressured?) your wife to have sex with other men.

Did you encourage her to do this mainly for your own pleasure? (You indicated it turns you on to know she's been with others sexually.) Because your wife is a real human being, with feelings that cannot easily be switched on and off at the will and whim of others.

Note: Your wife's body, sexuality and relationships (both inside the marriage and outside of it) do not exist for your pleasure alone, and cannot be controlled by you... so that when you say "sleep with that guy - it turns me on", yet she's not especially interested but does it to please you or get you off her back... well, that has consequences.

Or, on some level, did you encourage her to get with other men in order to assuage your own guilt for cheating in the past and/or for wanting other women purely for sex?

You have to realise that, just because YOU may see sex with others outside your marriage as purely a physical "release" or enjoyable "extra-curricula activity... your WIFE may be made of different stuff, as many women (and indeed many men) are, in that they do not so easily separate sex from feelings/love.

Now that she has finally met/slept with a man SHE truly desires, the door is open to the possibility of actual feelings of love developing between them, if it hasn't already. Maybe it's only NOW you understand what you potentially stand to lose, which is the cause of your current jealousy (in actual fact, insecurity).

********************

You have to own your part in this - as I think you do, to some extent - and realise that your wife may decide she wants to live a truly "polyamorous" lifestyle - i.e. stay married to you AND have a relationship with this other man?

If so, you have some work to do in order to process this turn of events, and figure out if you can be okay with her having another *relationship* that does not revolve around the occasional brief hookup. It seems obvious she wants to spend TIME with this other man; to TALK to him, hang out, text, date.

There should be no real reason you cannot accommodate her in this, as she has accommodated your need to have sex with multiple other women during the course of your marriage. I won't claim it will be easy - your feelings matter too, even if you haven't already been a "great" husband. You two will need to sit down and discuss this honestly.

In the meantime, if you know you're being a "dick", try to curb that behaviour. It will not endear you to her, and allegations of hypocrisy can and probably will be thrown in your face if you persist. In particular, TRY not to bad-mouth the other guy, or come up with reasons to distrust him, or try to convince your wife he doesn't truly like/love her - that would be spiteful and manipulative, since you have no actual proof he is untrustworthy. Unfounded accusations will get you nowhere fast.

Some degree of jealousy is normal in the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up over that - just try to work through it as best you can - WHILE actively communicating with your wife about where she sees this other relationship heading. If you're going to encourage her to do anything, encourage her to be open and honest with you about it. That way leads to increased trust. If she feels truly loved and appreciated by you for herself, she will be less inclined to hide her other activities.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
No, I’m in hopes she doesn’t fall in love with another man, I just want to cope better with her having fun

That sounds like you don't want her to fall in love with Guy. You just want Guy to be her sex buddy. And you want to better cope with him being her sex buddy.

I'm not sure I'm hearing that you want to learn to cope with things if it turns out that on her side she wants to practice polyamory with Guy.

I’ve just been bad in our marriage at times, and I’m waiting for that moment she gets me back and fear when it gets too involved it will be a “well, you have” and we go down a bad road.

Do you think a healthy marriage spends time "getting each other back" for stuff? Plays tit for tat? If you guys interacted this way in the past or even now... it is possible to decide to behave in different ways toward each other moving forward.

If things go down a bad road, it is possible for you to say

"No, thank you. I don't want to go down this bad road. We need to talk and work things out. And if you are still determined to do that, then I have to bow out of all this. We have to talk about parting ways."​

If she brings up the cheating past to shut down conversation about TODAY'S bad road? It is possible to say

"No. I know I behaved poorly in the past and it was wrong. That doesn't make it ok for you to behave poorly NOW. Please stick to the topic at hand. What are you planning to do about today's bad road? Work something out or continue down that path?"​

Cheating is a bad thing to do. But even when people do other kinds of bad things and get jail sentences? They serve the time. They pay their debt to society. And then they get out of jail and try to move it forward, hopefully living and behaving in a better way and no longer up to shenanigans. Making better choices.

When they get out and are past that bad time in their lives? They don't have to choose to go hang out with people who are doing bad behaviors today. They can pick their company with more care.

You sound like you think you are "doomed" to put up with poor behavior from wife (if she does them) and you should expect no better because in the past you behaved badly.

When you DO NOT have to put up with poor behaviors from wife and you COULD expect more from your present life and moving forward. That's why I think you guys are not fully healed from the past cheating. It overshadows a lot of things today.

Like when you burn toast. You can throw the yucky toast away, but the smell lingers for a while. You have to do other things to help clear that smell out -- open a window, run a fan, etc. You sound like you threw the toast out and stopped the cheating. But the smell is still lingering. I'm not sure what you guys have done to heal from the cheating to clear the air and start from fresh.

If you use the past cheating to beat yourself up with and she uses it to GRR at you or shut down conversations about other things? That's not healthy relating.

But I also need to suck it up and trust her, and deal with any issues if they even arrive. Her being so defensive caught me off guard.

Sounds like she still has healing to do too.

And... if you WERE asking for her help with your feelings/processing when she was left kinda stranded to process her emotions alone during the cheating time she might still be prickly around that.

If it turns out that the way you two do "Open" is that on your side it is casual sex and her on side it is polyamory, that is ok. You guys don't have to be exactly the same. Is that what you need help coming to terms with?

Galagirl
 
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1234Iwantmore

New member
Honestly?

It sounds like a bunch of "projection" to me. The doubts you're casting on your wife's honesty... your fear that she may be hiding things from you, such as developing "real" feelings for this new guy (not just the odd white lie or text message)... the fear of the hammer finally falling...

...could this all be because YOU have cheated in the past, and she has stuck with you (because of love, loyalty, low self esteem or a mixture of these), so that the guilt you felt as a "cheater" is manifesting in fear/jealousy/insecurity on your part now that the shoe is on the other foot somewhat and your wife is growing closer to this other man for reasons other than just sharing sex?

Do you fear she will prefer a man who seems to love and treat her well (even if you don't trust his intentions), and she'll get "suckered in" by sweet words... the way you may have behaved in the past with other women during your cheating phase, and with your wife when you convinced her to forgive you and stay, despite this?

Do you fear she wants to be with him out of some subconscious desire to "get back at you"?

Or is your greater fear that she will develop real, true, deep feelings for this man that override any love and loyalty she currently feels for YOU, that might eventually compel her to leave you FOR him (while as before, she didn't have any true interest in other males, so did not have a "good enough" reason to leave you?)

Yes yes yes. (Except get back at me, I don’t see that. I can see it used as justification if things do blossom). I did all this. And regret it. Now once she gets the hang of it, I fear all this. But need to get over it. And worst case, if something bad happens to our relationship, hell I deserve it.

********************

I think you may be realising you've got more than you bargained for when you "encouraged" (pressured?) your wife to have sex with other men.

No kidding.

Did you encourage her to do this mainly for your own pleasure? (You indicated it turns you on to know she's been with others sexually.) Because your wife is a real human being, with feelings that cannot easily be switched on and off at the will and whim of others.

I encouraged because I was and she felt bad she couldn’t find a woman to play with, so I pushed guys on her.

Note: Your wife's body, sexuality and relationships (both inside the marriage and outside of it) do not exist for your pleasure alone, and cannot be controlled by you... so that when you say "sleep with that guy - it turns me on", yet she's not especially interested but does it to please you or get you off her back... well, that has consequences.

Or, on some level, did you encourage her to get with other men in order to assuage your own guilt for cheating in the past and/or for wanting other women purely for sex?

This is possible. I feel guilty I get to, she doesn’t.

You have to realise that, just because YOU may see sex with others outside your marriage as purely a physical "release" or enjoyable "extra-curricula activity... your WIFE may be made of different stuff, as many women (and indeed many men) are, in that they do not so easily separate sex from feelings/love.

Now that she has finally met/slept with a man SHE truly desires, the door is open to the possibility of actual feelings of love developing between them, if it hasn't already. Maybe it's only NOW you understand what you potentially stand to lose, which is the cause of your current jealousy (in actual fact, insecurity).

Yep

********************

You have to own your part in this - as I think you do, to some extent - and realise that your wife may decide she wants to live a truly "polyamorous" lifestyle - i.e. stay married to you AND have a relationship with this other man?

If so, you have some work to do in order to process this turn of events, and figure out if you can be okay with her having another *relationship* that does not revolve around the occasional brief hookup. It seems obvious she wants to spend TIME with this other man; to TALK to him, hang out, text, date.

There should be no real reason you cannot accommodate her in this, as she has accommodated your need to have sex with multiple other women during the course of your marriage. I won't claim it will be easy - your feelings matter too, even if you haven't already been a "great" husband. You two will need to sit down and discuss this honestly.

In the meantime, if you know you're being a "dick", try to curb that behaviour. It will not endear you to her, and allegations of hypocrisy can and probably will be thrown in your face if you persist. In particular, TRY not to bad-mouth the other guy, or come up with reasons to distrust him, or try to convince your wife he doesn't truly like/love her - that would be spiteful and manipulative, since you have no actual proof he is untrustworthy. Unfounded accusations will get you nowhere fast.

Some degree of jealousy is normal in the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up over that - just try to work through it as best you can - WHILE actively communicating with your wife about where she sees this other relationship heading. If you're going to encourage her to do anything, encourage her to be open and honest with you about it. That way leads to increased trust. If she feels truly loved and appreciated by you for herself, she will be less inclined to hide her other activities.

Thank you. Great advice.
 

1234Iwantmore

New member
That sounds like you don't want her to fall in love with Guy. You just want Guy to be her sex buddy. And you want to better cope with him being her sex buddy.

I'm not sure I'm hearing that you want to learn to cope with things if it turns out that on her side she wants to practice polyamory with Guy.



Do you think a healthy marriage spends time "getting each other back" for stuff? Plays tit for tat? If you guys interacted this way in the past or even now... it is possible to decide to behave in different ways toward each other moving forward.

If things go down a bad road, it is possible for you to say

"No, thank you. I don't want to go down this bad road. We need to talk and work things out. And if you are still determined to do that, then I have to bow out of all this. We have to talk about parting ways."​

If she brings up the cheating past to shut down conversation about TODAY'S bad road? It is possible to say

"No. I know I behaved poorly in the past and it was wrong. That doesn't make it ok for you to behave poorly NOW. Please stick to the topic at hand. What are you planning to do about today's bad road? Work something out or continue down that path?"​

Cheating is a bad thing to do. But even when people do other kinds of bad things and get jail sentences? They serve the time. They pay their debt to society. And then they get out of jail and try to move it forward, hopefully living and behaving in a better way and no longer up to shenanigans. Making better choices.

When they get out and are past that bad time in their lives? They don't have to choose to go hang out with people who are doing bad behaviors today. They can pick their company with more care.

You sound like you think you are "doomed" to put up with poor behavior from wife (if she does them) and you should expect no better because in the past you behaved badly.

When you DO NOT have to put up with poor behaviors from wife and you COULD expect more from your present life and moving forward. That's why I think you guys are not fully healed from the past cheating. It overshadows a lot of things today.

Like when you burn toast. You can throw the yucky toast away, but the smell lingers for a while. You have to do other things to help clear that smell out -- open a window, run a fan, etc. You sound like you threw the toast out and stopped the cheating. But the smell is still lingering. I'm not sure what you guys have done to heal from the cheating to clear the air and start from fresh.

If you use the past cheating to beat yourself up with and she uses it to GRR at you or shut down conversations about other things? That's not healthy relating.



Sounds like she still has healing to do too.

And... if you WERE asking for her help with your feelings/processing when she was left kinda stranded to process her emotions alone during the cheating time she might still be prickly around that.

Galagirl

Thank you.
My cheating happened years ago. She says she’s over it. Loves me and has options to leave if she wanted to. I can believe that. But that she loves me, our child and has no desire to leave.

She found something she likes. This time, it’s a guy. I’m just being insecure.
And I also don’t want her to get hurt. And the things she likes, perhaps I should pick up my game and tell her.
Hell, she could have done this all along behind my back and doesn’t.

She assures me, it’s for fun and she’s willing to stop right now. But I don’t want to be a prick and ask her to do that.

Like I said, im just being insecure.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
She assures me, it’s for fun and she’s willing to stop right now. But I don’t want to be a prick and ask her to do that.

I assume she would not offer to do something that she is not actually willing to do. So... if she's offering to stop right now? TAKE THE OFFER.

She can pause the dating so you can be at peace and work some some stuff with wife. Then her next dating experience you can take a little easier. Maybe you need some connection with her before she goes on a date, and then reconnection when she comes back.

But I don’t want to be a prick and ask her to do that. Like I said, im just being insecure.

It's almost like you don't want to take the offer to slow down/pause so you can get your bearings because you want to prove you are Superman and not appear "weak" or admit to feeling vulnerable or something.

Is that it?

Galagirl
 
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Dagferi

Well-known member
Okay. Not sure where else to ask.

No, I’m in hopes she doesn’t fall in love with another man, I just want to cope better with her having fun.

I’ve just been bad in our marriage at times, and I’m waiting for that moment she gets me back and fear when it gets too involved it will be a “well, you have” and we go down a bad road.

But I also need to suck it up and trust her, and deal with any issues if they even arrive. Her being so defensive caught me off guard.

Thanks all.

https://www.swingersboard.com

You coould google swingers message boards.

The one I posted is active... You may get advice suited to the lifestyle you are looking to live.

Here the poly people have feelings or are open to feelings with more than one partner.
 

1234Iwantmore

New member
I assume she would not offer to do something that she is not actually willing to do. So... if she's offering to stop right now? TAKE THE OFFER.

She can pause the dating so you can be at peace and work some some stuff with wife. Then her next dating experience you can take a little easier. Maybe you need some connection with her before she goes on a date, and then reconnection when she comes back.



It's almost like you don't want to take the offer to slow down/pause so you can get your bearings because you want to prove you are Superman and not appear "weak" or admit to feeling vulnerable or something.

Is that it?

Galagirl

I may want to prove that, but it’s also a double standard. I have mine and it’s not fair to withhold her from similar experiences. I sometimes want to quit, but that’s on me. She’s catching up. I certainly can’t ask her to stop and I don’t.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I may want to prove that, but it’s also a double standard. I have mine and it’s not fair to withhold her from similar experiences. I sometimes want to quit, but that’s on me. She’s catching up. I certainly can’t ask her to stop and I don’t.

You CAN ask. She might say "yes" or "no" or whatever else. But the ASKING part you can do.

She also doesn't have to stop dating outside the marriage entirely. It can be stopping for a "pause" or a "time out" to attend to things at home before going out again. Like if her date was yesterday does she have to go out again TODAY? Or if it was last weekend, could she be willing to not go out this weekend? Pause so that you and her can reconnect first?

Maybe during these early months of her dating outside the marriage you need that sort of pause in between her dates so you have a chance to connect before she goes and reconnect after she comes back.

She might tell you "No, I don't want to do that. I want to go out every single night."

But you can ASK.

Galagirl
 

1234Iwantmore

New member
We discussed it. I asked. She said it would not be fair. That she finally has power, able to make choice for herself and likes it. Wants to continue and choose when to quit. That I’ve had mine for years, and I pushed her to do this. While she never wanted to be with another man in the first place, she now likes it since she met a man she likes, and thinks about.

I told her I’d quit, but she informed me, she wouldn’t as I had my fun, now it’s her turn.

I pushed her, she now likes it, doesn’t want to stop and I for some reason can’t handle it. I really screwed up.

I regret all this. But I deserve some of it.
 

endusal

New member
Your wife is having an experience that is good for her right now. Furthermore, she accepted and enabled you to have similar explorations for years. She is only now feeling ready to do the same for herself. Stopping her is selfish. Your fears are not her responsibility.

I understand that this is hard on you, but the reason has more to do with your own stance on the matter, your past, your thoughts about it all, and less to do with what your wife is actually doing.

I suggest you work more with yourself in dealing with your jealousy: trying to figure out what hurts you, why, examine your whole perspective, and focus less with negotiating and trying to control what your wife is doing. I recommended elsewhere these days the Jealousy Survival Guide. It's a good read, I found it very useful.
 
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