New Open Relationship

TamJ96

New member
Hi all!
last week I decided to open up my relationship with my fiancée. A year ago we had an argument and she mentioned it then and since it’s been playing on my mind. I found that when I was out, I would find myself looking at other people (not wanting sex with them) but feeling guilty about this. My partner is bisexual and has openly expressed that she misses sex with men and wants to have sex with them as she wants her cake and to eat it to (her words). I’ve found myself completely heartbroken over this. She’s talking to one guy constantly, even when were sat together - is this normal? We’ve set rules and she’s completely transparent as I asked but when she tells me things I feel my gut completely drop and I just want to cry all the time and tell her to stop but I also see how happy she is about this and how different she is. I can’t have sex without feelings and I’m struggling to understand how she can. It’s little things like knowing she’s going out and buying lingerie specifically for him (she said she needs it for herself to feel comfortable). I’m just scared that she’ll develop feelings for him and realise it’s actually a guy she wants to be with and not a girl and I’ll lose her.
She’s the love of my life and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. Does it get easier? How can I get over this feeling of dread and worry?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I would find myself looking at other people (not wanting sex with them) but feeling guilty about this.

Who taught you to feel guilty about this? Even in monogamous relationships, you can notice beauty in the world. You aren't dead. It also doesn't mean you are gonna jump people bones just because you think they are attractive.

My partner is bisexual and has openly expressed that she misses sex with men and wants to have sex with them as she wants her cake and to eat it to (her words). I’ve found myself completely heartbroken over this.

If being in an open relationship is not a "joyous yes" thing for you but a heartbreaking thing... why'd you consent to open? Rather than just say "No... I'm not into that" to her?

To me this is part of the work of being Engaged. Assessing DEEP compatibility. And if you have gotten to engagement and aren't being super honest with yourselves and each other by now... why not?

She’s talking to one guy constantly, even when were sat together - is this normal?

Were you on a date with her? Or just out and about and you didn't enjoy her flirting with people with you right there? Or she's NRE obsessed right now? Something else?

We’ve set rules and she’s completely transparent as I asked but when she tells me things I feel my gut completely drop and I just want to cry all the time and tell her to stop but I also see how happy she is about this and how different she is.

So tell her you changed your mind and only want to know about things when you ask for info, rather than all out transparent like a garden hose turned on all the time.

If this is not growing pains (since you open a week ago) but more you doing stuff you really don't want to be doing just to hang on to her and avoid a break up?

You may have to come to terms with that and become more honest with yourself.

And then stop doing stuff you don't really want to be doing. Because if it is gonna hurt either way? May as well be honest and living more in alignment with your values that going against your own grain.

I can’t have sex without feelings and I’m struggling to understand how she can.

Some people can. And at the same time? Sharing sex releases brain chemistry that encourages attachment and for feelings to develop.

It’s little things like knowing she’s going out and buying lingerie specifically for him (she said she needs it for herself to feel comfortable). I’m just scared that she’ll develop feelings for him and realise it’s actually a guy she wants to be with and not a girl and I’ll lose her.

I get that you fear losing her/breaking up. But this is part of dating. Not everyone you date is long haul compatible. And better you sort all that out now before getting married than afterwards and then have to deal with divorce.

I strongly suggest you do your soul searching.

She’s the love of my life and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl.

But do you have to do it as spouses? Could it be better/easier as friends?

Does it get easier? How can I get over this feeling of dread and worry?

Even in monogamy, a person could decide to end things.

You could set a time frame for this open experiment and then make the final call on whether or not you feel ok doing it. X months, a year.

If you are sitting around on pins and needles thinking "I'm scared she will dump me" rather than thinking "Is this how I want to be spending my life?Doing open relationships? Is this what I wanted in my marriage?" then I think you could refocus on the work of engagement.

Yes, love is a part of marriage. But love alone is not enough for DEEP compatibility, and it's not the only thing to a good marriage.

If you already know deep down this is barking up the wrong tree for you? I think it's best to be super honest with yourself and partner and lay cards on the table plain.

Galagirl
 

UNICORN324

New member
The easiest thing is communicating this with your partner and being 100% honest as you can. You always can do the trying it out but i mean if u agreed to be open there is a certain levels of trust there.

If yo ever want a chat message me. some things here are similar to things I went through
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
It rather sounds like you didn't do the work to feel secure in your relationship before opening it. You just went ahead and opened and are now freaking out because it's uncomfortable.

Have a read of this:


And Polysecure by Jessica Fern.

And I'd recommend a heart to heart with your partner about times when you have quality couple time when she's not on her phone. With poly, you need to deliberately make time to spend with a nesting partner rather than take it for granted that if you're home together you are each others focus. And acknowledge that there will be time at home which is her (and your) separate leisure time and that she's likely to be spending that time communicating with her new interest and getting to know them.

Perhaps ask your partner to read http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell to help her see what can go wrong if she's always on her phone.

All the best for working your way through this change. There really can be a chill and happy new normal on the other side of the hard work.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello TamJ96,
Sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

If your fiancée is constantly talking (like on her phone) to the one guy, when it's just you and her sitting together, she should stop doing that. It's rude. I get the impression that she is having NRE with this guy. NRE can cause us to do inconsiderate things to our original partner. Tell her to get her NRE under control. It is nice to feel it, but she must not take you for granted. The good news is, NRE doesn't last forever.

It is possible to have feelings (be in love) with two (or more) people at the same time. Now this does not mean that that's what will happen, it's possible that she's emotionally monogamous, and that if she catches feelings for this guy, she will stop having feelings for you. This is the danger one faces in open relationships. But having said that, I would say that having feelings for both people is the more likely outcome.

You have asked her to tell you everything, but there are some things that make you hurt when she tells them to you. You might want to consider asking her to reduce the amount of stuff she tells you. Like not tell you every little detail of the sex with this guy, and not tell you every little detail of how she feels about this guy. Instead, when it's just the two of you together, the focus should be on you two, not her and him.

Hang in there ... there is hope.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
She’s talking to one guy constantly, even when were sat together - is this normal? We’ve set rules and she’s completely transparent as I asked but when she tells me things I feel my gut completely drop and I just want to cry all the time and tell her to stop but I also see how happy she is about this and how different she is.

It sounds like she is functioning under the rules that the two of you agreed upon, so I would say that's normal.

Have you considered no longer asking her about the details that bring you discomfort?

I can’t have sex without feelings and I’m struggling to understand how she can.

So the current agreement is that she is "having sex only" with "no feelings"?

I know that this is a very popular thing for people to say to each other when they are first exploring non-monogamy, but that is almost certainly not going to work. Sharing intimate moments with someone is how we build trust, and it's how most romantic relationships start. She may *intend* on not catching feelings, but that's pretty rare.

She’s the love of my life and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. Does it get easier? How can I get over this feeling of dread and worry?

Does dealing with jealousy get easier? It's just like anything else, as we gain mastery over a process is becomes less laborious and stressful. So if it's your intention to actually deal with your feelings of jealousy then I would say "yes, over time, as you continue to work through your feelings, it will necessarily become easier". However, if it's your intention to just be crushed by jealousy and hope that she quits doing the thing that is making you jealous, I would say "probably it's going to stay very difficult".

So that is up to you and how you are planning on dealing with the struggle.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
How was your sex life and romantic life before you two opened your relationship? It's possible you are envious of her excitement and the buying of the sexy lingerie for the new relationship, if there was less excitement and special sexy times with you for a while.

As others have said, there is no need to be "completely transparent." All you really need to know is that she is having safer sex (using condoms). And yes, no matter how twitterpated she is, she needs to make time for you, quality time, romantic dates, special gestures that satisfy your love languages. Or she will risk losing YOU. This is just required for ETHICAL non-monogamy.

We can always be afraid that our partner may leave us "for someone else," whether we are ostensibly mono, or we are poly, or swingers, or sex workers, whatever. If you don't feel secure, tell her, and ask for reassurance.

She is bi, after all. So just because she likes the D doesn't mean she doesn't love to touch a woman too. I'm bi/pan and I love the entire spectrum.

I've been poly for 20 years, and it was extremely rough at first, but over time it became completely normal, and I am completely fine with my nesting partner having a bf. I love it, actually. (We are both women.) This does depend on having the right partner(s) though. Not everyone is good at being poly.

My partner is happy for me when I've got someone too. Not everyone develops this kind of empathy, that polyamorists call compersion, but it's a real thing that can develop over time, if you and your partner are sensitive to each other's needs, and respectful and caring and supportive and all that good stuff.
 
Top