New poly, looking for advice

[likeschocolate]

Hello

I'm new to poly and have had one main person for that time. During this time we’ve both also pursued other relationships but never really got further than initial dates. I don't have a great deal of experience with relationships or know a great deal about the intricacies of non traditional relationships.

As for us, our behaviour feels like it’s gone in waves. Firstly we did a lot, then they said there wasn’t romantic feelings and we were close, tactile friends for a while (there was a new partner for them at this time that didn't work out), then we got romantic and sexual, then they moved away. Now we’re quite romantic, tactile, but not sexual.

All throughout this our emotional bond has got stronger and stronger. We’re very comfortable in each other’s company even though that’s something that doesn’t come easy for either of us. That for me feels like something that has always been, and still is, on an upward trajectory. There are little things that are getting stronger all the time. We miss each other a lot. We spend all our time together when we see each other and we’re very tactile.

It feels like ingredients for a really strong relationship, best friends, emotionally connected etc. Plus also an undeniable attraction to each other even if that's waxed and waned.

Recently they've met new partners and have said to me that they don't feel that they have the same feelings as they used to have for me, but, we continue to be really close emotionally. Before that we had a very good liaison together which was very pleasurable for them in particular, where we had a strong connection. We both define ourselves as being more than friends with the other, but they claim the spark is dulled if not gone and they are not sure they’ll ever do anything sexual with me again (they don’t say no outright).

Part of my brain is saying this is not a good place for me to be and I’m not sure whether to hold out and develop the emotional bond further (because it is very nice) or to get out before I get seriously hurt. I have an underlying belief that sexual relationships are more valuable and that I would get left behind if that aspect came into their other relationships.

Part of me can’t figure out if this is waves as usual, but poorly articulated.

Part of me wonders about NRE and older partners (they haven’t gone to see their other partner as often either)

I would be happy with an emotional bond, but I also have other needs that aren’t being met currently.

But, part of this is not really understanding how poly works.

My partner is very re-assuring and states that they think our bond is long lasting.

I think I just need a good talking to by someone that really understands this lifestyle. I’m currently struggling with anxiety over this (I suffer from that).

 

[BathedInSalt]

Welcome to the forum.
There are many, many, many articles to search here, but I also recommend the book More than Two (they have a website too morethantwo.com).
I have been known to watch vlogs on youtube from poly amorous people just to spark my own inner dialogue because we all do it differently, but hopefully all do it ethically.
I also listen to the polyamoryweekly podcast.

I enjoy hearing from as many people as possible, I don't always agree, but it's good to get an idea of what's out there in the poly world.
If I have specific things I can't seem to resolve I bring them here to the good people of this forum and it's always somewhat helpful. Heck, just having a place to put my feelings is helpful.

I have some questions for you (if you don't mind answering), before tackling the questions I think you might be having. To be honest, your post is a little confusing.

How new is "new to polyamory"? What is your current configuration? What have past relationships looked like for you?
When you say "they" are you meaning your one partner who uses this pronoun? Or multiple partners?

" Before that we had a very good liaison together which was very pleasurable for them in particular, where we had a strong connection." I'm not sure what this means.

"Part of my brain is saying this is not a good place for me to be" don't ignore your brain.

Your partner sounds more like what I would call an intimate friend, where yeah, you share a bond and a lasting relationship but the nature of that relationship changes over time. I would call this more casual that a committed poly relationship.
It sounds like you are looking for more and I think you should continue to look for what you want/need.

Figuring out what kind of poly you want is a good place to start. I understand that can also be overwhelming, so just try to keep it simple. You may not even know. When I started my search I knew what my fantasy was, what I was open to and then worked from there. I learned a lot about what I do and don't want in the first year.

I rambled a bit, but I hope it helps!

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm new to poly and have had one main person for that time. During this time we’ve both also pursued other relationships but never really got further than initial dates. I don't have a great deal of experience with relationships or know a great deal about the intricacies of non-traditional relationships.

As for us, our behaviour feels like it’s gone in waves. Firstly we did a lot, then they said there wasn’t romantic feelings and we were close, tactile friends for a while (there was a new partner for them at this time that didn't work out), then we got romantic and sexual, then they moved away. Now we’re quite romantic, tactile, but not sexual.

I hear you using the "they" pronoun for your friend, but we request in our Guidelines you pick a nickname. You don't have to reveal your gender or your partner's gender (whether they are non-binary or non-conforming or whatever), but you could pick a nickname even as simple as Blue or Tree or Zen or or anything you'd like. Nicknames will make it easier for us other members to understand and comment on your thread(s).

So, at first you "did a lot." I guess you mean, did a lot of sex? We are adults here, it's OK to be specific (though a bit in bad taste to get overly graphic with sexual descriptions, unless you really need to).

So I read this as, you did sex (however you define sex, personally, or for your genders) for X amount of time, but now you just cuddle and hug, because when NicknamePerson gets excited about a new potential partner, they lose romantic sexual feelings for you. Correct me if I'm wrong.

This could indicate NicknamePerson isn't polyamorous. It's uncommon for a true poly to lose romantic sexual feelings for one person just because another is in view. NRE can make us obsess about the new person, but if we lose ALL sexual and romantic interest in the prior partner, there's a chance we are a NRE addict and a serial monogamist. And/or we are keeping older partner around as backup and comfort giver or narcissist supply only, which isn't fair to them. It's disrespectful. It's up to you to draw your own boundaries of how much of this treatment you want to take. If you desire sex and romance, it looks to me like you need to seek it elsewhere.

All throughout this our emotional bond has got stronger and stronger. We’re very comfortable in each other’s company, even though that’s something that doesn’t come easy for either of us. That, for me, feels like something that has always been, and still is, on an upward trajectory. There are little things that are getting stronger all the time. We miss each other a lot. We spend all our time together when we see each other and we’re very tactile.

It feels like ingredients for a really strong relationship, best friends, emotionally connected etc. Plus also an undeniable attraction to each other even if that's waxed and waned.

Well, close friendships are great. And sexual desire can fade and only leave friendship behind. But neither of those indicate one is polyamorous.

Polyamory means loving multiple people romantically (and almost always sexually, since most adults are sexual).

Recently they've met new partners and have said to me that they don't feel that they have the same feelings as they used to have for me, but, we continue to be really close emotionally. Before that we had a very good liaison together which was very pleasurable, for them in particular.

OK, and how did you feel? What are you feeling now?

We both define ourselves as being more than friends with the other, but they claim the spark is dulled, if not gone, and they are not sure they’ll ever do anything sexual with me again.

Well, that sucks, if you still desire them. I had a boyfriend once (he had issues) who was gung ho for me sexually during our 7 month bf/gf relationship, but then his mother died (they had an unhealthy dynamic), he was thrown into a tailspin, a midlife crisis of sorts, and his romantic sexual feelings for me also died. It was extremely painful for me. I found him really hot and desirable, and very satisfying sexually. He likes me a lot (and vice versa) and wanted to stay friends, and so I've managed to do that, for 2 years now... but I still wanna fuck him! sigh... Luckily I've got others who desire me and fuck me good. haha

Part of my brain is saying this is not a good place for me to be, and I’m not sure whether to hold out and develop the emotional bond further (because it is very nice), or to get out before I get seriously hurt. I have an underlying belief that sexual relationships are more valuable and that I would get left behind if that aspect came into their other relationships.

I think you should listen to this part of your brain... you seem to be in a bit of denial, which is very understandable.

Part of me can’t figure out if this is waves as usual, but poorly articulated.

Part of me wonders about NRE and older partners (they haven’t gone to see their other partner as often either).

Yeah, I think NicknamePerson is getting off on their NRE and disrespecting you and their other older partner!

I would be happy with an emotional bond, but I also have other needs that aren’t being met currently. But, part of this is not really understanding how poly works.

My partner is very re-assuring and states that they think our bond is long lasting.

I think I just need a good talking to by someone that really understands this lifestyle. I’m currently struggling with anxiety over this (I suffer from that).

Polyamory isn't a lifestyle. It's a love style. I think this person is behaving in a cavalier fashion. I think it's time to check in with your own feelings, needs and desires, and not keep catering to this will o' the wisp.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello likeschocolate,

Just going by your description, you seem to be saying that your emotional bond with your main person has been increasing for some time, and is still increasing, even if your sexual bond has gone downhill. I think that the sexual part is important to you and so you should probably keep looking for another person who can fulfill that spot, but at the same time it seems (to me) like it would be okay to keep your relationship with your main person. And maybe that person wouldn't even continue to be a main person for you, maybe they would become a secondary, that part is up to you to decide. I admit, staying close to them involves a risk, the closer you get to them, the more they can hurt you. But that's love, isn't love always a risk? but maybe you should just be wary of that, and be ready to withdraw if it starts to be painful for you at all.

Hopefully the posts in this thread so far have been helpful to you. Keep us updated if you're willing on your evolving situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[likeschocolate]

OK, a lot to respond to here, I'm going to look at the questions raised by BathedInSalt first:

How new is "new to polyamory"? What is your current configuration? What have past relationships looked like for you?

I've never done it before and I have had monogamous relationships but not very successful ones

When you say "they" are you meaning your one partner who uses this pronoun? Or multiple partners?

One partner, will be referred to as NP (Nickname Person) from now on.

" Before that we had a very good liaison together which was very pleasurable for them in particular, where we had a strong connection."

We played together and it was a lot of fun and we were both very happy and satisfied

============

And Magdlyn's response:

So, at first you "did a lot." I guess you mean, did a lot of sex? We are adults here, it's OK to be specific (though a bit in bad taste to get overly graphic with sexual descriptions, unless you really need to).

Both NP and I are on the asexual spectrum and engage in kink more than sex. That being said a number of our encounters have been very sexually charged, we've just not fucked.

Neither has anything like that happened with the new partners. Actually I think NP mostly just hangs out and cuddles and kisses. I don't think they've done anything as sexual with anyone apart from me and the longer term partner (we'll call them LP).

lose ALL sexual and romantic interest

I always find romantic hard to define, but distinct from lust. But I'd say in this case they haven't. NP still misses me a lot and want to be with me, we go on dates, we buy each other presents, we support each other when the other is down and to achieve stuff in our lives etc.

OK, and how did you feel? What are you feeling now?

I felt great. Now I feel confused NP doesn't want to do anything else at this time.

but then his mother died (they had an unhealthy dynamic), he was thrown into a tailspin, a midlife crisis of sorts, and his romantic sexual feelings for me also died

That's interesting as we're both going through large periods of change in our lives right now and we're not near to each other geographically either.


And finally kdt264417

But that's love

Neither of us have used that word, but it feels a lot like that. That's what I'd use to describe the underlying emotional bond that we have, which is very strong.


I'm very grateful for the responses

 

[likeschocolate]

As an aside, I have also read that NRE is often poorly handled by poly people. The situation where it increases ORE occurs, but so does the situation where the old relationships are neglected.

 

[kdt26417]

In all fairness, I think that the increased ORE happens at least 50% of the time with NRE. And usually when the older relationship is neglected, it's partly because of preexisting problems.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any. And I might be totally wrong in my impression. But this situation to me reminds me of a friend I have who is hesitant to "label anything" and then it ends up getting her more mixed up than if she just used labels.

Firstly we did a lot, then they said there wasn’t romantic feelings and we were close, tactile friends for a while (there was a new partner for them at this time that didn't work out), then we got romantic and sexual, then they moved away. Now we’re quite romantic, tactile, but not sexual.

Do you enjoy this back and forth thing?

Both NP and I are on the asexual spectrum and engage in kink more than sex. That being said a number of our encounters have been very sexually charged, we've just not fucked.

NP still misses me a lot and want to be with me, we go on dates, we buy each other presents, we support each other when the other is down and to achieve stuff in our lives etc.

To me that sounds like at one point you were (friends + dating + romantic + kink play).

We both define ourselves as being more than friends with the other, but they claim the spark is dulled if not gone and they are not sure they’ll ever do anything sexual with me again (they don’t say no outright).

Now they started seeing a new person and say they are no longer are into you that way. So it sounds like a break up. But they do not come right out and say that and you are still getting "I miss you" stuff and dates. Almost like wanting to keep you around for a "back up plan." Is that what this is?

Part of my brain is saying this is not a good place for me to be and I’m not sure whether to hold out and develop the emotional bond further (because it is very nice) or to get out before I get seriously hurt. I have an underlying belief that sexual relationships are more valuable and that I would get left behind if that aspect came into their other relationships.

Could listen to your brain and do what YOU need to feel better. Could bow out, take the time you need to heal from this break up/change.

Part of me can’t figure out if this is waves as usual, but poorly articulated.

Well, the poor articulation doesn't help you feel any better here.

So... you could be decisive even if they are being all vague like trying to keep all their options open.

If NP is no longer into you that way, they are seeing someone else, and you don't feel great participating here? You don't have to remain in their poly network as a dating partner. You could stop dating them.

Could let that part of it end. Take a time out to heal from this change/ break up. Give yourself some space.

If you still want to be (good exes and friends) later? At that point in time could redefine "good exes and friends now means _____ with us. We do ___ together. We do not do _____" and then stick to that pattern of behavior.


Galagirl

 

[likeschocolate]

In all fairness, I think that the increased ORE happens at least 50% of the time with NRE. And usually when the older relationship is neglected, it's partly because of preexisting problems.

So this would confuse me as I don't think there are / were any. The only thing I could think of would be the distance between us

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you had preexisting problems. I was only speaking of poly/NRE in general. Your experience seems to be rather problem-free, I don't even know whether the distance between you constitutes a problem. Again I apologize for any miscommunication on my part.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I'm going to chop and paste here a bit, so please correct me if I mix things up...

Re: sexual

Both NP and I are on the asexual spectrum and engage in kink more than sex. That being said a number of our encounters have been very sexually charged, we've just not fucked.

I have an underlying belief that sexual relationships are more valuable and that I would get left behind if that aspect came into their other relationships.

*******
Re: romantic

Now we’re quite romantic, tactile, but not sexual.

I always find romantic hard to define... NP still misses me a lot and want to be with me, we go on dates, we buy each other presents, we support each other when the other is down and to achieve stuff in our lives etc.

It feels like ingredients for a really strong relationship, best friends, emotionally connected etc.

We both define ourselves as being more than friends with the other...

(Re: Love)

Neither of us have used that word, but it feels a lot like that. That's what I'd use to describe the underlying emotional bond that we have, which is very strong.

I would be happy with an emotional bond, but I also have other needs that aren’t being met currently.

******

Part of my brain is saying this is not a good place for me to be...

I agree with the others that you have to listen to your brain (or gut) here - you do not think that you are in a healthy place...but I think that you have some thinking to do to figure out WHAT is unhealthy about where you are now.

Personally, it seems to me that you are mixing the "sexual" in with the "romantic". You (and NP) are on the asexual spectrum but you, personally, have an underlying belief that sexual relationships are "more valuable". Does NP share this belief? When NP says that the "spark" has faded - are they referring to a sexual chemistry or a romantic interest?

...
Your partner sounds more like what I would call an intimate friend, where yeah, you share a bond and a lasting relationship but the nature of that relationship changes over time.

I agree with this, although I don't know that I would bring casual vs. committed into that definition. It is possible to "love" someone (even if they "love" you back) and not be in a romantic relationship with them.

It sounds like you are looking for more and I think you should continue to look for what you want/need.

I concur, whether "poly partner" or "intimate friend" it seems that your relationship allows for both of you to seek what you want from others. So do that. (Clearly, any "others" would have to be aware of your relationship with each other.)

*******

I don't know if this helps you any. And I might be totally wrong in my impression. But this situation to me reminds me of a friend I have who is hesitant to "label anything" and then it ends up getting her more mixed up than if she just used labels.

GG knows that I am not a fan of labels - I think that labels lead to expectations - but I think that if the lack of definition is causing you pain/discomfort then THAT is what you need to address. I think that labels are really shorthand for certain sets of expectations and I think that those expectations not being met are what causes people to feel distressed.

So, whether you use labels or not, or the word "love" or not, have you spoken about what you can expect from each other? And how committed you are to meeting those expectations? And how successful (or not) each of you has been at meeting those expectations in the past? Do you have subconscious expectations about what "more than friend" means to you? Does NP share those expectations?

Do you enjoy this back and forth thing?

To me that sounds like at one point you were (friends + dating + romantic + kink play).

Now they started seeing a new person and say they are no longer are into you that way.

And you seem to be asking "should I continue to invest in this relationship?" and hope that it changes back or "should I distance myself so I don't get hurt?"

I think that it is a set-up for disappointment to continue to invest in a relationship with the hope that someone/something is going to change. I think that you have to look at what you have right now (clarifying whether it is "romantic" to both of you, and what that means) - and see if THAT is something that you are willing to continue to invest in.

Could listen to your brain and do what YOU need to feel better. Could bow out, take the time you need to heal from this break up/change.

Yes. The only part of this that you have control over is your thoughts/actions/participation. You can't count on the "spark" to return (even if it has in the past). Even if you have the convo about whether your relationship is "romantic" or "committed" and iron out expectations - the relationship may not work out the way you would like. Are you getting enough out of it right now for it to be worth this much thought/angst?

If NP is no longer into you that way, they are seeing someone else, and you don't feel great participating here? You don't have to remain in their poly network as a dating partner. You could stop dating them.

Could let that part of it end. Take a time out to heal from this change/ break up. Give yourself some space.

 

[likeschocolate]

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you had preexisting problems. I was only speaking of poly/NRE in general. Your experience seems to be rather problem-free, I don't even know whether the distance between you constitutes a problem. Again I apologize for any miscommunication on my part.

I didn't take this as an implication, I was putting up an observation off the back of the original comment

 

[kdt26417]

I think I understand.

 

[Hela]

How long have you been with your main partner?

Either way I think my answer would probably be the same. If you are happy with them and want to keep things as they are, there shouldnt be any issue with you opening up your relationship to something else to help fulfill those needs.
"Dont fix it if it ain't broke"
I've had a few relationships that have waxed and waned back and forth as you describe, but stayed consistent with the love and compassion. If anything, I think your main partner would be happy to see you opening up and expanding your love even more.