new poly relationship

mikie

New member
i was asked to join my friends in a relationship about two month's ago. I already was developing a deep love for thr Mr.
He had approached his wife saying he wanted to open the marriage and he was in love with me.
she agreed to try opening up thr marriage
but nothing is moving forward.she makes comments all the time about how she doesnt want change or her marriage to change.
she wants discretion and no one to know so thrybwont question their relationship.
nothing has really changed amunst us.
i feel like a secret, and in a relationship that is never going to be outside thr house. and always under what the Mrs approves of. im worried to never geel equal and in a relationship more just pulled oit for fun when its ok.
has anyone else felt this. ?
 

lunabunny

New member
I'm not sure how familiar you are with the concept of polyamory or the associated terminology, but it sounds to me as if you've found yourself in the classic position of "unicorn", or Hot Bi Babe, often used by a married couple to spice up their sex life or add spark to a flagging marriage.

Does this situation sound like what you've gotten yourself involved in? Or do you think it's more a case of the husband (Mr) pressuring his wife into doing something she is against, or not entirely comfortable with? (You do not specify whether or not you're also involved with the wife (Mrs) or if group sex/threesomes are part of the equation, but reading between the lines, it seems like this might be the case here.)

Whatever your specific situation, it smacks of "couple privilege" (another term you might need to familiarise yourself with, if you haven't already) and this form of hierarchical polyamory is a contentious topic because many poly people recognise that it places the "third" (you) at a distinct emotional, and sometimes practical/economic, disadvantage.

Were the terms of your arrangement discussed beforehand by all parties, mikie? What do YOU want from this set-up? Have you made agreements with the husband and/or his wife? Are you clear on your boundaries, and have you communicated these to both members of the couple?
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I can definitely understand why you would feel afraid to lose this relationship, and why you feel unequal. It definitely sounds like the wife in this scenario is not really happy with the idea - and yes, it is not going to be sustainable in the long run. Which is fine, if you're just having fun here. If you want it to be serious, and long-term, then the wife is going to need to do a complete turn around, or things aren't going work out.

I'm sorry - this is couple privilege. You can ask for what you want, but it doesn't sound like it will be possible to attain it with these people as partners.
 

mikie

New member
i am quite familiar with the terms
and that is exactly what i feel i hsve gotten into. it was agreed as a group that qe would be equal and communicate often.
lm finding she agrees in a group and agrees to him alone. then when we get alone she changes what she has said. and make me feel small or less than.
we havent played yet at all. really we have done nothing.
she gets upset if we go out together.
we all live together which happened before the poly situation came about.
i dont know if i should jist call it quits and move on
 

lunabunny

New member
Sadly, I think you really need to move on, yes. The wife in this situation sounds far from accepting of the opening of the marriage and may be agreeing in a group setting, or to his face, under duress (i.e. he's pressuring her because he's in love with you, and/or she fears she'll lose him to you if she doesn't agree on the face of it).

However, she is throwing up every roadblock imaginable to try and delay any physical or public expression of this new relationship paradigm. So clearly she isn't ready. As a couple, they have a long road ahead before they can contemplate polyamory a relationship model, let alone a fully integrated triad.

If you're in the position to do so, you ought to try to extricate yourself from this living situation. It will be unworkable in its current form, even if there hasn't yet been shared sex, as long as feelings remain between you and the husband.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
i am quite familiar with the terms
and that is exactly what i feel i hsve gotten into. it was agreed as a group that qe would be equal and communicate often.
lm finding she agrees in a group and agrees to him alone. then when we get alone she changes what she has said. and make me feel small or less than.
we havent played yet at all. really we have done nothing.
she gets upset if we go out together.
we all live together which happened before the poly situation came about.
i dont know if i should jist call it quits and move on

No relationships involving more than one person is ever equal.

In families husbands take second place to children...
A younger child usually needs more attention and care than an older child.
Elderly family members need more care than younger ones...

In poly relationships there are times one relationship will need more time or attention than another. That dynamic can ebb and flow.

I am guessing she doesn't want a relationship with you. She is only begrudgingly doing this because she feels or has been told she has no choice. Do the right thing bow out and date people seperately. She is unhappy you are unhappy. Why continue?
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I'm wondering if you have addressed this discrepancy with your hinge, or have you decided it's too far gone to cause a rift between them? In other words, is Mr. aware that Mrs. is lying to him?
 

mikie

New member
i jsbe addressed it with him. i haven't with her. i have an issue woth communicating which is my own thing
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi mikie,

It sounds like the wife is calling the shots here. You do not get a say, nor does the husband. Sounds like a wonky dynamic, you'll have to think about whether you want to continue in it.

I hope you'll be able to work things out. You deserve to be treated well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

mikie

New member
its super wonkym She is totally in control. but ibe allowed that too. i haven't taken over my roll. im not sure where to be now
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I suppose the thing to do now is, figure out what your boundaries are, and what you can do to adhere to them. Focus on the things that you are able to control and do.
 
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