New to Forum, not new to lifestyle.

[DragonMan]

Hello all,
My name is Doug. I am happily married to a wonderful woman with six adult children, all but one living on their own.
R and I have a great relationship that has included 'encounters' with others over the years.
My first issue, in brief:
As a good looking and outgoing female, my wife can pretty much get the attention of any man she fancies. Such is the nature of men.
As the male (confident and not ugly), I have found it extremely difficult to convince another woman that it is 'okay' to spend time with me and see how things progress. Such is the nature of women in general.
This is causing a very one sided situation since a few years ago I agreed to let R go solo with her interests.
This has resulted in a situation where recently I have actually had to put the brakes on the whole 'experiment' of our polyamory.
I have long ago come to terms with my issues of jealousy....in fact, I am happy and excited for her when she gets the opportunity to share her affection, for she is an awesome women and has much love to give.
But I can't help feeling that, because of the nature of man and women and the differences mentioned above, that this arrangement is becoming very unfair.
Any help would be appreciated.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm curious to know, if jealousy is not the issue here, why you must put the brakes on her? MUST? Marriage is not about doing everything the other person is doing. If your wife found enormous success in her career would you then feel compelled to make her quit if you were not at the exact same income level? Of course not. You would never require her to reign in her joyful experience of something just because you did not experience the same joy, just to keep things fair. Your situation is typical - poly women find male partners much more plentiful than poly men find female partners, but life is full of inequities. That doesn't mean we should prevent other people from enjoying their successes. Attempting to go down the poly path hand in hand seems to cause couples much more anguish than joy. Why not just be two individuals who are open to enjoying other individuals?

 

[DragonMan]

Angel,
Fair questions.
Perhaps an expansion of your work analogy might explain the unfairness that I feel I am experiencing.

Let us say that both her and I started a company....a partnership. Each brought their skill set to bring success to the partnership company.
But I pay myself alll of the profits/perks, and she recieves no compensation for her effort.
Would you still consider this a simple situation of, as you put it, "but life is full of inequities"?

Any healthy relationship is a loving partnership.
I truly wish to make my partner as happy and successfull as possible.
I do believe she feels the same....otherwise I would not even be with her.

The real question ( might be....I am not sure....that is why I joined this forum ).....should not both/many/all in the relationship get something positive from the polyamorous arrangement?

Isn't that the whole idea?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Doug,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re: arrangement unfair due to the nature of men and women ... is a common problem that comes up often here. I don't think there's a way to fix it per se; the best you can do is look for ways to improve your own odds.

Have you tried OKCupid? other poly-friendly dating sites?

Have you sought out local poly groups in your area? If you build platonic friendships in a poly environment, one or more could grow into a romance later on.

It can also help to mingle with fringe groups that are more likely to be open-minded about polyamory. BDSM, Ren faires, indie concerts, etc.

FWIW, I'll note that I'm one of the males in a hetero MFM V. I only have one partner, whereas she has two. So one could argue that the arrangement is unfair towards me (and towards the other man). But, I've gotten used to it, and don't feel shortchanged. The lady of our V is very evenhanded.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[GreenAcres]

Angel,


Any healthy relationship is a loving partnership.
I truly wish to make my partner as happy and successfull as possible.
I do believe she feels the same....otherwise I would not even be with her.

The real question ( might be....I am not sure....that is why I joined this forum ).....should not both/many/all in the relationship get something positive from the polyamorous arrangement?

Isn't that the whole idea?

If by "something positive" you mean shouldn't both partners get equally as much attention from other people, then no. Polyamory isn't a game of tit-for-tat or things being equal. It's about forming more than one loving relationship. Penalizing her for getting more attention is kind of juvenile.

There are many positive things that can come from polyamory that aren't simply how much attention you get outside your marriage. Examples include, but are not limited to:

- A chance to meet and connect with new people, whether you end up in a relationship with them or not.

-A way to explore things you may not otherwise have explored, to meet people or as dates.

-A happy, fulfilled spouse who is meeting his/her needs, which helps them also meet yours.

-Time on your own to do things you enjoy that your spouse may not like to do.

-The opportunity to grow as a person, based on the experiences you have with others. It's easy, in a relationship, to get complacent about things like attending social events, finding or continuing hobbies, etc.--the things that make us interesting. It's also a good opportunity to view yourself through the eyes of someone not your spouse, and see if there is internal or external work that would help you become a better person, but which your partner hasn't mentioned because they don't mind so much or are simply used to.

-Sometimes, better and more frequent sex (especially for women, getting sex begets wanting more sex)

If you are actually mono, then that is one thing. But, if you're poly and just mad that things aren't going your way so you're going to take your ball and go home, that's very unfair to your wife. Rather than penalize her for her success (and, if you must see it this way, for the "differences" in men and women--though, I can tell you as a bi woman, I've gotten almost exactly the same reactions to poly from men and women, especially after dating them for a while, when the "casual" dating phase is passed), perhaps, as Kevin suggests, put more effort into upping your odds. Join a dating site, go to meetups, find groups where the lifestyle is more prevalent, etc.

 

[GreenAcres]

Angel,


Let us say that both her and I started a company....a partnership. Each brought their skill set to bring success to the partnership company.
But I pay myself alll of the profits/perks, and she recieves no compensation for her effort.
Would you still consider this a simple situation of, as you put it, "but life is full of inequities"?

This doesn't work as an analogy, If the "company" is your marriage. Your wife has a responsibility to be present in your marriage, contribute, treat you with respect, etc. If she's doing that, then she's giving you all the "perks and profits" of a marriage.

What you're doing would be each your and your wife trying to independently acquire additional companies on your own, then telling her to give up the company she succeeded in acquiring because your acquisition didn't go through.

 

[DragonMan]

Green acres,
It is not about, as you put it, a tit-for-tat issue.
I also can meet new and interesting females.....but when the subject of any possible relationship comes up, women will pull back ( usually judgmental/horrified/flabergasted that a married man would even consider such a thing, and god only knows what they are thinking about my 'poor' wife ) and that will be the quick end of that.
Whereas my wife can meet new and interesting males, and if she shows a bit of interest to take things further....well....let us say that almost to a man, they will not only consider, but continue the line of interest with little or no regard for some husband or boyfriend.

The analogy described by Angel that I responded to is completely fair and logical.
What you described is not a PARTNERSHIP ( relationship ), but a competition between two INDIVIDUALS ( independent of each other or not working together toward the same goal ) who may have little in common other than sleeping together.

 

[DragonMan]

Official Greeter,
Thanks for the warm welcome.

Too bad I live in such a remote and conservative part of Oregon or I could take some of your good advice....
BTW - Have been through Yelm....nice area.

Your V relationship sounds fulfilling to both you, your other and your others lover.
My wife and me have had some very good experiences ( and some bad ones to be sure ) with this also....one of her ex-lovers is actually a very good friend of mine to this day.

Perhaps things will work themselves out....there is more to my current story but that is for another post.
Later.

 

[opalescent]

Yes, a man in a poly relationship with a woman may well have trouble finding other women partners even as his partner more easily finds other male partners. Women have more to lose when engaging in a sexual or romantic relationship so we - very broadly speaking - tend to be more conservative and risk averse. There's the risk of violence, the risk of pregnancy, the greater risk of STI's (it's far easier to transmit a STI from men to women than vice versa), and the greater risk of social disapproval. (A man who has sex with lots of women is a stud. A woman who has sex with lots of men is a slut and that's not a compliment in most circles.) But this isn't inherent to women or men - it's how our society is organized and it is not set in stone. (Difficult to change, I will give you, but not impossible.) If you think of it as not somehow inherent in gender - because it's not, it's a rational response to current social structures - it may be easier to accept and think about ways to get your needs met. Long story short, if you work to make the world more accepting and safer for women to be openly sexual, you will help along your own desires to meet women open to dating you, a married poly man.

Ok, so that's a long term perspective. What to do in the meantime? Consider changing your perspective. Other folks have commented that, essentially, fair, equal, and balanced does not mean everyone has exactly the same thing. 1 boyfriend for her! 1 girlfriend for you! 2 boyfriends for her! 2 girlfriends for you! Sounds kinda silly written out, doesn't it?

Here's what I would like you to consider. You clearly love and value your wife. Do you want your relationship with her to make her less than who she is? Or do you want your relationship with her to help make her be the best possible version of herself?

Putting the brakes on experimenting with polyamory because you are not getting the same opportunities with women that she is with men makes her be less than she is. You are cutting off her opportunities to grow and learn because you don't have those same opportunities. It's not fair to try and force our partners to be less than they could be because of our fears and envy. You are experiencing envy of her opportunities. Demanding she stop exploring those opportunities is likely to cause resentment, even if she agrees. Dealing with your envy by making her stop doing what causes you to feel envy isn't a solution. It's just outsourcing an internal problem you are having with your lack of opportunities. And that's not fair to her, or ultimately to you. You are putting the brakes on your own opportunities for growth and learning out of envy. Don't make yourself less than you could be too.

It's really hard to live with someone who is getting all the fun stuff you would like to have too. My ex-boyfriend is younger than me, more outgoing and just more in demand than my middle-aged self. It was often hard that he had way more opportunities to date than I did. I felt jealous, envious and not as 'cool'. It was not fun. But the solution was not to make him avoid these opportunities. Sometimes I just had to accept that I was feeling envy, that it was ok to feel envy but that I didn't have to *do* anything about that feeling. It wasn't pleasant but feelings tend to move along on their own. Doing something about my envy by making him change something about himself would have been trying to make him into someone he is not. And that would have been unfair. I learned how to cope a bit better with envy. We did break up but not over envy - our paths in life just weren't compatible after a while.

If you noodle about here, you will find many threads that touch upon this pattern. (Try tag searching for 'dating' to start, or just read through the Poly Relationship Corner section.) Reading how other men addressed this issue - and it comes up A LOT - may help you as well.

Good luck!

 

[DragonMan]

opalescent,
I totally agree that the male/female availability issue is cultural/societal more than anything else.
You make valid points and I agree with much of it.
Don't get me wrong.....I have done much soul searching regarding my own feelings about our situation.
Am I being selfish?
Am I hindering someone whom I love from fulfilling their own potential out of, as you say, fear and/or envy.
I did not ask her to stop without delving deep into my own state of emotional being.
Again....this is why I joined this forum....after reading many posts, the community here seems very knowledgable and capable without being overly judgemental.
Perhaps I am not prepared to share anymore? Mono. ( Controlling? )
Am I envious because of no fault of my partner?.....it is a possibility.
Are my feelings valid?.....right or wrong, this is my current emotional state.

My partner and I share everything and we are infinitely entangled....a true partnership where we love and support each other as well as any other couple that I have known.

We have too much to lose in every category if something should come between us and our relationship.
We do have rules.....we do have trust.

One of my biggest fears is that in asking my partner to stop, that she may be tempted to continue her relationships in secret, breaking all trust and disaster would ensue.

I do not think it is unreasonable, given our deep involvement, to ask my partner for a break, or even termination, of involvment in others.

I have read some on this forum call this 'abuse', and others saying that it is okay to take a break if things get rocky.

It is interesting that I have only heard the female side of counter argument. ( excepting of course for the Greeter. )

Again....any advice will be considered.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi DragonMan,

I don't suppose there's any possibility of you guys moving to a more poly-friendly area? The coastal areas in and around Portland are very poly-friendly. I guess that sounds like an extreme measure, but if polyamory is going to be an important part of your life and you want to be able to meet interested women, maybe moving would be an appropriate direction for your life to take.

I guess I don't have any advice beyond that. But I can't say that polyamory is inherently unfair to men, since I am a man in a poly arrangement and it's been my experience that I've greatly enjoyed the benefits of polyamory, despite my failure to find additional partners. I tried that for awhile but admittedly lost interest. Why not focus more of my efforts and attentions on the one very good partnership that I do have? especially when those are the efforts and attentions that get rewarded.

I can say that polyamory isn't good for everyone. Maybe you (and your wife?) need to live more (all?) of a monogamous life together. You can certainly ask her to do that with you. Since the two of you are very enmeshed, I suppose she'd be willing. As it stands, at least at this moment, she can have extra poly partners but you can't. If this state of affairs brings you unhappiness, then polyamory is a bad thing for you.

Unless, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, even if it's not an "alternative" type group, you join that group and it gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

If all the advice in this thread (including OKCupid) really doesn't work for you, then that's your only remaining option. Get yourself out there where you can have platonic friendships, and be content with that unless/until something develops into a romance. After that, I'm fresh out of ideas. And maybe that makes it seem like the poly community has let you down, but as has been pointed out, the structure of mainstream society is probably the real culprit.

That's all I have for now, I will certainly speak up if I can think of any other ideas.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[nycindie]

Polyamory is not meant to be a race or competition.

 

[DragonMan]

Polyamory is not meant to be a race or competition.

I am also not sure it is healthy or will last very long if only one partner ever crosses the finish line...lol.
Sorry....that was a bit shallow, yet....there it is.

Greeter.....Thanks for the effort and advice.
I also have of late come to the same conclusion.

 

[FallenAngelina]

So, DragonMan, tell us what you'd really like to get out of the discussion here because so far you keep justifying why you must prevent your wife from enjoying the people that you are unable to at this time. In your opening post you say this:

I am happy and excited for her when she gets the opportunity to share her affection, for she is an awesome women and has much love to give.
But I can't help feeling that, because of the nature of man and women and the differences mentioned above, that this arrangement is becoming very unfair.
Any help would be appreciated.

Five of us have, in our own unique styles, offered thoughts that might help move your perspective from one of competition and lack into a place that's based more on appreciation and abundance, yet you defend your stance of "fairness" at every turn. Why keep arguing for your limitations and thus perpetuate your suffering? The respondents here all are inviting you to see things differently, see things in ways that can dramatically alter your perception of this situation and make room for something wonderful to come into your life for you. I see you fending off all comers, even when you've asked for help, so I can only imagine what a woman in "real life" might experience when meeting you. Perhaps in general you could do with a bit of softening. Our everyday circumstances have much less to do with who penetrates our force fields than the personal barriers we've got up and take with us wherever we go. I encourage you once again to take your focus off of how your wife so effortlessly appears to be crossing finish line after finish line and direct your thoughts to how you can let down your guard and allow more human connection into your life. Don't blame your lack of the connections you desire on your wife, society, your place in the world, the parade of women who just don't get it. If you don't like what's happening in your life, change you. Change yourself and you change your world.

 

[DragonMan]

Okay….sorry for the huge post….but it is next to impossible to discuss these issues in short ‘sound bites’.

Fallen Angel,
If I seem defensive, it is because I am using ‘devils advocate’ in response to the arguments presented about my particular situation.

You ask “tell us what you'd really like to get out of the discussion here”

Okay:
I am searching for reasonable arguments of why I should ever want to return to the lifestyle, from people who might understand the issue and have a different viewpoint than myself or my partner.

We started this adventure together, usually involving other couples or single interested women and men, but involving both of us directly in these relationships. Both of us gained something from these relationships and they were, for the most part, very positive experiences….some of them lasting to this day.

The last few years, as I have stated in earlier posts, my partner has gone solo with my blessing and even encouragement.

As for my own progression, I have certainly made it a focus to ‘open up’ and lower my barriers. I have had several recent interactions with single women who, at first, are very interested. Once the issue of my marriage comes to light however, it is a non-starter for these women….even after I assure them that it is something my wife is okay with and supports. I am not bitter or too resentful about this as I do understand the realities of the differences tween men and women, but I will admit to feeling a bit of frustration.

So….my partner has been free to see whom she wishes for years ….and I have given it my all to pursue and charm another relationship for myself.

The results have been shown to be, as I put it before, very one sided through no fault of my own or my partners ( I am certainly not blaming her for my failure here ). I am, in my humble opinion, not dwelling on her success as you say, I am simply stating facts as they are.

As for change…..I am doing just that. You may not agree with the change, but I believe it is the only way forward at this moment in time, and none of the arguments put forth so far has shown, at least to myself. to be convincing enough to adjust my decision.

I do appreciate the input and the different viewpoints….I really do.

I am a bit disappointed that all the responses besides our official Greeter have been from women, who, I assume, are living the lifestyle, and would by definition, present and defend a viewpoint that is perhaps more skewed to my partners needs/wants/desires than to my own.

I have, from the beginning, invited my partner to read these posts, and she is keeping up with the conversation.

A caveat here at the end…..before I get pummeled by the fairer sex on this forum for being such a Neanderthal of a man.

I do understand some of the benefits the lifestyle can bring.
I grasp that her other relationships can bring her happiness and fulfillment that I may not provide, and that this translates in some ways directly and positively to that which she brings to our own relationship.
My partner’s happiness IS of utmost importance to me. The chance to fulfill her emotional and physical needs and/or wants with any person or persons she chooses should not be interfered with lightly. ( nor curtailed without understanding fully the consequences that such a request may bring down upon us both )

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"I am searching for reasonable arguments of why I should ever want to return to the lifestyle, from people who might understand the issue and have a different viewpoint than myself or my partner."

Given your description of your circumstances and how it all makes you feel, I'm not sure I can think of a reasonable argument of why you should ever want to return to polyamory. By no means am I trying to "kick you out of the club" when I say that. It would be great if you could see your way clear to tackle poly from another angle. But for that to happen, I think you would have to make major changes to your life and/or mindset. Does that at all interest you? Only you can decide.

Re:

"I am a bit disappointed that all the responses besides our official Greeter have been from women ..."

Sorry if the men of this forum have let you down (and maybe the women have let you down too); it might be worth noting that I think we have a lot more female members than we do male members, or at least, a lot more active members who are female. Maybe that's because it's the nature of most men to not want to discuss things as much; I couldn't tell you.

Maybe it comes down to accepting things as they are in the here and now, and then with luck and patience, things might change eventually. They say we are most likely to find someone to date when we're not looking. I think you still have to put yourself out there, but what success you'll have and when is an unknown. Have you already waited as long as you want to? Only you can tell.

Just a few more thoughts.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GreenAcres]

So, you're upset that primarily women have responded here, despite women being the demographic you're searching for but say you can't find (yet, you don't want to accept advice from these women on how you may actually find what you say you seek, despite them being the clearly best resource on where to find...well, us). And your wife is a poly women, who other men seem to have found. Yet, you don't think there are poly women out there to find. And you don't think it's you that is the issue in terms of attracting/finding women, it's just that they're not there to be found.

I am confused.

All I can get from this entire thread is that what you really wanted was for men to respond and commiserate, and bolster your decision to put a halt to your wife's poly relationships?

 

[GreenAcres]

Also, why are you limiting yourself to "single women?" Why not date others who are married, like yourself? And, how long is it before you reveal that you are married? Were they meeting you in scenarios where a mono mindset is the defacto expectation?

 

[DragonMan]

Green Acres,
I am reading and digesting the advice from all.

As for the demographics you speak of....I would posit that EVERY man is a natural poly and that the female poly is by and large an extreme rarity.
This is the entire point!
Are you so insulated from reality that you cannot at least acknowledge the discrepancy? Cuz the only man who I have chatted with here seems to at least grasp this concept.

I would have liked some input from a few men on this forum to understand how it benefits a man to share his poly female partner with another ( benefits other than that which she reaps, and then brings back to her partner in the manner of HER own happiness and contentment ) while he himself remains essentially monogamous, as his choices and opportunities are, compared to the female, pretty much non-existent.

This appears to be the most common poly arrangement for, at least to myself, very obvious reasons.

You are not getting it at all.....you say...

"All I can get from this entire thread is that what you really wanted was for men to respond and commiserate, and bolster your decision to put a halt to your wife's poly relationships"

I am actually looking for the exact opposite....a reason why I should continue the status quo, which to myself appears entirely one sided.

Every response from the women here who practice the lifestyle make it very clear that any inequality that I observe in the relationships that me and my partner share MUST be of my own making, or hint that some personality deficiency of mine is to blame for the lack of my own ability to connect with another female; and could not possibly be caused by such influences such as society, the general nature of men and women, or the rarity of the female poly.
In short….it’s you dude.

As I have written these thoughts out in a form that I can re-read and examine in detail, the responses and counter responses….
…I have come to a rather startling epiphany.

It is beginning to become clear to myself that it is the WOMAN in the Male/Female/Male ‘V’ poly relationship that is taking advantage ( abuse? ) of basic, systemic realities of culture, anthropology and societal norms….to greatly enhance her own emotional and sexual well being; while having little or no sympathy and/or concern for the plight of the multitude of men who seek, desire and possibly rely on the poly female’s affection, attention and love.

When my partner reads that last paragraph….I sincerely hope there is a discussion….and not just a fight………wish me luck.

 

[tenK]

Also, why are you limiting yourself to "single women?" Why not date others who are married, like yourself? And, how long is it before you reveal that you are married? Were they meeting you in scenarios where a mono mindset is the defacto expectation?

This is what I'm thinking must be going on. As I said to another poster in a similar situation recently, you need to not bother investing time and energy looking for bread in the hardware store. Go to the bakery. The bakery is where the women who are already open to polyamory live. The hardware store is where women who've never even heard of polyamory live. There might be more women in the hardware store, but you don't want a monkey wrench, you want bread.

To address your main concern: I understand that dealing with this kind of envy is really hard. I've actually been there myself because my girlfriend is all kinds of hot, and is really good at connecting with people, in a way that isn't quite as easy for me to do. We are different people, so it stands to reason that one of the things that is different for us is how we attract other partners. The thing I realised early on though was that if I expected to do things the same way she does, or expect to have the same kinds of relationships in my life that she attracts, with her energy and way of seeing the world, then I'd be setting myself up for a mother load of pain. I think one of the most painful feelings I've had to deal with in the whole opening up process has been feeling envious and insecure in myself because of comparisons I'd been making between myself and my partner - my partner who I love so dearly, who loves me so completely. It's such a fucked up situation to be in, and I can understand wanting to slam the lid on that, I really can. But I think, as others do, that it's a matter of riding that storm out.

Even if you met a woman tomorrow who wanted to date you, it wouldn't even things up with your wife. After all, she's had a lot of interest. Probably has some relationships of her own that are more developed. This budding romance with this new woman in your life might fizzle out just because you are not so compatible - nothing to do with your status as a married man. That's just life. That's dating. It's never going to be 'even', even if you guys go back to sharing lovers. Even if you guys go back to monogamy. Because if you do close the door on her having other relationships, then what she is giving up is something more than what you are giving up - and that's unfair. Sorry. But thems the breaks. She might be willing to do that, because it sounds like you guys are close, but make no mistake about it - you are asking her to live with something as unfair as the situation you currently perceive. (And I agree with HappilyFallenAngel here: this really is about perception. So much of the pain you are feeling is self-generated. I know, because I did it to myself too).

So what to do about it? You are clearly unhappy, and I do think it's important that all parties 'get something out of poly' as you put it. It doesn't sound like you have an issue with polyamory in itself though. You say you don't get jealous, you feel happy that your wife is happy. The issue is that YOU WANT TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE, and you are not having any success in it. So therefore the solution is to GET BETTER AT DATING OTHER PEOPLE, not to quit polyamory (unilaterally, for the both of you) altogether. I think that's the logical disconnect that people on this thread are bumping up against here. Your proposed solution to icky feelings does not address those icky feelings in any reasonable way.

I get that there could be a cycle at work here though. Perhaps your lack of success in the face of your wife's success is hitting your self-esteem and ego pretty hard right now, and then that perpetuates into your behaviour when you meet new women. Maybe you come across as pushy or desperate, too keen to 'have what she has' immediately without realising the slow build-up that's required, or even not caring that much if you and the woman you are talking to are even that compatible, just wanting to get laid so things are 'fair' (word to the wise: women can smell that shit a mile off - it stinks).

Perhaps I am being overly harsh, and you really have just been unlucky about meeting good people you connect with though. And perhaps your wife, as wonderful as the picture you paint of her is, has been neglecting your relationship a bit in favour of others. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to slow down in her conquests - maybe even take a break from finding new partners for a while, and invest a bit more time and energy into your marriage. Perhaps that will provide you with a bit of a mental break and allow you to regain your confidence a little, and get a grip on feeling competitive about dating in your own time, enough for you to feel more like poly isn't taking anything away from you. Of course, at the end of the day, if you have already made your mind up that the only solution for you is to close your relationship then fair play to you. You have every right to decide what kind of relationship structure you want to participate in. Just remember that your wife has the same right, and that even if she decides you are more important than having the freedom to pursue others, that's also a sub-optimal solution (for her and her current lovers at least).

If it were me, I'd be leaning toward the more courageous option that has me dealing with my own insecurities without placing restrictions on others (or walking away if I truly knew I couldn't deal). Envy is an ugly emotion - we don't like looking it in the eye because it forces us to acknowledge things about ourselves that are unpleasant. However, once you do and get to grips with it, you don't have to do it ever again. I'd add that firmly in the bucket of 'benefits of an open relationship'.