New to LS and experiencing jealousy

[KitsuneGirl]

Hi,

Thank you for taking the time to read. My husband and I entered the poly LS back in late December/early January. Since than, we have found a couple that we are sharing our time and love with. My husband is seeing the woman and I am seeing her husband. Surprisingly, I am not jealous of her. There are occasions when I question why my husband doesn't want to do that with me, or why we can't get us time, but we talk and those are worked through with no problems. However, my jealousy is with her husband and one of his partners.

Prior to entering the relationship, I knew of his partners. He talked about them and they all seemed really awesome. I went into the relationship knowing what to expect. However, shortly after our relationship started, he mentioned someone else he had not told me about. He was wanting to meet her and get to know her. Our relationship had just started and he was pursuing another. It hurt very much. I did discuss this with him.

Since than, he has seen her a couple times. He also took things slower so as to not hurt me, and not to overwhelm himself with two new relationships at once. I did very much appreciate this. However, every time he mentions seeing her, or brings up a conversation concerning her, I start to hurt. He's informed me today that he is starting to view her romantically. That hurt so much.

I feel as though my feelings are not poly at all. I've no problem with his other partners. Not at all. Not with his wife, not with anyone. Just her. I don't understand why, and I don't understand why it hasn't gotten easier with the passing of time.

Thoughts? Advice? Anyone having similar experiences? I'm really at a loss right now.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I feel as though my feelings are not Poly at all.

There's no such thing as "poly feelings" other than openness to loving more than one person. Many people seem to be under the false premise that to be "truly poly," there must be no jealousy or difficulty in sharing love, but not only is there no such thing as "truly poly." There is also no such nebulous rule like: "No Jealousy Allowed." People in poly relationships certainly can and do feel jealousy. What sets more successful poly relationships apart from not-so-successful poly relationships is the willingness to be open and constructive about jealousy, not the absence of jealousy. You're poly if you can or do love more than one person and are willing to be open about it. The various feelings you encounter are just part of the adventure, not a vetting tool for who is and is not part of the so-called lifestyle.

That said, we're often quick to give advice here on how to explore and overcome jealous feelings, but I am more of the mind that jealousy is an alarm bell to be taken seriously. Feeling ashamed of jealousy or struggling to overcome it ignores that your intuition is communicating with you. At the very least, it's letting you know that this situation is going too far, too fast. So it's always a good call to slow down and take a broader perspective when jealousy bells start ringing. Sometimes we can work constructively through jealousy, but only if we respect the information that this feeling is calling to our attention.

 

[Marcus]

My husband and I have entered the poly LS back in late December/ early January.

LS = Life Style, that took me a minute to figure out. Generally speaking, polyamorous folk don't refer to being polyamorous as being a "lifestyle". I have seen this primarily done among swingers and BDSM practitioners.

For what it's worth.

It hurt very much... That hurt so much.

Jealousy is anxiety resulting from a perceived, potential future loss. That potential can be real or it can simply be fabricated because of our own insecurities. I agree with FallenAngelina in that we should approach jealousy as an alarm trying to tell us something. However, once we have taken a look at it we can determine if the anxiety is based in reality and we need to come to terms with it or it's a figment of our overactive imagination and we need to come to terms with it.

My only recommendation for coming to terms with it are: Constructively having a conversation about it when it comes up, and being patient with our emotional progression.

Prior to entering the relationship, I knew of his partners. He talked about them and they all seemed really awesome. I went into the relationship knowing what to expect [...] I've no problem with his other partners. Not at all. Not with his wife, not with anyone. Just her. I don't understand why and I don't understand why it hasn't been easier with the passing time.

The first thing is to realize why the two sets of people are impacting your state of mind differently. As you identified earlier in your post, you entered the association within the context of there already being other relationships. This new one is outside of that set of expectations and is something entirely new. There is no reason to expect that something new would impact our emotions the same as something that we expected and were prepared for.

The second thing is, have you met these new people? Mystery is usually antagonistic to security.

 

[Shaya]

LS = lifestyle. Thanks Marcus. I totally didn't see that.

Kitsune, I wonder if your jealousy stems from an original lack of disclosure from him. I get the feeling that when the two of you first started dating, this girl was merely someone he was interested in, but not seriously, which might be why he didn't mention her. However, from your perspective, the fact that he kept his feelings for her hidden from you might be making you question how much of his new-found affection for you is real. After all, whilst simultaneously claiming to have taken a shining new romantic interest in you, he also had similar feelings for a rival, whom he did not inform you about. I can see why that might sting.

I'm sure you've talked to him about how this all happened. Do you feel better with his explanation or do you feel something is still lacking? Or have I and others on this thread misread where the jealousy trigger comes from?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi KitsuneGirl,

Sorry to hear that you are hurting right now. I have some jealousy links in case it might be useful ...

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
Understanding jealousy
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Perhaps this man (your boyfriend) is moving too fast with this new woman. Another possibility is that he might be sharing too much about her. If you weren't hearing about her all the time, you might not hurt so much. Anyway, some thoughts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[StacyDLR]

KitsuneGirl,

I just want to let you know I related very much to what you're going through. I posted about a new serious relationship and how I experienced jealousy as my partner very quickly jumped into something new with someone else at the same time. I think people operate differently and while it's good to look at why you're experiencing jealousy (perhaps insecurities or fear), your shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Some of us like to focus in on one new thing at a time. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, or that it makes you a weaker person. You should talk about your feelings with him, but also be kind to yourself. You can decide if this doesn't feel right for you.

 

[alecia3220]

There's no such thing as "poly feelings" other than openness to loving more than one person. Many people seem to be under the false premise that to be "truly poly," there must be no jealousy or difficulty in sharing love. But not only is there no such thing as "truly poly," there is also no such nebulous rule like: "No Jealousy Allowed." People in poly relationships certainly can and do feel jealousy. What sets more successful poly relationships apart from not-so-successful poly relationships is willingness to be open and constructive about jealousy, not the absence of jealousy. You're poly if you can or do love more than one person and are willing to be open about it. The various feelings you encounter are just part of the adventure, not a vetting tool for who is and is not part of the so-called lifestyle.

That said, we're often quick to give advice here on how to explore and overcome jealous feelings, but I am more of the mind that jealousy is an alarm bell to be taken seriously. Feeling ashamed of jealousy, or struggling to overcome it, ignores that your intuition is communicating with you. At very least, it's letting you know that this situation is going too far, too fast. It's always a good call to slow down and take a broader perspective when jealousy bells start ringing. Sometimes we can work constructively through jealousy, but only if we respect the information that this feeling is calling to our attention.

I hope I'm allowed to comment even though I'm not poly. And yes, I know this post is old. But you never know when someone like me may stumble upon it.

Anyway, like I said, I am not poly, but would consider it. But shoot, it's hard enough finding ONE person who has the ability to be a good partner and doesn't bring their past baggage and a shit ton of issues into the relationship, let alone multiple people. I'd love to know where y'all are finding these people who are capable of having multiple healthy, stable relationships at once! Now I'm jealous! Lol.

Okay, but all joking aside, I had to comment on what this person said. Unless you have personal issues that cause you to be jealous, which you clearly don't, if it isn't something you normally feel in your relationships, then I agree, there is a reason that person and that relationship are making you feel that way. Our bodies have a great way of letting us know when something's not right. Unfortunately, it's SOOOO easy to get sucked in by all the good feelings that come with new relationships, that we ignore these warnings signs from our bodies.

When I was younger I'd often have premonition of future events, so much so, that any time I said something didn't feel right or was a bad idea my friends wouldn't do whatever it was. Because too many times I was right. I wouldn't know what it was, but I knew SOMETHING bad would happen. Now a couple times, I've had dreams about stuff before it happened, but that was literally less than a handful of times. Most of the time it was just a feeling. That was it! Still to this day, there are times when I can sense when something bad is going to happen. Or there are certain people, like my daughter's father, who I know when they're not doing right. Idk how or why, but it's this overwhelming feeling.

So, I say all that to say almost everyone experiences premonition to some extent or another. Most people just don't realize it. Like your jealousy could be trying to warn you about him and this relationship. Regardless, something is off... otherwise you wouldn't feel this way. Now it's up to you to figure out what is causing this feeling with him and her alone. But I'd use caution as you continue that relationship until you figure out what is causing this jealousy, which you said is abnormal for you. So I'd try to hone into those feelings and see where that takes you. Best of luck!