New to mono/poly and Blindsided

pwr2theladies

New member
What's up, yall. I am grateful to have found this site, which almost looks like a poly support site. If not, I'd like one. I'm just looking to join a community, to talk and feel less alone.

So, who am I and what's my history? I am a 38 year old straight male who is soft mono. (I'll explain.) My wife, also 38, and I have been married for 16 years in a monogamous loving relationship filled with gratitude, respect, trust. and we have the most wonderful 4 year old daughter.

About 3 months ago my wife tells me that she has discovered she is definitely bisexual. That was unexpected, but not shocking. She has a counselor who helps her. I was supportive and said, "I'm happy you told me and it's totally cool that you are this way." We are still loving in every way, which is all I need and want. She thanked me for my love and acceptance.

Now the juicy part. A few months later we go for a walk and she tells me that she needs to be her authentic self and explore this with a women. Then stated. "I don't think I'm wired for one person." But she was more polite than my quote.

My heart sank and so did my body. I dropped to my knees. Blindsided, thinking she is leaving me. What did I do? I am not enough. I can't offer her a fulfilling life. My awesome wife dropped down next to me, comforting me, filled with support.

She answered my emotion-filled questions, said that she still loved me so much and still wants to be my wife in every way. That I had not done anything and this was not about anything I did or didn't do.

Almost done, folks. Sorry. I told her all I want is her continued love and if this is what she needs, then ok. But it's gonna take work. I have never heard a more genuine thank you. She was so scared I was going to pull away and leave in anger.

Since then, I have researched many things and gained an even deeper respect for her bravery in telling me. She feels more connected as she held me as I cried the other night, grieving the end of the previous chapter of our relationship. I liked being the one for her.

There is a lot more, but that is all for now. Any questions for me, tips or simple conversation would be welcome and appreciated. I think it would help me.
 
Hi pwr2,

Yes, this is definitely a site to support polyamorous people, or those who are coupled with them. We're queer-friendly, kink-friendly and sex positive.

You can come here and rant and vent away, and ask any questions you may have about opening up your marriage to fulfill your wife's needs, if that's the way things are going.

I'm going to move your thread to the Poly Relationships section, where people go for advice and support for personal journeys.

Welcome aboard.
 
Yeah, thanks. So just a little more information to get y'all in my head.

It's only been a week since we had that walk and talk about her newly discovered desire for ethical non-monogamy.

Over the weekend I was a shell of a man, visibly upset. But I wasn't angry. My mind went to dark places where I imagined my wife leaving me. The very thought of that made me vomit. Even after everything i have no desire, none whatsoever, to separate or to stifle her needs.

My eyes watered continually throughout the weekend, but i didn't bawl. After looking at many articles and understanding more of what it actually is, I found one by a poly-friendly counselor who also talked about things a poly should know about what their long-time mono partner is likely going through. It was only then I realized what was happening. Look at the effects. I was depressed, had a sense of loss, watering eyes. I was afraid and was feeling extreme sadness. I was and am very fragile. Looking back, it was obvious.

I was grieving.

On Sunday we had a really good and long talk. She thanked me for seeing her and said that this feels exciting for her and it feels right.

I said I needed time. We are redefining our relationship and we need to be on the same page as possible, including emotionally. She was receptive when she found out we were not.

I wasn't excited. I was in pain. I felt a lot less secure in our relationship. She hasn't seen me cry very often. I told her that I wish I could make this more seamless of a transition, but then I uttered the words, "I'm sorry baby. I need help." That is when she pulled me close as we both wept and she loved me even more and she said she would not pursue anything until we were both ready. My wife is so wonderful.

We talked about my own relationship orientation, and many other things.

A lot of good things have happened since then and we are in the process of finding assistance. There is even more to say but I'll stop there..

Thanks y'all, if ya managed to read all that.
 
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Hello pwr2theladies,
Yes, we are here to support you. It's all voluntary, but I for one am eager to help when I can.

It's true, in transitioning from mono to poly, you will lose some of the specialness you used to have. No longer will you be your wife's "one and only." No longer will you be the one she thinks of when you're not there. You didn't do anything wrong, but you will have to get used to an entirely new kind of relationship with her. The old relationship is dead.

For what it's worth, I don't think your wife will leave you. But you will have to get used to a new kind of relationship with her, if you want to stay with her.

You need time to grieve. Don't rush that part of the process.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
The first step is to grieve your old relationship and visions you had for the future. This doesn’t mean you won’t have a very fulfilling and loving relationship, it just means it’s going to look different. The loss of what it used to look like and the fantasy of your future picture is real and must be grieved.

Then you start learning, together, about polyamory. Have deep, thought provoking conversations about what each of you wants (or think you want at the time as this may change several times throughout your journey) and how you can meet each other’s needs in the context of this new dynamic. Read books, listen to podcasts (I love multiamory) and really discuss the topics and points you just heard or read.

Never stop this step…..there’s always more to learn and your answers may change as you grow. You may start with your wife dating women. Over time, you might date as well and she might add men. Maybe nothing will change. Regardless, if you keep learning and growing, you will change how you do things, how you see things, and how you handle situations. In a year it will look totally different from now and in 5 years even more different from then. Just make sure you are doing it together and you’ll get the best out of your relationship.
 
Hi pwr,

Welcome to the forum.

Do you and your wife plan to be out and open about your new relationship dynamic to friends and family and coworkers? Not having friends or relatives to share in this grieving process can really compound the weight of the situation.

I found weekends away and work trips helpful. Got any hobbies that could provide an excuse to get out of town for a few days, to not have it in your face 24/7?
 
Hi pwr,

Welcome to the forum.

Do you and your wife plan to be out and open about your new relationship dynamic to friends and family and coworkers? Not having friends or relatives to share in this grieving process can really compound the weight of the situation.

I found weekends away and work trips helpful. Got any hobbies that could provide an excuse to get out of town for a few days, to not have it in your face 24/7?
Thanks, dinged and everyone else. Actually, since the weekend of mourning last week, everything has been going really well. We have talked more than we have in a while and are feeling stronger than ever.

My main issues of pain and sadness were that I really was less secure in our relationship and I thought my wife was leaving me. This is not the case. She still wants and needs me very much.

In fact, I've sling-shotted the other direction so quickly I'm continuing to surprise myself. We'll have an appointment with a poly-friendly counselor soon.

My wife and I have always been good at communicating, yet somehow we've gotten even better and it is surprising how comfortable I am with all this. I just wanna make sure we start on a good foundation.

Another surprise is that I've discovered I'm a bit of a hybrid. I'm calling it soft mono. I don't need to seek out another partner, but I am open to being wanted and my wife is fine with that.

Currently, we have no plans to involve family and most friends, as we are not looking for their validation and don't want their opinions interfering. My wife has made newer friends that supported her while she worked up the courage to tell me. I like them and they like me. Looking forward to getting to know them more.

It's continuing to surprise both of us, how comfortable I am with all this. I've been feeling good. I'm exercising, eating better, less stressed then even before I found out, and my desire for my wife has gone through the roof. I can't explain it. I'd like to keep talking to y'all, though.
 
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Hi pwr2theladies,

Thanks for that update. It sounds like things have really turned around for you, things are much better now, I am happy to hear that. I hope you and your wife will continue to communicate, and to build a solid foundation for this new type of relationship. You both need each other, and that is the most important thing to remember.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks dinged and everyone else. Actually since the weekend of mourning last week everything has been going really well. We have talked more than we have in a while and are feeling stronger than ever.

My main issues of pain and sadness was that I really was less secure in our relationship and I though my wife was leaving me.

This is not the case. She still wants and needs me very much.

In fact, I ve slingshotted the other direction so quickly I'm continuing to surprise myself. We have an appointment with a poly friendly counselor soon.

MY wife and i have always been good at communicating yet somehow we gotten even better and it is surprising how comfortable I am with all this. I just wanna make sure we start on a good foundation.

Another surprise is that I've discovered i'm a bit of a hybrid. Im calling soft mono. I dony need to seek out another partner but i am open to being wanted and my wife is fine with that

Currently we have no plans to involve family and most friends as we are not looking for their validation and don't want their opinions interfering. My wife has made newer friends that supported her while she worked up courage to tell me. I like them and they like me. Looking forward to getting to know them more.

It's contuing to surprise both of us, how comfortable I am with all this. I ve been feeling good. Exercising, eating better, less stressed then even before i found out, and my desire for my wife has gone through the roof. I can't explain it

Would like to keep talking to yall though
Sounds like things are moving in the right direction. Just be aware that feelings have a mind of their own. When I transitioned I went quickly from "Everything is awesome," to "I'm not sure if I can handle this"… All while knowing it was what I wanted and feeling solid in my relationships. Even a seasoned poly person can have feelings come up that you have to deal with. I’m not saying this to be negative at all… more of a heads-up. Nothing's worse than riding that, “This is awesome! I’m happy, secure and loving this!” only to be blindsided by unwanted feelings. Acknowledge them, feel them, try to figure out what the root of them is and talk to your partner about them and you’ll do just fine.
 
I can empathise with what you are feeling. A few months ago, my wife expressed feelings for her best friend. It hit me like a truck, because she had never expressed any interest in another woman before. I tore myself apart for two months and shed plenty of tears, but decided to stop worrying about all of the "what ifs" and let her explore her feelings.

I still struggle sometimes, and mourn the loss of the "marriage that was." But all things considered, it has been a net positive. We are all much happier than we were before. My wife assures me that having a "wife" in no way replaces her need for a husband. I still have reservations and bad feelings sometimes, but it is getting easier for me as time goes by.
 
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