New to Poly Amory - Experiences, Thoughts, Feelings and Questions

O

OneSoul

New member
New to Poly Amory - Experiences, Thoughts, Feelings and Questions

New to this space... Male, Young, Athletic, Well Traveled, Well Read, Spiritual.

HISTORY:

I have never been in a Poly-Amor relationship... or maybe I have.

I've been cheated on, I've been the guy who someone cheated with on someone else,

I've been in an open thing out of chance / accident / some choice - To shed more light.

THIS IS HOW THE THOUGHTS FIRST CAME ABOUT:

I was not committed to anyone person and was openly dating people. Met this girl at a club, we danced close (like a body wrap) and we flirted and talked about getting together (naughty, flirty conversations)..

Fast forward 1 month and a few short phone calls & flirting and logistical time / sched issues... We finally meet.

Dinner at her place, watching a DVD, and so on.. 3 am we are naked in bed. As we lie in each other arms.. We find out we're both casually dating several other people as well (at different levels / stages).

Given that I did not want to be tied down or committed at the time I was up only for a Casual Thing. She was doing the same (dating few people) but that night mentioned that she would rather just be with me... if at all I would indulge, based on how I was... Funny thing is THAT night itself she said she'd love to just be with me and not date other people if I chose so.

We kept in touch, met on & off.. Busy schedules, travel, etc. Over the time we dated I developed 'feelings' for her, but I did not like the clinginess and drama and SET expectations, schedules & drama that comes with a committed relationship.

Note: I HATE the DRAMA that a lot of committed relationships bring.

She would tell me "She loves me" several times.. I felt something but did not want to commit and/ or say those words. Once, it came out from within.. I said it.. I meant it. But I still did not want to be tied down, and more so.. Our time schedule & my travel logistics would not be ideal for a monogamous committed relationship.

The thing I realized about myself was I could hardly ever just be CASUAL. I CARE. I BEGIN TO CARE & LOVE. Poly-dating became amory at some level. I moved cities, but we talk once in a blue moon.

EXPERIENCE: LOVE, CARE & COMPASSION FOR MORE THAN ONE:

Whats funny is that I began to feel similar LOVE & CARE feelings for all the few women I was dating (as yet non sexual with some but flirty / romantic etc.). My dating multiple women & maybe just wanting casual relations and / or casual fuck buddies was not really want I wanted. I was just trying to not fall in love with one person (too much singular attachment & drama).

DEVELOPMENT: BRINGING IN THE NOTION OF BEING TOGETHER BUT STILL FREE:

Now, bringing up OTHER PEOPLE would have been wierd for me as well as her... at the get go. We were barely establishing our OWN chemistry. NO LIES WERE TOLD! by HER or by ME. No Commitments were made by her or me.

As I said, it might not have happened - we might not have made such good friends & lovers if we had "pre-diverted" into "other people chemistry" v/s "our chemistry".

I know, its kinda of on the edge, but i'm simply sharing a real life experience.

The thing is most people would probably love & accept Poly-A as long as they are assured & be secure of themselves & others .. Its the introduction BIT that can just cause RUFFLES... the anxiety & the fears of no CONTRACT of 100% Monogamy

Its the same place where a man & woman would choose to be Fuck Buddies / or Booty Calls but they would not have talked about THAT from the GET GO.. in EXPLICIT statements..

They build their chemistry as it comes... FBs, FwBs, Casual Dating / Short term Relationships, Open Dating / Open Relationships, Amorous / PolyAmorous, Exclusive Committed Monogamours ... Wherever it goes...

YOUR THOUGHTS?

SELF AWARENESS, SPIRITUALITY, PHILOSOPHY & SELF-FREEDOM & SELF-LOVE, UNIVERSAL LOVE:

I feel LOVE is FREEDOM. Being in LOVE is like FEELING FREE, FEELING UNAFRAID, FEELING NAKED - Mind, Body, Soul.

LOVE is not about TIED YOURSELF or SOMEONE ELSE DOWN.. to LIMITS, EXPECTATIONS & CONDITIONS .. YOU SET.

I know both because my experiences on the Spirtual Side with the DIVINE have no limits, expectations or CONDITIONS.. It is UNCONDITIONAL.. and ALL ACCEPTING.

The opposite is where some gets upset, nasty, angry & even devious for no reason in a so called monogamous love relationship when small trivial elements / mistakes / misunderstandings happen.

That is the whole point of LOVE.. To LOVE & ACCEPT someone AS THEY ARE.. ALL THEIR POSITIVES & NEGATIVES... Not just at the beginning of a relationship.. during a HIGH.. but throughout.. later.. when the Highs dont exist.. and a certain stability sets in.. (hopefully its not monotony).

ITS NOT ABOUT LOVING SOMEONE ELSE, BUT IN "INVOKING" INSIDE OF YOU.. A FEELING OF LOVE.

YOUR TRUE NATURE is LOVE, PEACE & JOY.

Why not be it? Why set limits, fears, conditions & expectations?

ANYWAYS... Thats me & my thoughts.

I AM CURIOUS HOW SOMEONE GOES ABOUT SETTING UP A POLY AMOR / LOVE thing from the GET GO without having to CONVINCE SOMEONE.. or DEAL with the DRAMA.. or...

CRITICAL QUESTION: At what stage in the DEVELOPMENT of that INTERACTION do you go DEEPER... into Poly & Related thoughts without hampering the progress of the initial chemistry build up.

MORE SO... FIND SOMEONE who ... WOULD ACCEPT OR ALREADY LOVES THIS MINDSET.
 
Last edited:
Well you won't be told to edit your post for punctuation and paragraph breaks, that's one thing I'm sure of.
 
OneSoul said:
Might I add... Pretty articulate, as well.
Click to expand...
Many initial posts are one huge paragraph. You went way in the other direction. Not bad or anything, just different.

CRITICAL QUESTION: At what stage in the DEVELOPMENT of that INTERACTION do you go DEEPER... into Poly & Related thoughts without hampering the progress of the initial chemistry build up.
Click to expand...
Some people have said that by the third date you should have the poly talk. Some people say that in more modern dating, nonmonogamy is assumed until it is talked about. And when it is talked about, that is when the poly talk comes out.

Personally, I lean towards telling them once it starts to look like you want to keep dating the person. So it may take a few dates to know if you have the right chemistry.

One exception for me is that since I am married, I don't want to give the impression I am cheating. So I am up front from the beginning. (Oddly, more people are accepting of cheating than polyamory.)

The tougher wuestion ishow to present polyamory when it is time for the "ralk."
 
Quath said:
Some people have said that by the third date you should have the poly talk. Some people say that in more modern dating, nonmonogamy is assumed until it is talked about. And when it is talked about, that is when the poly talk comes out.
Click to expand...

Really? Because I am 30 (not THAT far from "modern" dating) and I always found that it was MONOGAMY which was expected. I'd go on two dates with a guy and he'd introduce me as his girlfriend. This always confused me and is what led to being a serial monogamist. I thought this was what was expected, what was normal, so this was what I had to be.

I'm also married so I have to be upfront from the beginning I guess. Though I have no experience with someone who doesn't know me as a married woman. So I'm sure I'll be questioning this myself should it happen.
 
I am guessing it depends on how many pre conceived bindings and stipulations we come in with?

At the moment I am not seeing anyone.. Spent 1.5/2 years being Celibate after an era of varying experiences.

In my case, I am probably not thinking Poly or Mono from the start. Probably just imply & be clear about casual dating... and let the energies take things forward... Whether it becomes FBs, FwBs, Casual Dating or more preferably the former ones turning deeper into more caring, loving... Polys.

The thing is, I doubt I'd be comfortable sharing my views on / even considering any kind of mono or poly relationship until certain boundaries have been crossed. Its my inner life.. and to get to it.. you've got to deserve it.. earn it.

I give the same respect to the other person as well.

Having noticed young people dating these days.. I think Monogamy is almost never in tow until after the dating becomes more regular... (chemistry is established.. and now before it gets serious the commitment is questioned).

Funny thing is I was shocked to see how some suppossedly morally traditional women would play the field as well to get the max bang for the bucks out in the market.
 
XYZ123 said:
Really? Because I am 30 (not THAT far from "modern" dating) and I always found that it was MONOGAMY which was expected. I'd go on two dates with a guy and he'd introduce me as his girlfriend. This always confused me and is what led to being a serial monogamist. I thought this was what was expected, what was normal, so this was what I had to be.

I'm also married so I have to be upfront from the beginning I guess. Though I have no experience with someone who doesn't know me as a married woman. So I'm sure I'll be questioning this myself should it happen.
Click to expand...

Some people have said that by the third date you should have the poly talk. Some people say that in more modern dating, nonmonogamy is assumed until it is talked about. And when it is talked about, that is when the poly talk comes out.

Personally, I lean towards telling them once it starts to look like you want to keep dating the person. So it may take a few dates to know if you have the right chemistry.
Click to expand...

I think Mono is what is wanted by people in the LONG RUN. But that is typically after people have played their field.. or do not have the opportunity/ ability to be playing the field.

i.e. Mono Commitment does not come right away/ upfront. In fact I know of women who would want Mono at the get go after first night... But would not hesitate to scope other opportunities & multi task big time.. Kinda seems like "shopping" for best buck.

Both sexes seem to PLAY the FIELD.. IF THEY CAN!... If you can milk it, do so.

If you cant then do what you can to get what you can.

Which is why it kinda scares me to put my feelings on the line.. until I know what LIES BENEATH in that person.
 
Last edited:
An unlikely defender

:eek:
OneSoul said:
I think Mono is what is wanted by people in the LONG RUN. But that is typically after people have played their field.. or do not have the opportunity/ ability to be playing the field.

.
Click to expand...

If you think polyamory is about "playing a field" or not what some people want in the long run, then you either don't understand polyamory or have never met a truly polyamorous person.

I am completely monogamous and have a long monogamous history in marraige. Redpepper has alos been married for a considerable time, part of that mongamously. The three of us are not looking for monogamy in the long run because at the bare minimum that means someone loses out.

Even I don't want us to be monogamous because that would take away from her primary relationship and hurt her husband and son, both of which I care about intensley. We do want our poly relationship forever and are putting ourselves out there to achieve it.

Poly is not about searching. Poly is about loving more than one person and sharing for periods of our lives whether they be long or short. Everyone wants something differerent.

Living poly may be a stage...being poly is not.

And yet, I still find it hard to swallow.....luckily my heart is in the lead :D
 
In fact I think the primary reason for people seeking Mono Commitments is ..Security, Stability & Predictability. Its easier managed. But its not Mono they really want.. They want the assurance of S, S & P that comes with it.

But, true security can only come from within... No matter how much someone assures you, you have to love yourself from within to be secure.

MonoVCPHG said:
:eek:

If you think polyamory is about "playing a field" or not what some people want in the long run, then you either don't understand polyamory or have never met a truly polyamorous person.


I am completely monogamous and have a long monogamous history in marraige. Redpepper has alos been married for a considerable time, part of that mongamously. The three of us are not looking for monogamy in the long run because at the bare minimum that means someone loses out.

Even I don't want us to be monogamous because that would take away from her primary relationship and hurt her husband and son, both of which I care about intensley. We do want our poly relationship forever and are putting ourselves out there to achieve it.

Poly is not about searching. Poly is about loving more than one person and sharing for periods of our lives whether they be long or short. Everyone wants something differerent.

Living poly may be a stage...being poly is not.

And yet, I still find it hard to swallow.....luckily my heart is in the lead :D
Click to expand...

I never said Polyamory is about playing the field.
I said, I see and note in the dating world what makes people jump from one to the other... the way people play... without knowing why they do so. Extremely unaware.

There are those that LATCH on to the security of a Mono Commitment in hopes of consistency. Some are too insecure to be alone or try & play the field .. or be honest to their poly inclinations..
They are those who PLAY with non committed poly gamy.. Enjoy the field without feelings.. aka Casual Sex & Casual / Short term things..
There are those who are serially mono.. but jump ship to ship to ship.. looking for something that can never be found..
A mix of several above things & what not..

Poly does not mean that you have to raise kids together .. does it? For some it does.. right?

I'd say.. being POLY is our nature. For each an expression of that may vary. We love our friends, partners, family, co workers, strangers.
We LOVE to LOVE.

So what is Poly?
It breaks through all norms of what can be called LOVE.

The question is.. do most people even know what LOVE is?

Love is not something to do with the other person.
Love is not a feeling.
Love is not something WE DO.
Love is our NATURE. Our True Nature..

When we allow that to come through...dont hide / resist our true nature, it makes us feel elated.
When it becomes part of us 24/7... then we are like a Buddha or Jesus or Krishna... who loves everyone & everything & entire universe unconditionally everywhere.

Love is the inner essence that rises within us... When you see an attractive person (whatever your orientation) the essence that rises is LOVE... and then when you want to POSSESS that person.. Own that person... that is NOT LOVE.

The same happens when you see a lovely scene in nature (sunset, mountains, beaches ..etc) or a little child or something Attractive..

Love is the feeling of BELONGING, yet one of FREEDOM.

When you FEEL LOVE.. You feel FREE.. Like a Bird.. Formless.. Free.. Like a Cloud.. Like the Wind.. Like a Bird..
 
Last edited:
Welcome to the forum

Hello, no time to really comment, but I wanted to say welcome and I look forward to your participation on the forum.
 
Hi 1Soul:

As often happens when a person is standing outside of a situation, the "answer" to the heart of your question seems straightforward to me, so I'm going to address it in a straightforward way.

OneSoul said:
I AM CURIOUS HOW SOMEONE GOES ABOUT SETTING UP A POLY AMOR / LOVE thing from the GET GO . . . without having to CONVINCE SOMEONE . . .
Click to expand...
By knowing what you want and communicating your intentions and desires clearly from the get-go. This allows everyone involved to know what you want and to make informed choices. If the person you're interested in is unfamilar with the concept(s) of poly, you may need to answer questions. But ultimately, if you're clear from the beginning that you want a polyamorous relationship, potential partners will either accept that and continue developing the potential, or not (in which case they were not the best match for you anyway.)

OneSoul said:
. . .or DEAL with the DRAMA.. or...
Click to expand...
Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but people come with issues, and for everyone I know, issues erupt into drama sometimes. It's part of the human condition. The extent, depth, and duration of dramatic episodes depends on how effectively the issues are addressed.

I hope my straightforward approach does not rub you the wrong way. Good luck to you and happy hunting. I hope you find what you're looking for.
 
OneSoul said:
When you see an attractive person (whatever your orientation) the essence that rises is LOVE.
Click to expand...

I'm going to beg to differ on this one...I don't think love is the feeling that arises simply from seeing an attractive person without knowing them and based soley on a physical assessment..I think it is more commonly, "damn that's a nice ass" or "boy I'd like to fuck them".

What arises when you see a physically unattractive person....hate?
 
My last comment came off a bit strong I think. The idea of someone associating immediate sexual attraction with love triggers some of my personal self awareness stuff.


From Redpepper - she doesn't think monogamy is what people want in the long run so much as fidelity. We want to know people will be there for us, committed to us, and honest with us.

Take care and I hope my comments have not come off as too direct. We are going through a touchy time with coming out to the remainder of family in the area and are all a little raw.

Peace and love
Mono
 
Fidelia said:
Hi 1Soul:

As often happens when a person is standing outside of a situation, the "answer" to the heart of your question seems straightforward to me, so I'm going to address it in a straightforward way.

By knowing what you want and communicating your intentions and desires clearly from the get-go. This allows everyone involved to know what you want and to make informed choices. If the person you're interested in is unfamilar with the concept(s) of poly, you may need to answer questions. But ultimately, if you're clear from the beginning that you want a polyamorous relationship, potential partners will either accept that and continue developing the potential, or not (in which case they were not the best match for you anyway.)

Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but people come with issues, and for everyone I know, issues erupt into drama sometimes. It's part of the human condition. The extent, depth, and duration of dramatic episodes depends on how effectively the issues are addressed.

I hope my straightforward approach does not rub you the wrong way. Good luck to you and happy hunting. I hope you find what you're looking for.
Click to expand...

Which is why the conscious must rise because the unconscious is driven by reaction.

People are not their thoughts & emotions. They think they are and it brings them all kinds of sadness. (Peaceful Warrior).

MonoVCPHG said:
I'm going to beg to differ on this one...I don't think love is the feeling that arises simply from seeing an attractive person without knowing them and based soley on a physical assessment..I think it is more commonly, "damn that's a nice ass" or "boy I'd like to fuck them".

What arises when you see a physically unattractive person....hate?
Click to expand...

No. I am not talking in terms of just an attractive person. I am talking about anything that causes and EXPANSION in your consciousness.

Lovely breeze, a graceful dancer, a cute child, an unattractive person with a genuine laugh on their face... A sunset or mountains... or beach.. A nostalgic thought..

Anything that causes that RISE in your consciousness.. EXPANSION. That is love.

Trying to hold on to it.. Is not. That is possession.
For the exact same reason that you can Enjoy the HUG of someone but give it another 10-20 minutes and you want a break.

Maybe this kind of talk is gonna be understood once you get the SPIRITUAL NOTION of the word love... Not the limited "love" we use in our inter-personal relations.

MonoVCPHG said:
My last comment came off a bit strong I think. The idea of someone associating immediate sexual attraction with love triggers some of my personal self awareness stuff.

From Redpepper - she doesn't think monogamy is what people want in the long run so much as fidelity. We want to know people will be there for us, committed to us, and honest with us.

Take care and I hope my comments have not come off as too direct. We are going through a touchy time with coming out to the remainder of family in the area and are all a little raw.

Peace and love
Mono
Click to expand...

Nope :) None taken.

That wanting to have SEX is not LOVE. But it comes from the place of LOVE.

What is love.. to Belong, to Unite, to Re-Unite, to Re-connect with the OWN SELF.. where there is no time, space or thoughts.

Why for one moment of orgasm do we crave so much? Ever thought about it...?

Its the moment where we are NO MIND, NO SEPARATION, NO THOUGHTS, NO ME, NO YOU... No sense of past or future.

NO... I am. You Are..

In that VERY MOMENT.. You are just BEING.. in that NOW..

Here, Now, without any thoughts, labels, ideas, past or future.
IMMERSED INTO THE MOMENT.

The same happens when you see a lovely scene.. etc.. The above conditions.
 
:D For the record...One Soul...I understand our communication issues a bit better now. We have different spirituality approaches to love in general. I don't think either is more developed or expansive. I think we are simply different in our world approach to connection. This is nothing new for me within the poly forums or the poly community I associate in. I often find myself on different wave lengths. Then again I am not poly so go figure :eek:
 
OneSoul:

If you choose to quote me in the future, please do so accurately, including enough pericopy for a reader to follow the point. Leaving out the quotations to which I was responding, as you have done here, makes the point less than clear.
 
Fidelia said:
OneSoul:
. Leaving out the quotations to which I was responding, as you have done here, makes the point less than clear.
Click to expand...

The software automatically does that. It only preserves quotes one level deep. It erases quotes within quotes. In order to do that, you have to put them in manually or go back to the parent post and multi-quote them.

Maybe this is something the admin can tweak, since I belong to other forums that use this VBulletin software and they do multigenerational quotes all the time.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top