New to poly, new to performance anxiety.

Newobsession

New member
Hi, brand new to this poly thing. Having a rough transition from mono (though it certainly could be worse)

Wife has a long distance boyfriend, they text all day, she gets all hot and bothered and at night I get laid.

Until about two nights ago when we were getting intimate I just kept losing my erection as jealous thoughts would enter my mind during the moment.

I am trying to stop focusing on how he turns her on like I never could. But , damnit, it's hard.

I have never had a problem with getting/maintaining an erection, has anyone else experienced something similar?

What can I do to let go of this anxiety?

After and during initial shock and pain of hearing about her relationship (it was a secret that she came to me and told me about) The sex we were having was amazing, and healing.

I want my mojo back!
 

zigzag

New member
Really try hard not to compare yourself to someone else. In my experience other lovers will be different, not better, not worse, just different.

How do you know he turns her on like you never could? Has she told you this, are is it just what you have imagined?

Try and concentrate on what you and your wife do that you both enjoy. I know my wife's lover does things for her and to her that I don't, can't or don't want to. I also know he enjoys her doing things that I don't particularly enjoy and I enjoy things he doesn't. Therefore when we make love its unique, what she and her lover do is not my concern beyond the fact that she is happy.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Yes, work on your jealousy and cut yourself some slack. Most of us have been in your shoes one way or another and many come to be more at ease re: jealousy. You can, too.

Having been a "receiver" in this situation, I'll say that what makes a wonderful sexual connection for me is being with an emotionally present partner, not being with a hard dick. I've been with hard dicks that get the job done in so many technical ways, but the relationship was short lived because there was no juice for me. I understand that men are extremely attached to the particulars of their penises, but most women I know do not put nearly as much emphasis on that. Most women want to know that they are desired and appreciated and a hard penis is but one of many ways to convey this. The key ingredient of lovely sex is presence. You don't have to look soulfully into each other's eyes, but genuine interest in your partner and an open heart contribute way more to creating a lovely sexual experience than sustaining or even getting an erection. Being completley present with a partner is way, way, way sexier than any erection I've ever been with.

I think sometimes it is challenging for men to deeply receive since everything you are taught is about providing. Your body may very well be communicating to you that it's time for you to come to some new understandings about sexual interaction. If you look at the situation this way, what an opportunity you have right now to get more balance going in your life and change all sorts of aspects, not just your sex life. Your friend the erection will return for sure, but use this time to invite more into your world that will fortify your sexual relationships (and your entire life) for years to come.
 
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central

Member
Keep in mind that since they're long distance, the texting they do is romancing her mind which is the most important sex organ. You are there physically, but what are you doing to focus her erotic thinking on you as well?
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
She is high on NRE and you reap the benifit! That is the way of things. It does not mean she loves him more. I am in a long distance relationship with my new boyfriend too and we used to be the same.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
All of the above, but also, are you feeling neglected by her since she is doing nothing but texting him "all day?" If the texting is seeming excessive for you, you could tell her your feeling.

A benefit of NRE for you is her increased sex drive. A downside is to feel like you're nothing but a present vessel for her overspill of lust for someone else.

Her NRE will pass, but it's a rough time right now for you, especially since this all started as a secret affair.
 

bassman

New member
You can pleasure here in more ways than just your penis. Why not give her orgasms in other ways?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
The issue isn't really his penis, it's his new upsetting feelings affecting the happiness of the little guy. The problem isn't mechanics, not a physical problem, but a social/interpersonal one. That needs to be dealt with. Time and repetition, getting used to sharing his wife, will take care of some of it. But presently open communication and perhaps some boundaries around getting more quality time instead of seeming like he's second best, second choice, should help.

People new to poly, the one actually experiencing the infatuation, the twitterpation, need to understand how their excitement over the new partner affects the feelings of the original partner. The new person can become an obsession, leading one to forget the sterling qualities of the other for a while. It's not just up to the OP to "work on his jealousy." It takes finesse on his wife's part too!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
...what makes a wonderful sexual connection for me is being with an emotionally present partner, not being with a hard dick. I've been with hard dicks that get the job done in so many technical ways, but the relationship was short lived because there was no juice for me. I understand that men are extremely attached to the particulars of their penises, but most women I know do not put nearly as much emphasis on that. Most women want to know that they are desired and appreciated and a hard penis is but one of many ways to convey this. The key ingredient of lovely sex is presence. You don't have to look soulfully into each other's eyes, but genuine interest in your partner and an open heart contribute way more to creating a lovely sexual experience than sustaining or even getting an erection. Being completely present with a partner is way, way, way sexier than any erection I've ever been with.

Angel, you tend to make sweeping generalizations about "what WE women want" based on your own preferences and experiences. Personally, I like a good hard dicked man, and I do feel disappointed when a lover can't get or maintain an erection during sex. Sure, I am nice about it, and patient when the penis is too flaccid, especially with older lovers (men over 40), but I do get more turned on if my male lover is hard. It's nicer, for ME (notice I do not say "we") to suck a hard cock, and also, fucking is great and can't be accomplished with a flaccid penis.

Not that I am opposed to him fingering me, giving me oral, using a toy, but I would certainly want to do what I could to help my man be as hard as possible during any sex session! Just blowing it off as if it doesn't matter doesn't work for me.

So, whether psychology needs work, or it's a body health issue (calling for an ED medication) I prefer not to sweep the problem under the rug and say his "emotional presence" is all that matters. In this case, the lack of emotional reassurance is causing an emotional distance leading to the soft sad cock. You can't just tell him to work on his jealousy, GET PRESENT somehow (when his wife is neglecting him), and stop being such a silly guy, focusing on the erection!
 

bassman

New member
Magdyln, you are right, it is of course connected to the guys feelings and so on as well, and yes, that is the problem of course. And i agree it will get better when he feels more comfortable going forwards and gets used to the idea.

But my suggestions was imagining that if there is a feeling of wanting to please your partner, a penis is not the only way.
 

Newobsession

New member
Thank you!

Wow, I had no idea this much response would come my way.

For the record, I do not feel neglected by my wife. I am away from the house 5 days a week from 7AM to 7PM working. Sure there is some resentment there that I am out providing and she is at home doing what she is doing (she is a SAHM) but the fact is: I have all of the support I need to be successful in my career, my kid is well adjusted and I am having the best sex of my life. She does take time to text me during the day, sure he gets more, but I get to see her every evening and I could not possibly keep up with that level of interaction while I am working.

I feel closer to her than I ever have, more vulnerable, more connected. I must admit though, those moments occasionally get interrupted by little pangs (the wibbles?).

The erection problem is gone for now, possibly with some supplemental assistance (yohimbe). Concentrating on being present helped significantly, along with some new adventurous things we are trying in the bedroom

So, this is all so fresh, 3 weeks today is when she let me know about what was going on. What followed was reading, this forum, tons of communication and a bunch of tears. I think we are probably doing remarkably well considering, and do appreciate that the healing/acceptance of this change may not always be a linear progression.

I find myself now wondering what is the real reason I am considering polyamory as an option. For the most part it's because I feel like it has made my spouse more whole as a person. She has always been an amazing lady, but at odds with her sexuality, now she has come into it. Yay for her.

I must say, however, that a significant part of the reason I am trying to make myself OK with the idea of sharing her with another man is that I am enjoying the sex. If the sex wasn't there any more for she and I, would I still want her to explore this relationship with him? I don't even know if that question needs to be answered right now.

In the meantime I am riding the NRE and loving it.
 
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FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Glad to hear it new. I hope you stick around and keep us updated. Three weeks is but a millisecond in life - so very much lies ahead. :)
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
That's good, you sound remarkably confident for a newbie.

Being new to polyamory is a rollercoaster, so expect lows. Maybe when she actually starts fucking her new guy. But, for now, enjoy the ride and the SEX! (I love good sex.)
 

vanquish

New member
I think a mix of Mag's and HappilyFallenAngel's approach sounds good. Yes, you can work around the issue temporarily, but you want to address and fix the problem. Don't see using medicine as a failure. But dont use it as a crutch when there are emotional issues too.

Kevin/kdt26417 hit the nail on the head with those jealousy links. Those helped me IMMENSELY when I first hit potholes in the road of polyamory.

My own two cents...jealousy is the fear that something you have now will be lost. Whether it's sex, time, attention, or support...the fear is that it's leaving you. And the simplistic answer is that communication of these fears is the only way to conquer it. You don't think that you're measuring up to what he puts in her head? Ask her. If she loves you, she'll be honest and you can go from there.

Self-esteem seems to be another issue for you. What else do you have going on in your life that you can be proud of? Hobbies? Your career? Charitable work? Do you do things that give you purpose, thereby giving you self-esteem? Do you have issues from the past with family or lovers not appreciating you enough? You've got to think about it.

Also, remember that polyamory may not be for you. It's ok to say that it makes you uncomfortable. You can't expect your partner to just change her ways, but if it's excruciating for you then you have to decide if you want to put yourself through it. Perhaps there is another love out there for you who can exist within your needs.
 
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