New to poly

Godfather76

New member
I feel like I don't really even know what to put here except that my wife and I are discussing adding a poly aspect to our relationship.

I am a nerd. Proudly so. But this leaves my wife hanging (sometimes sexually, sometimes otherwise), and I feel like she needs more of me and I need less of her. If this makes sense, I am doing ok. In this way, poly seems to be the answer. However, my ex-wife cheated on me and I have issues (some of which, as I have mentioned in another thread, are actually being resolved through this open of a process between my wife and myself) with allowing another person close enough to do that.

I am exhilarated by the aspect of her going out to explore and then coming home to me relaxed and able to enjoy what I am able to give instead of what she needs from me. I need a "pinch hitter," so-to-speak.

I love her intensely and she deserves this.

As for me, I am interested in being polyamorous myself, down the road. After I have had a chance to work out loving myself, I will be able to love in a way that I would also need the same exploration I will have been allowing my wife.
I am having trouble, however, putting my reasons into words. If anyone has any of their reasons to share, maybe it would give me some guidance as to why I feel so exhilarated but cannot, for the life of me, say why.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Just to clarify, is she needing "more" in the sexual department or the emotional department? That distinction is important. How would you feel about her falling in love with your pinch hitter? How would you feel about him moving in with you, if things work out really well between them? Not that this is inevitable, but it's something you may want to consider and discuss, because it could be a possibility down the road.

My concern here is that you're looking at polyamory as a way to fix something that's missing in your marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work that way. In general, whatever is not working between spouses will be not-working-even-worse if they explore polyamory without dealing with those problems first.

There's no clean and easy solution to the problem of an unbalanced relationship, and certainly it's not as easy as "she'll just go out and get a boyfriend." If she's anything like me, it's not simply that she wants "more attention" it's that she wants "more attention from you." Trust me, I've been in her shoes. Hubby works on the road and I get lonely a lot. It's crossed my mind to just fill in the hole with some other toy, but I know deep down, that won't fill the void.

What I've been doing to fill that void is trying to meet more friends. Just friends. I'm lonely because I sit at home too much, by myself. Oh sure, when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself, I say it's because my husband works on the road and I never see him. But let's get real. If I was single and lonely, I couldn't blame anyone but me, and I would have to find my own solution. Why should getting married give you an automatic scapegoat for not dealing with your personal issues?

And if it's just your sex drives that are unbalanced, well that's what vibrators are for... Married men across the country are forced to get themselves off every night as their wives pretend to be sleeping (something I'll never understand, but I digress)... why should exceptionally horny women be any different?
 

Godfather76

New member
Just to clarify, is she needing "more" in the sexual department or the emotional department? That distinction is important. How would you feel about her falling in love with your pinch hitter? How would you feel about him moving in with you, if things work out really well between them? Not that this is inevitable, but it's something you may want to consider and discuss, because it could be a possibility down the road.

My concern here is that you're looking at polyamory as a way to fix something that's missing in your marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work that way. In general, whatever is not working between spouses will be not-working-even-worse if they explore polyamory without dealing with those problems first.

There's no clean and easy solution to the problem of an unbalanced relationship, and certainly it's not as easy as "she'll just go out and get a boyfriend." If she's anything like me, it's not simply that she wants "more attention" it's that she wants "more attention from you." Trust me, I've been in her shoes. Hubby works on the road and I get lonely a lot. It's crossed my mind to just fill in the hole with some other toy, but I know deep down, that won't fill the void.

What I've been doing to fill that void is trying to meet more friends. Just friends. I'm lonely because I sit at home too much, by myself. Oh sure, when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself, I say it's because my husband works on the road and I never see him. But let's get real. If I was single and lonely, I couldn't blame anyone but me, and I would have to find my own solution. Why should getting married give you an automatic scapegoat for not dealing with your personal issues?

And if it's just your sex drives that are unbalanced, well that's what vibrators are for... Married men across the country are forced to get themselves off every night as their wives pretend to be sleeping (something I'll never understand, but I digress)... why should exceptionally horny women be any different?

Love the name! I am a math student because I want to be a theoretical physicist. It's both sexually and emotionally. And it's not that we're not providing it, it's that humans are animals, but we are animals with cognition who are capable of love. I would have no issues with her falling in love with someone else, humans should love as much as they can. Our relationship is primary and to be kept intact, but what happens in polyamory would only allow us the freedom to love to the best of our abilities, not tied to one person who deprives us of things because society says so.
 

sage

New member
Glad you started a new thread Isaac :)

I think you have a bit of a case of NRE with polyamory itself.

You do not have enough emotional/sexual energy for your wife so why do you think that down the road you will have enough for anyone else?

I have been mono in our relationship until now and I am seriously considering exploring poly myself. Why? There is no intellectual answer that I can be sure of. I am probably going to try it because his polyamory is just plain making me sad and I can't shake it off. I shift it for a few days but then something triggers me off again. All I can assume is that it's a heart response rather than a head response.
 

IsntLifeFun

New member
And if it's just your sex drives that are unbalanced, well that's what vibrators are for... Married men across the country are forced to get themselves off every night as their wives pretend to be sleeping (something I'll never understand, but I digress)... why should exceptionally horny women be any different?

I agree to a point. Self satisfying is a temporary fix. And it's a slim substitute for the real thing. Just my opinion. Sorry to get off (hehe pun) topic.
 

PolyHannah

New member
Isaac,

We found ourselves in a similar situation. My husband is a stay home and play MMOs guy and I'm a go to the club and hit on boys gal. We love each other and have no reason to want to separate. Yet, I was feeling unfulfilled - I could play all night with friends, but couldn't build those relationships deeper. He was feeling that he couldn't give me enough - we actually used the term "needing a pinch hitter" to describe my sex drive.

We spent a year carefully crafting a monogamous-with-certain-exceptions lifestyle and breaking down what we would and wouldn't do. Then working through the emotional aspects... ugh... all without any help from forums/websites/books. We just made it up as we went along and only later found it had a name.

What did he want? He wanted to take some of the pressure to please off. He found two people - me and his gf. He found joy in showing her all his favorite movies (How has she NOT seen BladeRunner?!?). I sure didn't want to see them AGAIN. She comes over or he goes to her when they want to spend a quiet evening in. He found the time and energy to love two because he gets more special, quiet, nerdy time.

What did I want? Some freedom to explore the sexual aspect of some of my friendships. I got a great travelling companion - we love road trips. We got a closer friendship. We also found out we were better friends without the sex. We still travel together and share a bed. We just keep our clothes on.

So, we're still in process. He's settled and happy with two. I'm not sure what my poly-saturation number is, but I'm out dating. I'm having fun with it. I'm just thrilled to come home to him, to know that stability is there... even if it used to grate on me.

Feel free to keep chatting with me on this topic. I'm happy to share.
 

Godfather76

New member
Isaac,

We found ourselves in a similar situation. My husband is a stay home and play MMOs guy and I'm a go to the club and hit on boys gal. We love each other and have no reason to want to separate. Yet, I was feeling unfulfilled - I could play all night with friends, but couldn't build those relationships deeper. He was feeling that he couldn't give me enough - we actually used the term "needing a pinch hitter" to describe my sex drive.

We spent a year carefully crafting a monogamous-with-certain-exceptions lifestyle and breaking down what we would and wouldn't do. Then working through the emotional aspects... ugh... all without any help from forums/websites/books. We just made it up as we went along and only later found it had a name.

What did he want? He wanted to take some of the pressure to please off. He found two people - me and his gf. He found joy in showing her all his favorite movies (How has she NOT seen BladeRunner?!?). I sure didn't want to see them AGAIN. She comes over or he goes to her when they want to spend a quiet evening in. He found the time and energy to love two because he gets more special, quiet, nerdy time.

What did I want? Some freedom to explore the sexual aspect of some of my friendships. I got a great travelling companion - we love road trips. We got a closer friendship. We also found out we were better friends without the sex. We still travel together and share a bed. We just keep our clothes on.

So, we're still in process. He's settled and happy with two. I'm not sure what my poly-saturation number is, but I'm out dating. I'm having fun with it. I'm just thrilled to come home to him, to know that stability is there... even if it used to grate on me.

Feel free to keep chatting with me on this topic. I'm happy to share.

I'm so, incredibly happy you posted. I also love my MMOs.

I think that what you describe your husband as having found is what I'm looking for. I told my wife that she needs to find a jock and I need to find a nerd. haha

I want someone who will watch those movies with me, AGAIN, and she wants someone who will workout with her and go on hikes. Me, I'm almost lvl 84, ya know?

We are in the planning process. Neither of us is running ahead toward anything, although she has permission to do so if she chooses. I feel more ready now than I was a week ago to partake, but I am being careful.

My wife's main concern has been for me. Girls are crazy (no offense!) and I have been hurt in the past, so she is afraid that some girl will play with my heartstrings. She is especially worried that this will happen if the main reason for the relationship is sex.
 

PolyHannah

New member
continuing ed?

No offense taken.
Girls ARE crazy. Boys are stupid.
And sometimes we're crazy because of stupid boys.

More relationships means more trial and error.
So yep, you could have some crazy gal play on your heartstrings. You could also find something wonderful.

The greatest problems I've had was with mono-folk. People who were sure that after a period of time we would move in together or I would divorce. I've also seen them become possessive. Share with husband OK, but not to see anyone else. Try meeting your local polys (you can search OKC for the word). Make friends there. Not to say you have to go out. Just start with e-mail friends. Then see if any are online and would like to schedule a raid.

We got around this problem by giving each other "right of refusal". Your wife may have an instinctual reaction that says, "That person is nuts!" She would then express those concerns to you. You could proceed with a relationship, but be more careful... or follow her advice and cut and run. Either way, having her meet your potential paramour before you add a sexual element to your friendship would give you a chance to evaluate how she'll fit in with your current relationship structure.
Sometimes having two sets of eyes on a problem, makes the solution easier to find.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime.
Lori
 

nicothoe

New member
My wife's main concern has been for me. Girls are crazy (no offense!) and I have been hurt in the past, so she is afraid that some girl will play with my heartstrings.

Unfortunately, the wife doesn't have the power to prevent this from happening. One of the consequences of dating and falling in love again, is the risk of things ending badly. It's that whole better to have loved and lost mumbo-jumbo. Of course, this time around you have a loved one who is looking out for you, who will give you her frank and honest opinion, and call other people on their crap. While the wife and I don't have veto power over each other relationships, if we sense something bad is happening, then we will express our concern.

Dating is so much easier when you have a wife! *grin*
 

nicothoe

New member
In answer to your initial question, sometimes there isn't a reason. It's not like you look at your life and say, "This piece is being unfilled" and then go looking for someone to fill it. People are much more complex and interesting than that. If you were to ask me, "what does you girlfriend offer that your wife doesn't?", while I could mention a few things, they are not the reasons I am with her. I am with her because....well....she's her.

Just having the other person in your life is reason enough.
 

Godfather76

New member
In answer to your initial question, sometimes there isn't a reason. It's not like you look at your life and say, "This piece is being unfilled" and then go looking for someone to fill it. People are much more complex and interesting than that. If you were to ask me, "what does you girlfriend offer that your wife doesn't?", while I could mention a few things, they are not the reasons I am with her. I am with her because....well....she's her.

Just having the other person in your life is reason enough.

This was very well put, thank you. She and I are coming to the point where in all of this exploration (just in conversation), the sum total of the answer to the question why is looking like, "It just is." We're human. Let's enjoy all of it, not just the parts society deems "safe."
 

Godfather76

New member
No offense taken.
Girls ARE crazy. Boys are stupid.
And sometimes we're crazy because of stupid boys.

More relationships means more trial and error.
So yep, you could have some crazy gal play on your heartstrings. You could also find something wonderful.

The greatest problems I've had was with mono-folk. People who were sure that after a period of time we would move in together or I would divorce. I've also seen them become possessive. Share with husband OK, but not to see anyone else. Try meeting your local polys (you can search OKC for the word). Make friends there. Not to say you have to go out. Just start with e-mail friends. Then see if any are online and would like to schedule a raid.

We got around this problem by giving each other "right of refusal". Your wife may have an instinctual reaction that says, "That person is nuts!" She would then express those concerns to you. You could proceed with a relationship, but be more careful... or follow her advice and cut and run. Either way, having her meet your potential paramour before you add a sexual element to your friendship would give you a chance to evaluate how she'll fit in with your current relationship structure.
Sometimes having two sets of eyes on a problem, makes the solution easier to find.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime.
Lori

Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules. I want to be friends with whomever she dates and vice versa. Being a picky nerd, I have promised to loosen up a bit on what I want. But, basically, I don't want to have to hang out with someone I don't like because she's dating them. haha

We plan on hanging out with a person multiple times as a couple before really springing the poly thing on them. It helps when adults can be adults. :)
 

BlackUnicorn

New member
Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules. I want to be friends with whomever she dates and vice versa. Being a picky nerd, I have promised to loosen up a bit on what I want. But, basically, I don't want to have to hang out with someone I don't like because she's dating them. haha

We plan on hanging out with a person multiple times as a couple before really springing the poly thing on them. It helps when adults can be adults. :)

I personally don't understand why people have different standards for metamours (their partners' partners) as opposed to their partner's family or friends. Not standing the sight or mention of your partner's mum or best friend is a problem (and obviously stems from deeper issues) but you don't have to be friends with or even like someone to be able to get along and cooperate with them. We have to do this all the time at work etc.

It makes sense that if your partner likes you, they might like someone who is alike you. Sadly, the logic doesn't always work. Your newly-aqcuired metamour may be too different from or too similar to you, you might have nothing to really talk about or always rub each other the wrong way without meaning to.

Insisting that everyone be friends severely limits your potential dating pool. I assume you would also have to be friends with you OSOs' partners, too? Maybe everyone should hang out together regularly, possible kids and pets included? Asking for everyone to meet and greet is totally different from wanting somebody to come hang out with both of you several times before you can go out on a date alone with them.

I understand how many couples opening up feel that they need to date as an item, because it feels less shocking a transition. You can still hold on to that coupliness even while dating others, if you agree only to do everything together. But sooner or later, one of you is going to want something that the other doesn't. Better get used to the idea.

I've seen how strained metamour relations can get, but being friends first before sharing a partner doesn't give any guarantees. It can even make things worse because there's the added hurt and awkwardness of a friendship on the rocks alongside jealousy over partner.
 
I personally don't understand why people have different standards for metamours (their partners' partners) as opposed to their partner's family or friends. Not standing the sight or mention of your partner's mum or best friend is a problem (and obviously stems from deeper issues) but you don't have to be friends with or even like someone to be able to get along and cooperate with them. We have to do this all the time at work etc.

I see that this can limit people's dating pool, but if you do have to spend all day at work tolerating people's personalities that you don't get along with, you sure might want a break and not have to do that when you're home relaxing. Me personally, I don't want anybody in my personal space that often if I don't get along with them. Wait, that's a lie, I NEVER want people over if I don't like them. (Also I like to go braless at home and I just seethe with resentment at the thought of having to wear a bra because somebody I don't like is wandering around here :rolleyes: )

I'd LOVE if my SO and I only dated people who could be friends with both of us. Most of his friends don't have a lot in common with me, it gets boring when 90% of the conversation ends up being about gaming industry job shop talk or sci-fi. (And I'm an introvert so I don't tend to talk a lot when I AM with people who don't seem to have stuff in common with me.) My SO loves having people over, I don't, so if you are people who plan on entertaining partners at your house like we do, it can make perfect sense to seek friends for both of you most importantly.

So far I haven't dated anybody that my husband has any feelings of friendship for. There is NOT MUCH I would like more than to find somebody to date who could be good friends with my SO and have an independent relationship with him too. I'd love to be able invite my boyfriend over and to go cook dinner and not picture them making awkward small talk, but instead hear screams of AHHHHH FUCK! while they're being chased by zombies in some xbox game. I've spent time with my partners girlfriends and wives without them and I find it really awesome to be able to do that, and it makes me more comfortable. I have really been fortunate that at least I like most of the people my husband dates. It means I don't feel like I will have to leave the house if sex is happening on the other side of it. If everybody gets along well it means I don't have to compartmentalize my life, choose who to see what movie with, want to spend time with everybody but not have enough days in the week.

So it is true, you might find you quickly end up finding people you like that don't get along with your spouse, but if it's really important to you, don't let people tell you that you don't have a right to seek people who will fit into your life well. It makes me sad that I'm not going to get to hang out cuddled up to both of the men in my life while we watch a movie, invite my bf's wife over too, all go out for bowling or dinner. (I mean the guys probably would if I requested and set it up, but I don't want to have to force it if it's not natural - or hang out together if not everybody is actively enjoying it). It IS great feeling comfortable having metamours who you like cuddled up to your spouse on your sofa. I find it increases my feelings of compersion and overall happiness.

edit: I certainly don't recommend that if somebody ISN'T friend material that they should be ruled out to date if one of you really likes them, unless they are a real dick. I see a lot of pros to all being friends but you will probably find out sooner than later if that is going to be realistic for you. I also assume if you hang out a few times with somebody, one of you might want to be friends with them and not date them, and the other might not like them so much. Does that mean you wouldn't be friends with them either or just not be allowed date them? That probably will turn out to be an impractical rule, but it is OK to want it. I know if I waited to find somebody to date who was going to get along like gangbusters with my husband, I'd probably be waiting a really long time.
 
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Derbylicious

New member
Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules. I want to be friends with whomever she dates and vice versa. Being a picky nerd, I have promised to loosen up a bit on what I want. But, basically, I don't want to have to hang out with someone I don't like because she's dating them. haha

We plan on hanging out with a person multiple times as a couple before really springing the poly thing on them. It helps when adults can be adults. :)

Friends would be nice but it's far from essential. What is essential in a metamour relationship is respect. You have to have respect for each other as people as well as respect for the relationship with your shared partner.

There isn't anything in any rule book that says that you have to hang out with your metamour. There will likely be times when your paths will cross but as long as there isn't any seething animosity so be it.

I have metamours who I am quite close to and one who I really don't get. I don't spend much time with the one who I don't get (she doesn't get me either so it's all good) but when we are in the same space we are polite and respectful towards each other. There will likely never be a close friendship there and I think that we're both ok with that.

Being that your wife is looking for a "jock" as you put it there's a good chance that you're not going to see eye to eye on a lot of things. As long as he is a good person and treats your wife well it shouldn't matter if you're buddies or not.
 

Minxxa

New member
I agree that you don't have to necessarily get who your partner is with. Or particularly like them. But yes respect is good (which requires having an open mind). Sure it would be nice if everyone could hang out, but that shouldn't necessarily be a requirement.

I do have to throw in that sometimes an objection to or "bad feeling" about a metamour is for good reason. You need to have the openness with your partner to be able to discuss concerns and have them at least consider them, without disregarding your feelings. And you need to be able to really look at your feelings and discern what is a valid concern and what is just something that person does that's not the way you would, or that you disagree with.

I know we'd like to think everybody out there is honest, has good intentions, and is healthy. That, unfortunately, is not always the case and I think that having some discernment in that area is a good thing.
 

nycindie

Active member
We got around this problem by giving each other "right of refusal". Your wife may have an instinctual reaction that says, "That person is nuts!" She would then express those concerns to you. You could proceed with a relationship, but be more careful... or follow her advice and cut and run. Either way, having her meet your potential paramour before you add a sexual element to your friendship would give you a chance to evaluate how she'll fit in with your current relationship structure.

Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules. I want to be friends with whomever she dates and vice versa . . . We plan on hanging out with a person multiple times as a couple before really springing the poly thing on them. It helps when adults can be adults. :)

Hmm. Personally, I appreciated the fact that Burnsy's wife had emailed me to encourage us to develop our relationship on its own terms before she would want to meet with me. She wrote to me: "I'd love to get to know you better, but I want you and [Burnsy] to get to know each other first. Let you both develop a relationship removed from the dynamic of [Burnsy] and myself as a couple. Once you have that, then I think I would really enjoy time getting to know you as well."

That is a much more "adult" and respectful approach, in my view. If she had wanted to meet me first before "allowing" him to have sex with me (if it had not been a long-distance relationship), I would have felt like I was being inspected like a possible defective product. I think that's ridiculous, anyway. We don't own our partners. A spouse wanting to meet me out of genuine interest in me is different, and would be very welcome. But I definitely know I would never want to get involved with anyone whose spouse/partner has veto power.
 
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BlackUnicorn

New member
Hmm. Personally, I appreciated the fact that Burnsy's wife had emailed me to encourage us to develop our relationship on its own terms before she would want to meet with me. She wrote to me: "I'd love to get to know you better, but I want you and [Burnsy] to get to know each other first. Let you both develop a relationship removed from the dynamic of [Burnsy] and myself as a couple. Once you have that, then I think I would really enjoy time getting to know you as well."

Aww, that's so sweet!

I'm not perhaps the best person to tell people how to conduct metamour relationship. So far I've had one genuine metamour, whom I used to date myself before deciding we were better friends than lovers. Of Vanilla's fwbs, I used to go out with one, one is Moonlightrunner and I just recently met her playmates who are adorable! The two who I haven't still met are both really excited to get to meet me. The only one I don't particularly click with is her bff, but that's okay, we can alternate nights.
 

Godfather76

New member
When you say this, are you talking about having veto power?

Yeah, veto power. Kind of. Like, "I can veto if I promise to hear you out." We want to all be friends and sometimes people just rub other people the wrong way. We want to each have the power to say, "No. I don't want to be friends with that person." For the most part, we love each other and would know ahead of time whether or not someone will click well with the other of us.
 
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