new to poly.


New member
hello me and my fiancé are new to the poly lifestyle. we have been talking about this for sometime and wanted to get some advice on where to meet females interested in being a third in our relationship. We are looking for a long term committed relationship with no games. So all advice welcome.


Well-known member
We are looking for a long term committed relationship with no games.

You're going to have to find the poly friendly communities and individuals in your area. There is no easy way to do it that I am aware of. Depending on where you are it will be more difficult or easy compared to other areas.

Good luck.


Well-known member
females interested in being a third in our relationship

Also, this is called a unicorn. A strikingly high percentage of couples in open relationships are looking for exactly the same thing. Young, Attractive, Bi-sexual, Interested in Both of you, Wants to be a part of an Existing Relationship.

Hehe, if you find one, don't tell anyone else or their will be a Battle Royal over her.


New member
~grins at Marcus~

He's right... there would be an almighty Battle of The Unicorns if you found this woman.

The reason these elusive women are quite rare is that the idea of a Unicorn is based on the idea that bisexuality means "equally attracted to men and women". Sexuality is a sliding scale for the majority of people. I have trouble finding one female secondary that I am genuinely attracted to; let alone finding two of them, who happen to be a couple already.

What is it that you are looking for? You say long-term and committed - would you like a triad? Would all of you be on the same level, such as primaries? Would you want her to eventually live with you? If you want a long-term thing, but with a more secondary kind of setup, would you want it to be a closed-poly relationship? Or would you be fine with her dating other people?

I do see the merit in sharing - my girlfriend and I have always loved the idea. But, realistically, it can be very difficult to find someone who is equally interested in both of you. Usually, immediately or over time, two particular people in the triad take a shine to each other. Of course, there are many successful triads too - but it helps to know exactly what it is you are looking for.

Is there a reason you wouldn't want to date people separately? Jealousy issues in a triad can be just as rife as in a V, or other setup. What happens if you have wild sex all the time with the girl and your fiance realises he's getting left out? Or vice-versa? What if seeing your fiance snuggle with her on the sofa upsets you, rather than turns you on?

Have you guys talked and negotiated some basic poly guidelines? Things that are ok and things that aren't?

I have used Plenty of Fish and OKCupid to meet women. OKCupid is particularly poly-friendly. Lesbotronic is an interesting website that I just discovered yesterday - there is an option for polyamorous and bisexual/with a man/looking for a Unicorn. You submit your details and they do the matchmaking for you.


New member
For my husband and I, we weren't really looking for a third when it happened. She was a friend of mine and we had been talking about having a threesome for a while. Once it happened, we all wanted to continue and decided to try it out as a relationship. It would be rare to come across someone like we did, but I think that a mutual friend is the way to go because you already know somewhat about the individual. Other than that, I would try different things on craigslist or something. My husband looked on there for our threesome experience, just to see what options were out there, but we both agreed that we did not want it to be with a stranger. If you go the craigslist route, just be careful because there are a lot of creeps out there.


Well-known member
For my husband and I, we weren't really looking for a third when it happened.

This sounds like the right way to go about it ZB77. I am always concerned when I see posts that talk about "looking for a partner" when the details of that partner are already decided upon. Usually it is the couple looking for the unicorn to complete their triad. This, to me, is going about building a relationship exactly backwards.

I understand that their are aspects of a new partner which would need to be in place in order for anything to happen. I have some pretty strict limitations on the type of person I will become romantically involved in, so I get that part. The part I don't get is deciding before hand what type of relationship set-up this person will be a part of; the role they will need to fill.

It seems limiting and unnatural to decide that the only person who will be considered is someone who will be the third peg in a triad.

What if they are only attracted to one of you but are a fantastic fit in every other way?
What if one of you is not physically attracted to them but feel compersion and comfort about the relationship otherwise?
What if attraction is mutual for everyone, everything is fantastic, but they don't want to move in and help raise the kids?

The people involved in a relationship are the only priority. If a structure must be given to the relationship, build it around the people involved, don't try and jam a human into a slot because that's the one that is open.


New member
I agree with Marcus on all points. My partner and I stumbled into a triad with a good friend of mine who, upon hearing that we were poly, asked if I was comfortable with her going out with my partner. It wasn't long before the three of us were spending almost all our time together, and found ourselves in a triad.

It wasn't what we were looking for when we opened up our relationship, but it was delightful while it lasted. When it fell apart, though, it was absolutely brutal. My partner and I have been together for almost a decade, but suddenly we were each other's rebound. Very hard.

Since then we have joined OK Cupid and maintain separate profiles and date different people. Sometimes it turns out that we're dating the same people, and so we're entering a triad-like situation now because we happened to each go on a date with the same woman and each of those relationships clicked.

End of the day: look for a person you work with, not for a triad. If you do find someone who is interested in both you and your fiance, don't assume it's going to become a triad. Let the relationships between each of you grow before you add a relationship between all of you.