New to PolyLife, advice?

MRGilbertGirl

New member
I recently got engaged to an amazing man. The only way I know to explain this is, as an engagement present he gave me his best friend and battle buddy (Marine Corps veterans). It came as a shock to me that he was okay with the idea of his friend and I sleeping together, but he wasn't just okay with it, he likes it. It has taken me a little bit to get accustomed to the idea that both of these men are perfectly fine with this arrangement. And to add more shock, the best friend told the fiance he is in love with me too! My fiance is still perfectly fine with this, even smiled and told me he couldn't be happier for me. All three of us live in the same house together now. The guys sat down and decided on the living arrangements together. I am allowed to be with whichever man I choose whenever I want, whether just cuddling or going out or whatever. Monday through Thursday I am to sleep in the bed with my fiance. Friday through Sunday, I sleep with the boyfriend. At first, I was uncomfortable and skiddish about everything. But both of these beautifully amazing men have had so much patience with me, and have done their best to make sure that they ease my uneasiness and doubts. And they spoil me like crazy. Both men have added me to their checking accounts, the fiance showers me with little gifts and surprises, the boyfriend bought me a brand new truck, and they are both teaching me so many new things "intimately"!

As amazing and wonderful as our arrangement is, I still have my reservations and doubts. I know that my fiance and I are getting married, I know he loves me more than anything. I don't understand how the boyfriend can swear he loves me and yet be okay that I am marrying his best friend. I know the guys had a talk about who comes first in my life. The rule was written in stone from day one that no matter what feelings the boyfriend and I developed for one another, my fiance would always be first. And yes, I am wording it much differently than they did. I believe their exact words were, they laid down the law of exactly who I belong to. I'm not sure that we are all going about this the right way at all, but I don't want to ruin anything with either of these men because I do honestly love them both. But I'm afraid someone is going toget hurt sooner or later.

Does anyone have any advice with a situation like this???
 

Candiedlove

New member
Trust that your boyfriend knows what he's talking about. It was really hard at first for my partner to believe me when I said marriage with him wasn't something I needed at all.

I mean, who knows, I may end up getting married to someone else (though that's unlikely, as I don't believe in marriage). But I'm perfectly fulfilled in my relationship with him. Particularly as being with someone in a relationship ALREADY makes me much more secure that he'll accept my being in other relationships now and in future.

Your boyfriend may like that you're already comfortable with other relationships, so he doesn't have to worry about (as many) jealousy/insecurity issues with you.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi MRGilbertGirl,

Your situation is unusual and has peculiarities, but basically it sounds like you have a superb thing going, so why look a gift horse in the mouth. If the guys are in agreement then you are good to go, although if the three of you wanted to adjust something in the future you could always negotiate that possibility.

Which brings me to the main thing I always tell people who are fresh on the poly scene: Learn (through reading and frequent practice) how to communicate productively ... and always keep learning, because it's an art form too nuanced to master in a thousand lifetimes.

On this site, you can do a search (a tag search might be better in fact) for the word "communication" ... Read as much as you can on the subject and don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have. And keep in mind: The most important part of communicating is listening. The quality of your ability to listen makes a big big difference.

So do that, and check up on the guys from time to time to see how they're feeling. If someone's feeling shorted or left out, see what you can do to correct the situation. Right now I get the impression everyone's happy, so you don't need to worry about it much.

Thinking about how cool things are between the three of you makes me smile.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

wildflowers

New member
Did your fiancé "give" you his friend because you asked? It's not clear from your post who initiated this arrangement. It's also not clear how much input you have into decisions re the relationships. Are you ok with them deciding who comes first in your life, rather than making that decision yourself?

I'm not trying to be critical here of how you're handling this; I just didn't see a lot in your post regarding what you want for yourself, other than to not have anyone get hurt, so I'm trying to clarify that.
 

maxnsue

Inactive
I had the opposite. My wife invited her best girlfriend to have sex with me and we ended up staring a 38 year threesome. We never had a problem, even after our g/f got married. My wife never once was jealous, even when I had one on one sex with her g/f. Still do not know why but I did not ask many questions as I was afraid of spoiling what we had. :)

I do not think it would have been the same with another guy as they tend to be competitive when it comes to women but who knows. It is not for me but that does not mean it cannot work for others.
 
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