New to this..Feeling a lot of jealousy and confusion over "her"

gamerprincess

New member
Hi all, I'm new here and hope that I can get some great advice and support through this. I apologize in advance for the long read and appreciate any advice.

My boyfriend of 6 years and I have talked for years about exploring a polyamorous relationship. At first we were going to look for a polygamous relationship or triad since I am bisexual, but we didn't have much luck with that at all besides a threesome we had once.

A few months back, we decided that he would find a partner on the side that would be non serious and that I could find a woman of my own if I wanted. I can't see myself being with another man, so I opted for a female parter. I've had bare luck with that too. At this point, I've just dropped the idea of having a partner of my own. I feel like I'd just be doing that to pacify myself when he's not around and that's not fair to the person I'd be involved with.

I placed an ad a month ago on Craigslist to find him someone who was comfortable with him having a girlfriend already, and lo and behold, earlier this week I got a reply. I emailed her a few times back and forth under the premise of being him and once I felt she could be a good match, I told him and forwarded the info so he could continue the conversation. I felt a some pangs of jealousy, but knew it would happen.

Well, every day and night since then, he's been texting her NON STOP. It's driving me absolutely insane and though I've been trying to keep the jealousy under wraps, when we are together and he's on a text fest from 7-10 at night, it's making me bitter, evil and I've gotten so mad that we've argued the past 2 nights in a row. Part of it is also that he took me out Thursday for my birthday and while he didn't text during dinner as he told her to not bother him since we were going to dinner, after we got back to the house and had some birthday "fun" in the shower, he goes right to texting her!!!!! I had asked him to not do it on Friday night, yesterday because that was my birthday and even though we were just hanging out at home, that was our time. So, what does he do? He's texting her most of the night. I flipped my lid and told him how disrespectful I thought it was. He told me that I'm just going to expect him to not talk to her at all at night.

His point is, I'm only going to see her once a week..what am I supposed to do? Not talk to her at night when that's her free time? I told him, just not every night. I don't mind a couple times a week, and I'm sorry that it's the most convenient time for her, but since him and I work different schedules with different days off, the night time is our time to hang out and it's the most inconvenient time for me.

I may be being selfish, but I think since I'm the one making the biggest adjustment in this, that the least he could do is to tell her that is our time and for her to be respectful of that. I wouldn't text her during their time together as I respect them and that time alone. I just feel it's completely disrespectful and that she's intruding into our time together, even if it's just text. I'm feeling too much of a presence already in that regard and I don't like it at all.

I'm feeling a lot of unsure feelings. I worry about the NRE part of this and that I'm going to feel left out, hurt and inadequate. If this is just friendship and sex, what's the big deal? I think I may be worried that he might fall or her or him for her though I've been reassured 101 times by him that he's not going to do that or throw away what we have and that their connection cannot come close to ours, yet I worry it will. How much reassurance do I need??? He's feeling like a broken record.

I'm scared because it's so new to both of us. Yes we've had a threesome with another woman before, but I was involved. Now this is something I have NO control over aside from groundrules I laid out (he thinks I went a tad overboard on the boundaries and says he wouldn't ask half of what I am) and not "knowing" everything is bothering me. I feel left out. How am I going to deal with this once he does start seeing her weekly?

I don't know how to be accomodating of her..I never had to be accomodating of any other woman before in our relationship, yet he wants this and I want to keep him too so I need to learn really quick. I selfishly feel that I should always be the priority, and while I know that I am and he says I am, I think I may be making things difficult and don't want to, I just don't know how to handle what I'm feeling. It's so different than anything I've felt before.

When I told him why I didn't like the texting, and that it's my biggest trigger of jealousy because I feel she's being intrusive and too "present" during our time, he told me he would try to not talk to her so much at night and would tell her why so she can be respectful of how I am feeling. I am fine with that, however when I told him I wanted to meet her after they initially meet for dinner and definitely before anything else happens, well...he was NOT cool with that. Demanding to know why I needed to? What questions could I possibly have for her that he hasn't answered? He says that he's answered everything I've asked and thinks that I'm just going to interrogate her or give her dirty glaring looks. I feel very uncomfortable with him having a problem having us meet, or maybe it's her that has the problem and he won't tell me. Either way, it makes me uneasy and I think that meeting her is what I need to be comfortable..He disagrees.

As of now, I've lost the urge to meet her and I let him know I'd rather not hear about her and don't want to talk about her unless I have a question, but I know I have a ton of questions now and I don't want to overkill him on this. He says she doesn't want anything serious as she doesn't have the time with work and her 3 young kids, which is perfect for him, because he doesn't either with already having a serious girlfriend/borderline wife. I trust him, but I don't trust her potential feelings or motives because I don't know her. This not knowing her is getting to me, I know it. Why do I desire to know her so bad? Is it to assert my place? I don't want to come off as a bitch and I want them to have fun, but I want her to know that's all it is and all it can be. He says they've already talked about that and that's all she wants. No love or anything. Though, I still worry about that.

How do I deal with these feelings, so fresh and so painful? I know I will get over them, but how and when? He's meeting her tomorrow for drinks at night after her kids are in bed. He says it's just to talk, but I worry they're gonna go right to bed which he said isn't going to happen. I wonder about what they will do, how she will like him and how he's going to like her?

I'm the one who wanted this years ago and brought it up. It was a fantasy of mine for him to be with someone else like this, but now that it's happening I've got cold feet. I still want this, but I want to know how to deal with everything I'm feeling. I've got no poly friends or women that I know in the same boat as me, and I certainly don't know any men that I can talk to about what he's feeling. I think I need a lot of help. My closest friends I have talked to think I am crazy for even entertaining the idea and tell me this won't end well. I know it can work, I just need the guidance to help me make this work.

Thanks for listening to me babble all over the place.
 
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gamerprincess

New member
Ok, so I apologize for the babbling and the ranting, but it seems like he actually listened to my desire to not text her tonight.. And we've been having a wonderful evening. He reassured me a lot as we talked through a lot of things after I read up a lot today on jealousy in polyamory. I think he understands where I am coming from and agreed to read the literature I came across online today.

I am feeling better and have hope that I will overcome these jealous feelings and have an even better relationship with him than before once I get over this hurdle. I'm really thinking this is going to benefit us both so much as it's giving me inspiration and motivation to go out and experience new things and that is exciting for both of us.

He talked to her about my concerns, and she will be more respectful of our time together, which was very comforting. Yay! We may not meet, but at least she is understanding how I feel and wanting to make it easier for me. I respect that in her.

I was just having a moment, so forgive me. Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it.
 

redpepper

New member
Maybe you should all meet, set some boundaries... tell her about your texting request to not text all night and set some times that are okay to text. It sounds like this is all very NREish and as most of us know here, it can get crazy before it gets calmer... doing some research on here for NRE might not be a bad idea... or on jealousy too. It might help you understand what to expect. Try doing a tag search and see what you come up with... there is lots of great stuff to read here! :)
 

gamerprincess

New member
Maybe you can have a phone conversation with her instead of meeting in person, but meeting her doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. Why doesn't he want you to? :confused:

I'm almost afraid to ask for the phone conversation, or email conversation though I do have her phone number and email, I don't want to go behind his back and do it. I don't know why he is so reluctant. He says it's just weird to him. Says he wouldn't want to meet or know any of my partners, sure he'd have questions or would want to know about them, but as far as meeting them, no...he has no interest he says and doesn't feel it's necessary for me either. Says he doesn't think I would like her for the sheer fact of what she is doing.

The more he tells me he doesn't want me to meet her, the more uncomfortable I am, so I guess I should just drop it/
 
different needs

This last piece here is something that I am experiencing. My partner and I sometimes have very different needs and it has been a point of conflict lately where I wanted to know certain information about what she was doing in bed with another partner and had certain needs around communication immediately before and after she had sex with someone. She does not have these same needs ... she does not really care to know what I do with someone and does not want to me to talk on the phone with her about it, and instead would rather wait until we are in person to talk about it. Its hard because I automatically expect her to understand and have the same needs as me ... which when I think about it does not make sense at all. I have abandonment issues where, for me, I feel the need to know what is going on at all times so it doesn't feel like she is leaving me. But thats my personal trigger point ... I suppose we all have our own and they will be different for our partners. That is probably something to talk about. If it is important to you for them to not text at certain times and for you to talk with her on some level, then that is okay. And if you are primary, I would hope that those needs are respected on some level and can be negotiated. But perhaps for you it is important to figure out what is at the bottom of those needs so that he can better understand you and show compassion and respect for your needs/boundaries.

When you find another partner, I am sure he will have his own version of this stuff ... it hasn't happened yet, so he probably won't know until it does. And it may be interesting to see how he would feel if your partner was a man versus a woman. If his partner were a man, I wonder if the feelings would change for you. Just questions.
 

gamerprincess

New member
This last piece here is something that I am experiencing. My partner and I sometimes have very different needs and it has been a point of conflict lately where I wanted to know certain information about what she was doing in bed with another partner and had certain needs around communication immediately before and after she had sex with someone. She does not have these same needs ... she does not really care to know what I do with someone and does not want to me to talk on the phone with her about it, and instead would rather wait until we are in person to talk about it. Its hard because I automatically expect her to understand and have the same needs as me ... which when I think about it does not make sense at all. I have abandonment issues where, for me, I feel the need to know what is going on at all times so it doesn't feel like she is leaving me. But thats my personal trigger point ... I suppose we all have our own and they will be different for our partners. That is probably something to talk about. If it is important to you for them to not text at certain times and for you to talk with her on some level, then that is okay. And if you are primary, I would hope that those needs are respected on some level and can be negotiated. But perhaps for you it is important to figure out what is at the bottom of those needs so that he can better understand you and show compassion and respect for your needs/boundaries.

When you find another partner, I am sure he will have his own version of this stuff ... it hasn't happened yet, so he probably won't know until it does. And it may be interesting to see how he would feel if your partner was a man versus a woman. If his partner were a man, I wonder if the feelings would change for you. Just questions.

I think you're right about the abandonment issues...I've never known my father, been cast aside by my family and I was married in my previous relationship, and felt he abandoned me by cheating on me over 6 times when I told him that I was bisexual and that there was no need to cheat if he shared with me. I didn't know anything about poly at that time when I was in my earlier 20's and honestly at 30, I'm just now really learning the dynamics having been thrown into this so suddenly, though it really has been a while in the making.

I don't want a friendship with her, I just want a mutual understanding and her to know that this is so new to me, as it seems she has experience in dating poly men, where as this is all new to me. I hope maybe if I show him your post, he will come around and be more understanding of it. I think he's just worried I'm going to scare her off.

Speaking of finding a new partner, I've suddenly got the potential for 2 dates. One woman for coffee and another is a guy I met a week or so ago.

I had not considered another man, yet one has come out of the woodwork that I kind of like. I told him about my relationship and what is going on and he told me he really likes me and would love to take me out and get to know me. I met him when I was sitting on my patio and he was on the boat dock below. He called up to me and asked me if I was into boats and if I wanted to go for a ride with him and his friends. I went down to talk to him, hoping to make a new platonic friend as we just moved here and I get along with men really well in a friendship dynamic, but I declined the boat ride. We exchanged numbers and he's been asking if my bf and I wanted to hang out for a week now, but I've been blowing him off. He texted me again today and thats when I told him what was going on and that I've just been mentally preoccupied. Thats when he offered to take me out anytime that worked for me between now and Thursday to just talk and have a good time.

In previous discussions, my bf seems to not be too comfortable with the idea of me seeing another man, would rather it be a woman, but he says if I want to, that's alright. I want to tell him tomorrow about this guy, but I think that he may think it's retalitory given the timing of his scheduled date, but really it's just coincidental.

Is it odd for me to go out with him tomorrow when my bf is meeting his potential secondary? Or should I choose another night?
 
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retaliation

Well, I think you first have to be honest with yourself if it is about "retaliation." Because if it is, then that might not be good. I think another thing to check in with yourself about is to see if it is to cover up the painful feelings of your partner being with another woman. That might not be as bad, but I don't know if it serves anyone in the long-run to do things that help avoid understanding and eventually communicating the feelings you have.

Its a whole different thing if the purpose of meeting up with this other guy is to form a genuine connection. And maybe its a mixture ... but I guess here is where you have to check in with yourself, and then with your partner (depending of course on the boundaries that you guys have set up in terms of what communication needs to take place).
 
also ...

I'm SUPER new at this. So my insights about it are probably only as good as yours or any others at this point. I think I'm pretty insightful, but definitely not experienced at this stuff.
 

stargazer23

New member
I feel like it's his responsibility to set boundaries with this woman and creates reassurances (WITHIN REASON) for you that you are still the primary and therefore, priority.

This stuff ain't for the faint of heart. You need to look at yourself critically and try to suss out whether or not you're handling this in a mature, reasonable manner or indulging jealousy. He needs to be dead-honest with himself about whether he's allowing his feelings of twitterpation to put priority on the other lady and neglect his responsibilities to you and to being a decent partner.

It is not unreasonable for you to feel put-out that he didn't uphold the terms of your agreement that he "give it a rest" on your birthday.

I think the key here is to not be ambiguous about the details. You must work out with him exactly what you need and exactly what is reasonable based on his relationship with the other woman.

I also think sunshine is a good thing here. He may be uncomfortable with he idea of you and she meeting, but I urge him to work through his inhibitions about it and try to push himself to make it happen. The point here is having a healthy relationship with both of you. Like I said: this isn't for the faint of heart and if meeting her is what's required for this to be healthy, I think he should consider it.
 

nycindie

Active member
A few thoughts:

While your bf may be uncomfortable with the idea of meeting or hearing about anyone you date, you are uncomfortable with not meeting her. He should try to understand that the two of you have different needs, and his way is not better than yours -- for you. Some mutual respect and compromise is in order. If I were you, I'd tell him, "For my own peace of mind, I need to at least talk to her. I respect your wishes, so please respect mine, and let her know I will be in touch this week." Then make the call and see if she wants to meet.


The fact that he is okay with you dating a woman but not a man belittles everything a woman could be for you. It is sexist and prejudicial and smacks of insecurities and competitiveness about men that he needs to deal with himself. I am glad to hear that he is not restricting you from being with a man, but I think that if you are going to have polyamorous relationships, he needs to accept that you cannot bend real life to a pre-conceived and pre-approved formula. Loving is loving and if a man comes along that you are attracted to and would like to explore possibilities with, he should accept it. After all, you are your own woman and he can't place demands on who and how you love.


I think it is perfect timing that you go out with this guy who asked you out for the same time your bf is on a date - it will help keep your mind off what's happening and you certainly won't be the one "left behind." It's not a manipulation, it happened of its own accord. I think you should go ahead and enjoy yourself!
 

BlackUnicorn

New member
Hullo and welcome!

I have a lot of questions on your situation, so apologies beforehand for the long post!

I emailed her a few times back and forth under the premise of being him and once I felt she could be a good match, I told him and forwarded the info so he could continue the conversation.

Hmm, this is a big red flag for me. Pretending to be someone on-line that you are not puts me off something fierce. Does she know of the trick you two pulled on her? Why can't he take care of making sure somebody is a good match by himself?

I flipped my lid and told him how disrespectful I thought it was. He told me that I'm just going to expect him to not talk to her at all at night.

And yet, I gather this was not what you wanted to say. A very common technique in arguments like this is to say your partner is demanding something unreasonable, which puts them in a defensive position. I think you came up with a decent response.

I just feel it's completely disrespectful and that she's intruding into our time together, even if it's just text. I'm feeling too much of a presence already in that regard and I don't like it at all.

Texts don't demand an answer. Calling continuously would be intrusive. The problem is at your bf's end, and is most likely to do with NRE, as RP already pointed out.

If this is just friendship and sex, what's the big deal? I think I may be worried that he might fall or her or him for her though I've been reassured 101 times by him that he's not going to do that or throw away what we have and that their connection cannot come close to ours...

Ah, but the thing is, that is a promise he really can't keep, I fear. The whole expression 'to fall for sb' implies that it is not something you plan for. Trying to manage his emotions and put limits on what he can and can't feel is a fail-proof method of creating heartbreak and misery IMHO.

Now this is something I have NO control over aside from groundrules I laid out (he thinks I went a tad overboard on the boundaries and says he wouldn't ask half of what I am) and not "knowing" everything is bothering me. I feel left out. How am I going to deal with this once he does start seeing her weekly?

Probably like shite, if the three of you won't start addressing these issue well beforehand. The idea that you can actually control anyone else's actions but your own is a dangerous illusion. Let go of it now - trust me, you'll feel much lighter afterwards.

...he was NOT cool with that. Demanding to know why I needed to? What questions could I possibly have for her that he hasn't answered?

Hmm, a tad defensive he seems to me. What does he have to hide?

I trust him, but I don't trust her potential feelings or motives because I don't know her. This not knowing her is getting to me, I know it. Why do I desire to know her so bad? Is it to assert my place? I don't want to come off as a bitch and I want them to have fun, but I want her to know that's all it is and all it can be. He says they've already talked about that and that's all she wants. No love or anything.

You answered your own question. You are scared beyond belief that your bf might cultivate a romantic relationship with someone else than you, and you want to make sure this woman knows whose the alpha female of the pack.

I don't know why he is so reluctant. He says it's just weird to him. Says he wouldn't want to meet or know any of my partners, sure he'd have questions or would want to know about them, but as far as meeting them, no...he has no interest he says and doesn't feel it's necessary for me either. Says he doesn't think I would like her for the sheer fact of what she is doing.

He's not you and you are not him. Moot point. This is a MAJOR red flag for me - why is he so scared to let the two of you meet?

The more he tells me he doesn't want me to meet her, the more uncomfortable I am, so I guess I should just drop it

That is a good sign that you should definitely NOT drop it, because the more you let it fester, the bigger hurdle it will become.

Is it odd for me to go out with him tomorrow when my bf is meeting his potential secondary? Or should I choose another night?

Actually, most folks think of something to do while their partners are out on dates. Meet up with friends, go to the movies/theater/concert, engage in a hobby etc. It might be a good idea to be around other people.

Sorry if I sound a bit blunt, I do think there is potential in here but just worried about a lot of stuff you wrote.

Courage!
 

gamerprincess

New member
Hullo and welcome!

I have a lot of questions on your situation, so apologies beforehand for the long post!



Hmm, this is a big red flag for me. Pretending to be someone on-line that you are not puts me off something fierce. Does she know of the trick you two pulled on her? Why can't he take care of making sure somebody is a good match by himself?



And yet, I gather this was not what you wanted to say. A very common technique in arguments like this is to say your partner is demanding something unreasonable, which puts them in a defensive position. I think you came up with a decent response.



Texts don't demand an answer. Calling continuously would be intrusive. The problem is at your bf's end, and is most likely to do with NRE, as RP already pointed out.



Ah, but the thing is, that is a promise he really can't keep, I fear. The whole expression 'to fall for sb' implies that it is not something you plan for. Trying to manage his emotions and put limits on what he can and can't feel is a fail-proof method of creating heartbreak and misery IMHO.



Probably like shite, if the three of you won't start addressing these issue well beforehand. The idea that you can actually control anyone else's actions but your own is a dangerous illusion. Let go of it now - trust me, you'll feel much lighter afterwards.



Hmm, a tad defensive he seems to me. What does he have to hide?



You answered your own question. You are scared beyond belief that your bf might cultivate a romantic relationship with someone else than you, and you want to make sure this woman knows whose the alpha female of the pack.



He's not you and you are not him. Moot point. This is a MAJOR red flag for me - why is he so scared to let the two of you meet?



That is a good sign that you should definitely NOT drop it, because the more you let it fester, the bigger hurdle it will become.



Actually, most folks think of something to do while their partners are out on dates. Meet up with friends, go to the movies/theater/concert, engage in a hobby etc. It might be a good idea to be around other people.

Sorry if I sound a bit blunt, I do think there is potential in here but just worried about a lot of stuff you wrote.

Courage!

Thanks so much for all the input, BlackUnicorn :) Greatly appreciated and no worries on the bluntness, really. I constructively accept all questions and opinions.

In regards to the ad I posted, I posted that on my own free will because after our unicorn hunt failed after a few years, we wanted to be open to other forms of poly and as a surprise I posted the ad. I didn't even tell him about it. I wanted to find a woman I thought would be a good match, someone that I would be comfortable with him being with. Once I got a reply and she seemed to be a nice fit, I told him I placed the ad and that I fot a reply after a while and after finding out a little bit about her, I think he might like her and should continue the conversation. I know him almost better than himself, we are so much alike. I know he would trust my judgment. It just sucks that these insanely jealous feelings started once things started happening. She is aware of it and told him it was kind of cute that I was almost picking out the woman for him.

I have kept my cool about the texting, and even today told him.. "Hey, its OK you can text her you know..I'm not going to be upset if you do and you don't have to hide it" as we had off together during the day, when I usually work on Sundays. I actually was OK with it and though I felt a little jealousy, I did not voice it and overcame it. I found other things to do, or I sat there in the same room watching TV being comfortable with it. It's not as bad as I thought it was I'm getting used to it.

He also is OK with me meeting her if she is comfortable with it. Apparently she had a bad experience meeting an ex's wife. The man had been cheating on the wife with her, fathered a couple of kids and then when the wife found out, she and her met..and well, it didn't go well with the mono wife, for sure. The wife was awful to her, as expected, however I explained that I am not going to be rude, yet very respectful and friendly. If he truly likes her, I will respect her for making him happy as she should respect me.

If she is not comfortable meeting at first, he will tell her that she needs to at least talk to me on the phone or via email, but will prefer we meet if it's what makes me comfortable and also in the event that he needs a ride home from her place one night (he doesn't want to spend the night, but if he's drinking I and him don't want him driving drunk) or if she comes to pick him up if she wants to drive..or if there's ever an emergency situation, which hopefully never occurs. He understands now how important it is that we are not only aware of each other, but know each other. It doesn't have to be a friendship, just a mutual respect and consideration for the other without hostility. If it turns into a friendship, even better. It would make me feel much better.

I think that we are just both so new to all of this. We're both experiencing so many different emotions and feelings. I told him about the guy who asked me out, and he was not too happy about it, but told me if that is what I wanted, he supported that. I doubt I'll go out with the guy ans I just don't feel that's what I really want. I'd rather find a wonderful woman to meet, but I think as of right now, until I sort out all of these feelings with him and her, I need to wait before adding more emotions and feelings into my head, just to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons.

He was going to meet her tonight at her request, but he canceled on her after really feeling it is too soon. I am glad he is taking a little more time to get to know her before meeting her. There are some details about her I am a little uncomfortable with as I think she might have tried to trap a married man in the past. He also feels a little weary on it and wants to know more and make his intentions perfectly clear before moving forward with meeting her.

He says he feels nervous about meeting her. It's his first in 6 years since meeting me and I think he's having feelings of hurting me irreparably. I told him he should do it on his own terms and when he feels comfortable and to not let her decide when they meet. Today, I've been very supportive of his decision to meet her and moving forward if they click. I've asked questions and when he seems nervous, I let him know it's OK and I think he should do this. I let him know I want him to be happy and if him being happy is meeting someone else who brings out another side of him that makes our relationship even stronger (absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?), then I am OK with that as I would want the happiness in our relationship to make him excited to be with her. He gives me so much love and happiness that I almost am excited for him to share that with another woman who needs it and is appreciative of it.
 

gamerprincess

New member
A few thoughts:

While your bf may be uncomfortable with the idea of meeting or hearing about anyone you date, you are uncomfortable with not meeting her. He should try to understand that the two of you have different needs, and his way is not better than yours -- for you. Some mutual respect and compromise is in order. If I were you, I'd tell him, "For my own peace of mind, I need to at least talk to her. I respect your wishes, so please respect mine, and let her know I will be in touch this week." Then make the call and see if she wants to meet.


The fact that he is okay with you dating a woman but not a man belittles everything a woman could be for you. It is sexist and prejudicial and smacks of insecurities and competitiveness about men that he needs to deal with himself. I am glad to hear that he is not restricting you from being with a man, but I think that if you are going to have polyamorous relationships, he needs to accept that you cannot bend real life to a pre-conceived and pre-approved formula. Loving is loving and if a man comes along that you are attracted to and would like to explore possibilities with, he should accept it. After all, you are your own woman and he can't place demands on who and how you love.


I think it is perfect timing that you go out with this guy who asked you out for the same time your bf is on a date - it will help keep your mind off what's happening and you certainly won't be the one "left behind." It's not a manipulation, it happened of its own accord. I think you should go ahead and enjoy yourself!

Thanks, I really appreciate ur input and I think I sort included replies to you in my reply to BlackUnicorn. LOL.
 

Bustamove42086

New member
Hi all, I'm new here and hope that I can get some great advice and support through this. I apologize in advance for the long read and appreciate any advice.

My boyfriend of 6 years and I have talked for years about exploring a polyamorous relationship. At first we were going to look for a polygamous relationship or triad since I am bisexual, but we didn't have much luck with that at all besides a threesome we had once.

A few months back, we decided that he would find a partner on the side that would be non serious and that I could find a woman of my own if I wanted. I can't see myself being with another man, so I opted for a female parter. I've had bare luck with that too. At this point, I've just dropped the idea of having a partner of my own. I feel like I'd just be doing that to pacify myself when he's not around and that's not fair to the person I'd be involved with.

I placed an ad a month ago on Craigslist to find him someone who was comfortable with him having a girlfriend already, and lo and behold, earlier this week I got a reply. I emailed her a few times back and forth under the premise of being him and once I felt she could be a good match, I told him and forwarded the info so he could continue the conversation. I felt a some pangs of jealousy, but knew it would happen.

Well, every day and night since then, he's been texting her NON STOP. It's driving me absolutely insane and though I've been trying to keep the jealousy under wraps, when we are together and he's on a text fest from 7-10 at night, it's making me bitter, evil and I've gotten so mad that we've argued the past 2 nights in a row. Part of it is also that he took me out Thursday for my birthday and while he didn't text during dinner as he told her to not bother him since we were going to dinner, after we got back to the house and had some birthday "fun" in the shower, he goes right to texting her!!!!! I had asked him to not do it on Friday night, yesterday because that was my birthday and even though we were just hanging out at home, that was our time. So, what does he do? He's texting her most of the night. I flipped my lid and told him how disrespectful I thought it was. He told me that I'm just going to expect him to not talk to her at all at night.

His point is, I'm only going to see her once a week..what am I supposed to do? Not talk to her at night when that's her free time? I told him, just not every night. I don't mind a couple times a week, and I'm sorry that it's the most convenient time for her, but since him and I work different schedules with different days off, the night time is our time to hang out and it's the most inconvenient time for me.

I may be being selfish, but I think since I'm the one making the biggest adjustment in this, that the least he could do is to tell her that is our time and for her to be respectful of that. I wouldn't text her during their time together as I respect them and that time alone. I just feel it's completely disrespectful and that she's intruding into our time together, even if it's just text. I'm feeling too much of a presence already in that regard and I don't like it at all.

I'm feeling a lot of unsure feelings. I worry about the NRE part of this and that I'm going to feel left out, hurt and inadequate. If this is just friendship and sex, what's the big deal? I think I may be worried that he might fall or her or him for her though I've been reassured 101 times by him that he's not going to do that or throw away what we have and that their connection cannot come close to ours, yet I worry it will. How much reassurance do I need??? He's feeling like a broken record.

I'm scared because it's so new to both of us. Yes we've had a threesome with another woman before, but I was involved. Now this is something I have NO control over aside from groundrules I laid out (he thinks I went a tad overboard on the boundaries and says he wouldn't ask half of what I am) and not "knowing" everything is bothering me. I feel left out. How am I going to deal with this once he does start seeing her weekly?

I don't know how to be accomodating of her..I never had to be accomodating of any other woman before in our relationship, yet he wants this and I want to keep him too so I need to learn really quick. I selfishly feel that I should always be the priority, and while I know that I am and he says I am, I think I may be making things difficult and don't want to, I just don't know how to handle what I'm feeling. It's so different than anything I've felt before.

When I told him why I didn't like the texting, and that it's my biggest trigger of jealousy because I feel she's being intrusive and too "present" during our time, he told me he would try to not talk to her so much at night and would tell her why so she can be respectful of how I am feeling. I am fine with that, however when I told him I wanted to meet her after they initially meet for dinner and definitely before anything else happens, well...he was NOT cool with that. Demanding to know why I needed to? What questions could I possibly have for her that he hasn't answered? He says that he's answered everything I've asked and thinks that I'm just going to interrogate her or give her dirty glaring looks. I feel very uncomfortable with him having a problem having us meet, or maybe it's her that has the problem and he won't tell me. Either way, it makes me uneasy and I think that meeting her is what I need to be comfortable..He disagrees.

As of now, I've lost the urge to meet her and I let him know I'd rather not hear about her and don't want to talk about her unless I have a question, but I know I have a ton of questions now and I don't want to overkill him on this. He says she doesn't want anything serious as she doesn't have the time with work and her 3 young kids, which is perfect for him, because he doesn't either with already having a serious girlfriend/borderline wife. I trust him, but I don't trust her potential feelings or motives because I don't know her. This not knowing her is getting to me, I know it. Why do I desire to know her so bad? Is it to assert my place? I don't want to come off as a bitch and I want them to have fun, but I want her to know that's all it is and all it can be. He says they've already talked about that and that's all she wants. No love or anything. Though, I still worry about that.

How do I deal with these feelings, so fresh and so painful? I know I will get over them, but how and when? He's meeting her tomorrow for drinks at night after her kids are in bed. He says it's just to talk, but I worry they're gonna go right to bed which he said isn't going to happen. I wonder about what they will do, how she will like him and how he's going to like her?

I'm the one who wanted this years ago and brought it up. It was a fantasy of mine for him to be with someone else like this, but now that it's happening I've got cold feet. I still want this, but I want to know how to deal with everything I'm feeling. I've got no poly friends or women that I know in the same boat as me, and I certainly don't know any men that I can talk to about what he's feeling. I think I need a lot of help. My closest friends I have talked to think I am crazy for even entertaining the idea and tell me this won't end well. I know it can work, I just need the guidance to help me make this work.

Thanks for listening to me babble all over the place.
Speaking from experience, I wouldn’t take his word about what they’re texting about, and I think it’s more than reasonable to want to talk to her and establish yourself as his partner before he does anything with her. If it’s just about sex for them, both should be fine confirming that to you and you deserve that! My bf had a side convo with a girl after threesome and insisted it was about nothing, but then I asked her and they had met up secretly behind my back.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Ah alas, gamerprincess hasn't logged on here since Jan 22, 2013.
 
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