Newbie advice please!

Alex

New member
Hi there,

I am polyamorous but am now exploring this more and am looking for some advice.

I (F) am in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend. We live together. Recently we started opening up our relationship with his best friend (M). We agreed on rules that we stuck to.

Me and the best friend went into a different room and were intimate as part of a game and also to start exploring the intimate side of the relationship, while my boyfriend went for a walk.

Boyfriend came back early and heard us at it and is now unhappy. He regrets allowing it to happen but is fine that it did.

He has said it was only an experiment and not a relationship which I thought it was (we were all getting closer in the weeks leading up to this and went on holiday together).

He doesn't want anything else to happen again. He keeps changing his mind as to whether it is never again, or just not in the neat future. He also seems to expect me to want to "be polyam" when he wants a threesome but otherwise not.

I have fallen in love with both my boyfriend and his best friend, and am now struggling with what to do/how to deal with the possibility of not being able to continue the MFM V relationship that I thought was going on.

For context, the best friend has said he doesn't mind either way, but has changed slightly since the intimacy and is often showing more care than my boyfriend. He doesn't know how I feel at this point, but my boyfriend does, and I have been asked not to tell him.

My boyfriend often makes the decisions about what is happening with little input from me (other than to tell him that I wanted it to happen), and no input from the best friend.

Boyfriend currently does not want to talk about it to work out what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

It does not sound like you and BF use the same definition of "polyamory."

To me? Polyamory means "many loves." So one would share love, romance, and sex with more than one partner. Like having more than 1 GF or BF. You sound like that.

To me "open" is being open to other casual sex encounters for fun. Maybe like a one time thing, or a regular sex partner or FWB, but not really looking at it being more than just recreational sex. BF sounds like this at best, but maybe realizing that playing sex games with his best friend got too weird for him.

Some people have a "messy list" like "don't date my boss, my parents, my siblings, my roomie, my best friend, etc." They agree not to date your messy people and you don't date theirs.

Because usually people want to talk to their best friends about their problems. That's who they turn to for support.

And if the the best friend IS the other dating partner... that's going to make things messy.

My boyfriend often makes the decisions about what is happening with little input from me (other than to tell him that I wanted it to happen), and no input from the best friend.

You don't seem to agree on how to practice open or poly together either.

Do you want your BF being like the boss of the group? Or do you want something else?

Boyfriend currently does not want to talk about it to work out what to do.

So don't talk right now. Instead take a time out to get your own thoughts in order.

I have fallen in love with both my boyfriend and his best friend, and am now struggling with what to do/how to deal with the possibility of not being able to continue the MFM V relationship that I thought was going on.

For an MFM V to happen, it has to be a "three people yes."

You don't have that right now.
  • Right now you have you saying yes.
  • The best friend saying he doesn't mind continuing or just letting it go
  • The BF saying to let it go.
So... that's 2 out of 3 for letting go.

So you might consider letting it all go. So it doesn't get weirder.

And if you DO pursue either open or poly with your current BF again in the future? You do some more preparation and talking before just jumping right in. And pick a dating potential that is NOT on the "messy people" list.

These might help.



If the experience means you discovered that the friend treats you better than your actual BF even though he's known you for less time? That doesn't mean you have to date the friend. Just means it was an eye opener experience.

If the experience makes you realize you set your personal standard for what you see in a boyfriend too low? You might raise the bar for what you want in a partner. If BF doesn't make the cut any more against your new personal standards? He just doesn't.

I encourage you not to rush talking. Give it a few days for cooler heads to prevail and in that time? Do your soul searching. So when you do have a conversation, it can go as best as it can.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Alex,

It sounds like your boyfriend said yes (gave his consent) to polyamory, then when you started practicing polyamory, your boyfriend decided he wanted you to pull the plug. Even if it would hurt his best friend, although I guess his best friend is saying he would be okay with things either way. It does sound like pulling the plug would hurt you though.

I am assuming that you want to stay with your boyfriend no matter what. If this is the case, then you have to act in accordance with your boyfriend's consent. If he consents to your relationship with his best friend, then you can continue in that relationship. If he withdraws his consent (and that is what he has done), then you have to pull the plug.

Of course, your boyfriend is also going back and forth on what he consents to, and under what conditions. So maybe that's a reason why you can ignore whether he consents. But basically, I believe that trying to perpetuate an MFM V under these circumstances, is asking for trouble. I think you are going to have to choose: your boyfriend, or his best friend.

I hope, of course, that I'm wrong.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Alex

New member
Thank you for your responses, and the links.

Just to clarify, it was my boyfriend's idea to start with his best friend. I guess I naively thought that it would be better for them to be friends as they would get along.

We will have to wait to talk a bit more, but one of the things that my boyfriend said recently is that he doesn't think our relationship is special if I see other people. Hopefully once everything has calmed down a bit and we talk properly we may be able to work something out.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Just to clarify, it was my boyfriend's idea to start with his best friend. I guess I naively thought that it would be better for them to be friends as they would get along.

Sex changes things. And what one thinks is cool in fantasy in their head? Can be very different in real life. You all might be bumping into that reality now.

We will have to wait to talk a bit more, but one of the things that my boyfriend said recently is that he doesn't think our relationship is special if I see other people.

If BF values emotional exclusivity and not necessarily physical exclusivity...

How's that work for him if you are seeing other people and sharing sex? Because if you see them regularly, guess what happens? People usually start developing feelings. Then its no longer emotionally exclusive. Then what?

It might be a turn on for BF for you to play sex games with a series of casual hook ups that you don't see again... but is that what you want?

If it is, adjust your expectations and agreements.

If it isn't? Say no.

Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I'm sorry you and the best friend agreed to "play a game" that involved sex, and also, for you, involved love, and now bf is deciding that's no bueno!

That sounds like it would really hurt. I've learned not to play games with sex, because it always stirs my emotions, and having the wrong people in the game can fuck me up bad.
 

Alex

New member
We all wanted to do it but the game was a way of making it a bit easier to bring into conversation.

It really does bring your emotions in, but unfortunately this seems to be something BF doesn't understand.

We had a conversation today where he focused only on what he wants, which is for it to never happen again (latest decision which he says will be the final decision).

He thinks I should just be able to get over the emotions.

I'm not sure how the best friend feels at the moment. He seems to want it to happen again when he's with me, but won't say anything when bf is around because he doesn't want it to be awkward.

They both seem to have decided that to talk about it, they're going to talk to me and I have to liaise between the two.

I feel like an emotional wreck atm and tbh I have no idea how to get over it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
How do you feel about the way your boyfriend is treating you?
 

Alex

New member
How do you feel about the way your boyfriend is treating you?
To be honest, a bit upset. I get he has now realised he doesn't like it, but to expect me to change immediately is just unfeasible.

He thinks I'm being selfish; I think he is a little bit too. As much as he thinks he is being understanding, he is not and I'm struggling to explain it to him.

All I want atm is a proper conversation for everyone to say what they want and how they feel, but it is not being considered by bf.

For now, I'm going to wait for him to process what has been said and maybe he'll be a little more understanding then.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Yes, I hope he'll be more understanding.

Keep us posted.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Let me repeat that back.

Your boyfriend suggested sex games with his best friend that you went along with.

Now that it didn't turn out like BF was hoping for? BF wants you stop and never share sex with his friend again.

And any emotions this experience brought up, you should just get over it. And if you don't insta-get-over-it? That is inconvenient to BF, and you are just being selfish bothering him about it.

Is that what you mean? He's being mean to you?

As much as he thinks he is being understanding, he is not and I'm struggling to explain it to him.

Or he doesn't have the capacity or skils or emotional articulation for this. And however it is he is saying "No. Stop talking to me about this. I am full..." You just keep on talking? So you are being mean to him by not respecting his limit or his need for a time out?

Is that what you mean? You end up being mean to him?

Or both are being mean to each other?

All I want atm is a proper conversation for everyone to say what they want and how they feel, but it is not being considered by bf.

I thought you already had the conversation?

To BF: I would like to continue in a V if you are up for it.​
BF: Sex games is one thing, you seeing other people and sharing emotions and having a "real realtionship" with them is another. I don't want to do that.​
To Friend: This experience was not a one off for me. I would like to continue in a V if you are up for it.​
Friend: I can take it or leave it. It was fun, but I don't want to mess up my friendship with BF.​

Maybe not in so many words, but that's the vibe I'm getting. Is it true? Is that what is happening here?

If so? It kinda sounds like you are struggling because you don't like what you hear from each of them because you were hoping it would lead to MFM polyship.

I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm trying to understand where you are at.

I could be wrong but it sounds like you have a jumble of different feelings. The headliner feeling being "disappointment" that this isn't going how you hoped it would. And then some "extra" bonus ones like...
  • Maybe "regret" that you went along with it and opened Pandora's box.
  • Maybe "surprise" to see how BF is reacting -- like you are just supposed to turn feelings on/off on a dime.
  • Maybe "surprise" that the friend treats you nicer than your BF
  • Maybe "surprise" that friend is take it or leave it not wanting to be awkward or rock the boat.
  • Maybe "surprise" that you find you are in love with both BF and friend now now and don't know how to process those feelings or let some of them go.
They both seem to have decided that to talk about it, they're going to talk to me and I have to liaise between the two.

Just cuz people want to you do that work / emotional labor without actually asking you if you are willing to do it? You don't have to do it on "automatic."


I feel like an emotional wreck atm and tbh I have no idea how to get over it.

How about some REST to start?

You just posted about this Wednesday. It hasn't even been a week yet. How about just not talking about it with them for longer than that? Don't mention it to either of them for at least a week. Because if you keep talking every day about it? You don't get a break from it. Neither do the. Nobody get a time out to rest or regain composure.

You don't let the adrenalin response of the body chill. You just pile on more stimulus.

I also think if this is not a joyful yes from all parties here? You could work on accepting that it's gonna be NO -- there will be no future MFM thing here.

And maybe start making your peace with that.

Maybe resolve not to do sex games again because they lead to you having feelings that you don't like having if you cannot pursue.

Maybe you could reflect on whether or not this is still the BF for you. Because if this was a game changing experience that makes you realize you rather to do poly dating, and he's not into that? Then you aren't compatible any more.

I encourage you to take the time out, rest, think, and do your soul searching.

Galagirl
 
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FallenAngelina

Well-known member
He thinks I should just be able to get over the emotions.
Clearly, your BF doesn't understand how people work. My guess is that polyamory is only one of many areas in which your BF finds it difficult to be close, communicative and vulnerable.
 
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