Newbie Poly


New member
I'm 40 and have been married for quite a while now. We're recently separated. My wife wont tolerate the idea of polyamory (it's what cheaters tell themselves).
My friend Lynn of 20 years realized we are and always have been in love. She's married to Steve. She loves him but no one wants to hurt anybody. She finally got up the nerve to tell him about us and our feelings. He took it relatively well compared to how most people are taught to react.

So we all got together to share feelings and anxieties. That was a long day! But extremely productive. Steve realizes that Lynn wants to be with us both, and will be unhappy if that can't happen, and we'd both be unhappy w/o her. He also wasn't deluded that because of our feelings, it'd eventually lead to Lynn and I making love.

We talked about jealousy, and from what I read jealousy stems from some fear, anxiety, or insecurity. Steve had some problems when Lynn gave me affection. I know Steve and Lynn were holding back from me, so I told Lynn that I'd rather face that now than have it become a bigger problem later. You know what? When they were affectionate, at first it was a little hard for me, but I reminded myself that that doesn't mean she loves me less or there is a competition and that I know when she is with me, she really is with me.
That made it ok, better than ok, it was good. I didn't have those fears & insecurities. I told Steve about them too, which I think helped him too.

We moved inside to the couch, and sat some more, and gradually let ourselves be more openly affectionate, kissing, caressing, and holding. We nodded off a few times against each other, and eventually we all went to bed...the same bed with Lynn in between. We all woke up the next day...and all of us were the happiest we'd been in a long time.
I'm pretty sure I'm poly myself, because I generally have little problem with jealousy, and of most the girls I've fallen in love with, I still do. I understand loving more than one person at a time. It's easy for me. I've been fighting with myself my entire married life because of it too. Being raised believing monogamy is the only possible way (and a wife that reinforces that, despite her own 'mistake' before we met). With that idea and carrying around the guilt because of it...that's not life, it's existing.

Well, here I am. We haven't classified ourselves yet (primary/primary, primary/secondary). We'll play it by ear. We're all new and planned on taking things slow..until we ended up sleeping in the same that wasn't expected, but it was welcomed by all of us. Now we're all wondering was that a dream? Did all that really happen?

So, hi everybody.


New member
IsntLifeFun, that was a wonderful story. Thank you.


New member
Thank you! I gave the light-n-happy version of things. Kept out all the hell we've gone through (and I am still going through). I'll get to that sooner or later.


New member
The hell part was coming to the realization that I'm poly and being able to talk with my wife about that (among other things). I've been going 20 years thinking there's something wrong with me because I'm not jealous of her (or little if any of anyone else), that I can love several people at the same time, etc. I've been living as much as a recluse as I can because I didn't want to find myself in a situation where I might like someone.
My wife and I are still working to see what's best for everyone.


New member
Realizing you are poly, especially when you are already in a relationship and your SO doesn't take it well, is never a fun place to be. For that reason, I am glad to hear that Steve's reaction was not one of complete shock and despair. He offers a glimmer of hope that things can proceed with Lynn without the Universe imploding in on itself.

I wish the same was true of your wife, but not everyone is that lucky. It sounds like there are tough decisions ahead of you.


New member
My SO is taking it well, actually. Other issues aside, she understands now that this is who I am and can't change that.
So now we're dealing with me having misled her. I just didn't know what label to put on myself let alone how to talk about it w/o fear of hurting her.

I'm sure most of you realize, but having come to terms with being poly is a huge weight off.


Active member
So now we're dealing with me having misled her.

You didn't mislead her. You had a revelation about yourself. You wrote, "I've been going 20 years thinking there's something wrong with me..." That's no reason to think you were misleading her. I think it would be more important to look forward and figure out how you will manage this new stage of your life, rather than looking backward and searching for possible deceptions to "come to terms with." The past is done.