Newbie to Poly

Little Zo

Little Zo

New member
Hey everyone! I'm completely new to poly relationships! I am in the very early stages of divorce from a 24 year long mono marriage. I have recently entered a poly D/s (I'm a sub) relationship, which is currently only online, but I know will progress into more.
I'm here to learn more about how to control my anxiety that I'm going to get jealous and screw things up. My Dom has been very open and honest to me, he says he loves and treats his subs equally, but I still get bursts of jealousy when I know he's with someone else.
I'm looking forward to making some friends here, and sharing my thoughts and experiences with you ❤
 
Greetings Little Zo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Everyone feels jealous from time to time, even polyamorists. You are not screwing things up, it is okay to feel how you feel. The thing with jealousy is you just want to learn how to manage it. Here are some links that may help:
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you so much!
I have to admit, I've surprised myself! He is away with his family over the weekend, I thought I'd be upset, but I am actually happy for him to spend quality time with his family. He's reassured me, and praised my acceptance, which I think has helped me immensely!
 
Little Zo said:
Hey everyone! I'm completely new to poly relationships! I am in the very early stages of divorce from a 24 year long mono marriage. I have recently entered a poly D/s (I'm a sub) relationship, which is currently only online, but I know will progress into more.
I'm here to learn more about how to control my anxiety that I'm going to get jealous and screw things up. My Dom has been very open and honest to me, he says he loves and treats his subs equally, but I still get bursts of jealousy when I know he's with someone else.
I'm looking forward to making some friends here, and sharing my thoughts and experiences with you ❤
Click to expand...
hi dear. I'm a switch I understand where you are coming from.
 
the jealousy thing is normal if you are first starting out in the LS. you need to look at it as you are his. he may have other subs but that's part of the LS. if you are not at the point where you a good sharing perhaps ask your Dom to not talk about the others and just focus on you when he is with you. just remember you are his and he is yours. do you also play with his other subs?
 
Little Zo said:
Thank you so much!
I have to admit, I've surprised myself! He is away with his family over the weekend, I thought I'd be upset, but I am actually happy for him to spend quality time with his family. He's reassured me, and praised my acceptance, which I think has helped me immensely!
Click to expand...
So you are not only jealous/envious of his other subs, you thought you'd be upset just because he was going to visit family? I guess you and your ex never took trips separate from each other?

Are you mainly interested in learning how to be a bit more independent, your own person, even if you are a sub to this guy? You will be thrown on your own resources more, since he has other partners, family, etc. Plus he's long distance. You're not immersed 24/7 in a live-in situation.

I hope you have a friend group and/or family for support.
 
naynay84 said:
the jealousy thing is normal if you are first starting out in the LS. you need to look at it as you are his. he may have other subs but that's part of the LS. if you are not at the point where you a good sharing perhaps ask your Dom to not talk about the others and just focus on you when he is with you. just remember you are his and he is yours. do you also play with his other subs?
Click to expand...
Hi naynay, thank you for your comment 😊
He devotes his time with me purely to me, he never mentions the others, which allows me to control any jealousy. It's only if I think about the others that I get the feeling of jealousy. We are long distance, (meeting in person for the first time a week!) his subs are online so assume they don't have physical contact often. Most of our interactions are through video chat at the moment.
 
Magdlyn said:
So you are not only jealous/envious of his other subs, you thought you'd be upset just because he was going to visit family? I guess you and your ex never took trips separate from each other?

Are you mainly interested in learning how to be a bit more independent, your own person, even if you are a sub to this guy? You will be thrown on your own resources more, since he has other partners, family, etc. Plus he's long distance. You're not immersed 24/7 in a live-in situation.

I hope you have a friend group and/or family for support.
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Hey Magdlyn,
Having been in a very restricted monogamous marriage for over 20 years, the adjustment is challenging in part. I am loving the physical freedom I have now, I just need to get myself there mentally. Having said that, so far it's not been too bad. He totally understands my situation, and never talks about the others. He is gently encouraging me to having other partners (m&f) as long as he, as Dom, approves. Baby steps, I think I'm going to love my new life!
 
Are you polyamorous? Do you WANT other lovers? Or would you be better off just increasing your friend group?

You say you're in the very early stages of dating, and so far it's been online. Do you feel ready to date more than one? How ready are you to date a poly man? You're not interested in monogamy anymore?

Questions, questions...
 
Wow... OK. We all need to start somewhere...

I am done with monogamous relationships. However, I am not rushing into to anything. Having spent my entire adult life conforming to the "norm," I am approaching my new life with care. My Dom is helping and supporting me as I transition to a whole new way of living. I am taking my relationship with him step by step. Remember, I've been married for 24 years, so I'm not leaping blindly into this! I will be introduced to new partners, in fact, I have been actively seeking them.

Just a little sure note...when someone completely new to this life introduces themselves, perhaps just welcome them and offer support where needed, rather than making them feel like they don't belong, and have to justify their feelings?!
 
Little Zo said:
Just a little sure note...when someone completely new to this life introduces themselves, perhaps just welcome them and offer support where needed, rather than making them feel like they don't belong, and have to justify their feelings?!
Click to expand...
You are very welcome here and have received that support. Questions from long-time members are not meant to make you defend anything, just to get you to think. So many people come here to get support to help them transition to poly because their partner poly-bombed them, or a new partner is poly and they are doing it FOR them, which never works out.

We very much support people doing what they choose for them. You talk a lot about being mono for 24 years... repeatedly... so it's worth asking if this is what YOU really want. Sometimes the best support is letting you know that jealousy is VERY normal. It's just an emotion like any other, and over time you'll learn how to cope with it. Because it is a normal emotion, it's very rare when a person says they don't feel jealousy, usually because it's just not in their emotional wheelhouse, for some reason. It's like men raised in toxic masculinity that don't cry, and instead of feeling hurt, they feel anger, I suppose.

But sometimes what that person really needs is to be told that it's okay to be mono. It's okay to say no, you don't want this. It's okay to have this difference between you and your partner that is just incompatible.

The questions are just meant to see if this is what you really want, so we can best support you in the way you actually need.
 
Bobbi said:
You are very welcome here and have received that support. Questions from long-time members are not meant to make you defend anything, just to get you to think.

The questions are just meant to see if this is what you really want, so we can best support you in the way you actually need.
Click to expand...
Yes, I always tend to ask a few questions of people who seem to want support, so I can offer the best advice, information, or support. I don't want to give advice that isn't relevant. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was coming on too strong. I was just trying to get to know you.
 
To clarify. LS = lifestyle. This sounds like swinging where typically couples engage other couples for sex. In poly, it is more about love with partners usually experienced one at a time. And then when kinks (a nontraditional turn on, which arguably we all have) reach a certain level, the focus can be bucketed into the fetish domain.

So in support of Magdlyn, there may be a more focused forum out there for you to identify as a Sub. Fetlife for example. Magdlyn is nevertheless, an expert at distinguishing traits to best offer support. And here advice is as good as it gets. If you do not believe me, go through some of her other posts. She has a lot of experience too.

And I will echo Bobbi. You are most welcome here. I hope your pursuit of happiness is freeing and successful. I also wish you care, education, and the best.

And by the way, my intro in this forum was literally a square peg in a round hole. We each have our thing. And its all great, fine and perfect.
 
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