Not supposed to compare ourselves, but...

redsirenn

New member
Do you know what I find REALLY attractive in someone?

Confidence.

RE: classy caveman -

"polyeatery" HAHA! I almost peed when I read that.
 
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redpepper

New member
Maybe you are mono Vexxed? Maybe it would suit you better to find someone who you love entirely and they love you entirely... a primary perhaps and then invite other love to your life? then there is the possibility of no anxiety and stress where your questions are concerned... of course you will have to give up bringing poly hotties to meetings and having women swoon over you. Or at least let that go until you firm up a primary relationship.

I personally don't think that you have to be in this situation and if you were personally in my life I would not judge you if you wanted to pursue a monogamous relationship. I have lots of friends and most of them are mono and quite happy that way... some of whom decided to open their relationships later some didn't or haven't. it's all good I just hate to see someone settle into just sucking it up... why? when life is short enough as it is and you may just be missing out on a deeper love with someone else.... missing a door opening so to speak.
 

Vexxed

New member
I'm familiar with the term compersion. I feel compersion when it comes to sex. I hope that she is having really good sex with him.

It is tough for me when it comes to the issue of being entertaining, and being fun.

I don't feel like I need to make more money for her to love me. I just feel like I'd be more admirable if I had a more respected career.

I do exercise to maintain my body for my own health, but also because it is one area that I can be attractive in. I watch her admire my body, and I will work hard to keep having a body that is admirable. She also complements me on it.

I want to be in a relationship with a woman that has other partners. I have wanted that for a long time. I may date another woman too, but I'm not going to settle and just have one more girlfriend from the poly group just because I have some open nights on my schedule.

As for what I find attractive in a woman, it isn't just looks alone. She is already aging, has wrinkles, and so on, but I do find her attractive. I tell her with sincerety how pretty I think she is. I still would like to grow old with her. She is an amazing woman in so many ways.
 
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ak2381

New member
How?

I guess being new to this whole thing and it happening through my husband cheating and us coming to terms that this is the next step in our marriage, I am not sure how to avoid comparing myself to his girlfriend.
I have had threesomes with her and him before they messed up and broke the rules that we set. I know she is very good in bed. I know her lifestyle with her own husband is very open and experienced and kinky. I grew up in a very religious monogomous household. I feel very inferior to her sexually. She spends more time with him during the day than I do because they work together. How do you get past the comparing part?
I even compare what he thinks about me to her even though I know that is very bad for the situation.
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
How do you get past the comparing part?

I hope I can add 2 cents worth that will cover both concerned posters.
Ceoli and Red Pepper have shared some valuable views. Maybe I can expand on or simplify them. (please forgive me ladies for borrowing your thoughts)

Simple: Relationships are NOT a competition !!!!!
I know there is a whole mentality out there in certain circles of the population that don't seem to grasp this.
But think about it................
How much value are you putting on another human being if they are nothing more than a carnival token - to be won, lost, possessed.
If this is indeed your view of other people then I expect you will have much frustration and heartbreak in your life.

Someone might accuse me of being "old" in this view - out of touch with this 'modern world'. I can only offer you this. This was a discovery I made when I was maybe 16-17 years old. That discovery changed my life from that day forward.

When it seems we have someone who cares for us, I find it better to try to discover what the basis for that is. If it's no more than looks, money,position etc, I'm on my horse and headed the opposite way. FAST ! Anyone as superficial and shallow as that has a disease I'm not willing to expose myself to !

GS
 

polytriad

New member
I hope I can add 2 cents worth that will cover both concerned posters.
Ceoli and Red Pepper have shared some valuable views. Maybe I can expand on or simplify them. (please forgive me ladies for borrowing your thoughts)

Simple: Relationships are NOT a competition !!!!!
I know there is a whole mentality out there in certain circles of the population that don't seem to grasp this.
But think about it................
How much value are you putting on another human being if they are nothing more than a carnival token - to be won, lost, possessed.
If this is indeed your view of other people then I expect you will have much frustration and heartbreak in your life.

Someone might accuse me of being "old" in this view - out of touch with this 'modern world'. I can only offer you this. This was a discovery I made when I was maybe 16-17 years old. That discovery changed my life from that day forward.

When it seems we have someone who cares for us, I find it better to try to discover what the basis for that is. If it's no more than looks, money,position etc, I'm on my horse and headed the opposite way. FAST ! Anyone as superficial and shallow as that has a disease I'm not willing to expose myself to !

GS


1+ on this.

also if this guy was a idiot I don't think you would be going out an purchasing a "being and idiot for Dummies" look at it this way. If you took him out of the scenario would you still feel the need to change or be better then you are?
if your answer is yes then I commend you to make those changes if the answer is no then keep being you. I mean come on ..... she must like the you, you are right now.
 

Ilove2men

New member
Question for you. Have talked to anyone in your poly dynamic about this? What I see is a huge inferiority complex that seems to be overwhelming you. He's got a better job and is wittier than you.... and? You're doing a whole lot of if onlys. Its a big waste of your time. Besides working out are you trying to be more than you are? This is time that could be spent with her, the obessing I mean. Have you thought about acts of service while she is on a date with him? How about you spend that time doing one of your creative romantic things for her or for both of them when they return. Rose petals, coffee and desert, or a steaming hot bubble bath. Get out of your head for a while.

Back to the main point of talking with them. My fiance had a similar issue early on. The comparing... and they have nothing in common except for the fact that they both love me and I love the both of them. He was obsessing over it and there was little I could do about it. I listed all the reasons why I love him. It wasn't until he heard from my boyfriend's mouth the talk of my love for him that he started to believe this isn't about him not being good enough. Talk with her boyfriend. Talk with her husband. See things through their eyes. The things you see between them is what YOU see. I bet they would love to hear about the way they effect each other from your eyes annd I bet you would benefit about hearing how you effect her and she you. Maybe it will calm your restlessness.

Another thing. You say she meets all your needs but then you talk of if you had a better career she would admire you more. Maybe she does. Maybe you are blinded by your insecurities. Or maybe without you knowing your insecurities is what is making you less admirable. We all think we can hide things and that we do a good job of it. The truth is everyone around us can sense when something is off. They might not know what exactly it is but it has consequences nonetheless.
 

dakid

New member
i just want to pick up something i don't think anyone has yet, amongst all these incredibly wise words in this thread (some of which, by the way, i have copied into my journal because they speak to me so strongly!).

vexxed you mention a few times things that you feel would make you attractive to more women. it just made me think a bit about my own situation (i am suffering some similar insecurities to yours right now, i think). what i came up with was a question - do you (or i) want to be attractive to lots more people, or do you want to be attractive to the lover you have? maybe a bit of both is the answer, but really, deep down what is your priority right now? quality or quantity?

applying it to myself, i come up with that i want to be attractive to him. i want to blow his mind and be the love of his life. fact is, i probably am one of the major loves of his life, and probably that is as good as it gets. i can waste my time competing to be the one as if i am in a disney movie, or i can appreciate the love and passion he does feel for me.

there are millions of people on this planet, and i am never going to be attractive to all of them. i've had people i am not impressed by find me attractive and you know what, i wasn't even flattered. i didn't respect or admire them enough to care what they thought of me. but when someone who matters to me, whose judgement and values i respect, shows an attraction to me, wow! nothing like it. its the best compliment and ego-boost ever. so as long as he remains attracted to me, and wants my company, i resolve to try and appreciate what a piece of luck that is and stop caring what the imaginary majority think of me.

on paper my metamour has all of the qualities i feel i lack, and much more in common with him than i have. however for reasons of his own he chooses to spend time with me even when he could be with her that day. out of respect for his thoughts and feelings i have to assume that this person whose judgement i do respect sees things in me that maybe i don't. i resolve to work on my own self-esteem, not by blindly telling myself i am fabulous but by making the changes i need to make to feel good about myself (eg staying sober and getting fit) and praising myself for what is already good about me.

he isn't perfect either. not every woman on the planet wants to sleep with him, although some do. i always find it hard to understand why everybody of every gender is not falling at his feet, because to me he is super-great, but i guess everyone has their own taste. he says he feels the same about me, and can't understand why their not all falling at my feet. i can't see it myself, but since i know he is not an idiot there must be something attractive about me.

by the way, i have studied evolution and i'd just like to point out a common misconception about darwin's theories, which is often used by right-wing writers and thinkers to justify competition and the idea of only one way of being successful.

darwin described a two part process, essentially. most of us get to hear about the second part - survival of the fittest, but even then without the key component, which darwin talked of as the "fittest for that particular environment in that moment" not as some universal measure of fitness. eg a salmon is the fittest in a fresh water river but would soon die in a desert, where the camel would be fittest. a salmon in a river that dried up would cease to be the fittest for that environment and would die.

the other half of his theory is commonly entirely ignored, and that is the spontaneous mutation part. for there to be evolution there must be a freak born who is different from its parents and the rest of its species. only then does questions of fitness for its surroundings even come into play at all.

x
 

Ilove2men

New member
the other half of his theory is commonly entirely ignored, and that is the spontaneous mutation part. for there to be evolution there must be a freak born who is different from its parents and the rest of its species. only then does questions of fitness for its surroundings even come into play at all.

x

Oh my! I L.O.V.E. this! My loves always tend to break the mold and they always consider themselves odd or a "freak of nature" or just "nothing special" hehe but to me.... They are amazing and I want to explore every detail of their beings because the are so beautiful to me. Your whole post hit me like the perfect hallmark card. lol Darwin = Hallmark. Looks like I'm the "freak" as well.
 

classycaveman

New member
the other half of his theory is commonly entirely ignored, and that is the spontaneous mutation part. for there to be evolution there must be a freak born who is different from its parents and the rest of its species. only then does questions of fitness for its surroundings even come into play at all.

Ohhh... Dakid... Einstein cautions you: "Things should be made as simple as possible -- but no simpler." Over-simplification can lead to terrible misunderstandings of complicated concepts, and even worse, pseudoscience.

just sayin'.
 

dakid

New member
couldn't agree more classy caveman, its the over simplification that commonly abounds about darwins theories that i am trying to challenge here.

obviously the ideal would be for folk to actually read his words, and i'd encourage anyone at all interested to do so. he's surprisingly easy to read.

its not a terribly complicated theory actually, but it does have these two crucial elements which are often misrepresented.

x

Oh my! I L.O.V.E. this! My loves always tend to break the mold and they always consider themselves odd or a "freak of nature" or just "nothing special" hehe but to me.... They are amazing and I want to explore every detail of their beings because the are so beautiful to me. Your whole post hit me like the perfect hallmark card. lol Darwin = Hallmark. Looks like I'm the "freak" as well.

yay here's to the freaks! thanks to us the human race even exists :D

take care ilove2men

x
 
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Vexxed

New member
UPDATE: My relationship with her is going well. We are closer in our relationship now than we were 3 weeks ago. Intimacy and closeness between us has progressed in a positive direction.

Nevertheless, I still feel inferior in those same ways. I do feel less ashamed about having a lowly job, but the other issues are still there. I also still feel that my insecurities are legitimate.

I think that I'm doing better now because I've just come to accept the fact that I'm less impressive than he is. It's just my place. I'm accepting my inferiority. Fantasizing about the fun that she has with him entertains my mind slightly, and it is a neat distraction. I'm just her young fit guy that can do a couple of outdoor activities with her. Other than that, he is the entertainer, and more captivating in other ways as well.

I went through stages of panic and frustration. Now I'm just weary, and accepting my position.

I also think that some of you are in denial when you claim that one person can't have higher value than another on the dating market. Yes, even if the more egalitarian world of polyamory.

Question for you. Have talked to anyone in your poly dynamic about this? What I see is a huge inferiority complex that seems to be overwhelming you. He's got a better job and is wittier than you.... and?

I already disliked those things about myself before dating her. This situation magnifies the issues that I'm concerned about. He really is wittier than me. She laughs often with him, and appears to be really tuned into him.

Ilove2men said:
Besides working out are you trying to be more than you are? This is time that could be spent with her, the obessing I mean. Have you thought about acts of service while she is on a date with him? How about you spend that time doing one of your creative romantic things for her or for both of them when they return. Rose petals, coffee and desert, or a steaming hot bubble bath. Get out of your head for a while.

Yes, I've also been reading a book called She Comes First. I have been organizing my bedroom, and keeping it clean. She compliments me on my cleanliness, and has complained about his clutter. I've done romantic things for her, such as cuddling on a sheepskin in candle light. I've also been thinking about my conversation skills. I'm considering taking a third college English class. I've done the dishes once on their date night.

Oh, and the time that I'm spending when I'm worrying can't be spent with her. I already get all the time that is available to me. She is quite a busy woman, and there isn't any time when I'm worrying that I could call her up and go spend time with her. Also, my most stressful nights are when she is with her boyfriend. I sure can't spend that time with her, instead of worrying.

Ilove2men said:
Back to the main point of talking with them.

I told her in early January that I was feeling insecure because he talked much more than me, and seemed to entertain her much more. She agreed that he talked more, and in the following days, she said that she pays more attention to what I say. Still, in my eyes, she has more "FUN" talking to him. I'm not going to rehash that and show that it is still an issue.

I'm limited as to how often I can admit insecurities. If I admit too many, a relationship with me will be a burden, and not worth it to her. So, I fake it till I make it. I act confident till the night ends with us smiling. I do slip up, but I'm a good actor.

Ilove2men said:
The things you see between them is what YOU see.

The things that I "see" may not be 100% accurate. Also, it could offend her husband, or trigger insecurity in him for me to admit that I see her being much more tuned into her other boyfriend, being giddy with him, and appearing to be captivated sometimes. Telling her husband that might really rock the boat, even though it wouldn't be my intention. So, I will not tell all of them.

---> Furthermore, I want to watch her and her boyfriend have sex. **They will not let me if they know that I have these insecurities.

I have told her that they appear to have really good chemistry, and that I'd like to see how that continues behind closed doors. So, she already knows that I think they have good chemistry, even better chemistry than I see between her and her husband (I told her so).

Ilove2men said:
I bet they would love to hear about the way they effect each other from your eyes annd I bet you would benefit about hearing how you effect her and she you. Maybe it will calm your restlessness.
That would bring the imbalance that I see to light. I see him being impressive to her in at least 8 to 10 ways. I'm impressive to her in maybe 4 ways. She could get creative and find more ways that I'm attractive to her, but they'd be minor, or he would actually exceed me in those areas also.

Ilove2men said:
Or maybe without you knowing your insecurities is what is making you less admirable. We all think we can hide things and that we do a good job of it. The truth is everyone around us can sense when something is off. They might not know what exactly it is but it has consequences nonetheless.

I know my insecurities. I know what they are, and I think they are legitimate I also know that a small percentage of what I say to her reveals that I have some insecurities. I'm considering getting counselling, but I may not.
 

Vexxed

New member
"fittest for that particular environment in that moment" not as some universal measure of fitness. eg a salmon is the fittest in a fresh water river but would soon die in a desert, where the camel would be fittest.

In most different situations, I'm still inferior. So, I'm slightly more physically fit, and her and I have two outdoor hobbies that he doesn't have an interest in. That's it.

I've been more romantic. She's complimented me on that, but I've wore out that avenue for now. Things have reached a point where we've been "making love" too much. She was hinting about having more raw sex, just for the sake of sex. He's really good at that. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a steep hill, staring up.

Oral sex is supposed to be the life raft for the guys that are less skilled at humping, but he's superior to me in that way too. He can get her off orally, and I have not been able to, even though I've just finished a book about going down. I've also asked her for pointers, but she doesn't tell me how to lick her. She just oohs and aahs a little, then asked me to climb up and enter her with my penis. I already know that her other two lovers can get her off orally. I think that she has lost interest in me bringing her to orgasm in that way. As for myself alone, I can not bring her to orgasm. She has to do it.

So, you see, even with the things that some guys use as backups to feel confident about, I can't pull it off. He's already proficient, while I'm behind the curve trying to figure it all out.

Something that makes me feel like a warrior is that I can see all of this, yet I'm still smiling when I'm with her and marching along. Now that builds my confidence! I'm fighting a beast, and I'm hanging in there! So many males could not handle knowing what I know about their relationship, while being in my shoes and having my limitations.
 

redpepper

New member
Wow Vexxed, you are an interesting man. So honest and open about what is going on for you. You make yourself so vulnerable and I admire that emmensely. If you were my boyfriend these are the traits I would respect and would bring me closer. I really hope that you are able to tell her what you have said here sometime. If I were like her it would melt my heart even more to yours.

As a woman who has had three men in her life and now has two (one is exploring different avenues at the moment), I can tell you only that the reasons I have been attracted to them for the long haul have been the kind of honesty you portray in your post. Not for all the things they did and how clean their houses were. Although that helped ;) sure they got us through the beginning of our relationships but now that we are all beyond that, it is the purity of their communication about their needs and who they really are that has kept us together.

I dearly hope that at some point in this relationship or another you become the real person you are. Because we have seen that here and you are worth that. Simply put, you are a wonderful person and by not being you, she is missing out. A real shame as she probably saw the real you before she started dating you. It was probably the reason she started dating you to begin with.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
I was reading what redpepper wrote and thought that is a wonderful positive answer. I didn't answer before because I wouldn't have been so positive. I find the things the OP says to be a huge turn-off, all the insecurities and comparing. I could never be attracted to someone who feels so inferior to others in so many ways, especially about such superficial things such as what kind of job they have or how much money they make, or whether THEY can "get me off" with oral sex. It's obvious that those things matter a lot to the OP - materialism and superficiality is something I find rather unattractive, regardless of how sensitive and caring the person might otherwise be. I could maybe be friends with such a person, but not attracted to them in a "more than friends" way.
 
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CielDuMatin

New member
I'm sorry but down this road lies madness, in my opinion.

There is always going to be someone that is "better than you", based on a chosen set of criteria. If that is your goal, then you might as well give up on life now, because you're never going to win.

I don't understand the mentality that we have to be the best, I just believe that we need to be the best that we can be, given our limitations. If that's good enough for people, then great, if not, then they will just have to move on. Spending time beating yourself up because you're not right for a particular person is counter-productive.

In particular, in a poly relationship, if you are determined to be better than the other person your partner is with, then you are essentially turning it into a competition with a winner and loser, rather than a team effort where everyone can be happy.

Is your partner happy with YOU? If not, do you agree with them that it's something you can/should work on? It shouldn't matter a BIT what the other person can and can't do.

There's a reason that we're "not supposed to compare ourselves" (well, it's not "not supposed to", it's more "it's not very useful to").

Celebrate who you are, share who you are. Yes, you have limitations, but everyone does - and I mean EVERYONE.
 

RickPlus

New member
Hi Vexxed,
I've read this thread with great interest. Earlier you said that there is ranking happening in the dating scene and you think that a lot of poly people are fooling themselves if they disagree.

My wife and I are dating now so I appreciate what you are saying but I think that there is a bit more going on. That dating pecking order is really important when you are dating, (especially if you are in a hurry to make a connection), but you are not dating now. Right?

A person may be so wonderful and full of love that they don't need to date. Potential partners step up regardless if that person is a hard body or has a nice car.

We date to get that initial connection. But once we are in a relationship with someone, the dating ranking is GONE - unless there is a "I can leave you 'cause I'm hot" dynamic going on. But from your posts, I don't think either you or your paramour are sending that message to each other.

So the dating ranking is irrelevant to your situation. I presume you told us about this to let us know your mental landscape. "I know I'm pretty hot, but I am feeling outclassed..."

Polyamory puts your life under a magnifying glass. Maybe that magnifying glass says, "Time for a career change". But I think that the others who have commented are dead right when they say, "you can't beat the whole world". At some point you have to say, so & so is better at these things, or most things, than me.

One thing that I think is good, is a relationship that it pushes you to be better than you are. You are taking some classes in English to allow you to be able to talk meaningfully about more things. Good for you! So long as it does not become an obsessive, never ending race, I think it is great that you are stretching yourself a bit.

Lastly, I believe that humans are genetically programmed to want status and respect of our peers. So it is natural to think, "am I the alpha male?" But nature only goes so far... a lot of what you describe you feeling is culture and mental habits which can be changed. So if your comparing yourself to others is wasting your time and preventing you from enjoying your present, it may be time to change some mental habits. You might want look into the teachings of Buddhism.

A final thought. You have said that your paramour is not as happy with your oral sex skills. Perhaps make a date with her to spend some time talking and working on this? It can only be a compliment that you are interesting in bringing her more happiness.

Good luck, Rick
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
Celebrate who you are, share who you are. Yes, you have limitations, but everyone does - and I mean EVERYONE.

Yea, I was trying to get my head around the right words to post and I think Ciel got the seeds out.

At sometime in our life we have to choose to discover who WE really are and try to focus on simply being best at that. As if we were the only person left on earth. When we do that - the rest seems to follow. The quest to become whole - not splintered versions of someone 'else'.

If that makes sense.

GS
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
She just oohs and aahs a little, then asked me to climb up and enter her with my penis.


Maybe she likes your penis BETTER than the other two guys' penises.

Not to be crude, but you really do need to lighten up on yourself.
 

Vexxed

New member
Maybe she likes your penis BETTER than the other two guys' penises.

Not to be crude, but you really do need to lighten up on yourself.

Negative, she likes his penis quite a bit. Quite possibly more than mines, but I wouldn't ask for such a comparison. That would be outrageous.

She gets off by rubbing herself while something is in her. Having intercourse is the most intimate way for her to do that, I think.

Wow Vexxed, you are an interesting man. So honest and open about what is going on for you. You make yourself so vulnerable and I admire that emmensely. If you were my boyfriend these are the traits I would respect and would bring me closer. I really hope that you are able to tell her what you have said here sometime. If I were like her it would melt my heart even more to yours.

As a woman who has had three men in her life and now has two (one is exploring different avenues at the moment), I can tell you only that the reasons I have been attracted to them for the long haul have been the kind of honesty you portray in your post. Not for all the things they did and how clean their houses were. Although that helped ;) sure they got us through the beginning of our relationships but now that we are all beyond that, it is the purity of their communication about their needs and who they really are that has kept us together.

I dearly hope that at some point in this relationship or another you become the real person you are. Because we have seen that here and you are worth that. Simply put, you are a wonderful person and by not being you, she is missing out. A real shame as she probably saw the real you before she started dating you. It was probably the reason she started dating you to begin with.

redpepper, thanks for your kind reply. She does appreciate my honesty and openness.

Last night I went to a party with her and her husband. We had a really good time. Then she spent the night with me.

-----------------------------
I was in the midst of writing this reply, and received a text from her. She was here visiting her other boyfriend, and wanted to come in my room and give me a hug before she left. We actually spent 30 minutes talking and kissing. It was quite an unexpected treat!

-----------------------------
Now back to my therapeutic writing.

Really, which is the real me? I've had the same insecurities for several years. That has influenced some of my decisions, and also made me who I am at this point. Isn't that the real me?

If some of you are wondering how I'm pulling this off while appearing to be very troubled in this thread, here's what I think has been happening.

1. She is a wonderful woman. I'm so thankful to be with her that I just smile and my mood lifts when I'm with her. So, my insecurities fall back in the shadows while gratitude pervades.

2. I fake it till I make it!

example: I had some insecurities about delivering sex in the mood that she wanted it last night. She was ready for sex that was raw, feisty, and fun. I was not very confident that I could deliver that sufficiently. I had a seed of hope, and that was it. What did I do? I faked it till I made it. I marched on and made it happen even if I wasn't familiar with venturing there.

I do the same during other intimate times, and times when we are just talking. I fake it till I catch a wave of confidence, which helps me make it. So, I'm pulling it off, but I do admit that I need to work on my self worth. In some areas, I'm improving myself. In other areas, I need to learn more about who I really am.

Aside from benefiting by expressing my feelings here, I hope that the writings about my journey will benefit others.

I was reading what redpepper wrote and thought that is a wonderful positive answer. I didn't answer before because I wouldn't have been so positive. I find the things the OP says to be a huge turn-off, all the insecurities and comparing. I could never be attracted to someone who feels so inferior to others in so many ways, especially about such superficial things such as what kind of job they have or how much money they make, or whether THEY can "get me off" with oral sex. It's obvious that those things matter a lot to the OP - materialism and superficiality is something I find rather unattractive, regardless of how sensitive and caring the person might otherwise be. I could maybe be friends with such a person, but not attracted to them in a "more than friends" way.

My feeling inferior in those areas, when it comes to being a desirable mate, does not accurately represent what I value.

I'm interested in voluntary simplicity and minimalism, which is totally in the opposite direction of materialism.

I have not felt insecure due to my height or my job for the past couple of weeks. When I started this thread I was listing many things, whether they bothered me often, or only when I'm down. I don't feel insecure about my height unless I've already been knocked off of my horse by something else.

What about having a sense of humor? What if I said that judging a man by whether or not he has a sense of humor is shallow and unfair? Nevertheless, women often judge men by whether or not they have a sense of humor.

Hi Vexxed,
I've read this thread with great interest. Earlier you said that there is ranking happening in the dating scene and you think that a lot of poly people are fooling themselves if they disagree.

My wife and I are dating now so I appreciate what you are saying but I think that there is a bit more going on. That dating pecking order is really important when you are dating, (especially if you are in a hurry to make a connection), but you are not dating now. Right?

A person may be so wonderful and full of love that they don't need to date. Potential partners step up regardless if that person is a hard body or has a nice car.

We date to get that initial connection. But once we are in a relationship with someone, the dating ranking is GONE - unless there is a "I can leave you 'cause I'm hot" dynamic going on. But from your posts, I don't think either you or your paramour are sending that message to each other.

So the dating ranking is irrelevant to your situation. I presume you told us about this to let us know your mental landscape. "I know I'm pretty hot, but I am feeling outclassed..."

Polyamory puts your life under a magnifying glass. Maybe that magnifying glass says, "Time for a career change". But I think that the others who have commented are dead right when they say, "you can't beat the whole world". At some point you have to say, so & so is better at these things, or most things, than me.

One thing that I think is good, is a relationship that it pushes you to be better than you are. You are taking some classes in English to allow you to be able to talk meaningfully about more things. Good for you! So long as it does not become an obsessive, never ending race, I think it is great that you are stretching yourself a bit.

Lastly, I believe that humans are genetically programmed to want status and respect of our peers. So it is natural to think, "am I the alpha male?" But nature only goes so far... a lot of what you describe you feeling is culture and mental habits which can be changed. So if your comparing yourself to others is wasting your time and preventing you from enjoying your present, it may be time to change some mental habits. You might want look into the teachings of Buddhism.

A final thought. You have said that your paramour is not as happy with your oral sex skills. Perhaps make a date with her to spend some time talking and working on this? It can only be a compliment that you are interesting in bringing her more happiness.

Good luck, Rick

Rick, I really enjoyed your reply.

I'm not taking an English class yet, but I'm considering it. I've already passed English 101, 102, and speech. I'm not sure that one more class will help me.

I do think that improving on weaknesses is worthwhile, instead of just changing my perception of those weaknesses.

Over the past two weeks I haven't felt inferior due to my height or my job. Yet, I still feel like I'm inferior when it comes to being entertaining, and having a sense of humor. I've felt like a loser on that front since I hit puberty, which was before other concerns about myself ever came into play. That is the insecurity that I have that has the deepest tap root.

Regarding my height or my career, simply changing my perception actually works. Having less to say, and being less interesting is a different story.
 
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