Not sure what is going on

[bluu_confused]

Hi all. This will be lengthy. I need help. I really want to present the facts, but I know my emotions will spill out too. So here we go.

My wife and I have known each other since high school. Our relationship started when I was comfortable and accepting of my sexuality in 2018. We were young and are only in our late 20s, currently.

She was married but separated when we first started dating. It was beautiful, falling in love. Then she got deployed. During her deployment she made a friend out there. The relationship was inappropriate. Sexual comments were made and there was touching and cuddling, but as far as I know, no sex.

When she returned from deployment, I moved and we started to live together. The friend from deployment continued to express sexual feelings and I was completely uncomfortable. I started to have severe anxiety attacks and was unable to keep a job. I wasn’t completely honest about my feelings towards that relationship, in that I said it was okay for them to be friends, but also vocalized how hard it was.

When they would hang out it would be for 8-13 hours. One time she didn't come home until 6am.

I also would go back home often, mostly for treatments I was receiving, but also to escape. Once I left and broke up with her through text. Then I felt awful and came back. Her friend had a birthday trip and I wasn’t completely comfortable with her going, but I felt I couldn’t say no. I didn’t want to be seen as possessive or anything. Once she left, I broke and I spiraled. I changed my number and packed and left.

She was pissed and very very hurt. After a few weeks of communication, I moved back. We had the very very hard conversations and we really forgave each other. It took a lot to trust that I mattered to her and that I wouldn’t abandon her.

Fast forward, we get engaged, and my libido has dropped. I have PCOS, but I have never struggled with a low libido. It has always been extremely high. I stopped birth control and thought that was why. It felt like it happened overnight. I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. She was patient with me. I tried lots of things but it never seemed to work.

It has been two years of this struggle. Sex had began to become more frequent, but not enough for her appetite. Now, we have always talked casually about having a threesome or being open to other sexual partners. After this decrease in libido, it changed a little for me, but still felt okay to talk about. I just became uncomfortable with myself, not the ideas.

We were talking about it and I said it might be more than just a thought for her, so she should just try it. A few days later she shows me messages between her and another woman. I vocalize this makes me uncomfortable and I don’t think I would be able to actually do it. This comes as a shock to her, rightfully so. But it also felt like now she wouldn’t get to be true to her. We go to therapy. The therapist tells me I am insecure, and a liar for saying I was okay with it, then changing my mind. I’m blown away and therapy stops. I feel so crushed I just say fine, she can do what she wants.

Then my wife meets someone. In person. It’s presented that she finds this person attractive, but the person isn’t interested in poly. I tell her I am not comfortable with her dating, but I feel poly is more normal than I may have thought. The next day she is gone for hours, no check in. Two days later, gone for hours, no check in. I find out later that was their official date.

I tell my wife I don’t like this. She asks for rules. I say I can't give rules for something I don’t like. Then I come back and ask that she check in, get tested, keep me aware of major shifts, and don’t have sex with me, then the other party, or vice versa.

I slowly start to feel I’m losing myself. There is a pain in my chest I’ve never felt in my life. Anxiety comes at night and just sits on my chest.

All of the rules get broken except for getting tested.

They have sex the first time on a Thursday, then we had sex Friday morning. I tell her I need space. I move out temporarily. We speak while I’m moved out. I come home to see her and I offer dates, but it is hard. She vocalized she can’t fix things if we aren’t living together, so I come back. Nothing changes. I continue to vocalize I don’t want this kind of relationship. And I tell her it feels too late to stop. I refuse to ask her to stop because I feel she won’t. She’s fully invested in this two-month relationship and even feels I should meet with the other party, which I refuse. She told me she loves her, which had broken me.

It was never supposed to be love. It was never supposed to not be an us thing. And I said no... yet here I am.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for the vent. I am sorry this is happening like this.

I'm not sure what to suggest. I could be wrong in my impression., but this is how it sounds to me, in case my POV helps you any.

She was married but separated when we first started dating. It was beautiful, falling in love. Then she got deployed. During her deployment she made a friend out there. The relationship was inappropriate. Sexual comments were made and there was touching and cuddling, but as far as I know, no sex.

Was this a cheating affair she had while deployed?

Then my wife meets someone. In person. It’s presented that she finds this person attractive, but the person isn’t interested in poly. I tell her I am not comfortable with her dating, but I feel poly is more normal than I may have thought. The next day she is gone for hours, no check in. Two days later, gone for hours, no check in. I find out later that was their official date.

Now, a few years later, you two are married, and she's moved on to dating a new lady, like another cheating affair, but just out in the open? Is this poly under duress? What is this? It doesn't sound like you actually consented to do this, more like you "gave in." Could that be that true?

From what you've written, it doesn't sound like you have a healthy relationship with your wife. Is that true?

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_11-2-2022.pdf

It kinda sounds like you think poly might be ok for pother people, but you don't want it for yourself. It sounds like you're outgrowing this dynamic, and maybe have been trying to break up for awhile, but keep coming back. Is that right?

Nothing changes. I continue to vocalize I don’t want this kind of relationship. And I tell her it feels too late to stop. I refuse to ask her to stop because I feel she won’t.

You could make the decision to bow out, and she could keep going without you. She doesn't have to stop. You don't have to ask her to stop. Because you don't want to be on this journey, you just decide to get YOURSELF off the bus; bow out of the relationship because you don't want to be mixed up in these things.

What kind of help would you need to stay gone? Maybe the following would help you discern:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

I see you are hurting. You don't have to do anything you don't want to be doing. It's ok to stop participating here.

The therapist tells me I am insecure, and a liar for saying I was okay with it, then changing my mind.

I'm not wild about this therapist, but not every therapist graduates at the top of the class. Maybe you'd want to think about a different one for individual counseling for just you.

In case it helps you find a better one:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

You need a counselor who is familiar with cheating, poly under duress, and similar issues that might apply here.

I can't quite tell what you have going on. What would like to have happen? How can forum people help you?

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

I am sorry you are hurting this much. It sounds like you are both unhappy with the relationship.

Poly might be natural to her. Loving two people at a time might be something she is well-predisposed to do, so when she thought you gave her the green light, she jumped at it.

It's not natural to you. You considered some kind of ethical non-monogamy (which was "never supposed to be love," so not poly), like you're comfortable with it intellectually, but not on an emotional level.

Then there is this pattern of ambiguity, mixed signalling and not honoring your own feelings. Can you see how many times you basically said yes when what you meant was no?

I wasn’t completely honest about my feelings towards that relationship, in that I said it was okay for them to be friends, but also vocalized how hard it was.

Her friend had a birthday trip and I wasn’t completely comfortable with her going, but I felt I couldn’t say no.

I tell her I am not comfortable with her dating, but I feel poly is more normal than I may have thought.

We were talking about it and I said it might be more than just a thought for her, so she should just try it. A few days later she shows me messages between her and another woman. I vocalize this makes me uncomfortable and I don’t think I would be able to actually do it.

I tell my wife I don’t like this. She asks for rules. I say I can't give rules for something I don’t like. Then I come back and ask that she check in, get tested, keep me aware of major shifts, and don’t have sex with me, then the other party, or vice versa.

I move out temporarily... She vocalized she can’t fix things if we aren’t living together, so I come back. Nothing changes.

I refuse to ask her to stop because I feel she won’t.

Is this something you know from your other relationships too? Is this something you carry from your primary family, or does it just occur with your wife? What fear is it based on?

It takes time, resolution and life experience to change patterns like this, but they derail our lives from authenticity and joy. Noticing them is the first big step towards progress. When the urgent stuff is resolved one way or another, I think you could work on it in your future relationships and with a therapist.

I think you could say a definitive no to all kinds of non-monogamy. I think, no matter how hard it is in the moment, you could leave and seek a more monogamously-inclined partner, because any attempt at non-monogamy so far has made you feel like this:

The friend from deployment continued to express sexual feelings and I was completely uncomfortable. I started to have severe anxiety attacks and was unable to keep a job.

A few days later she shows me messages between her and another woman. I vocalize this makes me uncomfortable and I don’t think I would be able to actually do it.

I slowly start to feel I’m losing myself. There is a pain in my chest I’ve never felt in my life. Anxiety comes at night and just sits on my chest.

I am sorry I don't see a better solution here. I don't like to recommend breaking up. But I don't think emotions this strong can be overcome to a point of being happy with poly. A different, less threatening kind of non-monogamy, way way down the road, where it's an "us" thing, done after a lot of reading, talking and careful consideration, with a partner that keeps agreements? Maybe. Not now, not at this stage of life, with this partner.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much. Right now I feel that you have to be true to yourself beyond everything else. You are killing yourself softly with all the stress, anxiety and worry. You deserve so much more. By the way, the therapist was an ass.

Much light and love to you to help on the journey ahead.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello bluu_confused,

It sounds like you were dragged willy-nilly into polyamory. Which made it not polyamory, as true poly is done with the consent of all participants. Your consent was forced. It also concerns me that your wife broke most of the rules she agreed to. She seems to be a little out of control.

It doesn't sound to me like she is going to stop having these outside affairs. Which leaves you with the unenviable task of deciding whether you are going to stay married to her under these circumstances. I am assuming that divorce is out of the question, but that means you are going to be unhappy for a long long time. I don't think you'll ever feel okay about what she's doing. Poly isn't right for you.

I also agree with what the others have said.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MoPoly]

Your therapist was completely out of order to be so judgemental. Really recommend you get a new one for yourself, and also some couples counselling with an LGBTQ+ poly-friendly therapist to help the two of you communicate fully. And maybe ask her not to date while you both engage with the counselling. This will give you the chance to fully explore the issues, and make up your mind as to whether leaving or staying is in your best interest.