Not sure what to do next.

M

Manno

New member
It has been a crazy road for the past few weeks. I stopped posting, but here I am again.

I'm the married man in a recently-formed V-relationship with my wife Alice, and her lover Jim, who is a friend of mine.

While I was toppled with a lot of exterior professional pressures for the past three months, I found out that Alice's relationship with our friend had become more intimate. While I support them 100% and am extremely happy for them, because of the pressures and the timing of this big shift in my marriage, my life spun out of control in a lot of ways. I tried seeing a couple of somewhat single women and things did not work right.

However, the pressures are completely over and I'm finally feeling like I'm gaining my bearings again. Again, I am okay with Alice's relationship with Jim. What I'm worried about here is where I fit into the whole equation and also what I'm wanting for myself.

I did meet someone over these past few months, but her life and mine are really too chaotic for anything productive to happen between us. This is a shame, as I really dig her, but recently I've realized that I need to completely let this one go. It is a shame, as she's fun, smart, and beautiful. But she's busy, and I've got to work around Alice's relationship, so it really has stunted the time I have with this new friend.

So after three months, I know exactly what I want: companionship with a woman that is looking for a friend, mixed with romance, but is willing to work with my time constraints.

Now that I know what I want, I do not know how to go about finding it. Should I be worried if this takes me down several avenues that are simply sexual, or just plain don't pan out? Not dating for ten years has kind of worried me on this level.

I recently looked at PolyMatchMaker and a few others, and I came to the realization that in the world of online-poly matchmaking, a married man looking for a female companion is like being a jackass in a unicorn safari, as it seems unicorns are all that is being sought after on those sites.

This is perhaps another one of my woes with this whole situation. Alice and Jim are pretty complete, and her poly life pretty much ends there. Though (I hope I clarified this for you, YGirl) I'm sometimes left wondering if what I may really need is a woman to share with my wife. I feel like I've been left to rebuild personal happiness on my part alone, which is surprisingly, very lonely.

Anyone have any suggestions?
 
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This may not be the type of suggestion you have in mind, but it may be helpful to you and others in the grand scheme of things:

If I were in the dating pool that is available to you (and I suppose I am - perhaps not geographically, but certainly demograhpically), I would be able to sense whether you were looking FOR YOURSELF or simply to fill a niche made available by the fact that your wife has other things to do with herself. I for sure would be creeped out by the notion that someone was interested in dating me in order to fill the blocks of time that they they are at a loose end because their partner is off doing other things.

Following from that, I also get the creepies whenever I hear a couple or one member of a couple refer to "sharing someone" with their spouse/primary partner. I get this mental image of a dessert with two spoons, or a drink with two straws. The "couple" are the spoons or straws, and the "third person" is the dessert or the drink. It is definitely the language that elicits such a picture - rather than thinking of it in terms of "someone to share", I wish people would think of it in terms of "someone with whom we both get on well enough so that we can all hang out together". I realize that it's easier to say and write "share", but I feel compelled to remind folks yet again that choice of language (vocabulary and usage) both influences and indicates the thought processes that are going on in someone's mind whether they are aware of it or not.
 
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a few clarifications

I had a hard time starting this post, and I had a feeling it wasn't going to come off as well as I had expected.

"Filling the void" isn't necessarily accurate for us. When Alice is out, I'm at home with our child, and vice versa. Were childcare not an issue, I don't think a lot of my problems would be present.

I'm not looking for someone to fill the void that I feel I'm lacking from Alice's attention. The point of us diving into polyamory was to try to grow as people, so that our relationships would provide new aspects to us during our time together.

My key frustration in this is finding a companion who is flexible enough to spend time with me when I do get the opportunity to get out of the house.

At the matter about the whole "sharing" someone, I totally agree with the implications of that language. I'm not wanting a dessert with two spoons. I wrote it in haste, aggravation, and also in jest, to go along with the unicorn statement previously. It was a bit of a cop-out because, yes, it would be easier than me lone-wolfing this, and it seems like what a great deal of people out there are looking for.
 
Manno, I hope it didn't seem like I jumped down your throat just there. I am sorry that I could not offer something that would give you a concrete way of addressing your questions/issues (and I don't mean "issues" the way people often say it nowadays - "You've got ISSUES!" - but the old way, meaning "stuff that comes up in life").
 
Jumping down my throat... no

I was wondering if I sounded kinda creepy, but I hope I clarified that.

This isn't something that can have easy answers, especially when you factor in all the parties involved. I just feel like I'd be having a better time if this was something we were exploring together, instead of me trying to work this out on my own, while Alice is pretty much saying, "I'm good."
 
Manno said:
Making me wonder if I sound creepy, kinda, but I hope I clarified that.
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Yes, you did; and I want to be very clear that I made a point to say that *I* would be "creeped-out", that *I* find [whatever] to "be creepy", and NOT to say that YOU "are" or "sound" creepy. :)
 
The issue of creepiness

Actually, one of the hardest things about the whole reunion with dating is the whole issue of making sure I *don't* come off as a creep.
 
Manno said:
Actually, one of the hardest things about the whole reunion with dating is making sure I *don't* come off as a creep.
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Maybe you're trying too hard. If you ARE "not-creepy," you shouldn't have to try to "be" not-creepy.

Don't give up. I'm sure you'll find someone nice!
 
very true YGirl

I was alluding to a specific creep factor: the whole problem of being a non-creepy "married guy looking to meet someone" which is generally interpreted as the "married guy looking to cheat on his wife" creep.

:p

-M
 
Manno said:
I was alluding to a specific creep factor: the whole problem of being a non-creepy "married guy looking to meet someone" which is generally interpreted as the "married guy looking to cheat on his wife" creep.

:p

-M
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"Occupational hazard" is one way of putting it!
 
Manno said:

I recently looked at PolyMatchMaker and a few others, and I came to the realization that in the world of polyonline matchmaking a married man looking for a female companion is like being a jackass in a unicorn safari, as it seems unicorns are all that is being sought after on those sites.

Anyone have any suggestions?
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Yeah, the poly-specific sites seem to be lacking in some key fashions.

The best poly-friendly dating site still seems to be OKCupid. I can't say it's a cure-all for poly folk seeking. I can say it has a good number of poly and poly-friendly folk on it. I've encountered a couple of women who weren't poly, yet were interested in some involvement with me had they lived closer, plus there are the currently poly folk on the site who may be interested.

As for the unicorn hunters--that seems to be very common when folks decide they want to try polyamory on for size. That could be why experienced poly folk shy away from the sites, however.
 
This may not work for you, but for me, for us, if someone isn't good enough to be able to socialize with our children, they sure as HELL aren't good enough to be in a relationship with any of us. That frees up time A LOT.

OF COURSE, we aren't having sex in front of the kids, but we do have dates, including taking them to the park, where we get to spend time being our REAL selves (mom/dad/uncle) while out with our "prospectives."

If we can't do things with the kids, we don't include them in our circle.
 
Thanks for the tip SeventhCrow

Seriously, I want to thank you.

I went onto OKC a few minutes after you suggested it, and not long after I posted my profile, I found myself in a wonderful conversation with a married, new to polyamory woman in my area. Both of us are dealing with some of the same issues, though her husband isn't already in a tight close relationship with someone. But, very similar.

We talked on the phone today, and have coffee plans for the end of the weekend. I'm pretty stoked about how it all kind of just fell together like that.

LovingRadiance:

We're really careful about whom we let meet our daughter, even social acquaintances, and really, my wife wants to be out of the house when she's with her friend.

Perhaps further down the road we will be there, but we're not there now.
 
Manno said:
LovingRadiance:

We're really careful about whom we let meet our daughter, even social acquaintances, and really my wife wants to be out of the house when she's with her friend.

Perhaps further down the road we will be there, but we're not there now.
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I understand. We're very careful about who meets our kids as well. In fact, they are homeschooled. We're pretty anal retentive. We're just THAT anal retentive about who we date as well, and that really does simplify the time issue. :)

Everyone does things differently. I get that.

My bf and I were GOOD friends for 16 years before he became my boyfriend. We're just REALLY picky. :eek:

Anyway, congrats on the good luck with OKC. ;)
 
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