I am in a long-term poly-relationship with a boyfriend and his girlfriend. I say "his" girlfriend because over these last few years that is exactly what she has become while I have become the security blanket to his relationship which does not feel so poly-anything to me. My heart is changing. Not my love for him or her but my heart is changing. My goals and life perspective are changing, but the relationship as a whole is not moving forward at least between us three. There are some obvious life changes that need to occur and would be difficult at first but would make for a healthier and stronger relationship. I'm just to figure where to go from here, because I do not wish to become the fail-safe. He and I do co-habitat while she is a bit on the long-distance side and that causes strain in any form of relationship. I respect both their emotions but I have come to realize that I have been disrespecting my own these past few years. I do not wish to make this about me, but I am becoming miserable.
Not Sure Where to Go...
- Thread starter Astrid
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I am not sure why people do this. Why can't your concerns about your relationship be about you? The thing to keep into consideration is them while trying to make you happy. You want to be able to make yourself better and happy without hurting others.
From your brief description it sounds like you feel like a live in friend with benefits instead of a lover/partner. I assume you have told him how you feel and verbalized what you want and need? That would be a good place to start.
I grabbed this from your summary. Just to give a clearer picture. Poly-fidelity is all fine and dandy as long as every party is getting what they want from it. One thing I keep reading in poly and am learning (kicking and screaming) is relationship fluidity. Theoretically not relationship ever ends, it changes and becomes fluid. In order to be fluid and comfortable and confident you are need room to grow. Poly Fidelity forces, exactly what you are feeling.
The other thing that needs to remain open is the ability to renegotiate the terms of the relationship. It is unfair to be locked into something that just isn't working for you.
I still say communicate with them and explain what you are feeling and missing. Maybe they are just clueless.
redpepper
Active member
I think some people find temporary comfort is poly fi triads and cling to it like "its us against the world! Everyone for themselves." that's all fine and dandy but the crash when someone wants to see who is out there beyond them becomes a huge problem to the stability of the tribe.
I think anyone going into any kind of relationship needs to remain fluid in theory. You don't have to act on it. You may never act on it, but when agreements become stifling because they become possessive and determined to be as they alway have, there should, in my opinion, always be options to open up a triad. There is no shame in that. You haven't failed (I find that there is an element of failure for some reason. What is that?). Change is necessary and good.
I suggest you leave them to it. No hard feelings, just keep supporting them and go out and find yourself another to love. Figure out if you want to be with your man. Work on that with him. Express how happy you are that you had such a great time with them just you three. How happy you are they have each other, but now you are needing to break out and have your love life change. They will be sad, but if they are thinking and loving you then they will have compersion. If not? Then there will be lots to consider.
I think anyone going into any kind of relationship needs to remain fluid in theory. You don't have to act on it. You may never act on it, but when agreements become stifling because they become possessive and determined to be as they alway have, there should, in my opinion, always be options to open up a triad. There is no shame in that. You haven't failed (I find that there is an element of failure for some reason. What is that?). Change is necessary and good.
I suggest you leave them to it. No hard feelings, just keep supporting them and go out and find yourself another to love. Figure out if you want to be with your man. Work on that with him. Express how happy you are that you had such a great time with them just you three. How happy you are they have each other, but now you are needing to break out and have your love life change. They will be sad, but if they are thinking and loving you then they will have compersion. If not? Then there will be lots to consider.
Thank You
Thank you for the advice.
I am starting to try and understand my own feelings. I am speaking with friends about my emotions. I am tired of feeling trapped in a relationship that attempts to define me rather than me defining my own relationship.
To hear someone else out there who understands.
I find it hard to use the word love because it has become such an overused word that in my ears while being used truly, honestly by the other two I hear the word ring false. I do not need to hear the I love you every waking moment, I am comfortable and secure. I want to be shown love and compassion, not necessarily through sex. My heart is open and I am ready to explore the world, not to be looking for another relationship but not to be pulled down by the one I in which I am already involved.
It is true, the moment the definitions have become confining I have found myself breaking and unhappy, the world becoming complicated. Life is hard. It is not meant to be easy, but all these social constraints places on me in and outside the relationship make it difficult. I do not want to lose my life I have built but I need to step outside it momentarily to figure out what will be best for me.
I turn around and wonder how it all got this way. When did it start to feel as if I could not do anything by myself. When did the insecurities creep in? I have talked, I have busted from the seams, I have explained, I've been emotional, comforting, feeling as if I am making empty promises in order to soothe the minds and hearts of Olivia and Peter. In the process, I feel as if I am lying to myself.
I do not want a triad in which we feel it is "us against the world". Because it has been crashing down ever since reality kicked in.
Thank you for the advice.
I am starting to try and understand my own feelings. I am speaking with friends about my emotions. I am tired of feeling trapped in a relationship that attempts to define me rather than me defining my own relationship.
To hear someone else out there who understands.
I find it hard to use the word love because it has become such an overused word that in my ears while being used truly, honestly by the other two I hear the word ring false. I do not need to hear the I love you every waking moment, I am comfortable and secure. I want to be shown love and compassion, not necessarily through sex. My heart is open and I am ready to explore the world, not to be looking for another relationship but not to be pulled down by the one I in which I am already involved.
It is true, the moment the definitions have become confining I have found myself breaking and unhappy, the world becoming complicated. Life is hard. It is not meant to be easy, but all these social constraints places on me in and outside the relationship make it difficult. I do not want to lose my life I have built but I need to step outside it momentarily to figure out what will be best for me.
I turn around and wonder how it all got this way. When did it start to feel as if I could not do anything by myself. When did the insecurities creep in? I have talked, I have busted from the seams, I have explained, I've been emotional, comforting, feeling as if I am making empty promises in order to soothe the minds and hearts of Olivia and Peter. In the process, I feel as if I am lying to myself.
I do not want a triad in which we feel it is "us against the world". Because it has been crashing down ever since reality kicked in.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Just a couple of questions that arose for me in reading this.
How have your goals changed? What do you want? Can it be achieved in this relationship?
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The definition of self constantly changes and I prefer the attempts to define myself rather than allowing others to define myself for me, but I have fallen deep into the pit of peer definitions and need to search for who I am again. I wish to do this within the relationship, but I wish to be able to define the relationship more so than having the relationship define me. I am content being in a healthy, loving, supportive relationship but as the days pass by my primary and I seem to bicker more and more, because our opinions of life have become to differ, finances are stressed, and our girlfriend (while she has her own life and responsibilities) only truly has eyes for the boy. Sort of an "A loves B and C, B loves A and C, C only loves B." This is how I humbly feel. I feel as if I am the one making more of the effort in the relationship with her than she is with me. I feel as if I am going to explode, and I'm feeling angry, lost, and hurt, and as if my world has started to crash down. I sometimes feel that if I stepped away life would continue on without me as if I had never existed in the first place but I know that my boyfriend really would not see it like that, and I really do enjoy life with him in it. Having her there has enriched my life but I want more out of life than just home. I want to live, to experience, to become further educated, to travel, to make new friends, I feel guilty when I make new friends whether girls or guys. I feel as if I have to hide the fact that I might want to go out of the house sometimes. I feel guilty for talking on the phone to other boys or have to explain myself when I talk on the phone to my best girl friends. I don't know how we got here. The insecurities start to add up. Does he feel as if he is cheating on me? I am like a cat, sometimes I like to be petted and other times I want to be left alone to explore the world on my own. I am young. I am adventurous, and I am tired of just sitting around. My heart is connected to many but my relationship is with these two. I'm not looking for random sex hook-ups, I'm not looking for other boyfriends or girlfriends, but my heart has connections which I have a lot of my life keeping alive and well, those connections are my friends, my world, and it is hard to bring my whole world together when it feels as if everything is being blown apart.
EugenePoet
New member
Forgive me if I get it all wrong, but what I find are the words of someone who needs very much to find who she is, and to fall in love with her own life.
No, you can't do that by living for others' relationships. You can't do it by making other people happy while ignoring your own happiness. You can't do it in a trap, no matter how much you had to do with it in the first place.
You don't HAVE to look for hookups! Or other lovers. It sounds to me like you need life, not sexual relationships. But you feel guilty when you go outside the triad/vee.
Here's a critical question: is that guilt completely from your own psychology, or is it at least in part coming from the attitudes of your BF and his GF? It's possible for subtle behavior cues from the others to influence you and make you feel guilty, even if they never come right out and say you're doing something wrong.
If their attitudes have a part in making you feel guilty, then you need to think why that is and whether or not you must consciously override their attitudes. Doing so will probably involve stepping back from them emotionally a little bit. Which may not be a bad idea anyway.
If your own psychology is completely responsible for the guilt, then you need to think about why in the WORLD you should feel guilty for wanting to live your own life!
This is hard stuff. I wish that you step out and find quite a lot of emotional sunlight and adventure!
No, you can't do that by living for others' relationships. You can't do it by making other people happy while ignoring your own happiness. You can't do it in a trap, no matter how much you had to do with it in the first place.
You don't HAVE to look for hookups! Or other lovers. It sounds to me like you need life, not sexual relationships. But you feel guilty when you go outside the triad/vee.
Here's a critical question: is that guilt completely from your own psychology, or is it at least in part coming from the attitudes of your BF and his GF? It's possible for subtle behavior cues from the others to influence you and make you feel guilty, even if they never come right out and say you're doing something wrong.
If their attitudes have a part in making you feel guilty, then you need to think why that is and whether or not you must consciously override their attitudes. Doing so will probably involve stepping back from them emotionally a little bit. Which may not be a bad idea anyway.
If your own psychology is completely responsible for the guilt, then you need to think about why in the WORLD you should feel guilty for wanting to live your own life!
This is hard stuff. I wish that you step out and find quite a lot of emotional sunlight and adventure!
SchrodingersCat
Active member
More than anything, it sounds to me like you have outgrown the relationship.
It's natural for people to grow and evolve, and not everyone does it at the same pace, and sometimes even if they do individually, the relationship itself does not keep up.
I don't even think it sounds like you need to "find yourself" or "fall in love with yourself" ... it sounds like you already have, and this relationship has nothing further to offer you.
Excellent!
It's one thing for monos to cling to their mono lifestyle. There's a big difference between a monogamous (2-person-exclusive) relationship, and a polyamorous (non-exclusive) relationship.
Once you enter a triad, you're already proving you have the capacity to love and sustain a healthy relationship with more than one person. If you can love two, then why not three or four?
Poly-fis forgo the excuse/fear that "if you fall in love with someone else, you'll love me less" because they know first hand that it isn't true.
Sexual safety is the only valid reason I can see for clinging to poly-fi, and even then... if you trust your partner in the first place, why wouldn't you trust them to practice safer sex?
It's natural for people to grow and evolve, and not everyone does it at the same pace, and sometimes even if they do individually, the relationship itself does not keep up.
I don't even think it sounds like you need to "find yourself" or "fall in love with yourself" ... it sounds like you already have, and this relationship has nothing further to offer you.
Excellent!
It's one thing for monos to cling to their mono lifestyle. There's a big difference between a monogamous (2-person-exclusive) relationship, and a polyamorous (non-exclusive) relationship.
Once you enter a triad, you're already proving you have the capacity to love and sustain a healthy relationship with more than one person. If you can love two, then why not three or four?
Poly-fis forgo the excuse/fear that "if you fall in love with someone else, you'll love me less" because they know first hand that it isn't true.
Sexual safety is the only valid reason I can see for clinging to poly-fi, and even then... if you trust your partner in the first place, why wouldn't you trust them to practice safer sex?
Thank you again. I am starting to work it out and get my own life. A lot has been the need for personal growth and the reality that I have outgrown the relationship. I need to get a life. I need to step away sexually and emotionally. I am just taking it all one day at a time to figure it all out. I am thankful that my partners are understanding because we are currently in conversation. It really at this time needs to be about me. I need to be about me. I am really feeling good about all this and I am actively moving forward.