Novice seeking advice please

Johanna39

New member
I'm new here so please bear with me and i apologise in advance if my post is in the wrong place or upsets anyone.

I would like to tell people as briefly as i can about my relationship history and what the situation is now. I come from a BDSM background which includes power exchange. My partner is my Master and i am His submissive. I entered into the relationship under the full expectation it would be exclusive apart from some club play with others together.

I am now trying to open my mind to an alternative.

My Master had shown an interest in researching polyamory about 5 years into our relationship (we are now nearly at 7 years) but apart from discussing it with others it never went any further. I have known it would arise again but following discussions with Him, it was made clear to me that i was the primary, always would be and anyone else being considered would not just appear, i would have to know and trust her...even like her i suppose.

All well and good. I still had some concerns but was happy that everything would be open and honest. Just to explain, we don't live together, Master lives approximately 2 hours from me but we do spend roughly about 2 weeks of each month together at my house.

Last month after Master had attended a play club without me (which i'm perfectly ok with), i received an email the next evening which had also been copied to a female He had met the previous night and performed some Japanese ropework with. I had never heard of this person. It stated amongst other things that He and this person had felt a connection and that it was one that He couldn't and wouldn't ignore. There was some attempt of reassurance in the email but i felt sick to my stomach. I had expected anything like this to be discussed with me first and if possible face to face.

I am now in the situation of trying to accept this female into the equation but find i am unable to trust her. The reason being that she had seen Masters profile before that evening on a site we use that stated 'my manly and romantic needs are very well catered for' but had chosen to ignore that and proceeded to tell Him that night she thought He could provide what she was looking for.

Master instructed us to communicate via email which we have done and in which i asked why she had chosen to ignore His profile comments and although in them she has made some effort to placate me she has never answered this point. She says she doesn't want to become a threat to our relationship, that she is married and happy with her husband but i just can't get over her lack of respect for my position. Please let me say here that i am not narrowminded, hell i attend fetish clubs and play in public and there are a few females we know already who are lovely and i know i would be ok with the possibility of things going further.

So here i am. Hurt.com. I've been reading so much about polyamory these past few weeks, lots of it good stuff and it's easy to see how people are happy. But to me the overriding factor in all the relationships i've read about is the need for there to be total trust and whenever possible for each person to have some level of respect for each other.

Master issued an instruction to us both in which He stated that their relationship will only be as play partners and friends for now. I know He wants more and am desperately trying to find a way forward so i can accept this and be happy for Him. It would mean so much to Him if i told Him it was ok to take things further with her rather than Him just amending the instruction. I'm sorry if this all sounds a little confusing but the D/s lifestyle has only complicated matters in that it is His right to change or make any decisions.

So, here i am, after all my reading about polyamory respectfully asking for any advice that can be provided to help me in this journey.

Kind regards to all.

Johanna
 
Last edited:

redpepper

New member
You are not the first sub that has come here looking for answers for their master or because they are confused, jealous, untrusting etc. You are in good company. Please have a look at the threads with the tag "BDSM" and see if you find anything. You can find the tag section in the search engine on the tool bar. Otherwise, I think its a really good idea that you are asking that your master be patient and go at your pace. He sounds like a good master if this is what he is doing for you. Going at your pace is the best choice I think. Give it time, don't rush yourself for anyone and see what happens. It could be that she is trustworthy, or it could be that your gut is right and there is something off somewhere. All will be revealed in time.
 
I have known it would arise again but following discussions with Him, it was made clear to me that i was the primary, always would be and anyone else being considered would not just appear, i would have to know and trust her...even like her i suppose.

I had expected anything like this to be discussed with me first and if possible face to face.

I'm really sorry he went ahead and basically started another relationship without talking to you. That is one of the more common things that seems to happen in new poly.

I wanted to clarify, and ask if your partner SAID he would not just go forward without talking to you, or if you made the assumption (as most people would) that he wouldn't just go forward without taking it slow and talking about it.

I think it's shitty that you were informed of this in a more or less group email. I know D/s dynamics are different than a lot of relationships, and perhaps your agreements mean you have accepted that this is OK, but it smacks of cowardice to me to inform you that way. To me that is about the same as if I were monogamous and walked into my bedroom to find my partner having sex with some stranger and expecting me to embrace it or join in. I would be asking that in the future you were granted more consideration than that. But if he didn't agree with that, I sure wouldn't expect it and would make decisions accordingly

Really I think how he chooses to act from now on is what you should be paying attention to. If he is willing to go slow then I would try to feel safe (as long as you are willing to accept the new poly dynamic) and if he is not, I'd assume he was wrapped up in NRE and probably going to take a lot more hurtful actions before this thing is over.

The one thing is, I know you are upset with her. I know lots of D/s dynamics mean you make friends with her if your D tells you to, even if you don't want to - and I know the way this was introduced, that you are reluctant to do so (and she is probably kind of terrified of this, which might be why she won't respond to your specific questions). However, this is not an issue with her, it is an issue with you and your Domme, and don't let your feelings about her distract you from what the real problem here is. It doesn't matter what his profile says, he choose to act on getting involved with her, and he's a grown man responsible for his decisions. He is the one you need to figure this out with.

I hope that he just handled this first bit badly, and that you are all able to sort this out.
 

Johanna39

New member
Some very wise words already in response and i thank you both for them.

Anneintherain, in answer to your question my honest answer is yes, i may have made an assumption about not talking to me first.

I know i have knee jerked in my reactions, my pain has blinded me and i have been unable to stay calm and examine the facts clearly.
Yes, I have been hurting about the fact i had not been spoken to first but Master has apologised for this.

We have a 'trust and consent framework' document agreed last year that i have read over and over again these past few weeks. If i'm brutally honest, Master has not broken any of the rights and responsibilites agreed to by both of us.

You can be certain i will work hard to move forward and express myself and my fears in a better manner than i have previously done so with Him. The bottom line is that i love Him and want Him to be happy.

And Redpepper...yes, He is a good Master and i love Him with all my heart.

Wish me luck guys
 
Last edited:

CielDuMatin

New member
Moving a relationship from mono to poly is hard for most people. Add in a d/s dynamic and it makes it all the more challenging, in my opinion.

For me, the important part of that transition is that it's done together, with the agreement and active willingness of all. The worst poly starts have been one person telling their partner "I'm poly, get used to it and accept me!" without any real discussion. When you're in a d/s setup where there is a "master" that dictates what folks should be doing, and issues "instructions", then it takes a VERY good dom/me to make that transition in a way that totally takes into account the feelings, insecurities and fears of the sub.

Doing what he has, and informing you in an an email, is a crappy way of going about it, dom or not. It doesn't respect you or the relationship you have.
 

redpepper

New member
He told you about her in an email? That kind of sucks. I don't have a problem with it if its an announcement that "we have to talk." If it was an announcement that shuts down communication then that sucks and to me wouldn't be okay.

Sometimes I send an email as a heads up to people when I am feeling overly emotional but want them to know what's going on and that I want to talk about it later. In this day and age email, text, video chat, whatever have taken on a whole new meaning in peoples lives. It really depends on what was implied in what he said.
 

nycindie

New member
I am now in the situation of trying to accept this female into the equation but find i am unable to trust her. The reason being that she had seen Masters profile before that evening on a site we use that stated 'my manly and romantic needs are very well catered for' but had chosen to ignore that and proceeded to tell Him that night she thought He could provide what she was looking for.
Hmm, I don't know if that statement from his profile is very clear. The term "manly and romantic needs" can be interpreted a few ways. Not everyone agrees on what romance is, and I would think that if he even has a profile on a kink site, there may have been confusion over his availability.

I understand that in D/s there are some activities and "play" that people do that are outside of any committed partnerships or love relationships and it is possible that she did not see his statement as meaning she can't be interested or approach him. Nor does her saying that he might be able to give her what she's looking for necessarily mean she wants to be his girlfriend.

Personally, I would try to give her the benefit of the doubt and let him know that his notifying you by email was not right. You need to feel respected. Isn't he your Dom to take care of you and guide you? Hopefully, you can step out of your roles to speak to each other as equals when there has been a problem that doesn't quite fit into the wording of your contract. That is what I understand is possible in D/s.
 

Johanna39

New member
You make very fair points nycindie, my pain definitely clouded my thinking. All i could see was a predatory woman with no respect for me :(

The notification by email point has been discussed and cleared up now. Master does accept that a different approach could have been taken and has apologised.

CielDuMatin, i was nodding my head when reading your 'done together with the agreement and active willingness of all' bit. This is something i think is so important and should be heeded at all times.

Incidentally, i have spoken of this site to Master and how to find this post so He can read it if He so wishes.

Thank you to all who have commented so far, your replies are very much helping to clarify my thinking and making me look at things from different angles.

To those who have read but not commented....i really would value your thoughts too x
 

CielDuMatin

New member
OK, here's a suggestion, and I don't know enough about the whole d/s thing to really know about this.

Is d/s for you a roleplay thing, or your life? If it's roleplay, then would it be possible to drop those roles when negotiating this relationship change? This puts everyone on a level playing field and allows each person to feel they have a voice. if it's your life, then I think part and parcel of it is going to be your master making whatever decisions he wants and, if you are lucky, you may be asked your opinion, but you don't have any right to complain if your master hasn't made what you regard as the "right" decision.

Sorry - speaking from the position of an outsider, here, so not sure how useful this is.
 

dingedheart

Active member
How long has your master been involved with this?

How many slave/subs has he had?

Why not take your complaint about unanswered questions and trust issues with her to the person who brought her into your life. Perhaps he can put out some directives and consequences which will help give you peace of mind.
 

Johanna39

New member
Again, excellent and valid points being posted....thank you.

@CielDuMatin...D/s is my life now and is for me not roleplay...so yes, i do have to accept what He says though being a very fair Master, He does listen to my opinions as long as they are respectfully made. I am guilty of expressing my views since this has happened in a less than acceptable way and although not offering any excuses, i love Him and know my hurt has overridden everything else and my words have come out not as i wanted them to at times.

@dingedheart...although Master has had other subs, He has never, apart from myself been with any other for more than a year. I have 'voiced' all of my concerns with Him and i know He has done His level best to address them although at times i have not heard what i wanted to. This is such a huge learning curve for both of us. I know He has never set out to hurt me and He is being true to Himself but i can't lie...i need reassurance and totally open and honest communication.

Have to say, i am so glad i stumbled on this site which is giving me great strength right now x
 

CielDuMatin

New member
I am guilty of expressing my views since this has happened in a less than acceptable way and although not offering any excuses, i love Him and know my hurt has overridden everything else and my words have come out not as i wanted them to at times.
...and I think this is typical of the reason why any sort of full-time d/s is not for me. I couldn't fathom being in a relationship where I wasn't welcome to express my opinion at any time and openly, and, would want my partner to feel free to do the same.

I suspected that this would be your answer, by the way.

I just wrote a lot of speculation about the consequences of your situation and how it could affect your and his relationships, but deleted it, realising that I really don't "get" the d/s ways and so am probably way off-base.
 

Johanna39

New member
@CielDuMatin, please do express your thoughts freely. I am here both as a submissive but also as just a female trying to break through a stringent monogomous viewpoint . Any thoughts expressed will be given great thought i assure you.
 

Malbon

New member
The message was sent in order to establish clarity over what had happened and what my feelings were, but I can see that some people might feel it would have been better to talk about it first. I am perhaps guilty of favouring clarity over emotional sensitivity at times, and I recognise that. This is a quote from the message.

"Anyway we will talk about it. There is no great hurry or pressure, but we will need to discuss it openly and share thoughts and responses. You can be sure that I am well aware of the potential negatives as well as the positives of a poly arrangement. It may be best for her to be a friend/rope partner and nothing more, my mind is open. Nothing can be decided and nothing will happen without your full involvement in the discussion, knowledge of and consent to whatever might be proposed."

I did not initiate the friendship with the other party, she approached me. I am not minded to ask permission before speaking to other people, and during the conversation the connection became apparent, so there was an element of fait accompli.I refrained from sharing this immediately, since I wished to establish that it was not simply a "flash in the pan", and did not want to trouble my partner with it if that was the case. This may have been a mistake, and I acknowledge that.

I recognise that I might have handled the situation better, and have apologised for any deficiencies in that regard.

I am very open to listening to constructive suggestions on this, and am certainly aware that there are situations where it is wise to "park" the DS aspects of the relationship while big issues are decided. There is a serious consent issue here which has to be addressed with great care, however it is also true that my primary partner has agreed in writing to the trust and consent framework I authored, partly in an attempt to make my position absolutely clear to her.
 

dingedheart

Active member
Malbon,

I take it you are the master in question?

Do you write a lot of emails and memos professionally?

...perhaps you are guilty of favoring clarity over emotional sensitivity...No question about that ..... this post reads like contract law. ....."the other party"

Why apologize or explain the circumstances of how the "other party" came into the mix when the consent framework clearly covers that.

I can see why you'd want to apologize for the execution of the notification process...but haven't you done that already in private channel and or in person ....and really isn't water under the bridge. Why now why here?

You're open to constructive suggestions from Johanna or the forum. And on what? Whats the problem as you see it ?
 

Johanna39

New member
Lessons learnt

Master issued an instruction to us both in which He stated that their relationship will only be as play partners and friends for now.

I trusted this was how it would be, given that i faced such a huge challenge and complete change of mindset. I both felt and appreciated that i was being given time to try and adjust. I read books, i tussled with my innermost thoughts, i berated myself for not being able to move forward though never ever in any doubt was my love for Him.

Nothing can be decided and nothing will happen without your full involvement in the discussion, knowledge of and consent to whatever might be proposed.

Sadly this wasn't the case.

Nothing more to add.
 

dingedheart

Active member
So problem solved ? Right

Is everyone now happy? What about "the other party" is she happy about this ...and allowed to talk about it?
 

Johanna39

New member
Dingedheart, problem solved in that we are no longer together. I found out he had been dishonest and had met with 'the other' a few times without telling me which broke the instruction. 'The other' thought it was quite ok to break the agreement too despite proclaiming to me that she would abide by it to the letter.

Nice honest people with no shame.

I have no idea if either would like to comment.

Can you tell i'm hurting.

Ps. Great introduction to polyamory for me....not :(
 

dingedheart

Active member
So sorry thing broke bad for you. It never makes sense to me why people in poly relationships sneak around and or cheat....its like double stupid and insulting. Do you think he was trying to blow up the relationship so you'd break up with him?
 

Johanna39

New member
You may have a point there Dingedheart....though in my eyes that would make him neither manly nor Masterly/Dominant.

I can't change what has happened but i can learn from the experience and that is what i will do when i can get past all the hurt eating away inside me.
 
Top