NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

Lemondrop

New member
Sooooo...I don't know exactly what NRE means, but I get the idea it's the giddy stupid feeling that makes you act like an idiot at the beginning of a relationship? Husband #2 and I are apparently suffering the effects. He's done a couple of dumb things that hurt his wife, and has informed me that he can't come near me until he figures out how to behave appropriately. Which of course I understand, but is hard for me and makes me sad. I'm pretty clueless about how to handle this. Does anyone have any advice for dispelling new relationship stupidity? Is there any chance that we can get it out of our systems, or do we have to suck it up and avoid each other? Please please don't tell me that we have to suck it up.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I know this may not be what you want to hear but his concern for his wife is inspiring. NRE, or New Relationship Energy, is kind of like the Never land of relationships..everything is new and exciting; there is a child like oblivious joy that fills the experience. Most new Lovers experience this and it is wonderful accept for the idea of it ending.

You should be happy that he loves his wife in a way that gives him the strength to pull back from something as powerful as NRE. He is probably taking care of her needs to make sure they are both healthy. That ability is a possible testimony that he will be a caring lover to you as well as your relationship grows.

Be patient...consider the health of everyone.
There's my two cents :)
Good night
 

Lemondrop

New member
I really want him to take care of his wife, I love her too and I don't want anyone to be unhappy. I was just hoping that there was a way for us to stop being so caught up, that someone would have some experience that would help us.

He's felt the need to withdraw affection from me, and I'm having a hard time with it. Now this research into NRE is telling me that it could be months before we get over it! This is scary enough for me. Why does anyone purposely seek this out?
 

River

Active member
I've only experienced NRE once while already involved in a committed, long term relationship with another--another with whom there wasn't any NRE going on.

I kept talking with my long-time lover, Kevin, about "R" during this time. And I wanted to, and did, spend a lot of time with "R", and Kevin just stayed solid, was apparently unperturbed (though I do wonder what he might have said if he were more like me in our communication styles: I'm a blabber mouth, I talk about EVERYTHING ... well, when and where it is welcomed. Kevin's the quiet one).

I found it a little tricky this first time out ... first poly experience ... to maintain balance of affection while stirred up by NRE, but I do NOT think the NRE is something bad, terrible, wrong, or something we ought to try to represss, supress, fight, struggle against. Rather, you have to take time to be thoughtful and reflective while the NRE is stirred up, both of you. And take time, each day, to look into how you feel toward the one who isn't stirring your NRE pot at the moment. Feel that love. Know it. Hold it close. And then, having done that once, twice, three times a day, let yourself enjoy the NRE. It's great! What a drug! MMmmmm!

[The relationship with "R" was a crash landing with lots of smoke, fire, and brimstone. --but I still love him, always will. We're just neither lovers nor friends now. But these things *can* work; I am sure of it.]
 
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Funk2Lopez

New member
I am currently in a FMF triad. I love my husband and our girlfriend. It was really rough on me the first time we all met. The NRE was much more there for her with him than me. It wasn't our first poly experience but it was the first with goals for a long term relationship in mind.

I was the one feeling ignored and unwanted. I felt that they wanted to be together and I was just there. I no longer feel that way. I know I love them as much as they love me and each other. It was just that the NRE was of a more passionate nature with them and a slower, more caution process for her with me. I am a very passionate person and to have that not reciprocated right away was very difficult for me.

We have and do talk constantly about our relationship and how to make it better and how to meet each others needs. We have been searching for Poly groups in our area that meet on a night all of us can go to. It's been hard finding one. We are still looking. I'm glad to have this forum to be part of. It's been great being able to read what others have shared. I do prefer face to face talking where you can see the body language to help tell more about what a person is really trying to say versus just reading it and trying to decipher if something is wrong or if they are just venting a little steam.
 

AutumnalTone

New member
HAve somebody standing by at all times ready to turn a water hose on you.

Works for dogs in heat, too.

;-D
 

Lemondrop

New member
HAve somebody standing by at all times ready to turn a water hose on you.

Works for dogs in heat, too.

;-D

LMAO Okay, I don't really like that one.

It's a relief to hear that you can enjoy NRE and still maintain existing relationships. I don't want to lose the NRE experience. As always, everyone in my quad is talking, talking, talking. I think we're getting through it. We're all agreed that we're in this for the long term, so we're being cautious. I'm getting through it okay, I think. I'm trying to be careful to give lots of attention to everyone involved!
 

redpepper

New member
I try and keep it as simple as I can at all times. When I am with my boyfriend or any other lover I have i am completely in the moment with them and there is nothing else (except my cell phone which may ring to tell me to get home to my son in an emergency). I am completely immersed in them in our moment and can switch it on and off depending on who I am with. Sometimes there is a transition time between people and I allow it to work it's way through and so do they. I expect the same thing of my husband also, although so far he hasn't had enough experience to master it yet. Anyway, it seems to work, but is not easy. Shutting off emotions and being rational within such strong feelings is not easy, but very important. It takes practice and it's okay to fly by the seat of your pants a bit and screw up.... we are after all human in all this.

I really liked the dog hose spraying joke!!!!! HAHAHAHa! it definitely feels like that at some points!!
 

redpepper

New member
New Relationship Energy NRE and how it forms our relationships

Our 'v' goes to a monthly meeting of poly people in our area and has met 15-30 wonderful diverse poly people. We talk about different topics in a larger group and then break up into groups to talk more personally about that topic or other issues to do with poly. This month we talked about New Relationship Energy (NRE).

I was not all that interested at first as I thought it was just about that glow one gets at the beginning of a new love relationship, but I was wrong, it is so much more.

One can have NRE over a new job, a new place to live, a new pair of shoes.... just about anything that makes one have that gleeful feeling inside of something new and delightful... even in discovering poly fits for you or in having compersion for your partners NRE.

We talked about different stories people had of their NRE and listened to a pod cast of a woman telling her story of NRE. She had left her home, job, family and friends to be with a man across the country that she had met on line and only met once. He turned out to have a severe drinking and gambling problem and control issues... he wouldn't let her leave the house he was so jealous of her talking to anyone. she also discovered that this late 30's man had just come out of a relationship with a 14 year old!!! talk about missing the red flags on that one! was this a bad case of NRE that got her into that mess?

So I thought I would start a thread on this topic as I think a lot of the people who come on here will find it helpful in figuring out their own relationships. It seems NRE is a strong force in forming where we go for the long haul in our relationships feeling comfy and secure and normalized eventually.

Any thoughts of stories to share?
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
Well.

I've never had a problem with being in love with more than one pair of shoes. Most of my shoes are Birkenstock, but there are a few other brands. I need more than one pair of shoes to satisfy different needs that I have. I got great deals online for most of them, but some I paid full price for because I needed that style and just couldn't find it at a discount.

None of my shoes have ever been jealous when a new addition is made to our shoe-family, although I have discovered certain redundancies after the fact and re-directed some pairs to other folks either through my circle of friends or via eBay.

My relationship(s) with my shoes are very distinctly individual, and of course my love for one pair in no way diminishes the total amount of love I have to offer to as many shoes as will accept it.

That's about all I have to say about that for now. Thank you RP for bringing up this topic in its own thread!
 

Quath

New member
I never thought of NRE for something other than a relationship, but looking back, I can see that I have gotten that way over a few things from a new job to a new video game. I guess I mostly relate it to relationships. I guess because it develops more slowly as you learn more and more about the person.

The big trick there seems to be to learn to shut up about the other person before you drive everyone else mad.

I also heard that podcast story of NRE where the woman left her job to be with such a loser. The big advise was not to change jobs, move make any major life changes until NRE wears off. I heard it on Polyamory Weekly. Is that where you heard it also?
 

foxflame88

New member
I too never linked NRE to anything but relationships... but certainly see the endless posibilities.
 

redpepper

New member
I also heard that podcast story of NRE where the woman left her job to be with such a loser. The big advise was not to change jobs, move make any major life changes until NRE wears off. I heard it on Polyamory Weekly. Is that where you heard it also?

yes I believe it was!
there is also the idea that long distant relationship NRE lasts longer.... anyone with that experience?
 

bowtie

New member
there is also the idea that long distant relationship NRE lasts longer.... anyone with that experience?

I can certainly attest to this personally. I don't really have a good gauge on how long it is supposed to last, but I would have thought it would be over with by now. However, she doesn't seem to have experienced the same extended NRE period that I have, so I guess it really varies from person to person.
 

Mark1npt

New member
Redpepper, there's always a certain burst of euphoria with anything new that occurs in our lives. A new car, new job, or, when I was younger, the smell of a new baseball glove.......ahhhhhh, didn't get any better than that.....and took a whole year to fade into that smelly, sweaty old leather smell! I guess we could term those events or smells as just "new energy" events as opposed to "NRE" where of course the emphasis is on the "R" for relationship.

My wife is a little put off by what she perceives to be this "new love". I don't think she's done enough reading to know about NRE, although I've touched on it. Isn't it normal (I hate to use that word) for anyone to be enamored with something new in our society? Don't we really want to hop in our new blue car because it's so different than our old red one? Shouldn't one of our friends tell us when that new blue car is dangerous or a lemon? Just thinking.....
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Don't we really want to hop in our new blue car because it's so different than our old red one? .....

:eek:Careful Mark... if your wife equates your old red car to her anatomy and your new blue one to someone else's, you are going to be in a world of poly hurt LOL!!
 

Mark1npt

New member
Too late Mono, already opened up that can of worms.....:eek:....but in all reality, all of our bodies are different, just like all our personalities and life experiences are different. Certainly, the sexual side of things will be different as a result, too. I don't want to equate it as better, it's just different. And the emotional connection with my other love is different than with my wife, not better, just different. Just like a red car and a blue car are different.
 

redpepper

New member
ahhh, my first car... I loved that thing. *sigh* I love the car I have now, as it is more reliable and fuel efficient and not about to fall apart if I drive over 80kms/hr (what ever that is for all you Americans!)... but I still have a soft spot for that old car.

yes I see the point.

I find it interesting about myself that I am not a "new things" hog. I don't go and buy expensive stuff to get that new feeling and think carefully and shop around if I do need something. I have never gone out and bought anything frivolous and out of want rather than need. Well, except that video camera years ago. I bought it with my student loan money. Still, it was a need to take a record of my 20's and I have all those videos that remind me of that time... I guess that is not frivolous...

anyway, that was a good analogy as it makes me realize something about myself and my relationships... I look for quality and am disappointed sometimes when it isn't there... I assume others do too and get frustrated when they just settle for cheapness in their relationships... as far as I'm concern we should all be going for gold when it comes to what we need in life.... hopefully the NRE will last and sustain for a long time that way.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I assume others do too and get frustrated when they just settle for cheapness in their relationships.

We both need to accept that not everyone looks for what we do or emphasise the same aspects of relationships. Nice post Gorgeous..you continue to be my teacher as well as my boundless Love:D
 
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