BathedInSalt
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I have a boyfriend now!
One Mistake at a Time
- Thread starter BathedInSalt
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BathedInSalt
New member
One of the best things Dean has done for me is giving me the space to have the kind of relationships with others that I want to. That means not having to define relationships, or fit them into boxes.
It's great for me because I have relationships that don't fit/won't fit into those boxes and he doesn't get upset because I have too many people in box A and he doesn't have to keep up with how my relationships change as they tend to be quite fluid with people I care for.
I have SoulSister, our relationship is undefinable.
I have BlueEyes who I can for deeply, but presents as a platonic friend who I kiss sometimes.
I have several friendships like this, fluid.
Poly makes them even more so. Right now it does anyways. As I'm "dating".
I could see me settling into a Poly-fi situation, although I wonder more and more if I'm heading towards an Open Relationship model. I dunno. I do know I love a lot. I care deeply and once you're in my heart it's difficult to get outta there.
It's great for me because I have relationships that don't fit/won't fit into those boxes and he doesn't get upset because I have too many people in box A and he doesn't have to keep up with how my relationships change as they tend to be quite fluid with people I care for.
I have SoulSister, our relationship is undefinable.
I have BlueEyes who I can for deeply, but presents as a platonic friend who I kiss sometimes.
I have several friendships like this, fluid.
Poly makes them even more so. Right now it does anyways. As I'm "dating".
I could see me settling into a Poly-fi situation, although I wonder more and more if I'm heading towards an Open Relationship model. I dunno. I do know I love a lot. I care deeply and once you're in my heart it's difficult to get outta there.
BathedInSalt
New member
Things are always changing for me.
I gave myself a chance to recover from BlueEyes, we're at the point now where we can hang and even kiss goodbye and it doesn't have any negative affects for either of us. His perspective has changed regarding expectations of others. It's working. Dean worries every time I go to hang out with BE, but it's not as bad as it was. As a matter of fact Dean texted me while I was out hanging wth BE that he realized he wasn't being compassionate toward BE before I left the house. I'll say that Dean's intentions were to protect me from getting hurt, but what came out was a lot of negativity about BE. I've made a lot of mistakes managing this relationship, BE is the man who prompted me to stop and reflect after all. He's the first pancake. I like what's happening wit BE and I now and the challenges it is bringing up in my relationship with Dean. I like those challenges because we are both learning and evolving.
Speaking of evolving, Dean said something amazing yesterday. He had come home for lunch and before he left he expressed giddiness about me having a boyfriend. He used the word "neat". When he gets it he really gets it. He also said that he always thought I was a fully realized person, but he didn't know how much more realizing I had left to do and now that he does he doesn't know if it will stop. I told him I didn't either but it's exciting to be constantly personally evolving. It feels right, I feel alive to be growing and changing.
Dean has come out of every trial with this glowing image of me and tells me how he feels. He has his uncomfortable feelings, deals with them and comes back to me different. So far different in positive ways, he's growing too. We're growing together.
I feel the need to explain what happened with MyDate. I don't exactly know for sure and have no intention to find out. Maybe not the best path to choose, but it could be! I had been on several dates with MyDate. We fooled around at the beach one night. The next time I saw him was at his house. I met his wife, we ate dinner together and chatted for a few hours. She was lovely. After dinner she went to bed in one room and MyDate escorted me to another room. I was surprised. Thought we'd go hang on the couch or something. I wanted to talk, he wanted to fuck. There were too many unknowns for me, but I had sex with him anyways. It was disappointing and weird. I don't think he understood the weight of the act on me, it was my first since Dean. I was uncertain, insecure.
I don't blame MyDate, probably should hold him accountable for something. I dunno.
I learned real quick what I need before going there with a partner. While I don't believe there's some magic connection that sex makes between two people I do know what it does to me personally. I still revere it as sacred in my way. Maybe I'll go into it later, but I don't trend to bing intimate with people I don't care for on a deeper level wether that's friendship or romantic or fun.
After that night I never heard from MyDate again. Now so many things could have happened. The following weekend was MyDate and his wife's anniversary so I expected to be out of touch with them. I could've been vetoed? I could've been used? I could've been involving myself in a more casual sex kind of situation?
I don't know what happened.
Another thing that the whole ordeal solidified in me was that I do, and have always had an insecurity at how good in bed I am. It's ridiculous.
As in maybe he never texted me because sex was that bad. I actually have this thought. Not long before I tell it to fuck off, but still.
I haven't felt hurt over the situation, maybe because I haven't let myself? Maybe because it's not worth the time and energy?
Sleeping with MyDate did something for Dean and I. We got to that place, went through the experience of me having sex with another man. It didn't magically change things between Dean and I, it didn't ruin our relationship or anything dramatic. Me having sex with another man didn't change a damn thing around here. It was good for Dean to see that, for me to experience that. In the past, in a monogamous relationship this behavior would result in major life upheaval, guilt, shame, broken hearts, changes in living situation, big drama. Dean said he doesn't see me any differently, I don't see him any differently. I had no doubts that this would be the case, but we had to go through that first time.
I didn't come home and announce to Dean that I had slept with MyDate. We had already had those conversations, the trust was laid out for me to make my own decisions in relationships. I warned him that I will make mistakes and he has to let me make them as much as he wants to shepherd me way from them. "Don't touch the boat, Nemo!" So, many weeks later Dean asked about MyDate, if I'd heard from him. He said "at least you didn't sleep with him". I told him then that I did. He felt blindsided, but admitted that there may not have been a better way to tell him or have it come up. It was a hard pill to swallow at first, but he worked through it and came out the other side alright. It sucks to see him dealing with discomfort, but I know it's not my job to "fix him". I haven't even had the desire to fix him and I take that as a positive, a huge one. I'm maturing!
I gave myself a chance to recover from BlueEyes, we're at the point now where we can hang and even kiss goodbye and it doesn't have any negative affects for either of us. His perspective has changed regarding expectations of others. It's working. Dean worries every time I go to hang out with BE, but it's not as bad as it was. As a matter of fact Dean texted me while I was out hanging wth BE that he realized he wasn't being compassionate toward BE before I left the house. I'll say that Dean's intentions were to protect me from getting hurt, but what came out was a lot of negativity about BE. I've made a lot of mistakes managing this relationship, BE is the man who prompted me to stop and reflect after all. He's the first pancake. I like what's happening wit BE and I now and the challenges it is bringing up in my relationship with Dean. I like those challenges because we are both learning and evolving.
Speaking of evolving, Dean said something amazing yesterday. He had come home for lunch and before he left he expressed giddiness about me having a boyfriend. He used the word "neat". When he gets it he really gets it. He also said that he always thought I was a fully realized person, but he didn't know how much more realizing I had left to do and now that he does he doesn't know if it will stop. I told him I didn't either but it's exciting to be constantly personally evolving. It feels right, I feel alive to be growing and changing.
Dean has come out of every trial with this glowing image of me and tells me how he feels. He has his uncomfortable feelings, deals with them and comes back to me different. So far different in positive ways, he's growing too. We're growing together.
I feel the need to explain what happened with MyDate. I don't exactly know for sure and have no intention to find out. Maybe not the best path to choose, but it could be! I had been on several dates with MyDate. We fooled around at the beach one night. The next time I saw him was at his house. I met his wife, we ate dinner together and chatted for a few hours. She was lovely. After dinner she went to bed in one room and MyDate escorted me to another room. I was surprised. Thought we'd go hang on the couch or something. I wanted to talk, he wanted to fuck. There were too many unknowns for me, but I had sex with him anyways. It was disappointing and weird. I don't think he understood the weight of the act on me, it was my first since Dean. I was uncertain, insecure.
I don't blame MyDate, probably should hold him accountable for something. I dunno.
I learned real quick what I need before going there with a partner. While I don't believe there's some magic connection that sex makes between two people I do know what it does to me personally. I still revere it as sacred in my way. Maybe I'll go into it later, but I don't trend to bing intimate with people I don't care for on a deeper level wether that's friendship or romantic or fun.
After that night I never heard from MyDate again. Now so many things could have happened. The following weekend was MyDate and his wife's anniversary so I expected to be out of touch with them. I could've been vetoed? I could've been used? I could've been involving myself in a more casual sex kind of situation?
I don't know what happened.
Another thing that the whole ordeal solidified in me was that I do, and have always had an insecurity at how good in bed I am. It's ridiculous.
As in maybe he never texted me because sex was that bad. I actually have this thought. Not long before I tell it to fuck off, but still.
I haven't felt hurt over the situation, maybe because I haven't let myself? Maybe because it's not worth the time and energy?
Sleeping with MyDate did something for Dean and I. We got to that place, went through the experience of me having sex with another man. It didn't magically change things between Dean and I, it didn't ruin our relationship or anything dramatic. Me having sex with another man didn't change a damn thing around here. It was good for Dean to see that, for me to experience that. In the past, in a monogamous relationship this behavior would result in major life upheaval, guilt, shame, broken hearts, changes in living situation, big drama. Dean said he doesn't see me any differently, I don't see him any differently. I had no doubts that this would be the case, but we had to go through that first time.
I didn't come home and announce to Dean that I had slept with MyDate. We had already had those conversations, the trust was laid out for me to make my own decisions in relationships. I warned him that I will make mistakes and he has to let me make them as much as he wants to shepherd me way from them. "Don't touch the boat, Nemo!" So, many weeks later Dean asked about MyDate, if I'd heard from him. He said "at least you didn't sleep with him". I told him then that I did. He felt blindsided, but admitted that there may not have been a better way to tell him or have it come up. It was a hard pill to swallow at first, but he worked through it and came out the other side alright. It sucks to see him dealing with discomfort, but I know it's not my job to "fix him". I haven't even had the desire to fix him and I take that as a positive, a huge one. I'm maturing!
Why don't you message or call MyDate and see why he fucked you once and dropped out? I'd be curious. I mean, I have had that happen to me, and I've also done it to a few guys who were unsatisfying in bed (too selfish, too submissive, boring, etc.).
I just wonder what happened! After the nice dinner with the "lovely" wife and all. Maybe she was faking it and vetoed?
I just wonder what happened! After the nice dinner with the "lovely" wife and all. Maybe she was faking it and vetoed?
BathedInSalt
New member
For some reason I haven't felt the need to do it. I'm curious for sure, but not sure any answer will be satisfactory. I did reach out one night after a bottle of wine during a hurricane, but got a "yeah we can talk when things normalize" but unless I push it I don't think that will happen.
I'm not interested in a relationship with this person. Maybe that's why I'm just letting it be?
BathedInSalt
New member
After I told Canada about Sir he pulled back. After a few days he started communicating as normal, but just now actually Canada pulled back again.
Even though we hadn't even met in person there was a connection and severing it twice now hurts.
To make it worse Canada was trying to say "you have a lot on your plate so I'm gonna pull back" totally not taking responsibility for his own feelings.
So, this is all going in the right direction I'm sure. It just pangs.
In other news Sir and I are doing well. I had my first sleepover. Dean did alright. I hesitate to tell his side of the story in case he ever decides he wants to tell it.
There are pangs for me, worries that I'm not gonna get this pivot role down pat. It's hard to make the right decisions or to even pinpoint them in the first place.
There's so much to learn. So many people to consider.
Even though we hadn't even met in person there was a connection and severing it twice now hurts.
To make it worse Canada was trying to say "you have a lot on your plate so I'm gonna pull back" totally not taking responsibility for his own feelings.
So, this is all going in the right direction I'm sure. It just pangs.
In other news Sir and I are doing well. I had my first sleepover. Dean did alright. I hesitate to tell his side of the story in case he ever decides he wants to tell it.
There are pangs for me, worries that I'm not gonna get this pivot role down pat. It's hard to make the right decisions or to even pinpoint them in the first place.
There's so much to learn. So many people to consider.
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BathedInSalt
New member
It's been quite the ride this last cool weeks and I'm discovering all these not so great things about myself that need a good bit of tweaking.
Mostly insecurity and lack of patience.
The insecurity is a big surprise, but it's causing me to think and connect dots. I may post about it in the general discussion to get some input.
In a new relationship there are shallow roots, in the past I pour hormone therapy allover those roots to get them to grow. I spend as much time with my partner as possible. In that scenario I get all the physical reassurance I need to not feel insecure. I trust that they like me because they are choosing to gift me with their time.
In my poly situation we can't do that. I see Sir once every 7-10 days when I want to see Him every 2-3 days. I'm missing out on a lot of signals that previously made me feel secure.
We talked about it a bit last night, He's very open to doing the things I need to make me feel more secure so we'll just keep talking and in the meantime I'll figure out in what other way I can get that from Him.
Sir also has a longtime girlfriend who is also married but has no kids. I'm feeling things that I can't identify about that situation and it's freaking me out. Dean says it's to be expected that I wouldn't be necessarily cool as a cucumber right out the gate. I guess he's right.
My anxiety has been through the roof this week, but that's all my fault. I over did it. didn't sleep enough and drank too much coffee, which for me is any coffee. I need to take better care of myself this week and every week going forward.
Ah the patience thing. My speed tends to be on they fast side. It's very very very hard for me to slow down. The anxiety that starts when I'm waiting for Sir to call looks a lot like impatience. l think if I felt more secure I wouldn't need that immediate text back. I'd think so anyways.
Mostly insecurity and lack of patience.
The insecurity is a big surprise, but it's causing me to think and connect dots. I may post about it in the general discussion to get some input.
In a new relationship there are shallow roots, in the past I pour hormone therapy allover those roots to get them to grow. I spend as much time with my partner as possible. In that scenario I get all the physical reassurance I need to not feel insecure. I trust that they like me because they are choosing to gift me with their time.
In my poly situation we can't do that. I see Sir once every 7-10 days when I want to see Him every 2-3 days. I'm missing out on a lot of signals that previously made me feel secure.
We talked about it a bit last night, He's very open to doing the things I need to make me feel more secure so we'll just keep talking and in the meantime I'll figure out in what other way I can get that from Him.
Sir also has a longtime girlfriend who is also married but has no kids. I'm feeling things that I can't identify about that situation and it's freaking me out. Dean says it's to be expected that I wouldn't be necessarily cool as a cucumber right out the gate. I guess he's right.
My anxiety has been through the roof this week, but that's all my fault. I over did it. didn't sleep enough and drank too much coffee, which for me is any coffee. I need to take better care of myself this week and every week going forward.
Ah the patience thing. My speed tends to be on they fast side. It's very very very hard for me to slow down. The anxiety that starts when I'm waiting for Sir to call looks a lot like impatience. l think if I felt more secure I wouldn't need that immediate text back. I'd think so anyways.
BathedInSalt
New member
Things are happening and the odds for making mistakes have increased significantly.
Dean is dating.
Sir is seriously talking about proposing to His long time girlfriend.
I knew I was going to face more discomfort. I knew I didn't know how I was going to feel about things until after they happened. Now they are happening. Now Im having feeeeeelings. Feelings to feel and dissect.
I have to know how I feel and why so I can communicate my needs to my partners.
Things are changing with Dean. I know they would. Each partner brings change. I can see and feel that happening now.
As for Sir, I am both happy for Him and freaked the fuck out. I can be both. Our relationship is so new, still looking for roots of security. Maybe not the best time to hear about a deepened commitment with His current partner.
I am facing my biggest demon. The beastie known as Not Good Enough. I'm done managing her, trying to make friends, trying to work her into with my life. No, now it's time to vanquish.
I'm gonna be a better person at the end of this. I feel it.
My life is fuller with these relationships. This is good.
Dean is dating.
Sir is seriously talking about proposing to His long time girlfriend.
I knew I was going to face more discomfort. I knew I didn't know how I was going to feel about things until after they happened. Now they are happening. Now Im having feeeeeelings. Feelings to feel and dissect.
I have to know how I feel and why so I can communicate my needs to my partners.
Things are changing with Dean. I know they would. Each partner brings change. I can see and feel that happening now.
As for Sir, I am both happy for Him and freaked the fuck out. I can be both. Our relationship is so new, still looking for roots of security. Maybe not the best time to hear about a deepened commitment with His current partner.
I am facing my biggest demon. The beastie known as Not Good Enough. I'm done managing her, trying to make friends, trying to work her into with my life. No, now it's time to vanquish.
I'm gonna be a better person at the end of this. I feel it.
My life is fuller with these relationships. This is good.
BathedInSalt
New member
I'm struggling and I don't want to be.
BathedInSalt
New member
I had a good week of struggling, which is to be expected sometimes. I was having trouble with Dean dating. We've since been able to talk about things and come up with other ways to handle things. I also got some great advice in a thread here that helped me to put things into perspective. I pinpointed some stuff and now I can deal with that for what it is. I made a plan as well. I even made plans with Dean's date myself in an effort to make friends. We took our kids to the museum together. It was weird, but we talked about it later. Today I even offered to hold Dean's hand while he holds hers while we watched a movie, but plans changed and he's at her house tonight. I'm trying.
Basically, as always I need to be kind and patient with myself. Don't expect to be able to do things easily the first time.
In other news things are going great with Sir. He came over for dinner last night. It was pure heaven for me. He met the whole family, got to see our dynamic, and be annoyed by my dog lol. He spent a good deal of time talking to my eldest about comics. I really liked what was happening. Dean and Sir seem to get on really well too, conversation was easy. There was story telling and laughter. I took pictures. I loved every minute. I got to take care of my people. I love feeding people and Dean and Sir like to eat! It's a win win. I really enjoy taking care.
After dinner we all talked for a bit then I had Sir take me out downtown. He told me He LOVED me. So when we went in to the next bar I told everyone there that I loved Him and He told everyone there that He loved me. It was fun. We aren't "out" per say so it was nice to be loud about it.
One thing that is hard right now is that I have more partners and I'm actually spending more time by myself because everyone has a partner too and there is only so much time in a day. I'm still learning to be ok with this. I don't mind being alone, I need it, I like it, but when I don't want to be alone and I'm alone it doesn't feel good.
I haven't been dating, although I'd like to find a girlfriend. I'm not actively looking so it's not a priority, just a thought in my mind.
Sir talks about finding a nesting partner. I know He still looks for dates although He's not dating. I'll need to clear that up actually now that I think of it. It's going on the list.
It's not easy at this budding stage if romance to hear about Him wanting a primary, even though I really do want Him to have that experience. I do want Him to eat dinner with someone He loves every night. I'm not in a place where I can offer that. In my day dream life I can, He'd just move in here
Don't worry I'm not suggesting it at this point. All this to say that I'm having feelings when I think about Him building a home with someone else. It'll pass, it'll fade. We have sorta talked about it. He asked me what I was gonna do when He gets another girlfriend and I told Him I'd deal with it and I will. I note the uncomfortable feelings, find why I'm having them and then move on. So, this is noted now.
OK a little more gushing, Sir helped my eldest with her math homework and I really loved the scene.
Dean is telling me right now how much fun he had at dinner and how happy he is for me and how it makes sense that Sir and I have expressed love for one another. He told me I was radiating rays of light during our dinner night. He sees me happy.
Life can be a dream. I'm just gonna focus on the positive stuff tonight while I feel a bit emotional and am alone tonight.
It's all working out. It's all good things.
Basically, as always I need to be kind and patient with myself. Don't expect to be able to do things easily the first time.
In other news things are going great with Sir. He came over for dinner last night. It was pure heaven for me. He met the whole family, got to see our dynamic, and be annoyed by my dog lol. He spent a good deal of time talking to my eldest about comics. I really liked what was happening. Dean and Sir seem to get on really well too, conversation was easy. There was story telling and laughter. I took pictures. I loved every minute. I got to take care of my people. I love feeding people and Dean and Sir like to eat! It's a win win. I really enjoy taking care.
After dinner we all talked for a bit then I had Sir take me out downtown. He told me He LOVED me. So when we went in to the next bar I told everyone there that I loved Him and He told everyone there that He loved me. It was fun. We aren't "out" per say so it was nice to be loud about it.
One thing that is hard right now is that I have more partners and I'm actually spending more time by myself because everyone has a partner too and there is only so much time in a day. I'm still learning to be ok with this. I don't mind being alone, I need it, I like it, but when I don't want to be alone and I'm alone it doesn't feel good.
I haven't been dating, although I'd like to find a girlfriend. I'm not actively looking so it's not a priority, just a thought in my mind.
Sir talks about finding a nesting partner. I know He still looks for dates although He's not dating. I'll need to clear that up actually now that I think of it. It's going on the list.
It's not easy at this budding stage if romance to hear about Him wanting a primary, even though I really do want Him to have that experience. I do want Him to eat dinner with someone He loves every night. I'm not in a place where I can offer that. In my day dream life I can, He'd just move in here
Don't worry I'm not suggesting it at this point. All this to say that I'm having feelings when I think about Him building a home with someone else. It'll pass, it'll fade. We have sorta talked about it. He asked me what I was gonna do when He gets another girlfriend and I told Him I'd deal with it and I will. I note the uncomfortable feelings, find why I'm having them and then move on. So, this is noted now. OK a little more gushing, Sir helped my eldest with her math homework and I really loved the scene.
Dean is telling me right now how much fun he had at dinner and how happy he is for me and how it makes sense that Sir and I have expressed love for one another. He told me I was radiating rays of light during our dinner night. He sees me happy.
Life can be a dream. I'm just gonna focus on the positive stuff tonight while I feel a bit emotional and am alone tonight.
It's all working out. It's all good things.
BathedInSalt
New member
Self-reliance. Gratitude. Joy.
I've been spending more time alone, or as the only adult around the house. I'm getting used to it a little. It's hardest at night, but I'm still finding things to do with myself. Things I like to do anyways. Read, write, draw, organize my bedroom, complete tasks for my family. I try not to anxiously clean the house, but that happens sometimes too. I try instead to do things that feed my soul. Yesterday I even went for a run. I'm trying to find things to do alone that make me a better person. So far it's working. It keeps my mind from drifting to places I don't want it to go.
When I took my run yesterday I was able to take stock in all the good things that are happening in my life. I live in a perfectly lovely neighborhood, I don't want for any needs, my kids are beautiful, happy, thriving and healthy, Dean continues to be an amazing partner, he's made a good choice in his new partner too, I may have lucked out with this particular metamour, I am loved, so loved and I feel it, I carry it with me. Sir is a good match for me, our dynamic is showing itself and I'm very happy with the direction things are going, He makes me a better person. I read somewhere that partners should add to your life, not just yours, but in a broader sense to extend to the people around you and I really feel like they are.
I still find myself navigating some of the other rocky aspects of transitioning. Even though I'm living poly now, I mean I'm in it, I still feel like I'm transitioning, adjusting from mono to poly. I am able to just sit and enjoy the joy though more every day. I still struggle with jealousy, loneliness, possessiveness (of my partners and my kids), I am becoming more aware of what I was getting out of monogamy and how couples privilege affect my relationships, I'm still figuring out hierarchy and see what I want vs what really works for us all, I'm learning to be more patient, mindful, self-reliant, self-confident, basically all the things I've always tried to grow in myself. Poly has definitely been shining lights on my weak spots and I feel better off for it. What a grand adventure.
I have had happy heart exploding moments.
All this to say, I'm happy in my heart, at the base of it and you all deserve to have that joy shared with you.
I've been spending more time alone, or as the only adult around the house. I'm getting used to it a little. It's hardest at night, but I'm still finding things to do with myself. Things I like to do anyways. Read, write, draw, organize my bedroom, complete tasks for my family. I try not to anxiously clean the house, but that happens sometimes too. I try instead to do things that feed my soul. Yesterday I even went for a run. I'm trying to find things to do alone that make me a better person. So far it's working. It keeps my mind from drifting to places I don't want it to go.
When I took my run yesterday I was able to take stock in all the good things that are happening in my life. I live in a perfectly lovely neighborhood, I don't want for any needs, my kids are beautiful, happy, thriving and healthy, Dean continues to be an amazing partner, he's made a good choice in his new partner too, I may have lucked out with this particular metamour, I am loved, so loved and I feel it, I carry it with me. Sir is a good match for me, our dynamic is showing itself and I'm very happy with the direction things are going, He makes me a better person. I read somewhere that partners should add to your life, not just yours, but in a broader sense to extend to the people around you and I really feel like they are.
I still find myself navigating some of the other rocky aspects of transitioning. Even though I'm living poly now, I mean I'm in it, I still feel like I'm transitioning, adjusting from mono to poly. I am able to just sit and enjoy the joy though more every day. I still struggle with jealousy, loneliness, possessiveness (of my partners and my kids), I am becoming more aware of what I was getting out of monogamy and how couples privilege affect my relationships, I'm still figuring out hierarchy and see what I want vs what really works for us all, I'm learning to be more patient, mindful, self-reliant, self-confident, basically all the things I've always tried to grow in myself. Poly has definitely been shining lights on my weak spots and I feel better off for it. What a grand adventure.
I have had happy heart exploding moments.
All this to say, I'm happy in my heart, at the base of it and you all deserve to have that joy shared with you.
BathedInSalt
New member
Dean and Mary:
Dean dated Mary for a bout 3 weeks, during that time they did sleep together once. Their relationship ended and it was based on actions from all three of us. Her idea of poly was more toward the relationship anarchy model and while both Dean and I understand it, I think I even subscribe to it in theory, it wasn't working with where Dean is in his poly, where are family is, where I am. Dean felt smothered and stressed out about constantly navigating two partners emotions. He wasn't letting us deal with our own emotions, he was removing our autonomy from situations. Having two relationships was exhausting him. Especially since Mary wanted so much time and attention.
Now here's my part. I was having a very very very hard time with their relationship and in unexpected ways. I had a freak out and made a plan to get to know Mary, we took our kids to the museum together and the whole time I felt nauseated. Even she pointed out that I looked uncomfortable when we were texting the next evening. I was very honest about how I was feeling. I actual liked her, she was very nice and respectful. At the time I just chalked up my feeling to being new at this. I do want to give Dean the same space he gives me.
After that I set up an evening where she came over and we were going to hang out, play a game or something. I had had a very bad day pain wise and was so close to cancelling, but rallied towards the end of the day. Then she got here and I basically hid the whole time, made the kid's lunches, laid down with my youngest to help her get to sleep. I was soooooooooo uncomfortable being around them together. I was so angry with myself because I don't want to be uncomfortable. On top of feeling awful I was beating myself up. I did hang put with them for a little while at the beginning and a little while at the end, but it was physical torture.
Now I'm left picking apart my feelings, but I'm doing it in from of Dean. I don't have a choice, we live together, I don't have my own space. If I'm not feeling well, if I'm upset, it's pretty obvious.
I had a sobbing conversation with Dean, mentioned that maybe we'd split up. I should've been more careful with those words, because Dean definitely took them to heart and into consideration when thinking of continuing things with Mary.
I got to a better place after all that, I really picked apart my feelings, made put charts, talked to my therapist. Right when I was going to give things another go Dean made the decision to end it with Mary. He continued to break up with her for the following 3 weeks. That's his story, but man was it hard to watch.
Currently they are friends, they eventually took a break from constant communication and Dean seemed to be less stress out.
He did ask me if it would be weird if she joined him and my kids to a Christmas event Saturday. My ultimate answer was that it was weird and here's why: it's an important holiday event to me and I've missed it the last two years bc I'm working to pay our bills. One issue I had with her is that she wanted instant access to my kids. I don't really know her, this is not ok with me. I suggested that Dean and her hang out sometime without the kids.
I clearly still experienced pangs from the idea that she's still around, but that's my thing to deal with. I did a lot of soul searching and found that I probably just don't like her that much. That I also see similarities between us, a lot of them, but I see the qualities in myself that I don't care for in her. I'm paranoid about being needy and she embraces her neediness, says "she loves like a child". It sure did seem insecure and immature to me. I'm being judgy. I shouldn't.
Anyways, that's where we are with Mary.
Dean dated Mary for a bout 3 weeks, during that time they did sleep together once. Their relationship ended and it was based on actions from all three of us. Her idea of poly was more toward the relationship anarchy model and while both Dean and I understand it, I think I even subscribe to it in theory, it wasn't working with where Dean is in his poly, where are family is, where I am. Dean felt smothered and stressed out about constantly navigating two partners emotions. He wasn't letting us deal with our own emotions, he was removing our autonomy from situations. Having two relationships was exhausting him. Especially since Mary wanted so much time and attention.
Now here's my part. I was having a very very very hard time with their relationship and in unexpected ways. I had a freak out and made a plan to get to know Mary, we took our kids to the museum together and the whole time I felt nauseated. Even she pointed out that I looked uncomfortable when we were texting the next evening. I was very honest about how I was feeling. I actual liked her, she was very nice and respectful. At the time I just chalked up my feeling to being new at this. I do want to give Dean the same space he gives me.
After that I set up an evening where she came over and we were going to hang out, play a game or something. I had had a very bad day pain wise and was so close to cancelling, but rallied towards the end of the day. Then she got here and I basically hid the whole time, made the kid's lunches, laid down with my youngest to help her get to sleep. I was soooooooooo uncomfortable being around them together. I was so angry with myself because I don't want to be uncomfortable. On top of feeling awful I was beating myself up. I did hang put with them for a little while at the beginning and a little while at the end, but it was physical torture.
Now I'm left picking apart my feelings, but I'm doing it in from of Dean. I don't have a choice, we live together, I don't have my own space. If I'm not feeling well, if I'm upset, it's pretty obvious.
I had a sobbing conversation with Dean, mentioned that maybe we'd split up. I should've been more careful with those words, because Dean definitely took them to heart and into consideration when thinking of continuing things with Mary.
I got to a better place after all that, I really picked apart my feelings, made put charts, talked to my therapist. Right when I was going to give things another go Dean made the decision to end it with Mary. He continued to break up with her for the following 3 weeks. That's his story, but man was it hard to watch.
Currently they are friends, they eventually took a break from constant communication and Dean seemed to be less stress out.
He did ask me if it would be weird if she joined him and my kids to a Christmas event Saturday. My ultimate answer was that it was weird and here's why: it's an important holiday event to me and I've missed it the last two years bc I'm working to pay our bills. One issue I had with her is that she wanted instant access to my kids. I don't really know her, this is not ok with me. I suggested that Dean and her hang out sometime without the kids.
I clearly still experienced pangs from the idea that she's still around, but that's my thing to deal with. I did a lot of soul searching and found that I probably just don't like her that much. That I also see similarities between us, a lot of them, but I see the qualities in myself that I don't care for in her. I'm paranoid about being needy and she embraces her neediness, says "she loves like a child". It sure did seem insecure and immature to me. I'm being judgy. I shouldn't.
Anyways, that's where we are with Mary.
BathedInSalt
New member
One last tidbit about Mary and then that's over: The same day I wrote my last post, or maybe the next day Dean let me know he was going to Snowfest and Mary was going too. I lost it. I felt like, why ask me how I feel about something if it's going to be completely discarded. I didn't handle myself well. I flew off the handle immediately. Dean and I talked then and then again later. I apologized for my immediate reaction, but stood firm by my feelings. He ended up not going with her, the kids didn't even make it either. For the next few weeks I don't think Dean and Mary even talked. Sometime in there I was encouraging Dean to see Mary without the kids around, he said he'd go watch her band. He was going to head out to see her play about 45 minutes away. I had to say something because he was about to use our last 3$ for gas when we had a whole week before payday and kids to get to school. I was so upset that he was going to put being a man of his word to her above what his family needed. I couldn't believe it really. I was like "go, but how are we going to get the kids to school next week? what's your plan?" He didn't have a plan.
I did not want to be the voice of reason there, at all. I think I was mad about that too. I just told Dean to blame it all on me. That's what it was going to look like anyways. Me always spoiling his time with her. It was never a good situation and I think all three of us contributed.
They don't speak now. After the New Year, Dean realized she had blocked him from social media.
Dean hasn't dated since, hasn't shown interest, says he doesn't have time, that he'd rather play tennis. I honestly can't tell if he's poly or mono by the way he talks about it all.
He does seem happy.
I was truly trying to be better, trying to figure out what poly was going to look like for us. I felt I was pinpointing my issues, changing my perspective.
I can only do better next time if/when he decides to date again.
I did not want to be the voice of reason there, at all. I think I was mad about that too. I just told Dean to blame it all on me. That's what it was going to look like anyways. Me always spoiling his time with her. It was never a good situation and I think all three of us contributed.
They don't speak now. After the New Year, Dean realized she had blocked him from social media.
Dean hasn't dated since, hasn't shown interest, says he doesn't have time, that he'd rather play tennis. I honestly can't tell if he's poly or mono by the way he talks about it all.
He does seem happy.
I was truly trying to be better, trying to figure out what poly was going to look like for us. I felt I was pinpointing my issues, changing my perspective.
I can only do better next time if/when he decides to date again.
BathedInSalt
New member
I just re-read my blog. I'm so glad I have it here. I also want to archive it somewhere on my PC.
I want to tie up some loose ends in my tales.
Dean: I just spent a great deal of time talking about him and Mary. I'll update you on him and I soon.
my three girls: the kiddos, this requires a section to itself too
Soul Sister: This will be a longer update, but as it stands we are on the rocks with little to no chance of salvaging any kind of relationship. It breaks my heart when I think about it too long.
Canada:Things here got weird. We would get close and then he would shut off. He had a mental breakdown at some point too. I had ended any kind of romantic notions about him a while ago, but also could see he was struggling and as a friend I didn't abandon him even when I thought I should. Things ended badly recently. He made all kinds of accusations about my marriage and told me he "didn't need my drama". I blocked him from all my things. To me, I think he has mental issues he's just starting to address and has taken out on me from time to time. I am not invested in him enough to be his friend through his recovery. I won't leave myself open to the yo yo of getting close and him being sweet to him pulling away and then being downright ugly. I wish him well.
Sir: Sir is still my Sir and this update calls for a whole separate post. Stay tuned. Things are good.
Tall Guy: I bid adieux to this guy. Very sweet, very confused about where he is in life. I wish him the best. I'm proud of myself for letting that possibility go.
Fireman: We still chat from time to time in a friendly way. I like that things can just be what they are with him. It's cool.
BoardGame and BeachGirl: I text with BoardGame from time to time. We kept making tentative plans. I got real with him a few weeks ago just saying that I did like him, but was figuring out time management and investing in my current relationships. He was very understanding. It made me like him more. I like that I can just pick up where we left off. A no, isn't always a are no, it can be a maybe later. I dig it.
I lost touch with BeachGirl, but want to get back in touch with her. I am currently seeking out poly girl friends. Real people in real life to hang with. Crowds to circulate in. A community. I think she'd be great place to start.
"I've made several new friends : Miami, Saturn, BoardGame, BeachGirl, Portland, MaidM "
Miami has turned into a fantastic friend. We talk poly shop regularly and just in general have gotten to be friends. I'm grateful for him and he is grateful for me too. It's pretty sweet.
For the life of me I can't recall who Portland is.
Saturn is a peripheral friend.
MaidM is Mary, so you all know how that went down.
I'm planning on going to some munches or something, just getting involved with a real group of people that I'm not potentially dating. I'm excited.
I want to tie up some loose ends in my tales.
Dean: I just spent a great deal of time talking about him and Mary. I'll update you on him and I soon.
my three girls: the kiddos, this requires a section to itself too
Soul Sister: This will be a longer update, but as it stands we are on the rocks with little to no chance of salvaging any kind of relationship. It breaks my heart when I think about it too long.
Canada:Things here got weird. We would get close and then he would shut off. He had a mental breakdown at some point too. I had ended any kind of romantic notions about him a while ago, but also could see he was struggling and as a friend I didn't abandon him even when I thought I should. Things ended badly recently. He made all kinds of accusations about my marriage and told me he "didn't need my drama". I blocked him from all my things. To me, I think he has mental issues he's just starting to address and has taken out on me from time to time. I am not invested in him enough to be his friend through his recovery. I won't leave myself open to the yo yo of getting close and him being sweet to him pulling away and then being downright ugly. I wish him well.
Sir: Sir is still my Sir and this update calls for a whole separate post. Stay tuned. Things are good.
Tall Guy: I bid adieux to this guy. Very sweet, very confused about where he is in life. I wish him the best. I'm proud of myself for letting that possibility go.
Fireman: We still chat from time to time in a friendly way. I like that things can just be what they are with him. It's cool.
BoardGame and BeachGirl: I text with BoardGame from time to time. We kept making tentative plans. I got real with him a few weeks ago just saying that I did like him, but was figuring out time management and investing in my current relationships. He was very understanding. It made me like him more. I like that I can just pick up where we left off. A no, isn't always a are no, it can be a maybe later. I dig it.
I lost touch with BeachGirl, but want to get back in touch with her. I am currently seeking out poly girl friends. Real people in real life to hang with. Crowds to circulate in. A community. I think she'd be great place to start.
"I've made several new friends : Miami, Saturn, BoardGame, BeachGirl, Portland, MaidM "
Miami has turned into a fantastic friend. We talk poly shop regularly and just in general have gotten to be friends. I'm grateful for him and he is grateful for me too. It's pretty sweet.
For the life of me I can't recall who Portland is.
Saturn is a peripheral friend.
MaidM is Mary, so you all know how that went down.
I'm planning on going to some munches or something, just getting involved with a real group of people that I'm not potentially dating. I'm excited.
BathedInSalt
New member
I keep feeling like I should update my blog, there's a big chunk missing from my last post 'til now. I also feel guilty for not participating more in the forum, because while I haven't been at this long, it's been long enough and Ive successfully navigated a lot A LOT so I have some thoughts to share.
At the moment I've been dating Sir for almost 9 mths now. Dean and Him are buddies and the kids enjoy Him. We just had a weekend together that was very party-ish (my bday Friday) and also family-ish. We all went to see Dean play tennis Saturday, we all went to a brewery and met up with another family Sunday ,we all ate meals together, we watched Moana together. I don't want to say there weren't difficult moments, but we all learned something from them and it was only our second time with Sir staying in my home with the nuclear family and it went way better than that time. I imagine it will only keep getting better.
That's all for now.
It's been a ride from there to here and we all still have our limbs and heads.
At the moment I've been dating Sir for almost 9 mths now. Dean and Him are buddies and the kids enjoy Him. We just had a weekend together that was very party-ish (my bday Friday) and also family-ish. We all went to see Dean play tennis Saturday, we all went to a brewery and met up with another family Sunday ,we all ate meals together, we watched Moana together. I don't want to say there weren't difficult moments, but we all learned something from them and it was only our second time with Sir staying in my home with the nuclear family and it went way better than that time. I imagine it will only keep getting better.
That's all for now.
It's been a ride from there to here and we all still have our limbs and heads.
BathedInSalt
New member
Where I’m at with dating.
In a thread I found these great questions lunabunny posted. I’ve been going over the issue of dating with my main partners lately. Laying out expectations and just generally making sure we are all transparent with one another.
- WHAT do you really want from life and relationships?
I enjoy the feeling of autonomy that I have. I enjoy making commitments to my partners. I like the idea of a polycule with many spokes, but that may have worked best in my twenties and maybe again later in life. Who knows. For now I really enjoy my poly-fidelity-ish V. I have really come to appreciate stability.
- WHO do you want involved in your day-to-day life?
My children, my husband, my boyfriend, and ideally my close friends, the ones I call my people.
- How much time and emotional energy do you have to devote to other relationships without sacrificing time/energy from those you're already involved in? (How many full-scale relationships can you realistically handle?)
With the kids so young and at home I don’t think I could devote myself to a third, full-scale relationship. I do think I could sustain a more casual relationship, where my partner and I need less from one another, but I’m not sure I’m capable of that although it’s possible.
- WHAT does Dean really want and expect from life and his relationship with you?
- WHAT does Sir really want and expect from life and his relationship with you?
- Are you still interested in dating/seeking other partners, playmates, FWB or the like, outside of your main relationships?
Dating interests me, but not enough to let my partners know I’m going to date and starting up the process again. It interests me in a fun hobby kind of way, probably the wrong idea to have about dating.
I could probably do a FWB without taking away from my main partners.
I am interested and open to having a close female friend, possibly partner, but not enough to start that process in finding her.
I will likely always be open to that person who takes my breath away, but will I pursue it? Don’t know. I might just really enjoy the freedom of that possibility. I like knowing I can come to my partners and discuss future relationships. I like that the future could be anything. Right now I don’t think I would pursue a third main relationship for all the reasons listed above.
I have a whole list of reasons not to date. That may change, it likely will. This is where I’m at right now.
There could be a day, surprising to all of us where I come home and say “I think I just met someone special”, but I won’t be jumping into anything. That’s for sure.
I’m also holding space for my partners future relationships. I think this is wise for me.
If so, have you adequately communicated that to your current partners?
I think I’ve done as good of a job as I can communicating this.
I’m happy there are plans and goals for my V. That’s something I need to be happy.
A reason I’m not dating is because I’m leaving room for those plans. I think too many changes at once would put too much pressure on my currents relationships.
In a thread I found these great questions lunabunny posted. I’ve been going over the issue of dating with my main partners lately. Laying out expectations and just generally making sure we are all transparent with one another.
- WHAT do you really want from life and relationships?
I enjoy the feeling of autonomy that I have. I enjoy making commitments to my partners. I like the idea of a polycule with many spokes, but that may have worked best in my twenties and maybe again later in life. Who knows. For now I really enjoy my poly-fidelity-ish V. I have really come to appreciate stability.
- WHO do you want involved in your day-to-day life?
My children, my husband, my boyfriend, and ideally my close friends, the ones I call my people.
- How much time and emotional energy do you have to devote to other relationships without sacrificing time/energy from those you're already involved in? (How many full-scale relationships can you realistically handle?)
With the kids so young and at home I don’t think I could devote myself to a third, full-scale relationship. I do think I could sustain a more casual relationship, where my partner and I need less from one another, but I’m not sure I’m capable of that although it’s possible.
- WHAT does Dean really want and expect from life and his relationship with you?
- WHAT does Sir really want and expect from life and his relationship with you?
- Are you still interested in dating/seeking other partners, playmates, FWB or the like, outside of your main relationships?
Dating interests me, but not enough to let my partners know I’m going to date and starting up the process again. It interests me in a fun hobby kind of way, probably the wrong idea to have about dating.
I could probably do a FWB without taking away from my main partners.
I am interested and open to having a close female friend, possibly partner, but not enough to start that process in finding her.
I will likely always be open to that person who takes my breath away, but will I pursue it? Don’t know. I might just really enjoy the freedom of that possibility. I like knowing I can come to my partners and discuss future relationships. I like that the future could be anything. Right now I don’t think I would pursue a third main relationship for all the reasons listed above.
I have a whole list of reasons not to date. That may change, it likely will. This is where I’m at right now.
There could be a day, surprising to all of us where I come home and say “I think I just met someone special”, but I won’t be jumping into anything. That’s for sure.
I’m also holding space for my partners future relationships. I think this is wise for me.
If so, have you adequately communicated that to your current partners?
I think I’ve done as good of a job as I can communicating this.
I’m happy there are plans and goals for my V. That’s something I need to be happy.
A reason I’m not dating is because I’m leaving room for those plans. I think too many changes at once would put too much pressure on my currents relationships.
BathedInSalt
New member
I just spent an hour updating my blog and the site logged me out during that time and I lost everything.
River
Active member
I just spent an hour updating my blog and the site logged me out during that time and I lost everything.
Sometimes when writing long things -- where there'd be a lot of lost time investment if something goes wrong -- I'll highlight and copy and paste that block of text before I click to save -- on a word processing file or even my reliable email. That way I have a copy if something goes screwy.
It sucks to lose an hour of thinking, writing, typing. Sorry!
BathedInSalt
New member
Thank you for the commiseration.
I intend to copy and paste and I'll look at the member login. It's not something that has happened before, so I suppose it has gotten unchecked.
It's totally my fault for not copying for safety.
Gonna try to get back to it today. I wanna catch you up! I almost made a bulleted list after I lost the entry, but even that felt exhausting lol.
I intend to copy and paste and I'll look at the member login. It's not something that has happened before, so I suppose it has gotten unchecked.
It's totally my fault for not copying for safety.
Gonna try to get back to it today. I wanna catch you up! I almost made a bulleted list after I lost the entry, but even that felt exhausting lol.