Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

BlackUnicorn

New member
What is the online etiquette when it comes to people who repeatedly message you and seemingly forget they have contacted you before?

I am pretty sure I will not be answering this guy, since OKC even points out the date when you first messaged the person you are about to write to, and he didn't even bother to check that.

Funnily enough, he always messages me when I put 'casual sex' on my 'searching for' :D. Seriously considering whether I should change my profile from bisexual to lesbian so as to avoid the hassle. On the other hand, that would be dishonest :confused:.
 

nycindie

Active member
If you don't want someone to contact you again, just block him. I usually hide them first, so that we don't see each other on the site, then I block.

Also, I've found that on OKC, "short-term relationships" gets the idea of casual across well enough. Being a woman and selecting "casual sex" to show in your profile just tends to attract the pervs and sleazy types. Better to just search for people who are looking for that when you do a match search.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Well, I didn't post here about 3 prospects I have... or had. Didn't want to jinx them.

One nice guy, right in my town. About my age. Let's call him R. 4 kids, ages 18-30. None of them live with him. Separated from his wife 8 years ago, divorced 5 years ago. Seemed to have his shit together. We met for lunch and it went great. Very interesting, smart, funny, nice looking. 2nd date, he came here, had lovely chats, watched a DVD. We held hands and cuddled during that.

After the movie, I asked him sort of what his intentions were, and he said, I'd like to see where this is going. So, I kissed him, we made out for a while. All systems go.

Next day, we made a date to meet again in a few days. But then he got all excited and asked to come over just then. Neither of us had a big enough window for more that a quickie tho, so I told him I'd rather wait til the date we'd set a few days later.

Early on the day of the date, he cancelled saying his ex was emotionally abusing their younger kids too much and he needed to deal with the issues. I haven't heard from him again in 2 days. So, back burner on that guy.

Next guy, P, messaged me on Fetlife a month ago. We started chatting daily. He indicated he had a sort of gf, but she was vanilla and he really wasn't satisfied with that. He lives an hour away, has parttime custody of his 3 teen kids.

We chatted of many things, some sexy stuff as well as day to day stuff, and after a couple weeks set a date to meet last week at a pub near me. Day of, he cancelled b/c his youngest son, age 13, had his 3rd bout of strep of the year and needed medical attention. Told me he still wanted to meet me next week and would let me know Friday (today) if he could get away Monday or Tuesday.

So, today he didnt get online first thing in the morning as he had always done. So I texted him and he imm. got on chat and said he didnt want to meet me after all, he was "getting serious" with his vanilla gf. Fucking liar. He totally led me on, but words were, it was all "it's a free for all, just poly fun." ARRGGHHH...

3rd guy. S. We had 2 dates last year and then he had family issues, a death in the family, and moved away for a while to deal with things. Now he's back and wants to get together next week. He apologized and was very complimentary of what he remembered of me. Let's see if he also bails on me!
 

transitapparent

New member
I've been chatting with a girl on yahoo messenger for a couple days. I sent her a message on OKC and actually got a positive response back. nothing hot, nothing sexual, just kinda feeling each other out. it's long distance so we'll see how it pans out.
 

TL4everu2

New member
I've been making a new fiend with someone I met here. I've also been making a new friend with a woman I met on Myyearbook. But neither are women I am looking to "date". Just making new friends. I've effectivly given up on finding someone to "date". Just finding a new friend I can be somewhat close with, that's a female, is good enough for me right now.
 

nycindie

Active member
Thought I'd go over the results of my online dating successes/failures:

I joined OKC nine months ago (Oct. 2010) and have conversed with quite a number of guys. In the nine months I've belonged I've only actually met nine guys in person, so I guess my average is 1 per month. Here is the breakdown of how those worked out:

  1. Dreamy: Two dates > fun sex, good camaraderie > turned into friendship (tho I wish it was more) > still in touch, we go out as friends occasionally. Glad he's in my life. Sweet, incredibly sexy, funny man, I adore him!

  2. RJ: 1 date > nice guy but boring > peck on cheek at end of night > date went nowhere > no further contact.

  3. P: 1 date > dinner, sex > exchanged emails briefly afterward > he ended contact w/o explanation > still visits my profile. I think I intimidated him. Would be interested if he was, but whatever. ???

  4. M: 2 dates > very unsatisfying sex (but he thought it was great) > he wanted to be mono with me, acted weird > I broke it off > he got pissed > had to block him. Disaster.

  5. BC: 1 date > okay conversation, former swinger (now poly) couldn't keep his eyes off my boobs > not attracted to him > feeling lonely, gave him a chance, made out anyway > a few days later, told him I wasn't interested > he wanted reasons > gave reasons, then blocked him. Afraid I'll run into him at local poly events. Regrettable.

  6. GH: 1 mo. online/phone conversations > I asked for booty call > he obliged (very gentlemanly & accommodating) > wanted to be mono with someone else, took down his OKC profile > he asked to remain friends, we talk/email occasionally. Great guy who lives too far from me. His relationship ended > we'll see.

  7. Burnsy: 1.5 months of online & phone conversations, married poly guy > LDR blossoms, hot & romantic > contact with metamour, hopeful start > 2 days spent together > meals, museums, walks, sex > agreement to continue LDR. Great guy, hope it works out. Very fond of him.

  8. JT: 1 month of emails/texts > 1 date > great conversation & flirting, extremely attracted to him > hot makeout session w/ groping > calls two days later to say he can't date me, wants to be mono w/ someone else > he agrees to stay friends (my suggestion) > he took down his OKC profile. We'll see.

  9. The Writer: 2 dates > enjoyed conversations, but no spark > brief makeout on 1st date, a bit dull > clash of personalities on 2nd date > we mutually & politely wish each other well.
 
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Minxxa

New member
I've only been on OKC since maybe March? I put up the profile, then got caught up in real life and ignored it for a while. Went back and went through messages. I've talked to very few guys...

1) first guy seemed fine, but turns out he's got a girlfriend who doesn't know he's f-ing around. I told him I don't do dishonest-- he seemed to think it was a thrill. :-/

2) talked briefly to second guy... he ended up sending pics-- didn't look anything like the pic on his profile, and I had NO attraction. Felt bad, but I have to find someone attractive in some ways physically. I have a pretty wide range of what I find attractive.. and I know that there are plenty of people that wouldn't find me attractive, so there you go.

3) had one guy message me, and he seems pretty cool. We're still trying to work out getting together for a drink, hoping for this week/weekend. His profile is cool, his name doesn't have 4U or any taco references and we've talked briefly and he's fairly well spoken. So far so good. I also think he's kind of cute. :)

4) talked briefly to a guy who messaged me this week. He seems nice, but I don't have much time right now, and want to see how guy above works out before I make anymore connections. I did message him, though to let him know my plate was full right now but I'd like to chat a little and see what transpires.

That's about it for me. We'll see how it goes after this week...
 

Phantessa

New member
Forgive my naivety, what is OKC that I keep seeing people talk about?
 

River

Active member
elephant or zebra?

I think dating is, by definition, usually short-term. As for online dating, why not just try it and see if it works for you?

Dating itself is a short term activity, perhaps. But, traditionally, dating is the activity of spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to a deeper and more enduring relationship. That's what dating is (was?!).

People now seem to throw the word "dating" around in such a way that the term is becoming--or has become--meaningless. Might as well say Spaghetti-ing, for this would serve just as well--, or gloobulating. Who wants to gloobulate?

Recently I've heard folks say they were "on a date last night," but what it really was -- pure and simple -- was a casual sex encounter, and a one time deal.

I suppose our language is falling apart in every which way. No one seems to care one way or another what a term means anymore.

Forget about this dating nonsense if what you're actually wanting is some sexual playtime with a person you're not able or willing to commit to a relationship with. That's not dating. It's just not. It's not evil or bad, either. But it isn't dating. And nor is a one night stand.

I'm not a big fan of the word "dating," but it is in such common usage ... and we yet have no popular alternative to choose. And 'dating' cannot mean anything if it means anything at all. It is clear that an elephant is an elephant and not a zebra, right?
 
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nycindie

Active member
Dating itself is a short term activity, perhaps. But, traditionally, dating is the activity of spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to a deeper and more enduring relationship. That's what dating is (was?!).
. . .

I'm not a big fan of the word "dating," but it is in such common usage ... and we yet have no popular alternative to choose. And 'dating' cannot mean anything if it means anything at all. It is clear that an elephant is an elephant and not a zebra, right?

I recall reading a long forum post over at OKCupid about the term. Apparently the word "dating" means something very different in Europe. Lots of Americans think of it as you do: "spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to" something more serious. To me that includes a casual cup of coffee or cocktail just to get to know someone, going out to dinner, a visit to a museum, what-have-you, but I know a lot of people feel that dating is a "try out" period before moving forward. Personally, I don't like to feel like I'm auditioning someone for a bigger role in my life. I also view dating as something you can do without trying to make it more serious. Like, when I say, I date so-and-so, we go out and do things together but we do not have a commitment to a long term relationship. We enjoy each other's company and can be dating for quite some time but aren't officially boyfriend-and-girlfriend.

According to the Europeans that posted to that OKC thread, dating is something you do after you have a commitment. They would never call a meeting to have coffee with someone a date. They don't think of going to the movies with someone you're still getting to know "dating." I wish I could provide the link but their forum search is really bad and I don't have time to find it. It was huge. As much as there seemed to be this definite American/European divide on what people think of as a date, there were lots and lots of variations and individual viewpoints on the American side.

I know lots of people dislike the word "date" altogether. The OP in this thread asked if short term dating is moral. That question confuses me. Morals are subjective and culturally-based, anyway, but... how would it not be moral?
 
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BlackUnicorn

New member
I’ve decided that I don’t have what it takes to commit to a full-time relationship.

Yep, online dating is a good idea. You can say the above out loud in your profile, and thus limit the pool of candidates who might want to contact you so that you find people in similar life situations.

Another part of me says, dating can be for short-term if those involved are aware and okay with it. Is there such thing as short-term dating and is it moral?

You gave the key to whether it's moral or not in the first sentence. "If those involved are aware and okay with it". Of course, human emotions are sticky, weird things, and there are no guarantees that something that starts out as casual, fun and with a definite "best before"-date won't morph into something massive and long-term and messy.

I am attracted to very feminine women.

One possible hurdle ahead. Very feminine women looking for female companionship tend to be femmes and more inclined to hang out with butches. This is a horrible stereotype but that's how the scene operates most of the time. Feminine women who don't identify as femmes, on the other hand, are more often than not bisexual. Go figure.

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of my picture and info out there

You don't need a picture. I don't have a picture on my OKC account. It limits the amount of attention you get from other users, so you need to be more active yourself in getting in touch with potentials and messaging them first. You can also send files via private messages in OKC, so you can just add a photo of yourself to the first message and explain why you don't want it out in the open. You can also blog straight people from seeing your profile, so you don't have to deal with most men if you don't want to.

According to the Europeans that posted to that OKC thread, dating is something you do after you have a commitment. They would never call a meeting to have coffee with someone a date. They don't think of going to the movies with someone you're still getting to know "dating."

Thank you Indie! Exactly. That's it. Einverstanden. Second that.

In my mother tongue there are two different words, one meaning short-term dating, getting to know someone with maybe checking out if there's long-term potential, but it can totally be used just to mean something very casual and fun. And another word entirely for long-term dating when there's a commitment and often plans for shared future.

Sadly, such a distinction doesn't seem to exist in English :(.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
OK, just got this msg on okc:

If you could fart on anyone in the world, who would you choose, and why?

the hell?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
He's a 27 year old guy and his most private thing to admit is

I sometimes pick my nose when I'm driving, and when people see me...I wink at them and keep on going. I also think girl farts are adorable.

Sorry honey. That's not a kink I share. :rolleyes:
 

SourGirl

Member
Hahahahaha, oh Mags, that one is 'Tops' !

I`ve not had many doozies. I have to live vicariously. Though on Fet, I say I dont really want to friend 'friend collectors' and so,..guess what I get ?
I`ll be taking that statement down.
Duh @ me. On a kink site, and forgetting that people generally want to do, what they aren`t suppose to. :cool:
 
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