Partner has asked me to have a talk with metamour...

CrowRaven7889

New member
My boyfriend of about six months has asked me to have a "serious chat" about intentions and whatnot with his wife. Apparently she is having some serious jealousy issues and is accusing him of trying to replace her with me. He seems to think that if I talk to her and reassure her that I'm not trying to replace her that it will help. I don't know why but his reassurances don't seem to be enough for her.

Without going into a long drawn out story about the drama that the two of them have created for each other over the last six months, let's just say that I have my doubts about how helpful this is going to be. I think this is a relationship problem between the two of them and the presence of a girlfriend (could be any woman that he fell in love with, in my opinion, and that it's not really about "me") has aggravated whatever baggage that they have in their past.

Nonetheless, I've agreed to meet her for coffee to have a "serious chat." I'm pretty nervous about this conversation. My current plan of action is to tell her that I have no intent of replacing her (or any intent of using her husband as a replacement for my own long-term partner), that I don't see us as rivals or competition, and that I was curious if there was anything that I could do to help.

My fear is that she's going to say "yes, you can stop seeing him." She's already told me one that she was "thinking about" asking him to put our (mine and his) relationship on hold because she thought it was moving too fast. She then turned around and asked me to not tell him this! So I did the only reasonable thing that I could think to do and just placed it in the "red flag - do nothing" folder in my brain.

I'm very much in love with my boyfriend, and while I don't want her to feel bad, I'm not going to end my relationship with him because she's uncomfortable. If he decides to end it with me for that reason, that's a different story altogether and his choice. However, I'm not making a decision about our relationship that he wasn't a part in.

Anyways, I'm not looking forward to this coffee chat at all and was wondering if anyone had any advice to share on this.
 

PolyinPractice

New member
First, I'd be careful about putting ANYTHING in writing. You never know how she'll use it against you.

Secondly, I will discuss this matter with you, privately, if you would like some help. I've been in a similar situation :)
 

CrowRaven7889

New member
Haha, I've tried the email/text route before. For some reason, no matter what I say or what she says, we don't seem to understand each other without the tone of voice and other non-verbal cues. Besides, it clearly means a lot to my boyfriend so I don't want to say no...
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
So have him come too? :confused: So there's no triangulation?

Everyone read poly hell together?

Maybe it is easier to look at something one line at a time and ask "Any of that happening here for anyone?" rather than ask someone to articulate something they cannot articulate on their own and then they go all "deer in the headlights."

And is it that (him+you) is going too fast or that (him + her) is going untended? Don't pay too much attention to the words -- look for the feeling behind the words. Sometimes people in emotional funk don't articulate well. Just repeat back what you hear to her in your own way and ask for clarification.

"When you say ____, do you mean that _____?"

I don't know if either of those could help.

Galagirl
 
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LoveBirds

New member
Sounds like he's in love with both of them. Which is fine, but if the wife has a problem I think it's up to her and her husband. Depends on how bad you want be with her husband again.
 

Cohagen

New member
Sounds like what I've warned people about, it only works for a little while till one partner feels less worthy than the other.

Best thing to do is put a stop to your relationship lest the wife seriously retaliates. She already feels threatened by you so nothing you or your bf/ her husband can say or do will ease her feelings about you and your place in his heart.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
She doesn't trust her husband to do the right thing.

So how is your meeting with her going to fix her mistrust in her husband.
 

Inyourendo

New member
She doesn't trust her husband to do the right thing.

So how is your meeting with her going to fix her mistrust in her husband.

Thata what in thinking if emailing/text didnt woek idk what a face to face will make. Could make her insecurity even worse
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
Sounds like what I've warned people about, it only works for a little while till one partner feels less worthy than the other.

Best thing to do is put a stop to your relationship lest the wife seriously retaliates. She already feels threatened by you so nothing you or your bf/ her husband can say or do will ease her feelings about you and your place in his heart.

Ermm...What?!:eek:

Certainly, insecurities about "worthiness" can come to to fore-front as people explore poly relationships. This is why it is often stressed that existing relationships need to be rock-solid and good communication established before embarking on poly practice (as opposed to poly theory). "Relationship broken, add more people." is a recipe for disaster.

******

To the OP:

I agree with the posters who say that any problems in their relationship really need to be addressed by the people IN that relationship. I also agree with your decision to NOT end the relationship preemptively.

Personally, I would go to the coffee chat, even if I thought it was likely to do no real good. I think it would be unlikely to do any more harm and many people seem to find that meeting/talking to/getting to know their metamour helps flesh them out as a "real person" and not an amorphous/fantasy threat. Your boyfriend, at least, seems to think that it might help and I tend to view an uncomfortable hour or two as a "small price" for trying to help someone I care about.

Of course, I am also leery of putting (possibly incriminating) words in writing (if they could be used against me or someone I care about - say, in divorce proceedings) so I prefer FTF or phone conversations for sensitive topics (plus the benefit of clearer communication with the addition of non-verbal cues).

JaneQ
 

CrowRaven7889

New member
Thanks everyone. I think JaneQ's assessment most closely matches my own at this point and I agreed with everything that she said. I do have a fear that they might fall into the "relationship is broken; add more people" category.

Additionally, on some of the other points...

I told him when I agreed to do this coffee chat with her that if she said anything odd or anything that I thought he needed to hear, that I would pause it and call him in. Right now, my plan is to focus solely on my intentions and thoughts and not comment on their relationship (which, yes, in my opinion includes some serious jealousy and trust issues - on both sides) and focus on my intent and to see if there is anything that I'm doing wrong. Once again, I think it's a bit of a waste of time (my honest opinion is that nothing is going to change for better or worse as a result) but it means a lot to him so I'm willing to do this.

I do believe that her problem stems from my relationship with him moving too fast for her liking as well as trust issues between the two of them.

Yes, I believe fully that he loves both of us.

Lastly, I'm totally unconcerned about her retaliating or using written stuff as evidence in a divorce. They're very much "out of the poly closet" and are on record using their real names on the internet while talking about being poly. Her other male partner even lives with them.
 
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nycindie

Active member
I told him when I agreed to do this coffee chat with her that if she said anything odd or anything that I thought he needed to hear, that I would pause it and call him in. Right now, my plan is to focus solely on my intentions and thoughts and not comment on their relationship (which, yes, in my opinion includes some serious jealousy and trust issues - on both sides) and focus on my intent and to see if there is anything that I'm doing wrong.

I am sure you're not doing anything wrong. I think your plan for the chat is a good one.
 

PolyinPractice

New member
So, she has a live-in boyfriend, but is jealous that he has feelings for you. Ugh. So typical, I read a quote, "Polyamory has no place for jealous hypocrites."

Point in case :p
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
She has a live-in bf as well as a husband, and is jealous of her husband having a gf?

I'd say, go meet with her. Personally I'd want my bf/her husband there. It sounds like you have a heavy agenda though, to somehow "prove" to her that you aren't out to steal her husband (a cowgirl). Are you his first gf? Isn't she sure he is poly? She thinks he is looking to replace her even though she hasn't replaced him with her bf? Odd.

Generally it can help a jealous spouse to meet their new partner. Somehow just meeting them can make them seem less of a threat. But having the agenda of proving you aren't a a cowgirl could definitely make you feel nervous. How do you prove a negative?

I'd try and keep the conversation light, just chit chat and getting to know each other. Might make you seem less demonic.
 

YouAreHere

Well-known member
I agree with Mags - I'd go meet, but I'd like to have my BF there as well. Then all parties are there for "the big talk" and your BF can address things that you may not be able to (if he's not meeting one of her needs, for example).
 

PolyinPractice

New member
She thinks he is looking to replace her even though she hasn't replaced him with her bf? Odd.

No, just very, very ordinary. If I were him, I'd be disappointed to find that out :( That she is like most people with poly....it's amazing how many people think poly means they can have multiple partners because they have "such a big heart," but see nothing wrong in denying that right to their partner(s). "I want lots of lovers all devoted just to me." Yeah, that's unique.
 

CrowRaven7889

New member
I think the suggestion to just go ahead and have him there for the talk is a good one. I'll suggest that to him.

Honestly, I really don't think I've done anything wrong nor do I believe that I could convince her that I'm not a "cowgirl" (interesting term, never heard that one before). I'm going to state my case and then leave it at that. There is no point in engaging in an argument or getting defensive over things... although I'm worried that is what she will try to do.

He told me that she's nervous about this talk too, and that she told him that she thinks it's going to be a verbal beat-down session on her, which is like the exact opposite of my intent. I don't know what to make of that statement but it doesn't help me feel any better about the upcoming chat.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
He told me that she's nervous about this talk too, and that she told him that she thinks it's going to be a verbal beat-down session on her, which is like the exact opposite of my intent. I don't know what to make of that statement but it doesn't help me feel any better about the upcoming chat

You don't have to make anything of it.

Your hinge shared that she is afraid. Now you know her current emotional state. She's fearful. And? Was he trying to update you for a reason, or just making your aware?

You have no intent to scare her. Cool.

You could choose to let her know that now or at the chat. Or neither.

Galagirl
 
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YouAreHere

Well-known member
Not to sound cynical, but this is also a very good reason to have your BF there with you. What she hears through her fear may be very different from what you end up thinking you've said. It'd be good to have all of you there if she feels she needs support, or she thinks you've said something hurtful that you didn't intend to come across in that manner.

Not that your BF should have to be a mediator, but having his own interpretation of the talk (rather than getting a she-said/she-said version) will be a good thing.
 

CrowRaven7889

New member
I think he was letting me know that she was nervous about it too because I told him that I wasn't looking forward to it (I'd made some sort of joke about how I was anxious because we were going to have a heavy talk while Mercury was in retrograde, haha).

You guys are making a strong case for having him there too. I'm going to ask him to join.
 
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