Partner's heart was broken - what do I do?

[splendiferous]

My nesting partner's first poly relationship (since we opened up) didn't go as well as they had hoped, and I'd like some advice on how to handle living with someone who is suffering from a broken heart.

It was a complicated relationship for them from the start-- they had formerly dated and wanted to see if it would work between them again. It very quickly became apparent that my partner's feelings for this girl were more than her feelings for them. She deescalated the relationship back to "just friends" status.

None of this is my business, obviously. I'm trying to keep my opinions and feelings out of this and learn how best to support my partner through this time. The vibe I'm getting is that they are suffering but feel that as long as they get to keep her in their life in some way, the suffering is worth it.

If this were my friend going through this, I would tell them as gently as possible that they probably need to stop talking to her for a while and get their feet under them, maybe find someone who can return their love in the way they want. But the situation is too complicated for that and instead I just have to watch the sadness behind their eyes, watch them check their phone 15 times in five minutes to see if she's messaged them back, all the while knowing they won't talk to me about it because, as I said, it isn't my business.

How can I help? How can I figure out where my boundaries are, as in, what if this never gets better for them and they refuse to let the relationship go? When does it become too much for me? I don't want to watch them suffer for the rest of my life, pining for the crumbs of a woman who might not ever love them the same way. I'm trying to be respectful of their feelings, but also trying to stop being so damn codependent all the time. Is there even anything I can do? I know you can't rush the healing of a broken heart, but what if that person doesn't seem to want to heal?

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Bobbi]

How can I help?

Be there when they ask for it. Listen, hug, hold. Do not say anything beyond "I'm here for you" or "I love you." Anything else isn't helpful.

What if this never gets better for them and they refuse to let the relationship go? When does it become too much for me?

That's up to you to decide. You can give them time, but they have to come back and give YOUR relationship what it needs. You can tell them what you are needing in your relationship, and if they don't step up, then you can choose to leave.

If it were me, I wouldn't expect anything in the first two weeks. After that, they can still be grieving, but need to start giving attention to your relationship. If it exceeds 6 weeks without them making any effort, still hanging on to a person that isn't around, while ignoring the person who is clearly there, I'd end it.

I don't want to watch them suffer for the rest of my life, pining for the crumbs of a woman who might not ever love them the same way.

Yeah, don't do that/

I know you can't rush the healing of a broken heart, but what if that person doesn't seem to want to heal?

Then they can "not heal" without you. You get to choose how you live your life, just as they do. They can pine over someone who will never love them, while you move on to find someone who will love you.

 

[GalaGirl]

This is what I would do in your shoes.

None of this is my business, obviously. I'm trying to keep my opinions and feelings out of this and learn how best to support my partner through this time. The vibe I'm getting is that they are suffering but feel that as long as they get to keep her in their life in some way, the suffering is worth it.

If that is their belief, I would leave them to it. I don't have to join them in it.

If this were my friend going through this, I would tell them as gently as possible that they probably need to stop talking to her for a while and get their feet under them, maybe find someone who can return their love in the way they want. But the situation is too complicated for that and instead I just have to watch the sadness behind their eyes, watch them check their phone 15 times in five minutes to see if she's messaged them back, all the while knowing they won't talk to me about it because - as I said - it isn't my business.

They believe the suffering is "worth it," even if you don't. They haven't asked you for input, so leave them alone with it. If they do eventually ask you for input, whatever you'd say to a friend is fine.

Let them have the room if they are stuck on their phone and you don't want to see that. But set limits if they are doing that in bed with you. An agreement to not use devices in bed is reasonable, if you are trying to sleep and the shining screen is a bother. They can get up to use the device.

How can I help? How can I figure out where my boundaries are? What if this never gets better for them and they refuse to let the relationship go? When does it become too much for me? I don't want to watch them suffer for the rest of my life, pining for the crumbs of a woman who might not ever love them the same way.

This is the first time for both of you, and you don't have benefit of past experience to think, "They always get this way after a recent break up. They don't start normalizing until 3-4 mos in. I just have to wait out the first chunk" to reassure yourself.

You can remember that you can set your own limit of tolerance wherever you like. If this is dragging on--

• You can ask them to take different actions, like: "It's been X mos. I'd like you to see a doctor/counselor because I'm concerned this grief is turning into depression and it is affecting our relationship."
• You can stop living together and only see the partner on dates where hopefully they can set this aside temporarily and be PRESENT enough to have a nice date with you. Then you don't have to watch them moping in your home anymore, because you have a different home.
• You can break up with them.

You do NOT have to watch them suffer for the rest of your life. If they are at the same level of break-up grief a year out from now, you can talk to them/make some decisions. But cut them and you a break. It sounds like the break-up was recent.

Do you get uncomfortable watching other people struggle with big feelings? Does it make you anxious? Are you able to let them be and not want to fix it for them?

I'm trying to be respectful of their feelings but also trying to stop being so damn codependent all the time. Is there even anything I can do? I know you can't rush the healing of a broken heart, but what if that person doesn't seem to want to heal?

You cannot stop someone else's codependency FOR them. They have to do that work. Either working on themselves, talking with a counselor, attending www.CODA.org meetings, or similar.

If the person doesn't want to heal, you get to decide if you want to date them or walk away.

Galagirl

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Is it more about some sort of jealousy or envy that he's so enamoured by this other person? I ask because, while it started with you wanting to help him, it quickly turned into you needing to assert boundaries around how long he's allowed to feel down about this.

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like your partner tried to date an ex as his first foray into polyamory with you. But that ship had sailed and their ex decided they didn't want to date.

Eh, this happens. It's not the end of the world. It's certainly not the end of the world for YOU. Like Seasoned said, underneath your worry about your partner grieving "forever" about the end of a relationship might be your own discomfort with them having tried to date an ex.

No grief remains intense forever. They will gradually get over it. Give them some space and let the grief take its course. If the grief is excessive, there is counseling for that.

I once grieved for the end of a relationship for six months, and I was so harmed by it (they were a narcissist, there was love-bombing, gaslighting, triangulation, lying, etc.) I will never truly "get over it." I learned life lessons from it that will affect me forever.

But just like how a parent might lose one child and neglect their other children, if they do unhealthy behaviors to excess, they need professional help.

You can be kind to your partner. But don't you be the codependent one. Suggest your partner take the help from other friends (not you) if they are stuck in grief very deeply. I am sure there is baggage there leftover from their first break-up, so this makes things a bit more more complicated.

 

[Openbook23]

I ended a relationship back in April that was similar to what Magdlyn describes. She wasn't a narcissist. She was fearful avoidant (aka disorganized attachment wounds)...BAD. The actions are very similar to a narcissist, but the motives are different. The results on the partner are the same. Being love bombed, and then discarded is incredibly painful. It messes with your self-esteem (and I'm normally pretty secure with myself). It exposes childhood fears of abandonment. Most importantly, it affects your ability to trust people the same way ever again. And the pain is intense. It's the worst emotional pain I've felt, and I've been divorced and lost my father.

For two months, I was a wreck. My spouse has been very patient and very caring. And I've still done things with her. I'm not neglecting her. I was just sad. After a couple of months, it got easier. I still have moments of intense grief, though...months later. Some losses hit hard, and there's nothing you can do to fix it. However, your partner should not be neglecting you. If after a few weeks, your partner hasn't returned to showing/giving you what you need, talk about it. It will get better over time, for sure, but you still have needs too. Your partner should respect that.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello splendiferous,

The most important thing, is to just be there for them, and give them some space. A broken heart doesn't mend overnight, they will always feel a pang for the relationship they lost. Just be understanding, and let them grieve in their own way.

It is okay to give them advice, but do so only if they ask for your advice. It is okay to tell them your opinion, but do so only if they ask for your opinion. They need to experience that they can get through this on their own, and that they can learn and grow from it without help. They may need to learn some hard lessons, which they can carry with them into future relationships.

If watching them suffer gets to be too much for you, especially if it's because they're not learning the hard lessons they need to learn, you can gently sever the relationship between you and them. Hopefully it won't come to that, but you need to decide how many months/years you can put up with this.

This is a rough situation for both of you.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.