Patterns or coincidence?

Rooster

Member
As I read through old threads I've been noticing that a lot of couples open up when they're around 40 years old and have been married around 20 years. At first I thought I was just being biased because it's similar to my life, but then I kept seeing it over and over again going through old intro posts.

I'm starting to wonder if there is any "science" to it, possibly related to mid life. Maybee that's the age when people start adopting the YOLO mentality.

Also it seems like most poly people are 420 friendly, meaning they ethier partake themselves or are ok with it.

Lastly, are most poly persons animal lovers? I know my family has a ton of pets, and I see many screen names are animals.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I don't think there's any hard stats on this stuff. Researchers tend to get their questions wrong whenever one shows up here (and gets told just how misguided they are lol).

I see a lot of "in our 30s, been together since high school" posts.

I rather hope it's a sign of society becoming more curious in general.
 

Token2

Member
You see with swinger couples lots of couples who have been together since they were in high school.

My husband and I have been together nearly 30 years. We're both 50. I think there's trust in the strength of your relationship to give change a try. And in our case our existing monogamous relationship was longer than most relationships last - so we were proud of what we had achieved but didn't need to define ourselves through it.

We wanted to grow and explore - as individuals together.
 

under_moonlight

New member
I think it also depends on where you're looking!! My husband and I just both turned 30 this summer, and my OSO is only 32 and has been doing polyamory/ENM on and off for a while with his other partner. There's another couple in town that my husband hangs out with to play D&D that is only a little older than us (both in their ~mid 30s).

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but after the pandemic started I really got into watching TikTok for feel good stuff since it was a depressing time. I'm not sure how much you know about TikTok but their algorithm is spot on and sometimes recognizes things about you before you do. I very quickly went from watching cute clips about animals and feel good news stories to clips with queer, kinky, neurodivergent, and polyamorous content.

I still get the cute clips (as well as some clips about rock tumbling and hiking), but the other clips have shown me that there is at least a small circle of polyamorous people that cater to that sort of content. Some of them are older, some of them younger (one as young as 22 and started in her teens!). Some of them are queer, some of them are not. There is even a variety in how they practice and what they find ethical or not! I honestly can't get enough now because there is an educational aspect to a lot of their videos as well and I am a lifetime learner.

As for when I was actively searching for another partner, OKCupid was my go to app and there were a variety of people on there as well. Admittedly, finding out that I was more than heteroflexible took place after I had stopped actively looking, so my experience from this only generated male candidates. Still, once again, past those who were not truly polyamorous or ENM, there was a variety of ages, though I kept my age scope no lower than 25 (I'd feel weird dating someone too young).

My final interaction (past here of course) is through munches that I attend through FetLife. A munch is a public, non-sexual gathering of folks interested in kink and/or BDSM that gives you a chance to get to know people on the scene and to hangout with your connections. It is somewhere else I am currently seeking community in, but more for kink, and I have not yet made many connections since it's relatively new to me.

Some of the munches are even specifically geared towards polyamory, but even the ones geared towards just kink tend to have quite a few polyamorous/ENM/open/swinger folks. Once again there is a variety amongst ages for sure, and I have even seen whole 'polycules' at such events.

That being said, above is also just based off of my own anecdotal interactions, so I'd be interested to see more concrete data about this before coming to any conclusions. Going just off my own observations I have noticed trends such as D&D/Table-top-gaming, neurodivergemcy, queer, and kink! Mind you these are things that interest/pertain to me so it's natural I would have found crossover there (a great case for correlation vs. causation). I am definitely not saying every polyamorous person is into these things, but from those that I have observed quite a few of them are from my own circles! ☺️

I'm sure there already is some research on at least some of this stuff, and I would love to see it, but I hope as it becomes more of a prevalent thing and gets more research it's way!

What a stimulating topic of conversation!!
 

Inaniel

Active member
As I read through old threads I've been noticing that a lot of couples open up when they're around 40 years old and have been married around 20 years. At first I thought I was just being biased because it's similar to my life, but then I kept seeing it over and over again going through old intro posts.

I'm starting to wonder if there is any "science" to it, possibly related to mid life. Maybee that's the age when people start adopting the YOLO mentality.

Also it seems like most poly people are 420 friendly, meaning they ethier partake themselves or are ok with it.

Lastly, are most poly persons animal lovers? I know my family has a ton of pets, and I see many screen names are animals.

The demographics here might have more to do with this website's format and vibe.. You might not come to the same conclusion browsing the r/Polyamory reddit, but who knows...

I began doing drugs at a young age however I am mostly free of them now... I think drug use was the first thing that helped me see through society's BS.. Perhaps that was a catalyst to considering alternative relationships too. My first group sex experience was at age 16; and I have had multiple partners in some capacity ever since... When I was younger I was fairly reluctant to label myself as anything.. Even at the age of 28 and in love with two people, I was still reluctant to identify as poly...
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Rooster,

You might find the following book interesting ... "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff. The author has done a lot of research over the past, say, twenty? thirty? years? ... and she has identified a number of trends and tendencies within the poly community, which she shares in this book. As far as I know, she is the best source we currently have for studying and analyzing polyamorous demographics.

The trend I've noticed lately is a lot of people age fifty are switching to polyamory or trying it out. But I may have confirmation bias, I am 55 myself. As for kink, 420, D&D, queer, and other off-the-beaten-path tendencies, I think there is a common cause for all of these things and poly: namely, that such people tend to be more open-minded in general and thus, are more likely to be into more than one of those things. Maybe animal lovers fit with that as well, I know I am an animal lover (I especially love my cat).

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 

Rooster

Member
I rather hope it's a sign of society becoming more curious in general.
I'll agree, I think being curious causes us to question why society has set those "morals" in place and if it's really necessary.

I think there's trust in the strength of your relationship to give change a try.
I also think that once a relationship has a rock solid foundation it's easier to consider the idea of opening up.

I'm not sure how much you know about TikTok but their algorithm is spot on and sometimes recognizes things about you before you do. I very quickly went from watching cute clips about animals and feel good news stories to clips with queer, kinky, neurodivergent, and polyamorous content.
My wife shows me a lot of Tik Tok stuff and I have noticed that they tend to be more on the "progressive" side.
The demographics here might have more to do with this website's format and vibe.. You might not come to the same conclusion browsing the r/Polyamory reddit,
It's very possible I'm just noticing the posts that I relate to more. When I first started browsing I did go to reddit but the vibe there was totally different, it didn't feel like a "judgment free zone" in fact a lot of threads read just the opposite.

I think drug use was the first thing that helped me see through society's BS.. Perhaps that was a catalyst to considering alternative relationships too.
A catalyst? Or just a "do what makes you happy" outlook on life? Again this could all just be coincidence, in my state recreational is legal so it's much more accepted.
You might find the following book interesting ... "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.
I did find some chapters on pdf. It dose look interesting but the publications I found were limited.

Maybe animal lovers fit with that as well, I know I am an animal lover (I especially love my cat).
Yea but now that I think about it this link might be a stretch, I mean who doesn't love animals LOL.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
As I read through old threads I've been noticing that a lot of couples open up when they're around 40 years old and have been married around 20 years. At first I thought I was just being biased because it's similar to my life, but then I kept seeing it over and over again going through old intro posts.

I'm starting to wonder if there is any "science" to it, possibly related to mid life. Maybee that's the age when people start adopting the YOLO mentality.

Also it seems like most poly people are 420 friendly, meaning they ethier partake themselves or are ok with it.

Lastly, are most poly persons animal lovers? I know my family has a ton of pets, and I see many screen names are animals.
In my area almost everyone poly seem to be in their 20s so not sure I agree. I am an old man at 47

In my 20s I would have been considered enm. Poly came late by accident in my 30s.

I would agree about 420.. unfortunately. I would say where I live probably produces this. Bc isn't unknown for it's pot.

Ummm.. never noticed about animals. Not an abnormal amount.

I would say I notice a larger volume of neurodivergence.

I also struggle to find people with .. ummm ... Non nerdy hobbies. Mountain biking, hiking.. etc. Most people I find play board games, role play, artistic style

All of these could be tied to the area ..
 
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