Pink's Journey

PinkPig

Well-known member
It seems I'm at a crossroads. Or maybe it's a midlife awakening? At any rate, my life is changing so quickly that I barely have time to process one change and regain my footing, before the next has my head spinning again. Seems like an appropriate time to start a blog :rolleyes:

I am Pink. I am mother to Jade, Emerald, and Ruby. Emerald is away at college, and Ruby is an adult, living his life. In less than 2 years, Jade will leave the nest, too. In less time than that, I will be a mother-in-law. It's ironic how both quickly and slowly, children grow up.

I am partner to Blue. We live apart, not by choice, but by circumstances. I say that, and yet, the certainty that I felt about that (and the certainty that I felt that we would ultimately live together), has slipped away. I do not know where we'll be a year from now, or even a month from now. For his part, Blue still claims certainty....but sometimes his actions speak otherwise. And sometimes my heart whispers otherwise.

I have no other partners. Haven't really since Snow left, almost two years ago. I have tried dating, but I find it daunting. Perhaps because I have such little experience with it? The relationships with Blue, and Snow, and my ex (father of my children), happened all quite by accident, not by design. So consciously seeking out partners feels awkward and time consuming? If poly is a spectrum, I'd guess myself to be closer to the mono side. I love so many things about poly...and I love Blue, who is so very poly, but right now I have no desire to be poly. Perhaps it's lack of time? I run a small business, with all the busyness that entails. A small business on the cusp of something new (and uncertain.)

Blue has two other partners. Both LDR. He's been with Sage a few months. Their relationship has been rather dramatic, with many ups and downs, and not really much physical time together. Partly because of the distance, partly because she works even more than me, and partly, I suspect, because of me. She claims herself to be poly but I've yet to see evidence of that. She is, at least poly-friendly. We don't speak often, but we can and have. Not quite the kitchen-table-poly that Blue & I prefer, but friendly and cooperative. I suspect this will either calm down and develop into something more soon....or fizzle out. I guess we'll see.

Azure is his new LDR partner, very new and very mono, and most definitely not poly friendly. She knows he dates other people...but she has no desire to know anything more than that. She claims acceptance that he dates others...because she says she knows monogamy isn't realistic when they can only see each other for two long weekends per month. But that statement makes me feel squeamish? Maybe because I think she thinks of herself as his primary and the "others" as fulfilling a sexual need? Or maybe because it makes me uneasy that Blue can be so willing to be with someone who doesn't know I exist (as in me, as a person)?

This will be Blue & Azure's first weekend together (as in first time for sex and overnights.) I'm feeling unmoored by this relationship. The last night we spent together, Blue got out of bed twice to talk to Azure (the first call woke me, the second call, I was awake.) Yet, this long weekend when they're together, he will not call or text me since that would intrude on Azure's illusion that Blue is *single*. To be fair, I wouldn't expect a call... and only the minimal of texts....and I wouldn't call or text him unless it was truly urgent... it's how I willingly and happily handle his time with Sage. His excitement and the NRE he feels for Azure is palpable. Hence the uneasiness and uncertainty that I feel.

For my part, I am trying very hard to be mindful and present and patient.... to wait and see how things unfold. Mostly, that's working outwordly, not so much inwardly. Hence this journal ;)
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
My mother is dying. This seems worthy of its own post. It's not her physical body. That's in reasonable health for a woman her age. It's her mind, her spirit, the very essence that is my mother, that's dying. That feels harder and more unfair to me. But, then, how would I know since I've never had a mother die?
 

Leetah

Member
Don't know if you want other people's comments on your blog. Feel free to ask me to take it off if it is unhelpful.

My condolences on your mother. My mother has had repeated stokes over the last decade which she has struggled back from, losing a little mind and body each time. Having one's smart and caring mother staring absently when you try to interact is so sad. I anticipate losing my mother will be like losing a connection to a reality, a world will be definitively gone. I think it will be sort of like my (terribly shallow) understanding of the Buddhist difficult Middle Way which seems to be, in part, accepting the complete and utter uncertainty of life. When there is no longer a Mom in the world to turn to, a big certainty is gone.

'Course this is only if one liked one's mom.:eek:

Leetah
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Thank you, Leetah. That is exactly how I feel. Its hard to imagine my life without her. But, I guess we adjust, same as we've adjusted to their new reality?

And yes, comments are welcome :)
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Thank you, Opal.

This weekend feels so different than the other weekends Blue has spent away. I was reflecting on why his relationship with Azure leaves me feeling so unsettled. I came up with three reasons.

The NRE in our relationship is long gone. We've settled into that comfortable phase that ltr usually get to. The comfortable shoe phase. In a mono relationship, this phase made me feel comfortable and secure. In a poly relationsip, this phase feels scary. Following the shoe analogy, this would be the point I start shopping for new shoes to replace my worn, comfortable shoes. Yes, I'd still wear the old shoes occasionally, but increasingly less, until I stopped wearing them all together. But then, I tend to wear my favorite shoes until they're really worn. I am afraid of being replaced. I know this is my issue.

For all his claims to prefer kitchen table poly, Blue's dating history while with me doesn't really reflect that. To be fair, I do think that's his preference, but he'll choose partners who don't fit that rather than wait for partners who do. And I get it, we live in a very poly-unfriendly area, so finding poly friendly women isn't easy. Of the six women he's dated during our relationship, two were kitchen table style, one was reasonably friendly (Sage). The other three were/are some form of DADT. I do not like feeling like a secret. I do not like giving someone else consideration....for scheduling, contact with Blue, etc.....when there is no reciprocation, since in their mind, I don't really exist. I do it anyway, because it feels more ethical to me. This is a Blue issue. Why is he so willing to engage in DADT relationships?

The last is fear of demotion and loss of Blue time. And yes, I know, my fears are mine to deal with. This fear is slightly different from the fear of replacement for me for one reason: While I'm certain Blue isn't looking to replace me, I'm not so certain he isn't willing to demote me. This is always a valid fear in poly relationships, imo. It's the whole poly saturation thing. The point at which a poly person becomes saturated does not necessarily mesh with the poly person's partner(s)' contact threshhold. Time and energy are finite. This is a trickier fear to tackle, imo. Blue is aware that I do not consent to be in a relationship in which I feel secondary. Nothing less than co-primary works for me. Btdt at the beginning of our relationship and I will not go back. We do need to discuss what that looks like time and energy wise. This fear feels valid because Azure feels like a game changer to me. And that is the crux of why I feel so unsettled.
 
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PinkPig

Well-known member
Today I will spend the day with my mother. She doesn't remember the details of my life, have access to the memories of my childhood, or even remember the things she likes, but she remembers me as her child. And that is enough for today. I know the time is rapidly approaching when she won't recognize me. She no longer knows her sister. Doesn't recognize my sibling, her own child. But today I will be grateful for the things she does remember. I will be mindful and present. I will remember for both of us.
 

lorettab31

New member
sorry about your Mom

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom.
Sometimes the best you can do when people don't remember is to just be there and hold their hand.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Thank you, Loretta.

I had a nice weekend while Blue was gone. The weather was gorgeous! I took several solo walks, watched the sun rise and set. It's meditation for me, centers me and keeps me focused and in the present instead of stuck in my head. The day with my mother was nice. She seemed more mentally alert. In some ways, she reminds me of a child. Unsure of her likes and dislikes but excited to try it all :) I am thankful for moments like that. I also had plenty of time for family and friends.

Blue is back now. And it feels different. I feel different. I think the constant change and dance of partners, the adjustment from one to the next makes me weary. He says nothing between us is different for him...but I feel a definite shift in our relationship these past few months. Maybe it's me who's different? I feel so much less certain of our future...less certain of him. Sometimes, I feel like the trophy girlfriend. Maybe I'm becoming cynical? When we first started this journey, poly felt liberating. Like a whole new, expansive world had opened. Now it feels restrictive. Maybe it's poly, maybe it's my partner. Probably it's me. A return to therapy definitely seems in order :/
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Change, the one constant in life. So many changes since my last post. Where to begin?

Blue & I have had many discussions since my last entry. He is an awesome listener :) We've made changes. He's adjusted phone call times...no more getting out of bed for phone calls...less texting...more open communication. It seems despite how good we thought we were at communicating, we've done a fair share of miscommunicating lately. He sensed my uneasiness which prompted him to be less open (thinking the openness about Azure was causing my uneasiness.) Instead, the change in communication increased my anxiety and uneasiness and round and round we went. :rolleyes: And, of course, I saw that the sky did not fall just because his relationship with Azure moved to the next level. :eek: Things have settled down considerably.

The relationship with Sage is still up and down. The constant reeling him in and pushing him away has worn Blue down. They have no plans to see each other again. It seems this relationship will fizzle out.

As for me, I did go back to therapy. Found a wonderful, open, poly-friendly, glbtq-friendly, buddhism-leaning therapist with whom I click. Unfortunately, she's out of network and costs considerably more, but it will be money well spent. I'm meditating again, practicing mindfulness, reading, and walking. Feeding my soul. As a result, I feel much more centered and at peace. I still do not know where things will go with Blue. But, I am ok with that. I am committed to enjoying what we share now...and leaving the future to take care of itself, as it always does.

Work is crazy, busy, frustrating. I'm leaving for a long business trip. It's exactly the wrong time to go, with the craziness that is work right now. And, yet, I really have no other choice. :/ So many changes at work...good, necessary changes...but uncertainty feels scary to me.

Speaking of scary and uncertainty....there's the election. So many people I love, so deeply affected in so many ways. The close friend who's clients are worried their city will lose sanctuary status and they'll be deported....another who works with addicts trying to better their lives....the lovely young transwoman I've come to think of as another daughter. And my friends and family members who are wondering how this presidency will affect their existing and future marriages, my son included. As scary as Trump is, I find Pence even scarier. I know as VP, he has no power, but he does have influence and he is the next in line if something happens to Trump. :(

On a positive note, Blue & I have the whole weekend together...nothing planned, just time together before I leave. And, the weather is nice :)
 

Tinwen

Active member
As for me, I did go back to therapy. Found a wonderful, open, poly-friendly, glbtq-friendly, buddhism-leaning therapist with whom I click. Unfortunately, she's out of network and costs considerably more, but it will be money well spent. I'm meditating again, practicing mindfulness, reading, and walking. Feeding my soul. As a result, I feel much more centered and at peace.
This is encouraging for me to read, thank you.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
I leave for my business trip tomorrow. I'll be gone a week....then Blue leaves to visit Azure the day after I return. With the exception of one evening, we'll be apart for essentially two weeks. We've not been apart more than four days in over two years. My anxiety is back :/ I know there are very valid reasons why that week works for them and not the week I'm gone. But it feels like a statement to me.....and I think if I'm really his primary/priority as he says, then he should want to be with me after the week apart. I know that's petty and selfish. And I know it's not a competition, but my mind goes there anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for poly. I do feel happy and compersive for Blue but I also feel fearful and sad for me. I really wish there were time for a therapy appointment tomorrow morning, but my flight leaves too early. So I'll meditate and journal, and use visualization to relieve the anxiety. And remind myself that I much prefer feeling my feelings (even the not so pleasant ones) to medicating myself numb which is how I felt on meds.

In other news, my mother did not recognize me yesterday. You would think that would make me sad, but she was so happy and cheerful that it felt ok...good even. In the end, isn't that what we want for our loved ones? If only I could let go and just feel that way with Blue.....let go of my attachments, expectations, and fears. That's what I'm practicing with my visualizations.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Thanks, Tinwen. As you can see, I go up and down :/ But therapy, meditating, practicing mindfulness, exercising, and Journaling have made a huge difference for me :)
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
The business trip was exhausting but both fun and successful. The fun part was a pleasant surprise! Blue and I were able to squeeze two extra, short visits in with our one overnight prior to his leaving to visit Azure. This is the second of five days apart. This time is easier than last. It helps that all of my kids were home for the holidays :) I still feel uneasy about this relationship but I'm adjusting. I'm not use to feeling jealous. It's very disconcerting. He and Azure will be taking a week long vacation in January. I'm really struggling with jealousy over that one. Which is most definitely petty on my part. Blue and I have been on multiple vacations together. I am planning to take the youngest kid on a weekend trip while they're away to distract myself. I'm also considering going back to yoga classes, if I can squeeze them in to my schedule. I think adding structure back into my free time will help.

Aside from that, all is well in my world. Ruby is busy planning his wedding...I'm really looking forward to being a mother-in-law :)

Sage is no longer in the picture.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
It seems my poly journey is coming to an end. Azure was a game changer, as I suspected. His priorities have shifted (though he won't admit it, it was evident in every action.) The ending was my choice, not his. But, it hurts the same.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I'm sorry :( You're very courageous.
How long have you been together? Is he the father of your children?
 
<Hugs> My husband wouldn't admit that his priorities changed with his game changing relationship with his girlfriend for years. I admire you for being able to end your relationship with Blue when you needed to, listening to his actions instead of his words. I'm sorry it hurts.

Edit: I know a lot of people recommend Franklin Veaux book "The Game Changer" as a way to understand this sort of thing better by reading someone else's experience. I bought it hoping it would help me understand the thoughts and feelings of my husband better. It's an interesting book, but I've read it twice now and it really didn't help me understand my husband's position at all. Just thought I'd share how I felt about the book, in case it is useful to you.
 
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PinkPig

Well-known member
I'm sorry :( You're very courageous.
How long have you been together? Is he the father of your children?

Thank you, Tinwen. We've been together just over 3 years. My children are from my long-term marriage to my exh.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
<Hugs> My husband wouldn't admit that his priorities changed with his game changing relationship with his girlfriend for years. I admire you for being able to end your relationship with Blue when you needed to, listening to his actions instead of his words. I'm sorry it hurts.

Edit: I know a lot of people recommend Franklin Veaux book "The Game Changer" as a way to understand this sort of thing better by reading someone else's experience. I bought it hoping it would help me understand the thoughts and feelings of my husband better. It's an interesting book, but I've read it twice now and it really didn't help me understand my husband's position at all. Just thought I'd share how I felt about the book, in case it is useful to you.

Thank you, Hannah. I haven't read that book, though I've considered it. I'm very familiar with the website and have read More Than Two multiple times. I will check it out.

I don't know if Blue is in denial or if he just wasn't ready to be honest with me about his priorities. I think because I'm local and she's ldr, he justified the changes in priorities because of the distance. He's begging me to meet with him to talk things through but I don't see the point. He feels how he feels and I feel how I feel. I love him and want him to be happy...but I want to be happy, too.

I'm sorry about your husband. I read your blog. ((Hugs)) to you, too.
 
Thank you. I know that in my husband's case, he looked at the physical reality of our lives (own a home together, mingled finances, having children together) and felt like all those aspects should be enough to affirm my place in his life, totally ignoring the emotional aspects that pointed to why his girlfriend was a game changing relationship. It sounds like Blue may be caught in the same pattern of thinking, from what you said about his views of you being primary simply because you're local.

I agree, you need to do what you think will make you happy, in addition to thinking about Blue's happiness. If you don't, it can lead to some awful mental health spaces, at least it did for me.
 
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