Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people

I met my ex-husband at a dance club - but for people met while already poly? Both my husband and boyfriend through OKcupid. OKC also has led to a couple dates here or there with nice people. For in person, at poly friendly parties I did meet one girl I had a couple dates with, and some decent people at a weekly poly friendly bowling.

I've only felt some sort of instant chemistry 3 times in the last 8 years though - one was the above mentioned woman, the other two were in everday situation where I wouldn't have known how to turn the interaction into flirting even if it didn't seem kind of inappropriate, so I am guessing I'm stuck with OKC. I figure since neither my husband or boyfriend were instant connections I don't have anything to lose by going that route :p Either that or become an extroverted social fiend, which seems less likely...
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
I met MrS at a party while he was home on spring break my senior year of high school - waited 4 months to seduce him and then took another 6 months to admit that we were in a "relationship".

Met Dude at his grandmother's house when MrS took me to meet his snake (which he needed a home for). 4 months later I "met" him again - in my basement TV room - and "sparks" happened.

VV was MrS's college friend, MsJ married our friend.

I hate dating and doubt I would ever meet anyone that wasn't already a friend or a friend-of-a-friend.

JaneQ

PS. for the record - Dude says he has met every girlfriend he has ever had in someone's living room...
 

Alleycat

New member
Met the Wife thru a mutual friend one summer evening many years ago. We lived very close to each other in the neighbourhood, and apparently I had caught her eye weeks ago in passing on a bus. (Although at the time I hadn't noticed her . . .. yet)

Met the girlfriend outside a bar I frequent, she had just moved into the area at the time, She had actually stopped there to borrow a lighter and find something to do that evening, ended up having a few beers with me and a couple of my friends that evening.

Previous partners and flings I've met at work, in bars, at concerts and shows, in line for coffee in the morning . . . . . . . pretty much anywhere.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
This is an excellent thread because so many people come on here asking "how do you meet other poly people?" Although I tend to look down my nose at people who are frantically searching for partners, i think they deserve a better answer than "try OKCupid and look for poly groups and meet-ups in your area". Yet, at the same time, telling them "just go about your life and do stuff that interests YOU and you will find partners, but you won't find anyone if you're TRYING too hard", while appealing to those of us for whom that has been the case, is like trying to describe some activity, such as skydiving, that can only be appreciated by experience (I have never gone sky-diving). People are also often told to look for poly people at Ren Faires and the SCA. That always gets a laugh out of me because how desperate do you have to be to take up a hobby or activity you'd hitherto had no interest in JUST BECAUSE there might be poly people there. I mean, people have ulterior motives in all sectors and walks of life, but I still find it creepy that the relationship-needy individual is just hanging around to scope people out, like a guy who signs up for a sewing circle JUST to be around females.

Anyway, I'm going off. The point of this post was to express appreciation for all these real-life examples being collected in one place.
 

nycindie

Active member
I mean, people have ulterior motives in all sectors and walks of life, but I still find it creepy that the relationship-needy individual is just hanging around to scope people out, like a guy who signs up for a sewing circle JUST to be around females.
Or a cooking class.

You just reminded me... back in the early '90s when a friend of mine and I decided we wanted to find more sensitive men to date, so we attended a lecture by Sam Keen. He had just written Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. My friend and I kept joking we were on a manhunt. Oh, boy, we decided never to do that again., although I did get a date from someone I met there who took me to a Bruce Springsteen concert, but that bored me to tears.
 

Fiona

New member
Met my husband through mutual friends almost half our lifetimes ago. We didn't date until many years later, and have been together nearly ten years.

My partner - we met at a mutual friend's birthday party. I had an intense and immediate crush on him, but avoided doing anything about it because I thought he was too young/uninterested. Four months later, we really started talking (and making out) at a party at the same friend's house (I later found out that this friend had told him that I was attracted to him.) We've been together for about 1.5 years now.
 

YouAreHere

Well-known member
Met my partner in high school, reconnected at our 20th reunion, although we were both married, our friendship grew, our marriages ended, and our relationship began.

His OSO went to HS with us too, but she'd moved away sophomore year and we all reconnected on Facebook, basically a little after the 20-year mark.

If we're bringing up exes, I met mine in college. Stay in school, kids! :D
 
All online.

I met Fly in an internet chatroom (not romance or sex related) on AOL.

I met Punk through OKCupid.

Fly found Moonlight on AFF because he wanted to experience a FMF threesome. He totally had to talk me into it - there was no pressure, but I was definitely reluctant because I'm not a big casual sex fan. I'm so glad I decided to go along with it! :D
 

nycindie

Active member
I said earlier in this thread that it seems I have better luck meeting people in real life, but I am also trying to be more active on OkCupid. So, I went out Friday night with a guy I met on there and I really like him. And I'm chatting with another... so we will see!

There is someone else I am interested in who came into my workplace last week and flirted with me outrageously. I hope he comes by again soon!


As an aside, some of the places I have met guys I dated in the past: work, classes, bars, the laundromat, the subway, an interstate commuter bus (that was Cranky - we went out for about 9 months), the city streets, Starbucks, and the post office (my STBX).
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
I met my husband online 11 years ago.

My boyfriend I met through friends at a car show. Been inseparable every since..
 

nycindie

Active member
Yes, nycindie, it is a website for swingers. On most, you can register as a couple or a single male or a single female.

Okay, was just checking your use of the word "lifestyle" which I know is a popular term for both swingers and people into 24/7 BDSM (and generally not used for poly). Thanks.
 

crystalandb

New member
How to know if someone is Poly

I understand there is no way to know for sure if someone is poly without asking but I am wondering if anyone has experience with this and has tips.

So, my husband and I are new to the poly lifestyle, like we haven't even meet anyone yet. Anyway, I am married to my best friend. We talk about everything together. We have a couple who we are best friends with. The wife is my best friend and the husband is his. It is no secret that the wife flirts with my husband and my husband flirts with her. It also is very obvious that the husband is attracted to me and I to him. We don't flirt because we are both very shy (the husband and I). My husband and I talk about it all the time and find it cute. Anyway, we haven't told anyone that we are poly because we are new and just trying to completely understand what we want. It is frustrating because there is so much tension between us but I don't want to ask because I value our friendship and I don't want to scare them off. We all have been flirting with each other's spouses for over a year and in front of each other too.

So the question: Does anyone have any tips on how to find out if they are poly without asking? They are are best friends and we love them. we do not want to scare them off or make it awkward around them. To add to the confusion we all attend church together. Any tips, advise, or experience would help. Thanks
 

JustUs

Member
I am not sure you can actually find out if someone or a couple are poly unless you are aware if either of them are in a relationship with someone in addition to their spouse or just asking them straight out.

Sounds like all 4 of you are very comfortable with each one flirting with the other SO and it sounds like you all hangout with each other a lot in a friendly setting. Would you and your husband be comfortable enough telling the other couple that you are poly, but without expectations of developing a relationship beyond the friendship you all have?

Or bringing poly up casually over drinks, say you and your husband are considering it and ask the other couple what their thoughts are on poly relationships are, just to see their reaction. If you feel a sense of comfortableness on the subject, than just kind move onto a new conversation.

I do have to admit, from all the flirting that goes on between all of you, bringing up the topic of poly may open all new doors for you all. Might be worth talking about.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
Maybe they are wondering the same exact thing about you.
 

crystalandb

New member
I am not sure you can actually find out if someone or a couple are poly unless you are aware if either of them are in a relationship with someone in addition to their spouse or just asking them straight out.

Sounds like all 4 of you are very comfortable with each one flirting with the other SO and it sounds like you all hangout with each other a lot in a friendly setting. Would you and your husband be comfortable enough telling the other couple that you are poly, but without expectations of developing a relationship beyond the friendship you all have?

Or bringing poly up casually over drinks, say you and your husband are considering it and ask the other couple what their thoughts are on poly relationships are, just to see their reaction. If you feel a sense of comfortableness on the subject, than just kind move onto a new conversation.

I do have to admit, from all the flirting that goes on between all of you, bringing up the topic of poly may open all new doors for you all. Might be worth talking about.



Great idea. My husband and I will have to try to bring up something on the subject to test their reactions. It is so nerve racking. :eek:
 
Top