Poly & depression

B

booklady78

New member
As is often the case, I want to bounce an idea on the forums before broaching it in person.

I have a husband and a boyfriend. I understand why having other partners works for my husband and I. Our bond remains strong and hasn't been diminished, in fact in a lot of ways it's stronger. I love both of them a great deal.

My boyfriend suffers from depression, something I've been learning to accept and trying to understand. He is monogamous and when we met he expressed his views on marriage and kids, both were things he had no interest in. He enjoys being in a committed relationship, but doesn't believe in the need for any kind of ceremony to define it. At the time, this didn't phase me. My thinking was that I also didn't want children and I was already happily married. We had stumbled, blindly, into polyamory and I was very happy to explore this new relationship, to let it develop as it went along.

It is within my nature to be supportive and nurturing and so I do my best to be a loving partner to him. He doesn't have another partner so I am "it". At times, it has been an emotional rollercoaster to accept his depression as a part of him. It clouds his emotions and at times has made it difficult for us to communicate.

In many ways, he is a loving and kind partner, very thoughtful and generous. He also tends to shy away from the "big stuff", making plans, talking about the future, and being there for me emotionally is not usually possible.

I want to be selfless, to be my bfs partner but it seems that he is not able to offer himself to me in the same way. I know that relationships aren't 50-50 and I'm not naive enough to believe they even should be.
I wonder if part of the reasoning of getting involved with someone who is poly is that different partners can fulfill different needs. He wants to be loved, as all of us do, but he isn't capable of offering love in return - not in the way I sometimes need. I also wonder if he believed that because I had a husband/partner already, that I wouldn't need him to ever be one.

This is going to be a tough conversation, I'm trying to decide how I can even begin to have it. He has expressed that he is happy to be with me and enjoys what we have. It's not that I want to change what we have, I just want to know what it is. It seems that within any relationship, a discussion of what each party wants is pretty straight forward. Poly and depression seem to be making this particularly difficult.

I dislike the term, but he seems to want to be "secondary". He wants to be loved and considered, but doesn't want to be elevated to a "primary" role. And yet he needs me, he leans on me, and I want very much to be in his life. I'm just not sure how much he wants to be in mine. I think his depression makes him feel less capable of being a husband/partner.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, there wasn't really a question in all of that, just a venting really. If anyone has experience in dealing with a depressed partner, I would greatly appreciate any insight.
 
You seem kind, peaceful, and loving. With that attitude and determination I imagine you could approach almost any discussion you wish.

In my group, I am the one that tends toward depression. The only thing I can tell you that helps me is that my partners don't give up on me. Sometimes just knowing that can pull me through difficult periods. I need to see my value through the eyes of others, when I don't see the value in myself.

I wish you happiness.
 
I don't know how many good friendships your boyfriend has, but you might want to encourage him to cultivate some of those. It sounds like part of the problem is that he leans on you far more heavily for emotional support that you are able to on him, which is going to feel a bit more unfair the longer you are together if it troubles you. I imagine it would help if he was able to get more support and feedback from other non romantic relationships.

You might want to share with him that you are feeling sad that he isn't there for you the way you are for him. I wouldn't expect that means he would be able to change how he is, but it may make you feel better to be honest, and help him to know what page you are on. And you don't have to define it as primary secondary, you could phrase your queries about what he wants from a relationship with you in terms of "Do you want to share X, Y, Z" etc. I am sure there is some good resource around here for discussing this, but I wouldn't know offhand. You might find that he does want some things you consider "primary" but without discussing the specifics you wont know. It sounds like you know he isn't able to really say where he sees you two being in 5, 10 years, so I think that helps to accept that it's just the way he is, and not take it personally. I do get the impression that you would be happier if said he wanted to be in a long term primary relationship with you?

My husband would say hobbies are good too (ones that involve interacting with other people). I think it certainly helps with depression, but depending on the personality, not everybody want to participate in those things, even if it would make them feel better.

My boyfriend is on anti-depressants. Some of the things you say about your relationship strike home for me. It's hard for me not to wish communication on his end was easier and more plentiful, but I know it's just not to be. Of course my bf doesn't lean for me emotional support at all, and even though this also feels unbalanced because I would enjoy feeling useful in this way. I've begun asking him for advice about dating and other relationships, because that is what I _want_ from my partners. I'll be OK if he does not give me what I _want_ but the most important thing for me is to have the freedom to be honest about what I want, and to risk sharing it with him without being invested in the outcome of if he can or wants to give it to me.
 
Last edited:
I would be careful that he's not using his secondary label to allow himself to feel second-rate, thereby contributing to his depression. It's so easy to stick with the familiar.
 
TruckerPete said:
I would be careful that he's not using his secondary label to allow himself to feel second-rate, thereby contributing to his depression. It's so easy to stick with the familiar.
Click to expand...

+1

I know when I start swinging down my already low self image gets worse and worse, and I start finding reasons, without thinking about it, to lower myself even more.

It's not logical, it has nothing to do with what you know, but rather what you feel. To make it worse, it's also usually not done intentionally.
 
booklady78 said:
In many ways, he is a loving and kind partner, very thoughtful and generous . . . being there for me emotionally is not usually possible.

I want to be selfless, to be my bfs partner but it seems that he is not able to offer himself to me in the same way. I know that relationships aren't 50-50 and I'm not naive enough to believe they even should be.

. . . He wants to be loved, as all of us do, but he isn't capable of offering love in return - not in the way I sometimes need.
Click to expand...

You're right in saying that relationships aren't 50/50. They are 100/100. What I mean is that each person is 100% responsible for their own part in the relationship, and we all give 100% of what we're capable of giving. It may not seem like he is giving the same as you are, but maybe it is simply that he is giving 100% of what he is able to give, and that the conflict may be coming from how you look at it. Sure, he may be holding back, hesitant to commit more, and perhaps even being lazy about what he can give, but still that is part and parcel of who he is and being 100% true to himself. It is always a challenge to accept something that does not fit into our mental pictures of how we think things should be, but that doesn't mean it isn't working or beneficial to you both just the way it is.

It seems you want a sense of balance and equal give-and-take in this relationship. Equanimity, a mental state of "evenness," is about having emotional stability, satisfaction, and a feeling of composure -- but that comes from awareness and acceptance of what is present in our lives at the moment. Finding that sense of equanimity in relationships is not necessarily about each person giving the same.

Whether poly or mono, we all hold onto fantasies about relationships. But our fantasies aren't always what's best for us, or rather, they are not always better than what we've already got. I am trying to deal with that now, with a fairly new relationship, only two months old, and I also have an internal conflict between how I think it should be and how it is, and sometimes this is directly due to his illness. Recently, I am realizing he is as present and alive and giving to me as he can possibly be, even though I sometimes "think" it should be more, and more, and more. I think I have just entered a stage of acceptance about this relationship and it feels pretty good to have that. The fact remains that we have a good time together, care about each other, he feels good about who he is when he's with me, and I feel good about who I am when I'm with him.

I have always believed that that is the true measure of if a relationship is working or not -- it isn't about how it fits into certain parameters I've dreamed about, it's about how I am affected by it and how I feel about myself when we're together. Do I feel satisfied with what is? And is my esteem in good shape when I'm with someone? Of course, only I am responsible for my self-esteem, but there are toxic people or situations that can chip away at it. And enough disappointments can erode my satisfaction. But the big question for me is always, do I feel okay about myself when I'm with someone? And if I'm not, how much of it is a number I'm doing on myself, and how much is it something he is doing? If the scales start tipping away from feeling well in myself, satisfied, having equanimity, and toward the direction of feeling shitty about myself, whether my problem stems from my own mental processes or something the other person is doing, then I know there is trouble and something that needs to be changed.
 
Last edited:
I agree with the previous responses.

I am someone who doesn`t want the people I am dating, to treat or feel about me, equal to their spouse.
However, it has nothing to do with depression or self-worth. Or fear of kids, etc. As TP suggested, make sure being secondary, isn`t because he feels second rate.

Be careful of the 'I want' fantasy as nycindie suggested, but also be careful of giving more then you receive. Sometimes relationships are lop-sided, but in that case, I would be uncomfortable receiving more then I could give.
Maybe that is a good way to approach your boyfriend ? Ask him about his feelings regarding the way love is given and received. Ask him if he feels there are ways he would like to express more to you, or give more, or anything he wants to work towards of his own accord.

Basically give him the opportunity to set forth his own ideas, rather then directing them to specific avenues. He might be one to express himself in unconventional ways, at which point you need to decide if those ways make you feel truly loved the way you desire.
 
I have suffered from depression, and can identify with your bf.

Like other contributors, I wonder how much of his wanting to be in a relationship with a poly, and to be the secondary in that, is a matter of him feeling he has not got a lot to give.

However, I would not suggest making this point in the form that you want to get as much as you give: if he feels he has little to give, he might interpret what you are saying as a request to cut down what you are giving to match his perception of what he does give.

Instead, I recommend finding ways he can support you: whatever they are: emotional or practical or whatever. (Real ways, don't pretend, of course). Emphasise them along the lines of 'if you can do X it will help me a lot'.
 
Thank you so much for your responses, they really have given me a lot to think about.

I really hesitated to use the term "secondary" as I dislike the label, I was struggling to find more appropriate words.

I do agree that I need to approach a conversation with him in terms of what support he is able to provide, rather than what he's not doing.

I can appreciate the differences in both my husband and boyfriend, their differences are what makes each relationship special to me. Feeling like I'm walking on eggshells around my boyfriend is an adjustment. I'm very used to being able to speak my mind freely and I find that my timing and approach as well as his energy levels and emotional state can be a delicate balance.
I really wanted the perspective of poly folks in similar situations as much of the literature available on depression is specifically monogamous. I've been reading books and browsing through forums about depression and they are a bit overwhelming. The depression forums that I've found were, quite honestly, negative and full of hopelessness. So many people aren't able to stay together through mental illness.

I would agree that more of a support network for him would really help a lot. I've encouraged him to reach out to other friends who have experienced depression and are happy to be there for him. He hasn't taken them up on it as of yet. I also have a real problem with medicating a mental illness without any ongoing therapy. He just goes in to a doctor every 6 months to adjust his dosage. Medication does help, I don't disagree with him taking it. I believe that he needs help to better understand how his depression affects him. He wants to go through life with things as calm as possible, but when shit happens, he doesn't seem able to cope very well.

I don't know what the future holds, but I was looking for a bit of hope. I believe your answers have provided me with that and I truly appreciate it.
 
I'm still in a bit of shock, our talk didn't really accomplish anything but alot of tears. I'm not able to search for less blunt wording, but basically he is pretty messed up at the moment. I severely underestimated his ability to deal with his emotions and communicate, or even understand what he wants. He's genuinely unsure of whether or not he can even be in a relationship, unsure of what kind of partner he wants, or can be himself.
It's doubtful that he will seek out any kind of therapy, just the routine anti-depressant dosage check in with his doctor.

He wants to severely cut back the time we spend together. Apparently he's been feeling uncomfortable spending any time with my husband and friends, which has been for about 3 hours a week at a regular group get-together. We work one block away from each other and start work at the same time so we've been taking the 10 minute bus ride together in the mornings, but he doesn't want to do that anymore. He has other activities 3 nights a week so I had no idea we were spending a great deal of time together, but we "see" each other every day since he lives downstairs... Most days it's the bus commute in the morning and maybe 30 minutes to say g'night.

He's never been able to say that he loves me, but he admitted that he feels less close to me lately. He wants more space, more time to himself to "work on making decisions on what he wants in his life". He's been spending his alone time lately playing video games and watching tv shows and I've been backing off until he started canceling our plans for this "space".

He admitted that he's unsure if he wants a girlfriend right now.

I'm truly at a loss to recap the whole conversation as I'm bouncing between bouts of sobbing and just feeling numb. I don't know what to do, I'm frozen with grief and anger right now.
 
I'm sorry to hear this as well. Especially because you said earlier you and your husband rarely if ever have sex, so bf was filling that need for you.

Is your husband supporting you through the grief of this sad possible breakup with bf? I am also wondering if you and the dh are connecting any better sexually lately.
 
booklady78 said:
He admitted that he's unsure if he wants a girlfriend right now.

I'm truly at a loss to recap the whole conversation as I'm bouncing between bouts of sobbing and just feeling numb. I don't know what to do, I'm frozen with grief and anger right now.
Click to expand...

Sorry about that. I can really empathize with you on this one...quite a bit of your bf's behavior sounds very similar to my now ex-gf. It's hard when we think we're doing the right thing, but it turns out that our partner's don't have their own head sorted out enough to communicate their needs properly.
 
This was a pretty emotionally draining week, but I got through it with support from my husband and friends (and of course lovely things from the folks on here!).
Giving my bf space was incredibly hard, knowing he was just downstairs and I couldn't see him. He truly didn't know how difficult it was until I told him today and we talked some more. He wants me in his life and he cares about me, I know that. It's been hard to for him to be so wrapped up in my life, and poly life. He doesn't crave the inclusiveness, the domestic routine as much as I do. I think I was getting caught up in all the things I was "offering" him without realizing what it was that he actually wanted. It didn't help that he was having trouble even figuring out what he wanted, his depression makes that hard.
It's something that I know I've been cautioned about on these forums, from some wise folks, I just didn't want to see it until it was causing all these issues. I rely on keeping the people in my life happy to make me happy, and it doesn't always work out that way. I know that I've been relying heavily on him to fill many voids in my life, things that don't have anything to do with him. I need to stop being so afraid to be alone.
If he needs some time for a little self-reflection, I can accept that.
I think I need to do some of that too.
 
Things have been coasting along lately, not really any momentum gained. My bf had the opportunity to seek out a referral for therapy at his regular 'dosage' check in, but declined to ask for help. He's taken to offering flimsy excuses as to why he doesn't want any therapy at the moment so I've left that conversation alone.
All he seems to want to do is play videogames and D&D. He can barely put the controller down to have a conversation now. I'm happy to curl up and watch a movie, but as soon as the movie is done he wants me out of the room. I can't even sit on one end of the couch and read while he plays, he wants his space.
I've been trying to read up on 'detachment' and it's such a foreign concept to me. I realize that I spend so much time trying to make others happy, I don't take the time to account for what I need to be happy. My life is my relationships and that's not really a healthy thing.
Money is super tight at the moment so I've been hunting for a part time job, I think it would be both a practical thing and a way to occupy my time, perhaps explore a new interest.
I don't want to punish my bf for being so distant lately, but I'm torturing myself lately waiting for him to 'snap out of it'.
He's not willing/able to communicate what he needs so I need to stop guessing and assuming what those needs might be. Depressed or not, he is an adult capable of formulating thoughts and feelings. I am not going anywhere, my support for him remains.
I worry that taking a step back to focus on myself appears selfish and I'm also wondering how to balance that with my other relationships. If I step back, focus on me, find other things/interests to occupy my time, then they may also take time away from my husband, friends, and family.
Anyone have experience with 'detachment' in a poly dynamic? I've heard the term used for depression as well as addiction, the basic idea is the same. Loving yourself so you can keep up the love for your partner.
 
I don't know about detachment in a poly sense but I do know that folks who go to Al-Anon or something similar learn about and practice ways to keep one's sanity while the loved one loses theirs - literally, to mental illness sometimes, or to addictions.

Start poking about for a support group for people who care for people with depression. Or perhaps an individual therapist or trusted friend?

It is one of the hardest things on earth to watch a loved one spiral into depression, addictions, insanity, etc. There is often very, very little you can actually do to help, or even make things less bad.

One of my boundaries is that while I will consider being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness (Beloved has bipolar and it was something we dealt with when we were together) I will not stay involved with someone who is not dealing or managing their mental illness consistently. Your boundaries will vary, obviously, but detachment may not be enough. You may want to start thinking about walking away.
 
booklady78 said:
I worry that taking a step back to focus on myself appears selfish and I'm also wondering how to balance that with my other relationships. If I step back, focus on me, find other things/interests to occupy my time, then they may also take time away from my husband, friends, and family.
Click to expand...

Isn't taking a step back exactly what he's asking you over and over to do? Doesn't that make it not selfish, but rather respectful to do so? Why if it that time with your bf is ok, but time spent by yourself takes away from others? Wouldn't time spent on the couch with your bf have that same effect?

The ball is truly in his court. He's made himself very clear, and by not stepping back all you'll do is appear clingy, not supportive. You can't force anyone to change, but sometimes changing yourself can be the most powerful possible thing you can do for your loved ones. If he sees you developing as a person, maybe it'll help him reflect on where he needs to go in his own life. Or maybe not, no way to know. But being a more fulfilled, active person will enhance your ability to be a productive, wonderful part of the lives of ALL the people you love.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top