Poly = hippie?

PixieStyx

New member
I have kind of noticed that too. Not that polys are hippies per se but are at least the pagan and liberal types. My husband, boyfriend and I are all very conservative and its making it somewhat difficult for us to find someone for my husband that shares our values but yet is still open to an open marriage/relationship arrangement. Yes we three are somewhat of oxymorons LOL.
 

SayYes

New member
I'm more of a hipster than a hippie, at least judging based on appearances. If I had to categorize myself somehow I'm an academic and an anarchist, definitely not into the sci-fi stuff and whatnot. But I don't have any kind of poly community outside of my two partners, so I can't speak of what's "normal."
 

noisymother

New member
Goths, Gamers and Geeks mostly that I've come across so far :) Mostly pretty young too - and I suspect they might describe me as a 'hippy' (Although I prefer the term 'Bohemian' myself!)

This is in the UK . . .
 

Breathesgirl

New member
I think it is regional. And I to a point have the same problem.

You could always go and try and find another level to relate on. :)...

Its funny, I am a sci fi geek...I don't do sci fi
I ran d&d and roleplaying games for decades...I don't relate well to most gamers
I enjoy bdsm play...but for me its just play. I enjoy the rush it gives, I dont live it

But in those circles I have found random people to relate to (and this forum has been good too ;)) You might have to step out of your comfort zone into someone elses to find what you want, and heck you might like it.

Too true! Both boyfriends are gamers & are in the same D&D 4th ed game right now. A short hiatus is coming up though since the DM is going on vacation. Possibility is wanting to try and run his own game though so who knows? I am in no way a gamer, unless you count word & card games, but find myself attracted to them for some reason.

We have other things in common though & that's how we met, through other interests.

I've found, though, that I usually find someone compatible when I'm least looking for it, lol.
 

TL4everu2

New member
Hmmm...Interesting still guys. My wife and I seem to be having issues with meeting other people....We find them, but as soon as they find out that I do mixed martial arts, or even that I am involved in the martial arts world at all, they never speak to us again. :( We are feeling like the ugly toads right about now. LOL We don't want to lie to people when they ask us what we do for a living....so we tell them we own our own business. They ALWAYS persist and ask further what we DO in our own business. So we tell them....Then they disapear. ;(
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Hmmm...Interesting still guys. My wife and I seem to be having issues with meeting other people....We find them, but as soon as they find out that I do mixed martial arts, or even that I am involved in the martial arts world at all, they never speak to us again. :( We are feeling like the ugly toads right about now. LOL We don't want to lie to people when they ask us what we do for a living....so we tell them we own our own business. They ALWAYS persist and ask further what we DO in our own business. So we tell them....Then they disapear. ;(

Wohoo @ MMA...I know a few poly people that wouldn't have a problem with that. Personally, I only want to hear details :D
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
It must be grooovy to have such an effective BS filter. If I were you I'd consider this a GOOD thing. Funny how it works - sometimes you don't even get to the point where you have to USE those martial-arts skills.

Seriously, these are probably people you don't want in your life anyway. If someone ran away screaming after finding out how many cats I have, they probably wouldn't make a very good companion for me no matter what else we have in common.
 
Last edited:

TL4everu2

New member
Wohoo @ MMA...I know a few poly people that wouldn't have a problem with that. Personally, I only want to hear details :D
Which details do you want to know about? The training in 95* heat? Or the ass kicking I got at my last fight? LOL Seriously, I lost my last fight. It only left me ugly for a couple days. LOL Fought a guy who was 15 years younger than me, and weighed 10 lbs more. It...was...a...BLAST! I loved it! His punches didn't hurt at all....It was so much fun I want to do it again and again....However, my body hasn't been so co-operative lately. I broke my ring finger on my right hand, and it still hasn't healed. :( Once it is operational, I'll be back in the ring again. Until then, I train. My fights are always out of state in Louisiana or Alabama.

It must be grooovy to have such an effective BS filter. If I were you I'd consider this a GOOD thing. Funny how it works - sometimes you don't even get to the point where you have to USE those martial-arts skills.

Seriously, these are probably people you don't want in your life anyway. If someone ran away screaming after finding out how many cats I have, they probably wouldn't make a very good companion for me no matter what else we have in common.
"Groooovy"? Wow...Haven't heard that since...like...the mid to late 70's. ;) LOL It works, yes, but it totally SUCKS and makes us feel terrible. But we love each other, and are completely content with each other. Just wish we could find some others to share it all with. ;) Know what I mean?
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
I would think that expertise in the martial arts would be an attractive quality in a potential partner, but what the hell do I know...
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Which details do you want to know about? The training in 95* heat? Or the ass kicking I got at my last fight? LOL Seriously, I lost my last fight. It only left me ugly for a couple days. LOL Fought a guy who was 15 years younger than me, and weighed 10 lbs more. It...was...a...BLAST! I loved it! His punches didn't hurt at all....It was so much fun I want to do it again and again....However, my body hasn't been so co-operative lately. I broke my ring finger on my right hand, and it still hasn't healed. :( Once it is operational, I'll be back in the ring again. Until then, I train. My fights are always out of state in Louisiana or Alabama.

Sure that works. I was thinking more pro, amateur etc haha...just don't want to hijack the thread :p
 

TL4everu2

New member
I currently fight as an amateur. Although I've been involved in the martial arts for over 14 years. ;)
 

SourGirl

Member
hmmmm

I am free-spirited in my head, but very far from being a hippie. I think there was a thread where we all discussed the 'stereotypes' in a cheeky, fun way.
My husband and I, love watching MMA and UFC. fair to say, anyone who knows me, knows I am slightly addicted to it. :p

...out of 3 ex-bf`s (in a poly way),..

-2 loved UFC right along with me.

- One actually trains for. ( Sexy submissive that he was.)

Also a female friend who is part of our lives, enjoys UFC.


So there must be a few of us,..we might be driven underground, but we do exsist. :)

I just realized, any of the 'poly' people I talk to,...none are of the 'hippie' variety.
 

swfltriad

New member
Interesting points

We are new to Poly and have noticed "free thinking/hippie" people, but we also have ran into our fair share of others as well. :)

Hell, in our family, I'm a red neck gun toten hunter that has a strong military background; one wife is a Deadhead hippie, other wife is neither who happens to love both of us. We are conservative in thoughts of politics. None of us use drugs!:)

My opinion hippies are more accepting people for who they are.
 

catbird

New member
I'm sort of a hippy, have known hippies, can't say it's exactly the same thing as polyamory. The hard line genuine hippies lived communally, sought to separate themselves and drop out from society, grew their own food, tried to make their own sense out of life and free themselves from all establishment influences.

Now society has in many aspects joined them.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Free Love was a big deal in the hippie movement, and it's basically the core value of poly.

My favourite fiction genre is murder mystery, but I don't ever use that as a criteria for who I am willing to date. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't even occur to me to date somene who dressed in a way that they really liked but that I found goofy or otherwise unattractive. If you actually notice someone as a prospect, the surface things that make them different than you are probably not dealbreakers, even if you find those things strange.

I try not to judge people based on how they dress, largely because I feel that I am often judged on my stretched earlobes and mohawk, even though I'm not a bad-ass, graffitiing anarchistic punk. Based on my appearance, few people would guess that I'm doing a double-honours in physics and chemistry. I figure if my own appearance can be that misleading, then the same probably holds true for everyone. And sure enough, I've met trendy-dressing girls who weren't bimbos obsessed with their hair, and I've met grungy skateboarders who were daytime lawyers.

My husband and I both have habits that we thought were deal-breakers before we got together. He smokes tobacco, I smoke pot, neither of us likes the other drug. He's a conservative, I'm NDP (last civic election, we both voted by job title, knowing nothing about the candidates. He voted for the businessman, I voted for the unemployed singer). He's a redneck, I'm a hippie. None of these differences stopped us from having a great relationship, and have fueled many fantastic discussions. We do both have similar spiritual beliefs, and I think that's important.

I was just at the Vancouver museum on Saturday, and they have an exhibit about hippies. From what I understood, "classic" hippies is all about rejecting the mainstream in whatever ways they can: making their own clothes and dressing funny, doing drugs, exploring free love, not working, opposing war... I've always identified as a hippie because I've always gone against the grain of mainstream society.

As an aside, there's a difference between sci-fi being your favourite genre and being a sci-fi fanatic. I read and watch sci-fi because I like the alternative universes and creativity. I don't dress up in Star Trek costumes or have light saber fights or go to sci-fi conventions or put posters of Dr. Who all over my house.

the few poly people I know in person are academics. (writers, teachers, scientists)

*raises her hand* ... One of my profs came out to me as poly after seeing I'd started a poly group on fetlife. :) And as for me, I'm a career student. Two of my best friends who are also poly are an instructor and a computer tech at a university. I hadn't really considered this correlation, but now that you mention it, there are a lot of academic polys!
 
Last edited:

FormerUnicorn

New member
I'm sure the SCA simply attracts non-mainstream types, but another interesting point is that the organization actually has a tenet of courtly love built into it. The idea is that it's okay to show respect, interest, and admiration for others in a "courtly" manner even to people who would normally be unavailable in the real world.

It manifests in different ways. Sometimes it is simply a heightened level of politeness and graciousness, sometimes it can be a real mark of respect, and often it is just a convenient excuse for outrageous flirting without the sting of rebuttal or the expectations of follow through. It is supposed to be a part of the atmosphere rather than something contentious, but can often take people by surprise if they aren't familiar with that aspect.

In the guise of these personas and these rules of play, it is easier to express your admiration for another person. Because the social rules make it acceptable, I feel that it really opens up the lines of communication in a way that is missing in most people's everyday lives. I can really see this upping the poly curious count, at the very least.

On a more personal note, in my first triad we were active SCA members, and events were the ONLY time the husband would ever flirt with me or touch me in public, and then he was extremely attentive, even more so than in private. It was funny when you consider that we knew and hung out with many of the participants in our regular lives, so it's not like these weren't people we didn't see on a regular basis. Our usual boundaries seemed to not exist under this alternative set of rules. :)
 

Ariakas

Bosun
FormerUnicorn,

Not judging, I am really curious. Don't you find that it ends up being based on a platform of falseness? While dressed up and playing you can act that way giving you the confidence to do it, and the rule endorse it. But it is play. When things go back to normal, the fantasy of how or who that person is changes?

BTW I do understand roleplaying, I did it for most of my young life. But taking the roleplaying, and applying it and the rules of that to a relationship in real life would seem very strange to me.

As an example, in the online world most people create a persona. I purposely avoid this and check and double check my posts to ensure it is me coming across. I would hate to meet people and then be told I am not who they thought I was. The falseness of being online takes away from the reality.

Maybe I am just looking at it from the glass is half empty in this case. But I am curious how this environment induced confidence translates into real world relationships :)
 

FormerUnicorn

New member
FormerUnicorn,

Not judging, I am really curious. Don't you find that it ends up being based on a platform of falseness? While dressed up and playing you can act that way giving you the confidence to do it, and the rule endorse it. But it is play. When things go back to normal, the fantasy of how or who that person is changes?

Falseness? Absolutely not.

Let me say that for most people, their personas are simply a historical template applied over their own personality. It gives you a temporal context, usually based on the periods that you are interested in. For example, my persona was Italian and fairly late period, 1400s to 1500s. What this meant for me is that my name was Italian sounding, and my costuming focus was largely Venetian because I am interested in the garment construction methods of the day. Beyond this I was always myself.

Some others restrict themselves to a very narrow time period and place, and some take care to cultivate a personality that is different than their own, but those people are rarer, mostly because being active in the organization can involve a large part of your real life as you are crafting, constructing armor, weapons, and gear, and gathering and practicing with others. Every group is a little different, but they are mostly forums for learning rather than a series of games played for escapist reasons.

Generally when you see the same people outside of the context of an event, you're still polite and friendly and you interact with them in ways that are more befitting the real world, but your boundaries are probably less rigid than with your non SCA friends. You may give more hugs, you may smile more, give more eye contact, and project more traditional flirting body language as a way to express that unique relationship you've built in a more subtle way. These people are usually your friends, mentors, and colleagues. Sure you might be being polite in some cases, but most of the time you're expressing real feelings towards these people, and there's no reason to change that if all parties are willing participants.

BTW I do understand roleplaying, I did it for most of my young life. But taking the roleplaying, and applying it and the rules of that to a relationship in real life would seem very strange to me.

Like a good novel, good roleplaying reflects on real emotions and experiences, and your real life should be enhanced from these explorations. Roleplaying at its best can be powerful and moving in ways that are not false, and should not be cheapened by the fact that the experiences take place in the context of a game.

The point is the connection with other people, the feelings of success and loss that a group that works together experiences over time. We learn things about ourselves and those we play with, even though we may not be playing ourselves. We are still playing aspects of ourselves, and if you are observant you can pick up on things that are more clear when distilled down through the lens of a created character.

Taking that mindset away from the table or the computer and applying it to people who are walking around, and the effects are amplified and much more personal.

As an example, in the online world most people create a persona. I purposely avoid this and check and double check my posts to ensure it is me coming across. I would hate to meet people and then be told I am not who they thought I was. The falseness of being online takes away from the reality.

I see your point. It seems very important to you to be heard, and to not be misunderstood or misrepresented.

Let me see if I can paint the ideas of personas in a different light for you, one that does not involve falseness.

It can be argued that in most situations people create personas. Are you the same person at home alone with your SO that you are at breakfast with your mother? My guess is that you would argue that you ARE the same, and you strive to always be yourself.

Let me put it another way. Do you eat the same when you're scarfing McDonald's in your car as when you're sitting down to dinner in a fancy restaurant? I use eating as a metaphor here because it is not only a base need, but it is also a social skill that we learn, and can apply differently based on our situations. Deciding exactly how polite you should be eating is the persona of your need to eat, which is a reflection of your true self.

In that light, I think you might agree that you would act differently with your SO and with your mother, but you would still be the same person. It's not so much that there is a falseness in the way you are acting to either person, it is simply that certain aspects of your personality are called forth as the situation is appropriate.

Maybe I am just looking at it from the glass is half empty in this case. But I am curious how this environment induced confidence translates into real world relationships :)

I'm not entirely clear on what you're asking here. By environment induced confidence, do you mean the expectation to flirt? And by real world relationships you mean a transition to poly from a mono relationship?

The game of courtly love is simply a vehicle for acclimating people to flirting again. Being in an atmosphere that encourages people to share their appreciation for other people rather than having to hide it as something inappropriate because the target is married is the key here. That's a huge wedge in the door of monogamy, I think. Not many marriages have an open license to flirt, because flirting can go so many other places.

The real danger of courtly love is when A and B are married, B and C have been flirting, and suddenly B and C realize that they've become emotionally entangled. At this point it can go a couple of ways, depending on the maturity and intent of the participants, just like any real world relationship. Because, you know, these are real people, not fake people. The big difference here is that A usually is very aware that B and C have been flirting and has been okay with it, and has already talked with B and possibly even C about what the boundaries and expectations are. It's the additional communication and the little bit of "public poly practice" that courtly love brings to the table that really changes things.

Don't get me wrong... things can and do crash and burn in the SCA too. Plus, homebrewed beer and homemade weapons make for some really interesting altercations. :D

How does this "play" translate into real life? Well, it's like booing a villain in a play where audience participation is encouraged... you wouldn't boo your boss when he entered the boardroom, even though you may feel he's a much more real villain than the costumed one. But after seeing the play and venting your feelings about the pretend villain, you think or talk about it and you might decide that you can no longer live with the villainy of your boss, and so you find a new job. You wouldn't have thought to question your existence if you did not see the play and get the release of booing, but because you did it allowed you to think of your life in a different light and you are much happier.
 
Last edited:
Top