Poly+Marriage+Divorce

Cardinal

New member
My wife and I's period of withdrawal into closed borders has resulted in what some may consider a strange outcome. I am poly, my wife is poly, we are atheists. We were mono when we got married.

We no longer believe in the legal and religious institutions of marriage.

To clarify we still believe in long term primary partnerships but we have come to view it as just another set of unneeded rules. We are considering divorce, and I understand this is a very legal question but surely someone here has some insight.

What happens now? Would a judge even allow a mutual uncontested divorce? Would we get in trouble with tax law?

We aren't going to announce it, just a very quiet open and shut and we will never mention it to family or friends.
 
Would a judge even allow a mutual uncontested divorce? Would we get in trouble with tax law?


Assuming that you are in the US:

What judge would not allow a mutual uncontested divorce? These happen all of the time. There's no need for bitter disputes when it comes to making the decision to divorce. Any court will grant a divorce if the couple wants to divorce and you don't need to go to court to prove how crappy the other person is. Those days are long over. Your question is perhaps "Do we need to state a reason to divorce?" and yes, you will need to state an official reason to divorce, but there are many generic, non-threatening legal reasons now. One of you will have to "sue" the other for divorce as a matter of legal procedure, but it all can be handled by a shared attorney or a mediator who understands that you're both in agreement and compliance. I am presently engaged in a mutual uncontested divorce in New York State and it's going smoothly - and economically.

Do not even begin to mess with the IRS. After your divorce is final, you will be filing separate returns. Until it's final, you may continue to file jointly. None of your friends will know about your tax filing status, but the IRS sure needs to know.
 
Hi Cardinal,

I don't think you'll have much problem getting a quiet, amicable divorce. You might then cross paths with some law about adultery or fornication if the two of you still cohabitate, but it would be an old, odd law that is generally not enforced.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Not exactly the same circumstances, but SlowPoly & her husband divorced while continuing their relationship.

Similar enough that it sounds very familiar! It shouldn’t be too hard to get unmarried, though you may legally have to attest to living apart or other proofs of separation. It’ll cost an attorney’s help, but it was worth it for us. The scariest part was realizing the judge could recommend some alternate future for our kids, if they could justify it. But we did our best to convince them that was unnecessary, which worked.

Good luck!
 
So.. We are kind of crushed. We were told unequivocally that we had to live apart for 18 months, have to take it to court, and had to both have our own lawyers. I assumed the last one but being forced to actually separate seems a high price to pay. Being married isn't who we are anymore and we aren't sure where to go from here.
 
I feel like we've gotten so adapted to no-fault divorce that we overlook how damned difficult it was to get divorced just a few decades ago. Though the "fault" requiredment has been removed, many of the old assumptions, rules, & procedures remain in place.

Would be nice if there was some sort of no-fault annulment. Annulment is much more of a straightforward contract-law sort of thing: a marriage is declared to have never properly existed. However, qualifying for annulment usually has all sorts of those old marriage rules, specifically fault (like fraud, duress, or mental incapacity).

And once the key problem is revealed to both parties, their continued cohabitation voids recourse to annulment.

Really, really sorry. :(

This ought to be a "heads up" to those who claim to polyamory yet still want to get married for Romantic reasons: the certificate might be small (ours was about 1/3 of a standard sheet of typing paper), but it's actually a VERY long contract with LOTS of fine print.
 
... had to both have our own lawyers.

Are you sure that this is actually the case? Mediation is an increasingly popular and thrifty alternative to separate lawyer$$$ for couples that do all of their own communicating. Unless there is significant acrimony, a couple can choose flat rate mediation now over paying though the nose for two attorneys. Our divorce cost us $2500, which is chump change in that arena. We consulted a few lawyers and "two lawyers" was highly recommended to us, but it's by no means lawfully required. I'm assuming that you're in the US and I have never heard of a state that does not lawfully recognize papers filed via a mediator. Perhaps the mediator needs to be an officer of the court (AKA lawyer) but that doesn't mean you need to hire two divorce attorneys. Many mediators are lawyers that do divorce mediation on the side, so they are familiar with all of the paperwork and can make recommendations and file paperwork, but they do not get involved in squabbling. "Take it to court" can mean simply filing paperwork, which does involve a lawyer, who can be your mediator, but isn't necessarily dramatically standing before a judge, hurling accusations at one another.

Check again into your state's actual laws - don't take a divorce attorney's "strong recommendation" to hire two lawyers.
 
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I agree with FallenAngelina. Shop around.

I don't know what the rules are where you live, or if it could help in your situation but just in case here is another option...over here people I know got divorced while still living together. They used https://www.wevorce.com/


Galagirl
 
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In, the county I live in (in the US), you can file for divorce with no lawyer. Each party can represent themselves provided the settlement is reasonably fair and the parties are fully in agreement.
 
Cardinal, I went back to your intro and didn't see where you live. I have two pretty close friends who both have used mediation (one is in process) to dissolve a marriage.
 
Yah, what they said.

Two complicating factors:
  • children -- too much to go into here.
  • mutually-owned property. In order to "split up," everything owned by the two of you needs to be... well... split up. That might mean selling your house, or maybe assigning 100% to one of you. Some places (like Wisconsin, a nearby community property state :rolleyes:) say that ALL assets AND debts are owned mutually. My friend Julee quit her husband; he racked up $5,000+ in credit-card debt; she spent four years denying she owed 50% of that just because they were still technically married.
 
It seems most of this is the result of conservative South. My lawyer handled my last custody case, allowed me to employ unconventional methods in court and we had resounding success. The thing is no one wants to divide anything, sell cars or houses, remove kids from home, or actually end our status as primaries.

There is no animosity here at all and everywhere we go but my lawyer wants to make this a money making cash cow. Mediation is a no go because our county actually doesn't allow it or guardian ad litems. My lawyer also reported the new circuit court judge is forcing some people to go get married, go to jail or leave the state. His methods are legal, but ethically they raise some questions. So I was told to expect divorce to a be a shit-show...

On a side note, we have stopped dating for now since we are already both partnered only with each other, I guess you could call it broken spirits of sorts.

Someone said it perfectly. Let this be a lesson to those who want to get married, esp if you started out poly. Undoing this could be the biggest challenge of our lives.
 
I don't know how feasible it is, but there's lots of 49 besides that one.
 
What's 49?

49 other states, I think. Moving is drastic, but maybe fits with other plans sometime in the future?

I seem to recall that one possibility was taking an extended vacation to a state which requires a short residency before its courts can have jurisdiction in an uncomplicated divorce. But I think the shortest are still a month. Nevada, maybe? I’m assuming no children with the current wife? Because that would mean the state where the kids have had six months’ residence is where the custody proceedings need to happen. All of this is If I Recall Correctly.
 
Some states treat property AND debt as co-owned. My friend left her husband, he went on to rack up $5,000+ in credit-card debt, then he submitted that she owed half because their divorce wasn't yet final; it took her four years to get shut of that.

Depending on your jurisdiction, splitting property 50/50 may not be required, so long as you have a binding agreement about who will get what, & how outstanding debt will be handled.

I'm remembering the "Nevada divorce" thing too. Apparently, one spouse can move to Nevada, live there six months, then as an established resident apply for divorce under their simpler laws. There's a LegalZoom article, How to Get a Divorce Out of State that mentions this.
 
I'm remembering the "Nevada divorce" thing too. Apparently, one spouse can move to Nevada, live there six months, then as an established resident apply for divorce under their simpler laws.

I believe that it's six weeks. :)
After residency is established, the divorce will be granted in 1-3 weeks if both parties agree to "incompatibility."
 
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