Poly/mono advice wanted: about not feeling "enough"

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OnceAndFuture

Member
I really am in need of some advice.

I am the poly half of a poly/mono relationship. My wife, The Signal, has had a lot of concerns over the course of our marriage in feeling that she does not deserve to be in a relationship with me (or with anyone else). This has led to her feeling that she is not "enough" for me, and that I will leave her because she thinks that I will find someone else who is "enough". I think you can define what "enough" is in a lot of ways, but in her case I'm certain that she means "I am not enough for you emotionally or romantically." When I started identifying as poly about four months ago, it seemed to be confirmation to her that she was not enough for me and that I "needed" more partners.

For those of you on the poly side of a poly/mono relationship: how did you handle your partner's concern about not being enough for you, if that was an issue? For those of you on the mono side, how do you handle concerns about not feeling like you are enough for your partner?
 
Mono side here...

Time and experience was one way for me to at least be better able to manage the "OMG, you'll find someone else, take time away from us, and we'll drift apart!" feelings. I struggled with the idea of new dating partners being "game-changers" and changing the parameters of our relationship enough for me to need to break it off (Chops splits his time 50/50 between me and his other nesting partner, Xena - I cannot sustain a relationship on less, and would "break up" if it came to that). We went through a lot of repeated conversations, and "what-ifs", but nothing worked for me as well as seeing it in action: seeing him not spend much time with his other dating partners on our nights together, seeing him trying to avoid impacting our time together at all, and seeing him coming back to me time and time again despite the *work* it took for us to get here. It shows me that he does find me a priority.

That said, changes (or potential changes) will trigger this insecurity in me. Last winter, Chops made repeated comments about hating the snow, quitting his job (which sucks) and moving to someplace warmer. I know Xena would find it easy to move. I would not. I found that extremely disconcerting - would he just up and move and "bye, YAH - I'll miss you, but come out when you can!", or would this involve a discussion with everyone affected?

It may seem like common sense - that you care so much about your partner that OF COURSE you'd consider them in decisions like this... OF COURSE they're important to you. However, from my POV, I see Chops' Poly nature as something that is a necessary freedom to him at this point, and I don't know where that line is drawn... where his freedom becomes more important than our relationship, and I had no idea if moving to Arizona to escape New England winters would be a manifestation of that.

I've since been reassured that yes, any such decision would involve everyone affected, but I'm sure there'll be something new that kicks off the insecurity again at some point.

So... long story short (too late!), time and experience help, but sometimes it's just something that has to be managed over and over again.

I don't know if it's quite the same as the "I'm not enough" feeling. I think it's just more of an uncertainty - if our relationship doesn't fit the standard mono narrative and ruleset, then I have no "plan" to count on. It may not fit in your situation.

I actually get why Chops is close to multiple people - he's got a big heart. That's part of why I fell for him in the first place, so that's not a surprise/issue for me as much as the mechanics / uncertainty of it all.

But now I'm rambling and probably not helping much. :) Hope it helps a little, though.
 
We are poly/poly, and we both still have fleeting insecurities. Not always the same. Yesterday I realized that hubby's GF offers him things that I cannot and want to. I felt that I was "not enough".. but the thing is. ..that's OKAY ! I know if we never discovered polyamory I still couldn't offer him those things, we'd still love each other forever and that insecurity would still come and go. Everyone loves differently and there's beauty in that♡ it's ok if someone loves my husband differently than I do. In fact, I expect it. Im unique and special. If everyone only offered what I do, that would make me less special♡
 
nycindie said:
Turn the tables. Ask her if she got involved with The Star because you were not enough for her. See what she says.
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I've been thinking about this since I saw your post. This is a good point. I've asked her similar questions in the past and I'm not sure I ever got a clear answer. This is something we need to talk about.
 
This issue has very little to do with poly/mono and everything to do with her self esteem.

I'm fairly sure of it because I feel the same way, but I can prove it to you because her feeling like she doesn't deserve you and isn't enough predates your admission of poly, right? It wasn't you saying you wanted to be with other people that caused her to feel like she wasn't enough. She thought that about herself already. You wanting poly is a coincidence.

When I'm thinking of any relationship besides my own it is very easy for me to see that monogamy doesn't provide ANY security that you won't lose a partner to someone else. In fact polyamory would actually increase the chances that if they did find someone else, they would also stay with you. I think it is unlikely you will convince The Signal of that logic. She seems to think the best hope she has of keeping you is forbidding exposure to people she deems as being the biggest potential threat of stealing you and limiting your exposure to other people as much as possible. Sadly, it is impossible for that strategy to provide the security she craves unless she locks you in the house indefinitely. Even if you had never had a poly thought in your life you could meet someone "better" in line at the grocery store or at your place of work.

The only thing that can make her less afraid of not being enough is her deciding that she IS enough. It has nothing to do with you and there isn't anything you can do.

I can tell you things I like. I like hearing my boyfriend say I deserve him over and over again but it doesn't ever change my beliefs about myself and sometimes I just get angry that he isn't listening to what I think are legitimate reasons why I'm awful. A few nights ago I told him I was afraid of losing him. He told me he wasn't going anywhere and then I said "Yeah until you get sick of me being afraid of losing you." We've been together for almost 9 years. When I write it down I see how ridiculous it is. It's only just now barely starting to get through to me that he's chosen to stay with me every day for 9 years. He's had other relationships and didn't leave me. I have 9 years of proof and it still isn't enough. I had to start by believing it is my issue that comes from inside myself and only I can make it better. Any time I let external factors distract me it sets me back.

He helps by telling me he accepts me and wants to support me. It helps when he encourages me to talk about how I feel and just listens and I feel heard (rather than the way I feel dismissed when he says "but you ARE enough, you ARE good for me, etc.) It helps when he doesn't take responsibility or blame for how I feel or try to fix it. It helps when he doesn't try to cheer me up or ask me to stop crying. It helps me when he tells me how he feels and what he needs and wants instead of tiptoeing around trying to avoid upsetting me. I still think that stuff is WAY more than I deserve but it's his choice and I can't take responsibility for that either.

I'm not saying this means she should accept poly, I'm saying that's a whole separate issue than why she feels like she isn't enough.
 
I've always hated the idea of someone being "enough" for another person, because it seems to imply that there is some basic amount of love we need, and we're greedy if we want more than that baseline allowance.

One romantic relationship is probably "enough" for most people, whether they identify as poly or mono. But why can't we have *more* than enough? Why can't we have all the love and closeness and romance and passion that we can find? Why are we supposed to say, "no thanks, I already have my ration of love, I don't need any more"???

Personally, I can be 100% satisfied with my relationships, but still curious about what *other* opportunities are out there in the world. I don't grow close to people besides my husband because he is lacking somehow. I do it because there are so many amazing, interesting, loveable people in the world! It seems a shame to turn down chances for more love and joy, simply because you already have "enough".

kkxvlv said:
This issue has very little to do with poly/mono and everything to do with her self esteem.

...

I'm not saying this means she should accept poly, I'm saying that's a whole separate issue than why she feels like she isn't enough.
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Also, +1 to this.
 
Greedy?

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I've always hated the idea of someone being "enough" for another person, because it seems to imply that there is some basic amount of love we need, and we're greedy if we want more than that baseline allowance.
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I've often heard the comment that I'm "greedy" (when talking to non-poly people) and that one person should be enough.

Why is having two soul mates a bad thing? :) An embarrassment of riches?

PS. Let me say that I don't actually believe in "soul mates" (that there is one person out there in the world who is your perfect match) but the people to whom I was talking did. The idea of having two "soul mates" flummoxed them for at least a few seconds.
 
kkxvlv said:
This issue has very little to do with poly/mono and everything to do with her self esteem......monogamy doesn't provide ANY security that you won't lose a partner to someone else. ......Even if you had never had a poly thought in your life you could meet someone "better" in line at the grocery store or at your place of work. .....The only thing that can make her less afraid of not being enough is her deciding that she IS enough. It has nothing to do with you and there isn't anything you can do.
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~ This This This This ~

From a lifetime of "not feeling enough" and terrified that people will leave me (and having successfully turned that around,) I tell you in all sincerity that there is nothing one person can do to take away the deep, long term insecurities of another. Your attempts to heal her do not work and really just rob her of the opportunity to do her own work. You can explain all you want and use any logic you choose, but anything you say will be a temporary fix. True and lasting self esteem comes from one place only - within the person herself.

As has been pointed out in the above quote, this has nothing to do with poly - she just latches on to "poly" to give her evidence of her not-enoughness. Mono people do this all the time, too ("you talk about your ex too much," "you love that dog more than you love me," etc.) and this is not anything that you can solve. You certainly can be a loving presence, but you will never save her from herself. Only she can improve her self perception and as she does, she will see that improvement in her relationships, all of them, no matter what type.
 
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My partner and I choose to live monogamously for a variety of reasons.

The question of being enough for each other is irrelevant to our relationship. Neither of us is enough for the other. We both have friends we are close to, both meet new people, have crushes, have people in our lives that we share things with that we don't share with each other. Of course we are not enough for each other. Humans are social creatures and closeness with each other is something that most of us want.
 
kkxvlv said:
This issue has very little to do with poly/mono and everything to do with her self esteem.

I'm fairly sure of it because I feel the same way, but I can prove it to you because her feeling like she doesn't deserve you and isn't enough predates your admission of poly, right? It wasn't you saying you wanted to be with other people that caused her to feel like she wasn't enough. She thought that about herself already. You wanting poly is a coincidence.
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I do agree to some extent. I think my starting to identify as poly did increase her feelings of not being enough--she has started talking about it more over the last four months. When our previous poly relationship ended, she said she took comfort in the fact that I didn't suggest we start another one, and now she says that comfort is gone. But those feelings have always been there in the background.

When I'm thinking of any relationship besides my own it is very easy for me to see that monogamy doesn't provide ANY security that you won't lose a partner to someone else. In fact polyamory would actually increase the chances that if they did find someone else, they would also stay with you. I think it is unlikely you will convince The Signal of that logic.
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I suppose I'm keenly aware of that, as my first marriage ended when my ex had an affair with then left me for someone in her church group (but her group was supposed to be so good and so moral :rolleyes:)

In the past I've tried to say, well, you know The Star tried to pull me away from you, and you know that was her intent, and you know how hard she tried to tempt me to do that, and where am I now? I can say anything, but I hoped that my action would be more important. I agree that I don't think I've convinced her of that logic either.

The only thing that can make her less afraid of not being enough is her deciding that she IS enough. It has nothing to do with you and there isn't anything you can do.
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I guess after 12 years I've started to come to that conclusion, in that nothing I've said or done has helped. I suppose that it's a bitter pill to swallow in that this was something she and I struggled with a lot during the first year of our marriage, and all these years later we are still struggling. The only real difference I've seen is that now she's not talking about it as often--she still doesn't ever feel like she's deserving of me or "enough", she's just grown to hide it more.

It's hard when you love someone and know they're hurting to be able to accept there's nothing you can do about it, especially when you do sometimes feel partly to blame. That's something I have to learn to deal with.


I'm not saying this means she should accept poly, I'm saying that's a whole separate issue than why she feels like she isn't enough.
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I am starting to see this point. Thank you for your thoughts, I do appreciate them.
 
Hi There

I'm more on the mono side and This is all very new to me as well. Initially my partner and I broke up when he discovered he was poly. After a few months we were devastated without each other and began seeing each other again. I am definitely more monogamous minded and if he came to me tomorrow and said I want to be monogamous again, I'd jump at it if I thought he could be happy.

I am dating and being intimate with other people. We both think it's important for things to not feel one sided. However I have yet to feel more than "Friendship" with someone else, while he's had several crushes.

I think It's very important to be patient with her and remind her to be patient with herself. Getting used to this is not an overnight thing for a monogamous person. It takes slowly getting used to each new thing at a time. For me it started with hearing about his other lovers, then actually seeing him kiss someone else, Then a threesome, now I'm faced with meeting his newest lover in a setting where we will all be together but they will be leaving together. I'm not sure I'm ready for this but what's happening is happening. Try not to push too much on her too fast and make her feel as secure as you possibly can. For example, if I'm around when he kisses someone else he pulls me in and kisses me, he'll often kiss me first. If she isn't seeking out other relationships she probably should. It's not easy for us, but I know if I didn't at least cultivate some new friends with benefits, It would feel very one sided. I can understand the excitement of kissing someone new or sleeping with someone with whom you have amazing chemistry with.....yes I'd still give it all up in a heartbeat to be monogamous again, but it has helped.

What has helped me a lot is asking myself why I want monogamy. My answers came up as not wanting to deal with Jealousy, insecurity, envy or it's just traditionally the way a relationship is supposed to be.. When I examined All of that I realized that none of those emotions are healthy for me or our relationship. I'm now able to recognize why it hurts if I see him kiss someone else. I'm afraid he'll leave me or someone else is more exciting. I'm jealousy that someone is kissing "My" guy when in reality no one person can own another ETC. I think she needs to look at herself and examine why this is hard on her while you need to recognize that it IS hard on her. If she worries that she is not enough, that sounds like insecurity. No one person should be everything for another. There is no connection like true love and that doesn't come along often, I try to see his other partners as "Friends". He has several other friends the only difference is that he's intimate and romantic with these particular friends. It's still not easy on me but I'm learning to look at myself and look at him for who we are rather than who our fears tell us we are. This isn't an easy process for me either. He has always been such a gift to me, a treasure and no one has compared. Having to share him is the hardest things I've ever done in my life but I'm getting there and our relationship has become the healthiest it's ever been. If she needs to talk to someone who's also more on the mono side, and very new at being poly, I'll be happy to chat with her. finding some good poly friends has helped me a lot.
 
My wife, The Signal, has had a lot of concerns over the course of our marriage in feeling that she does not deserve to be in a relationship with me (or with anyone else). This has led to her feeling that she is not "enough" for me, and that I will leave her because she thinks that I will find someone else who is "enough". I think you can define what "enough" is in a lot of ways, but in her case I'm certain that she means "I am not enough for you emotionally or romantically." When I started identifying as poly about four months ago, it seemed to be confirmation to her that she was not enough for me and that I "needed" more partners.
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I see this as two things. There could be other layers to it but I see at least these:

1) She doesn't like herself much and does not think she "deserves" to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. She doesn't like herself and doesn't see why anyone would like her either.

That's her own unhealthy thinking process there, and nothing you can do can change that. Only she can do the work to change core beliefs.

I don't even know if she wants to change her thinking and move past this or not. Maybe work with a counselor.

Sometimes people stick with old familiar thinking patterns not because they are comfortable or healthy but because they are familiar. And better the familiar yuck than strange new things even if the new things might be better.

2) She agrees to poly even though she isn't into it. Why? Because to her it is better to poly with you even if she dislikes it that to be alone? :confused: So then there's this fear during poly with you that she will be left by the wayside if a "better" partner comes along? She's not contributing enough to the relationship for you to want to keep being in relationship with her?

I don't know if anything here helps with that:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

3) In the sense that if you are poly and want more than one partner? And she cannot magically change herself to be two people at the same time? NO. She is not enough. She is one person. Limit of the Universe. She cannot turn herself into TWO people. Does that mean she is not special to you? NO. She is unique and special to you.

You want to be with her. And you hope that THAT is enough for her.

If it isn't? Then I don't know if continuing to poly is healthy for either of you. :(

You can't be living your life trying to prop her up like you filling the bottomless hole of need. Because she doesn't know how to validate herself so she can fill up her own bucket. AND she also talks down about herself to herself -- draining her own bucket. :(

It's hard to feel proud of yourself and hold yourself in high esteem when you choose to do self damaging behavior like that to yourself. It's not treating oneself with self respect. The only way I know to increase self esteem is to taker personal responsibility. Start doing more self respecting behaviors. Stop doing self damaging behavior. Then one can feel proud of oneself for doing that self care.

It's hard when you love someone and know they're hurting to be able to accept there's nothing you can do about it, especially when you do sometimes feel partly to blame.
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How are you to blame? For what? Do you mean you see her suffering in a polyship? But you don't break up with her so she can be free of poly? Something else?

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl, you do raise very good questions. And I wish I had good answers for them. I wish I could answer even one of the questions with "yes, she definitely feels this way" or "no, that's not how she feels about herself (or me, or relationships, or poly, or anything)". After talking to her last night I feel like I understand even less.

The main takeaway I got from our conversation was simply this: she knows she has self-esteem issues, but she's not particularly interested in doing anything about them. She didn't feel like she deserved me before we started dating The Star, she didn't feel like it after I chose her over The Star, she didn't feel like it before I identified as poly, and she sure as hell doesn't feel like it now. I asked her if she felt like I loved her, and her answer was "sometimes". She recognizes that there's nothing more I can do to make her feel loved, and that it's something she has to work on. She just doesn't feel like actually working on it.

She says that "by definition" she'll never feel like "enough" knowing now that I'm poly. She doesn't blame me for it, just that "it's obvious you need to be with someone else" and this is "the proof" she's been looking for that for a long time. She appreciates that I'm willing to wait until she is "110% ready" for me to be with someone else. Which I am.

But at the same time I can't help but selfishly (maybe that is not the right word) feel like I'd really like to have a relationship with someone who does feel they're deserving and accept that I love them. I haven't stopped loving her for 12 years, and I remind her that. At what point can I say, I have loved you every day for 12 years, I have continued to support you through everything that happened between us, and in the final reckoning that love and support really hasn't meant much because you still feel just as unloved, unsupported, and undeserving as you did 12 years ago. I can't fill that bottomless hole of need--as it does often feel like--because there's no amount of love and support I can provide that would change anything.

If this had been the first time we'd discussed polyamory and we'd never been through our relationship with The Star, I guess I would understand better. But the fact is we did go through that, she admits that she was OK with me being with The Star during that time, and I did choose to stay with her (admittedly I could never have seen myself staying with The Star for many reasons) and our marriage came out the other side actually stronger. I think you are right that feeling like she is "not enough" is a comforting thought for her. It's a thought pattern that allows her to explain away things that don't make sense to me ("well it's OK I let The Star think I was attracted to her when I wasn't, because the fact she didn't demonstrate what I thought was sufficient attraction to me triggered my 'not feeling enough' for anyone"). Or it supports her narrative of "no guy has ever really been attracted to me" when she's been with me for 12 years, was with her ex for 7, and dated a number of men in between.

So I don't know where to go forward from here. I felt we did clear the air, but of course that doesn't always mean that when the air is cleared everyone is happy with what is left behind.
 
Let me repeat that back in my own words so I know I got it right, ok? You correct me if I'm wrong.

  • She knows she has self-esteem issues
    • She knows there is nothing you can do to change those issues.
      • You offer to postpone dating... hoping she's inspired by this gesture to get on with getting her issues resolved.
      • She accepts this offer, even though there is NOTHING you do that will change her issues.
    • She knows she has to do the work to change those issues.
      • She's not interested in changing them.

So basically she's fine how she is with her issues. She won't change anything. But hey, if you want to give her stuff, she'll take it.

The one with the problem is YOU. This is internal conflict for you.

  • You want to move forward with dating a new person, with her on board and with issues resolved. (I grey it out, because she's not interested in solving her issues. And that is something only she can control. You cannot solve her issues FOR her. )
  • You want to move forward and date someone without issues. Without her on board/without her issues resolved.

I'm sorry. The only thing I can think to tell you is to become more willing to go ahead and move forward without her/without her issues resolved.

Stop postponing your own life. :(

I dated a guy who had issues. I loved him a lot, but he didn't feel deserving of my love and always worried that someone "better" would come "take me away." I was happy to be there, but he was always so busy and vigilant looking out there somewhere that he wasn't looking HERE and paying ME any attention and cultivating the relationship. I went from upset, to angry, to bored, to done. I left.

I was sad to leave, but I had to accept that he didn't want to work on his issues, and his issues were an obstacle to our having a healthy relationship. I did not want a patient relationship. I wanted a healthy 2 way street relationship. I wasn't going to get it there with that partner. So I left, I felt sad, and over time I moved on and felt happy again. We tried to be friends after, but over time drifted apart. Not my doing -- his. He was that deep in his blasé/depressed/funk thing.

One-way relationships are not healthy.

To me the only acceptable one-way relationships are temporary. Specifically:

  • infant + caregiver/parent. The infant grows up, and becomes a 2-way street relater. So the period of time where the caregiver/parent is in a one way relationship in service to this baby is short lived.
  • Sick person + caregiver. The sick person gets better, the illness is no more. It returns to being a 2-way street relationship. The one-way relationships while the person is sick is short lived.
  • Sick person + caregiver. The sick person is dying and ultimately dies. The person is no more. It does not go back to being a 2-way street thing, but the 1-way street thing does end. The caregiver mourns and moves on.

If you have already clocked 12 years in a 1-way street thing?

And she's telling you that she's NOT going to work on her issues? You could BELIEVE her, and consider this offer she's presenting you:

  • It looks like 10, 20, 30 more years of you servicing the "black hole of need" with no end in sight. Basically more of same.

If this offer is not a tasty sounding offer to you?

You could respectfully decline, end it, and move on and seek a different offer with a different partner.

It's sad and hard to feel, but the actions seem pretty straight up. You could let go of the rope.


She deals with her life and you deal with yours. If you are postponing living yours? It is you that is doing the postponing. You could stop.
Galagirl
 
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This is The Signal's way of feeling in control of you, her life, etc. She gets to wield her state of upset and lack of esteem as a way to stave off things (behaviors, pursuits, etc.) that make her uncomfortable so she doesn't have to look inside and deal with her patterns of being. Manipulating your actions with the threat of her unhappiness is a defense mechanism, that's all.

There isn't anything you can do to change that because it is totally an inside job and up to her to stop seeing things the way she does - and of course she doesn't want to work on it because she can keep you where she wants you that way. There is an awful lot that seems disingenuous about what she tells you - can you see that? This is a stance she's taking, remember that. She is making a choice.

But yeah, I can see how you feel unappreciated and like loving her all this time has meant nothing. At some point, if she keeps on choosing to hide behind her insecurities, even if they are no longer genuine or serving her, you have to ask yourself if you are still willing to be at her mercy and to keep putting up with it.
 
OnceAndFuture said:
But at the same time I can't help but selfishly (maybe that is not the right word) feel like I'd really like to have a relationship with someone who does feel they're deserving and accept that I love them. I haven't stopped loving her for 12 years, and I remind her that. At what point can I say, I have loved you every day for 12 years, I have continued to support you through everything that happened between us, and in the final reckoning that love and support really hasn't meant much because you still feel just as unloved, unsupported, and undeserving as you did 12 years ago. I can't fill that bottomless hole of need--as it does often feel like--because there's no amount of love and support I can provide that would change anything.
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Oh, I soooo know this feeling.

When Andy is depressed, he feels unlovable and undeserving - of me, of his friends, of anything good in life. For the first few years of our life together, I spent most winters (seasonal depressions) trying to reassure him that I loved him. I told him how wonderful he was, how happy he made me, how much I needed him... I literally spent hours describing all of his great qualities and all of the ways we all love him. It didn't help. At all.

I finally got miserable enough to tell him flat out that his "no one could love me" attitude was hurting me, and hurting our relationship. Being able to show love and have that love be accepted is important to me. Being able to express love and see that it has gotten through is important to me.

It was a real wake up call for him to realize that his feeling unloveable made me feel inadequate and unhappy. He started therapy. He started meds (although we still haven't ever found one that worked without crappy side effects :() He still gets depressed. He still feels undeserving sometimes. But he works to accept the love I give. I can say "you know I love you" and he says "yes I do".

In a weird way, non monogamy has helped a lot. He no longer has any worries that I'm staying with him out of inertia or a lack of other options. He sees me date others - awesome others, who make me super happy - and STILL come home to him. He sees me choose him, as my anchor, my life partner - over and over, every day.

It's not selfish to want to your love to be felt by your partners. I think giving love, and feeling that your love matters, is just as much a basic need as receiving love.
 
GalaGirl and nycindie, I do respect both of you and your advice very much. And I am in agreement with what you say, and that does hurt, because I know The Signal and I do love each other and have for a long time. If The Signal and I were having long, drawn-out fights (like we were a couple of months ago), of course decisions would be easier to make. Instead we are talking every day, holding each other a lot, spending passionate times together. It's obvious she has a lot of love for me and I know that. It's just that she doesn't recognize the same about my love.

I should clarify that I'm not in any way ready to date again, not after the recent incident, but more that I'm not ready to put myself through that again. I know I'll be ready before The Signal is ready--and that she might never be ready.

Claire's post does give me some hope. Part of the reason I feel I could be ready to be in another relationship is that I fervently believe that love is transformative and has a positive effect on those within the relationship. I've been transformed by the women who have loved me, and, without her realizing it, I've changed The Signal too. Sometimes she catches herself being confident and accepting. That does help sustain me through the bad times, that there is the possibility that something will be different.

Things had come to a point over the weekend. I was massaging The Signal's legs, which I've come to be very attracted to of late, and started fooling around a bit with her. She was suspicious of my intentions at first because I seemed "a bit too happy and aroused" (I know why she is suspicious now :( ) but after a while she reciprocated and we had a nice little afternoon rendezvous. She was genuinely grateful and talked a lot about how she did feel loved when I showed her physical affection. I felt very optimistic. Then Tuesday night she went right back to "I'll never feel like enough and I don't even feel you love me a lot of the time," which I talked about in my last post.

Last night I talked with her about the same issues Claire said she had discussed with Andy--that her feelings of not being enough and being undeserving could be damaging to our marriage. It was hard to do that, but she did see my point. She was kind of ambivalent. She can see it's a problem, but I wasn't sure she was feeling like she wanted to do anything about it. She asked me how I thought she could feel deserving, and I tried to talk about how I came to feel that way about her, but it does seem that the whole concept of "feeling deserving" is foreign to her. It's as if she doesn't have the language to talk about it. Sometimes during times like this I realize that words aren't sufficient to speak to her, and then we resort to her "love language" of physical affection (happily, "giving physical affection" is my language). Afterwards she did say that she knew she needed to work on things, and thanked me for being patient with her. That did feel positive.

But at the same time I know we've been down this road before. She says she wants to work on things, but she has no plans to talk to a therapist or seek medication or find some other means of self-help, and absent those means her previous attempts haven't changed her worldview. It's nice to hear the words, but at some point I do have to answer GalaGirl's challenge to me that I can't postpone my life any more to support a one-way relationship. Our relationship just feels too peaceful, and perhaps I still feel too much like things are going in the right direction, to want to cut the rope now.

I do want a relationship with someone who feels deserving. Most of all I want that with The Signal. It's hard to accept that I have no control over that.
 
Hey OnceAndFuture,

It sounds to me like what you want to do right now is hang in there with The Signal because of the positives in your relationship with her. If so, then you probably should hang in there with her. If the time comes that the positives go away and your heart isn't in it anymore, you'll know.

You could assign a time limit to that, based on how long you want to live with these problems. A year? ten years? fifty years? or maybe this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. There's nothing wrong with that as far as I'm concerned. Your life, your decision. I'm just here to help and support if I can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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