Poly or not?

RaleighGuy

New member
I found out some time ago that my wife had renewed a relationship with a man from her past- more than twenty years in her past, via the internet and email. Since then, they have begun to talk on the phone occasionally, as well as daily emails. When they knew each other before, they slept together, but he lives too far away for that to happen now, except maybe on rare occasions. She will talk to me about what they say, and she admits that she loves him. He knows that I'm aware of their relationship, but I don't know if he is aware that I support my wife in doing whatever she is comfortable with to strengthen her relationship to "BF". I haven't talked to him, nor have I ever met him, since he was long gone when she and I got married. She's still a little nervous about my involvement, but gradually getting used to it. This has only been going since earlier this year. As I see it, she's polyamorous, and I'm just trying to enjoy her experience. She's not comfortable with that lable, either. Comments, questions, advice?
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
She loves you and him. It is open and honest. I'd say you are experiencing a polyamorous relationship. There is nothing derogatory with the label. Have you considered what would happen if he was closer? Within physical range?
 

RaleighGuy

New member
Well, if he were close by, then I'm pretty sure their relationship would be physical again, and that would be Ok with me, as long as she wasn't away from home too much. You said that I'm in a poly relationship. Does that mean that wife is poly, and I'm mono, as is her other love?
 
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MonoVCPHG

New member
I will probably take a lot of flak over this, but as you are right now, that is how I would define it. I have a similar relationship with Redpepper. She is married and I am her boyfriend. I am monogamous with her and she is polyamorous. It means your wife is definitely capable of a poly relationship and I would call her polyamorous for sure.

For me being polyamorous hinges on the intimate caring. Because she loves both of you in much the same intimate way that is poly to me. I love your approach and understanding. It is rare to have such "compersion" in a monogamous mindset. I feel it towards Redpepper's husband and know it is real. That makes you special and she should recognize the benefit of how you want her to enjoy this relationship. She is special too in that she has the capacity to love in this manner.

I wish you the best of luck.
 

Mark1npt

New member
Ditto what Mono said.......and it's wonderful that you aren't threatened by her love for another man. If she truly is capapble of loving both of you (poly) then it'll be a very rich experience for you, too.
 

RaleighGuy

New member
I didn't get to this point without going through jealousy, and hurt, and anger. There is still some discomfort, too. The fact that she found "him" again, and repaired the damage from all those years ago, without my knowledge, was part of the problem. On the other hand, if she had asked first, that would probably have been a problem, too. There are other problems, too, since his wife may not clearly understand the situation. He and I have never spoken, nor emailed, and whether we should or not is a question my wife and I are considering.
 

River

Active member
Does that mean that wife is poly, and I'm mono, as is her other love?

I have only one lover at the moment, but since I am consciously open and willing to having another lover, besides, that makes me polyamorous. You would be polyamorous if you were also consciously willing and able and to have more than one lover at a time. You needn't even desire this to happen, you only need to be consciously willing and able to love two at a time in order to qualify for club membership .... Okay, I'm kidding. There's no club!
... in order to qualify as poly-.

[I do not use the term "lover" to refer to merely a sexual partner, but to one with whom one is mutually committed in a loving relationship of a "romantic" sort.]

- James (a.k.a., River)
 
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RaleighGuy

New member
I understand- I've been in a situation before, long ago, when I loved two women at the same time. Just hasn't happened (so far) with my wife. I'm not sure how her "other" man feels about his wife, and I don't know if he's aware of the poly community, and of compersion, etc.
 

cjj23464

New member
I'm in a similar situation. My husband met a woman last summer and started a relationship with her. I didn't think our marriage would get through the summer, but with some work it did. Problem, the relationship with her that i thought was over is not. He is in love with her, and says he can't let either of us go. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it all. It's so confusing. So many different emotions. i think he is polyamorous and I'm monogamous.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
i think he is polyamorous and I'm monogamous.


Then perhaps you are..no harm in that LOL! I'm monogamous in a polyamorous relationship and loving Redpepper more and more everyday:) There is nothing wrong with different natures. It's simply about being true to yourself and your needs to be healthy and happy. I know what mine are and communicate to ensure our love flourishes.

Mono/Poly relationships are challenging for sure, don't discount that. It's a matter of the pain/pleasure balance. Hope you flourish in your relationship, Take care.
 

RaleighGuy

New member
Since my wife's "other" man is hundreds of miles away, I've never met him, and don't know him. But I have the feeling that if I did know him, I wouldn't like him at all, and not because of his relationship with my wife. He and I don't have anything much in common, other than our interest in "her", and he is openly contemptuous of things which are not part of his experiences and interests. Just not my kind of guy. He and my wife do share some interests, but I don't know that she would like him if she didn't love him. Trying to help her enjoy her relationship with "him" would be easier if I liked him, I think.
 

Mark1npt

New member
cjj, I can see and feel where your husband is coming from. I am the poly one in our household while my wife and my other woman are both mono. I don't know if you can change how you are, mono vs. poly, just like you can't change gay or straight.....I do know that it presents challenges to have relationships when we are not all equal in mindset, but it can be done and is being done. My wife wanted out of our 25+ year marriage because I was always miserable living and working with her 24/7. Spending a little less time with her, opening up our relationship to a 3rd (a very good long time friend) has made me happier and in many ways her happier. I have no doubt that if all 3 of us were divorced and living alone we'd all 3 be miserable. Maybe we get too tight a strangle hold on our loved ones? I don't know. You don't have to become poly yourself, to exist in a poly life with your husband but you do have to let go a little for it to work. That is tough with jealousies involved, but that's a whole other topic.
 
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Danny40179

New member
RaleighGuy, I say so long as you're comfortable with how things are going, then why bother with labels. Not that there's anything wrong with labels, and as far as they go, then I would agree with Mono as far as your status.

I think it's great that you were able to work through your concerns because you wanted to support your wife in her decision. I think that's so awesome, and so rare for men to do on their own. Kudos to you.
 

Mark1npt

New member
RG, sure your relationship wold be easier if you liked him. Your wife's definition of poly does not fit mine, as I want both women living under the same roof with me. To me, I wouldn't feel right having to drive 100 miles or more to see another women. That to me, would feel like I was going out of town to have an affair. Just my own twisted idea, mind you. Your concept likewise doesn't seem amenable to poly, since you can't stand the guy. He also doesn't seem a good candidate for poly since he is openly contemptuous of the relationship you two share at home. This doesn't seem like any more than an open marriage to me, not poly. But, I've also got to give you credit for trying to make it work.
 

RaleighGuy

New member
Well, they don't see each other, since he's many, many miles away. Half a day, by plane. But she loves him, and he loves her, and they want to continue that love. She's clearly not disliking the things that I dislike, and I suppose there is the chance that I may be wrong, maybe he's really a great guy. (it's possible that he's not the guy she thinks he is, since they haven't seen each for many years) Still, they have this emotional connection, and I'm trying to be supportive and helpful.
 

Mark1npt

New member
Emotional connections from past loves can be very long lasting, RG.....I've been married for 27 years but I still wonder where this one woman from 30 years ago is.....more curious than anything, but I was quite emotionally attched to her, much moreso than her to me. Your wife and this distant guy, seem to have that same attachment but mutually, but as a friend of mine used to say, you never know how it's gonna go until you are sleeping and living under the same roof with that person. Do you foresee that happening?

Is your wife more wanting a life with this guy than you? I would suppose that people transitioning into the poly life have that grass is always greener on the other side look, quite often.

Maybe you would grow to like him, maybe he would you....but I'm not sure like is enough. I think you really truly need to love and respect the other person brought into the relationship for the triad to last any meanigful amount of time. IMO.
 
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RaleighGuy

New member
She says she loves me more than ever, and has no interest in doing anything to break up our marriage. It seems like he's going to continue his marriage, on the other side of the country, and that he and my wife will continue to have this "long distance" relationship, until one/both get tired of it. If he ever came to town for a visit, I think she would go to bed with him. She says she's not sure.
 

Mark1npt

New member
Well, that's a very good start that she loves you more than ever....of course, her ability to lure the other guy across the country and away from his wife is remote at this point, soshe certainly doesn't want to give up the bird in the hand for one she may never have. Does the other guy's wife know and approve of this relationship? If she sleeps with thi other guy, how would you feel? Can you understand her love and feelings for him, as well as hers for you?
 

RaleighGuy

New member
To start with, the "other" wife doesn't know. Not sure if she does now, but I don't think so. Their kids are grown, and out of the house, as are ours. If she slept with the other guy, I would understand that. It would be easier to understand than why she loves him. When I found out about "him", it made me more sensitive to her, and we had some talks that we should have had long ago. And her renewed interest in him has made her happier and more interested in having fun with me, including fun in bed.
 

vampiresscammy

New member
mind if one of the ladies speak up for a bit here fella's?

RG - I first want to say kudos to you for trying, more than anything else that you are simply trying is awesome

to the specifics - what is bothering you most about your current situation? have you told your wife it bothers you? has she responded and tried to make it less bothersome or asked how she can help make it not bother you?

do you yourself have an interest in talking to her other guy? does she want you both to talk? do you feel some obligation to get to know him?

do you yourself have any interest at all in finding yourself someone else while still with your wife? (trying to understand the whole situation and i can't recall if you've mentioned this before or not) if you do want that, would your wife mind?

of everything right at the front of my mind of what you said, you seem to be trying to be supportive and are concerned your not being supportive enough or afraid your wife wants more, I'd simply say be as supportive as you can, don't make yourself uncomfortable or unhappy, and remind her you want things to move as slow or fast as you can handle and she should respect that

as to the other guys wife knowing or not knowing, well in a perfect world and perfect relationship, all involved would know everythign they need to do, we humans are quite often so very far from perfect, and forgive me to any this will offend, but simply put, if the other guy isn't up front or concerned about being up front, then i really fail to see how this could in anyway be your problem, its really on him, so i'd say try not to stress over that since it really is out of your hands

as to what happens when and if they met in person sometime and how physical they are, well, i'd suggest you and your wife sit down, talk this out decide what your okay with and not okay with, and ask her to respect your wishes

again its very wonderful of you to be giving this a chance, I hope she appreciates it, but don't make yourself upset over things you can't do anythign about and don't let yourself be hurt, it should be give and take, tell your wife what is and is not acceptable to you and she should respect that, lots of luck and well wishes to you and yours
 
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