Poly partner's partner doesn't know

Merricat

New member
I am in a poly relationship with a man I love very much. He has one partner who is a wonderful woman and I have no problem WHATSOEVER with, we talk all the time and I think she is great. The problem is that he also has another partner who does not know about me, and who thinks that she is his only love. This drives me CRAZY!

He met her a little bit before he met me, and he didn't tell me about her. I found out by accident, and I was very hurt. He says she is no threat to me, and that he will not dump me for her, but he won't leave her either. He cannot tell her about me because she would dump him.

I am very jealous of her and I don't know how to stop it. Things are great between us when we are together, and he only sees the other girl when I am at work (just the way our schedules happen to work out). So why am I so upset? Is it just fallout from the way he deceived me? Is it because I am afraid she will find out and give him an ultimatum? I am so angry sometimes. I feel like this is tainting our relationship. I sometimes think of breaking up with him, but I can't, I love him. i just don't know what to do.
 

Mark1npt

New member
Deception and cheating hurt.....that's not supposed to be the way of a true poly lover or relationship......he's seeing a mono women who doesn't know? Not good. He needs to be more truthful...for everyone's sake otherwise he's only using people (women) for the benefits.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Sorry to be so blunt but..

Simply put..he has to tell her. By not telling her he is in effect having an affair with everyone else when you look at the premise of exclusivity that he has passively lead her to believe. This will not get any easier on her the longer he waits..it will get worse. I will be so bold as to call this straight out selfish in that he is putting his needs ahead of hers. That is not polyamory. Put yourself in her place and force the issue. She deserves to know.

Take care
 

Merricat

New member
*sigh* I know- he is treating her worse than he is treating me. And he is being selfish. If I straight out told her he would be so mad at me, I'm afraid he would dump me at that point. I know what I have to do. I have to try to convince him to tell her, and if he won't I am afraid I may have to break it off.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I have no doubt you will feel better about it when looking back. Take care and I hope he realises he is not potentially giving anything up, but he is potentially gaining deeper respect and love from maybe both of you.
 

Quath

New member
Polyamory works because it has a high focus on honesty and knowledge of consenting adults. She will find out one day. If he really values that relationship, he should tell her what is going on on.
 

Merricat

New member
Well, I talked with him about it. He is not willing to tell her we are lovers, but he did tell her that we are close friends. He says there is no way she would accept the situation if she knew, and I guess I can live with that. I have asked him to talk about her more, so I can come to understand her as a person with feelings and a part of his life, not the scary, mysterious "other woman". Now he chats with me a little about her, what she is like, little things of interest that happen. It makes it easier, at least for me.

I do believe in poly. Honesty is better than lies. But he is only human. He knew her before he knew me, and he doesn't want to lose either one of us. So it falls to me, as the more openminded one, to deal with the truth, while she lives in a fool's paradise. I hope someday he tells her, but I doubt he will.

Edit: Yes, I know I am a party to this woman's betrayal. I admit my guilt, but I am in love and too weak to give him up.
 
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MonoVCPHG

New member
So it falls to me, as the more openminded one, to deal with the truth, while she lives in a fool's paradise. I hope someday he tells her, but I doubt he will.

Sorry for being so direct but..

I hope he realises how selfish and unfair his actions are to you and her. This is a cowardly act when dealing with someone's heart. Being played for a fool is extremely damaging to one's physycy. In my opinion he doesn't love her and has an end in sight which will relieve him of the responsibility to tell her at all. This saddens me.

You might want to consider what he isn't telling you.
Take care
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
To me it sounds like you and the 3rd girlfriend are being used to boost his ego or whatever. It doesn't sound like you've known him very long and you might cut your losses before you get even more entrenched. It looks to me as thought you are trying to rationalize all this for his benefit. But it's your life...

Oh, and what Mono said about considering what he may be not telling you.
 

Mark1npt

New member
Ygirl and Mono give excellent counsel on this matter. You can't live poly and he can't live poly, if he's cheating on a mono woman and she doesn't know. It's just cheating, and it needs to be corrected. He must come clean. If this guy is this leacherous to do this with you two and think nothing of it, I shudder to think what else he's pulling and who else he's pulling it with. This is where Mono's wisdom comes in.
 

redpepper

New member
Yes, I know I am a party to this woman's betrayal. I admit my guilt, but I am in love and too weak to give him up.

You have the unique opportunity to get his other girlfriend on board with this... if I were in your situation (you and the girlfriend you get along with) I would find it in myself to put all emotions aside and tell him that either he tells her what is going on and accepts the consequences or you will and you won't be sticking around for the fall out.... then if he doesn't, you can tell her in the kindest way possible who you are and that you are unable to stay with him because you feel she is not being treated with the respect she deserves.

Then I would make an escape plan (maybe start making it now?) and wait.

Mono wasn't saying that YOU should tell her, he should do his own dirty work and if he doesn't then I would consider is word crap from then on in.... he has a last chance to put it right and be honorable and show integrity... if he doesn't fess up to all his dirty deeds then he can't be trusted and I for one would not waste my time with that.

good luck and be strong and determined my friend!
 

Quath

New member
This is one of those stories that ends with a big lesson learned. I have seen this story several times over and the big lesson learned is that deceit will result in some major problems.

I understand that you are being the bigger person, but this plan of his is not a long term plan. It is him trying to see how long he can make it last.

If she finds out on her own, she is most likely going to make him choose. Will he choose you or her? Maybe they can work it out so he can still be poly with her, but the odds are not good when she feels betrayed by everyone involved. She could accept him being poly as long as he was with someone who was not part of an affair. There are lots of ways this can go badly.

If she finds out in a more honest, kind approach, she will probably have a similar response because she has been deceived for so long. However, she has a much better chance of accepting polyamory and you from this approach than any other. He should be the one to tell her and introduce you two when she is ready.

Of course, life has many twists and turns so it is hard to say what will happen.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
I don't know the OP and only know what she tell us about her BF, but he sounds like a player to me. I hate to keep it that simple, but the rest is all sugar-coated details IMO.

I bet the sex is fantastic, though.
 

redpepper

New member
I don't know the OP and only know what she tell us about her BF, but he sounds like a player to me. I hate to keep it that simple, but the rest is all sugar-coated details IMO.

I bet the sex is fantastic, though.

what is an OP?
I like your simplicity ygirl. LOL
when I think about the sex part it makes me want to barf I'm afraid.... I find no passionate sexiness in deceit, lying and cheating. I'm not with you on that one.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
OP means "original post(er)".

I just said the thing about sex because when I was younger I stayed in a few unhealthy relationships because the sex was so good and I couldn't imagine being without that.

But now that I am older and less unwise, I do agree with what you just said RP.
 
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