Poly partner's partner doesn't know

M

Merricat

New member
I am in a relationship with a man I love very much, call him Aaron. He has two partners, Merry and Bright. Merry is a wonderful woman. I have no problem whatsoever with her. We talk all the time and I think she is great. The problem is that Bright does not know about me, or Merry. She thinks she is his only love. This drives me crazy!

He met Bright a little bit before he met me, and he didn't tell me about her. I found out by accident, and I was very hurt. He says she is no threat to me, and that he will not dump me for her, but he won't leave her either. He cannot tell Bright about me because she would dump him.

I am very jealous of Bright and I don't know how to stop it. Things are great between me and Aaron when we are together, and he only sees the Bright when I am at work (just the way our schedules happen to work out).

So why am I so upset? Is it just fallout from the way he deceived me? Is it because I am afraid Bright will find out and give him an ultimatum? I am so angry sometimes. I feel like this is tainting our relationship. I sometimes think of breaking up with him, but I can't. I love him. I just don't know what to do.
 
Deception and cheating hurt. That's not supposed to be the way of a true poly lover or relationship. Aaron is seeing a mono women who doesn't know? Not good. He needs to be more truthful, for everyone's sake. Otherwise he's only using people (women) for the benefits.
 
Sorry to be so blunt, but, simply put, Aaron has to tell Bright. By not telling her, he is, in effect, having an affair with everyone else, when you look at the premise of exclusivity that he has passively lead her to believe. This will not get any easier on her the longer he waits. It will get worse. I will be so bold as to call this straight-out selfish, in that he is putting his needs ahead of hers. That is not polyamory. Put yourself in Bright's place and force the issue. She deserves to know.
 
*sigh* I know. He is treating her worse than he is treating me. And he is being selfish. If I straight-out told her, he would be so mad at me, I'm afraid he would dump me at that point. I know what I have to do. I have to try to convince him to tell her, and if he won't, I'm afraid I may have to break it off.
 
I have no doubt you will feel better about it when looking back. I hope he realises he is not potentially giving anything up, but he is potentially gaining deeper respect and love from maybe both of you.
 
Polyamory works because it has a high focus on honesty and knowledge of consenting adults. Bright will find out one day. If Aaron really values that relationship, he should tell her what is going on on.
 
Well, I talked with him about it. He is not willing to tell Bright we are lovers, but he did tell her that we are close friends. He says there is no way she would accept the situation if she knew, and I guess I can live with that. I have asked him to talk about her more, so I can come to understand her as a person with feelings and a part of his life, not the scary, mysterious "other woman." Now he chats with me a little about her, what she is like, little things of interest that happen. It makes it easier, at least for me.

I do believe in poly. Honesty is better than lies. But he is only human. He knew her before he knew me, and he doesn't want to lose either one of us. So it falls to me, as the more openminded one, to deal with the truth, while she lives in a fool's paradise. I hope someday he tells her, but I doubt he will.

Edit: Yes, I know I am a party to this woman's betrayal. I admit my guilt, but I am in love and too weak to give him up.
 
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Merricat said:
So it falls to me, as the more openminded one, to deal with the truth, while she lives in a fool's paradise. I hope someday he tells her, but I doubt he will.
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I'm sorry for being so direct, but I hope Aaron realises how selfish and unfair his actions are to you and Bright. This is a cowardly act when dealing with someone's heart. Being played for a fool is extremely damaging to one's psyche. In my opinion, he doesn't love her, and has an end in sight, which will relieve him of the responsibility to tell her at all. This saddens me.

You might want to consider what he isn't telling you.
 
To me it sounds like you and the 3rd girlfriend are being used to boost his ego or whatever. It doesn't sound like you've known him very long and you might cut your losses before you get even more entrenched. It looks to me as thought you are trying to rationalize all this for his benefit. But it's your life...

Oh, and what Mono said about considering what he may be not telling you.
 
YGirl and Mono give excellent counsel on this matter. You can't live poly, and he can't live poly, if he's cheating on a mono woman and she doesn't know. It's just cheating, and it needs to be corrected. He must come clean. If this guy is treacherous enough to do this with you two and think nothing of it, I shudder to think what else he's pulling and who else he's pulling it with. This is where Mono's wisdom comes in.
 
Merricat said:
I know I am a party to this woman's betrayal. I admit my guilt, but I am in love, and too weak to give him up.
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You have the unique opportunity to get Merry on board with this. If I were in this situation, I would find it in myself to put all emotions aside and tell Aaron that either he tells Bright what is going on, and accepts the consequences, or you will, and you won't be sticking around for the fall-out. Then if he doesn't, you can tell Merry in the kindest way possible who you are, and that you are unable to stay with him because you feel she is not being treated with the respect she deserves.

Then I would make an escape plan (maybe start making it now?) and wait.

Mono wasn't saying that you should tell Bright. Aaron should do his own dirty work. If he doesn't, then I would consider his word crap from then on. He has a last chance to put it right and be honorable and show integrity. If he doesn't 'fess up to all his dirty deeds, then he can't be trusted. I, for one, would not waste my time with that.

Good luck. Be strong and determined, my friend!
 
This is one of those stories that ends with a big lesson learned. I have seen this story several times over, and the big lesson learned is that deceit will result in some major problems.

I understand that you are being the bigger person. Aaron's plan is not based on the long-term. It is him trying to see how long he can make it last.

If Bright finds out on her own, she is most likely going to make him choose. Will he choose you or her? Maybe they can work it out so he can still be poly with her, but the odds are not good when she feels betrayed by everyone involved. She could accept him being poly as long as he was with someone who was not part of an affair. There are lots of ways this can go badly.

If Bright finds out in a more honest, kind approach, she will probably have a similar response, because she has been deceived for so long. However, she has a much better chance of accepting polyamory and you from this approach than any other. Aaron should be the one to tell her, and introduce you two when she is ready.

Of course, life has many twists and turns, so it is hard to say what will happen.
 
I don't know the OP and only know what she tell us about her BF, but he sounds like a player to me. I hate to keep it that simple, but the rest is all sugar-coated details IMO.

I bet the sex is fantastic, though.
 
YGirl said:
I don't know the OP and only know what she tell us about her BF, but he sounds like a player to me. I hate to keep it that simple, but the rest is all sugar-coated details IMO.

I bet the sex is fantastic, though.
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What is an OP?

I like your simplicity, YGirl.

When I think about the sex part it makes me want to barf, I'm afraid. I find no passionate sexiness in deceit, lying and cheating. I'm not with you on that one.
 
OP means "original post(er)".

I just said the thing about sex because when I was younger I stayed in a few unhealthy relationships because the sex was so good and I couldn't imagine being without that.

But now that I am older and less unwise, I do agree with what you just said RP.
 
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