Poly Surprises?

MindfulAgony

New member
My biggest surprise about being poly is the reality that one relationship doesn't "make up" for the others. This hit me after one of my relationships ended abruptly due to things outside my control. I was absolutely devastated and inconsolable.

I had assumed for some reason that the existence of these other deep connections would cushion the blow. Nope. If it did, not by much. The pain I felt was the loss of the UNIQUE connection itself. The depth and number of additional connections could not account for the loss of the one. And so, the pain was as deep and wrenching as it was before Poly.

What has been your biggest Poly surprise?
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I think the biggest surprise for me was how much more comfortable I am with Maca and how much more in love with him I am now.

I knew I loved him. I knew I didn't want to leave. But I don't think I had a clue exactly HOW damaging my attempt at being "mono" was to our relationship.

Being able to be real with him has allowed me to feel more loving and more loved by him. I feel more secure and more confident about myself, less self-conscious....

In fact, I was always worried about the other "hot" women he could be looking at-even though I knew he wouldn't cheat and I knew he loved me. I figured he was here more out of obligation.

Now, I FEEL his love, his attraction to me, his desire... and I feel that way towards him... I feel more free TO allow myself to feel those feelings towards him... almost like before, if I did, I was fostering the "attack" upon my true self...
 

Breathesgirl

New member
I have never thought of myself as pretty or anything, closer to average so finding someone else who thinks I'm pretty was pretty amazing.
 

MindfulAgony

New member
I have never thought of myself as pretty or anything, closer to average so finding someone else who thinks I'm pretty was pretty amazing.

:)
 

redpepper

New member
The biggest surprise for me has been how good I can be at time management, looking after myself in terms of energy levels and how content I can be.

I guess another huge one is that I am not an island. What I do and say affects people in ways I don't even know. I have to be considerate at all times of everyone around me. Something that I have grown to see is of biggest importance in poly after communication in terms of needs and information. Empathy/compassion/consideration.... HUGE!
 

MindfulAgony

New member
I suck at time management. Trying hard to improve on that front. It is important.

Being mindful of the impact that we have on others is a really hard one to keep in mind. It's easy to practice poly as hyper-individualistic freedom. But, it seems that there's is so much you lose without extending your depth of connection across your network. But, if you do, you get to see more closely how your behavior, decisions, etc. ripple across.

Love it guys. Thanks for the insight.

Others?
 

BlackUnicorn

New member
That the heart goes where it wants to, and rolls on the floor laughing its ass off at any of your feeble attempts to 'manage' your lovelife. And that the more open you are to love, the more love comes your way.
 

MindfulAgony

New member
That the heart goes where it wants to, and rolls on the floor laughing its ass off at any of your feeble attempts to 'manage' your lovelife. And that the more open you are to love, the more love comes your way.

Wow! Well said and funny too. I love, love, love it!
 
Wow! Well said and funny too. I love, love, love it!

This. BlackUnicorn, that was a beautifully true post.

Personally, the biggest surprise for me was that MsV was interested in me hah. I mean, there was chemistry between her and MrV for a long time, although none of us ever thought it was that kind of chemistry...
That and finding that I'd rather have people be blunt and upfront than sugary and polite when it comes to telling me how they feel. I thought htat with my current situation (mental health wise) I'd find that sort of naked truth hard to handle...but it helps. I'm more paranoid when people are polite heh.
x.S.x
 

Carma

New member
I've heard the saying "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear," but I have been surprised to find that I had no idea what lessons I had to learn, or who was going to be doing the teaching! And the times when I though I was being called to be the teacher, lo and behold, it was ME who became the student, after all :eek:
 

Ariakas

Bosun
My biggest surprise about being poly is the reality that one relationship doesn't "make up" for the others. This hit me after one of my relationships ended abruptly due to things outside my control. I was absolutely devastated and inconsolable.

I would agree with this. Also, for me, in the same light, if I am interested in having some time with one, the other can't just slide into that slot. Its very discernible in my head. Although that is something I am trying to work on.
 

MindfulAgony

New member
I would agree with this. Also, for me, in the same light, if I am interested in having some time with one, the other can't just slide into that slot. Its very discernible in my head. Although that is something I am trying to work on.

Very interesting and so very true. Being attuned to our changing moods, passions and need to feel someone's particular energy (is that the underlying need behind "I miss you"?) is important and seems like people too often overlook it and its implications for who we spend our time with.

Thanks Ariakas. That's got me really thinking...
 
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Ariakas

Bosun
Very interesting and so very true. Being attuned to our changing moods, passions and need to feel someone's particular energy (as that the underlying need behind "I miss you"?) is important and seems like people too often overlook it and its implications for who we spend our time with.

Thanks Ariakas. That's got me really thinking...

Thats absolutely the case. I guess its on par with how sometimes couples don't mesh. One may be interested in the other, but one is not in the mood. Who knows..

Poly makes it infinitely more complex. :)
 

Braeica

New member
I guess I thought at some point the realities of everyday life would grind away that miraculous feel it has to it when you find your soul mate and then the two of you find somebody who fits into that like they were made for it.

Nope. Still whacks me upside the head at the randomest moments, even after all these years. Wouldn't have it any other way, either.
 

nycindie

Active member
Still whacks me upside the head at the randomest moments, even after all these years. Wouldn't have it any other way, either.

Braeica, Tell us more! Start a blog here or introduce yourself - it's so great to be able to read about successful long-term poly relationships! Yay!
 

Braeica

New member
I'm going to be rather shy in that department. Both my guys are working in fields that being poly would cost them their careers- and the paychecks that make our household go- so prudence is the better part of valor for us. But thank you for being interested. :)
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
My 2 biggest surprises:

1)That I met my dear darling gf so soon after splitting with my ex. She and I click like 2 puzzle pieces. I thank the universe for bringing her to me every day. Our relationship is mostly blissful, and when we have problems, we are able to work through them in short order.

2) That in the 2 years since, I haven't been able to find a man who I click with as well as I click with gf. Not for lack of trying and putting myself out there. Most men I've dated just seem to be so clueless, so bad at open and honest communication, too sex-focused, or not sexual enough, out of touch with their feelings, uninterested in commitment, too busy to date, in shaky so-called poly marriages that aren't really poly, too Dom, too sub, immature, boring, shallow, etc., etc.

If I didn't crave cock and testosterone and their muscles so much, I'd just give up!
 

Vinccenzo

New member
I learned that it matters very little to me if I'm poly or mono so long as I feel loved and respected. Without those elements, I don't want a relationship of any style.
 

Tonberry

New member
The surprises for me:

- that after two years of open marriage that was de facto mono, I could fall in love back to back with two men in two months.... and two men who were coworkers, too (they were extremely different in other ways, though)

- that I really don't have "slots". I would have done my best to manage all three (Raga, Seamus, W) at once if given the chance, and right now, after breaking up with Raga and being turned down by W, I have zero need to go for someone else at the moment. I am definitely attracted to specific people, and don't have a "perfect" number of partners that I need to be at to be happy.

- that people might understand you or not, reject or accept you, but there is really no way to predict their reaction until you come out to them.

- that you have to count your relationship with yourself, too, and take a good care of it as you would a relationship with anyone else

- that as much as I thought sex was important to me, I need emotional intimacy, communication and respect a lot more. When it (sex) is there, it's just some kind of bonus that doesn't matter so much either way. When it's not, I'm not the one who will notice.
 
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