Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness


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There is often a lot of struggle discussed in these forums. Struggle is natural and often necessary in achieving things that are worthwhile. I got caught up in some of the non-positive aspects of polyamory and allowed a lot of painful energy to enter my life. As a result I began feeling increased fear, doubt, and frustration in not understanding how my girlfriend Redpepper shares love and intimacy. (I am monogamous/ she is polyamorous). I want to share with the brave and interesting people on this forum but not at the detriment of the amazing love I have with Redpepper.

For this reason this thread is about sharing positive stories, success, happiness and good times in our and your poly lives.


To re-assure, and hopefully reinforce, that this is in fact natural (although not my nature LOL!), wonderful and worth working towards for those who want it, I have decided to share a quick but wonderful achievement in our lives.

Last night, Redpepper, her husband, her Lover and I got together with several other friends. We chatted and laughed at a pub before heading to a bar for some well-needed but poorly musically-funded dancing. At the pub I chuckled while watching Redpepper move around the table chatting with everyone, lovers and friends alike. This didn’t appear to be work or a balancing act. It looked like she was doing what came naturally to her, socializing and sharing with her friends.

At the bar we all danced together, or in different small groups, or as couples at times. There was no jealousy or “greediness” for Redpepper's attention. There was fun interacting amongst friends who care for each other.

We are very proud of what we have. That doesn’t make it easy, but makes it unbelievably fulfilling and completely worth every moment of anxiety, fear and insecurity. There is a shared love amongst us for one person and for each other.

The key to our success, I believe, is that each person cares so much for the other person and their wellbeing. Redpepper seemed more relaxed than I have ever seen her in this dynamic last night. There is no pulling to monopolize or even balance her attention amongst her lovers. There is just enjoyment in her presence and appreciation for the happiness she gives all of us. Seeing her lovers together as friends and enjoying time together gives her a radiance I can't describe!

We all have to work to make this possible, Redpepper more than any of us. But with genuine caring, you stop noticing the “work” aspect and it just becomes our nature to look after each other.

Thank you, Redpepper. You amaze and bless me with your love, despite the fact that you scare me… I had to say it!:)
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Yesterday I went with Redpepper, her husband and their son to a local island to look at some property for them. Her husband grew up on the island and he enjoyed showing me his old neighbourhood. I met his father and stepmother as well, although I am considered a friend of both their parents.

Throughout the day we rotated the car seating so each of us got to talk with each other, as well as spend time with their son. On the ferry ride, Redpepper sat between us at one point and had her arms around both of us. I didn't even look for people's responses, simply because I don't care. As long as her husband is comfortable and it is not so obvious as to confuse her son, I am fine with it.

At one point, we were having a picnic-style lunch, and it really struck me how natural and wonderful all of us feel together. Her husband is someone I could have a deep friendship with, in any case. Getting to know him is just another gift Redpepper and polyamory have given me. Her son wanted me to spend the night again LOL so I am feeling very good about my presence in regards to his wellbeing. Redpepper's family is starting to ask more questions about me, which is humorous and kind of nerve-wracking!

Feeling how good this is did stir up some fears of me screwing it up, due to my mono nature. But discussing things with Redpepper once again made me feel comfortable and safe.

I am on an amazing and fulfilling journey. We all are. I feel blessed in so many ways!!
ROCK ON MONO AND RED!!! I"m so happy for you guys. There are indeed too many stories of struggle on this board. Don't get me wrong, that's what this board is all about, but it's always wonderful to read a success story!

I'm thrilled for you guys and look forward to many more happy stories!!
Hi everyone,

Just a short update on the journey Redpepper and I have been on. :)

The love between us has been continuing to reach new levels, which staggers both of us. The relationships I have with her husband and son are flourishing and I am feeling more and more like family. Her son asked me if I was going to stay in this family and in the manner of children stated that “he was.” LOL! He tells me he loves me. I love him, as well.

Her husband and I have enjoyed working together on projects while camping and he has become my closest and most trusted confidant, outside of Redpepper herself. I can share my worries and feelings with him, as he is very logical and non-judgmental, seeing through the emotional clouds that Redpepper and I have peered through at times.

Redpepper and I went through a very serious moment of misunderstanding each other, which gave us a taste of what losing each other would feel like. This came out of misinterpreting our expectations and boundaries. More than anything, it was due to different definitions of the same ideas and words. It was honestly terrifying. Yet, once we each figured out what the other really needed and wanted, we were basically on the same page! The result has been a new level of confidence and security in our relationship, which has filled us with excitement in so many ways.

We are not forcing the future, although we all have similar goals and desires. Essentially, everyone in this relationship wants the others to be happy. Each of us is communicating and looking out for the wellbeing of the others. I have no issues with time balance or public displays of affection when we are all together (except when she tries to get me in trouble LOL!). My family is completely aware of our relationship. Redpepper’s family knows I am a very close personal friend and occasional “babysitter” for their son.

I can’t really speak for Redpepper and her husband, but they seem as strong and as in love as ever. I take great joy in aiding them in spending alone time together, which makes me feel like I am bringing them closer as a couple. I am quite comfortable in referring to myself as a secondary (although that is not the word they would prefer), and will always put their family and primary relationship first and foremost.

As a group, we are active in the local poly community through monthly meetings, where I humbly feel people view us as an example of deep poly success and what can be achieved if the right people come together.

We have challenges ahead, I’m sure, but they are getting harder to identify. We are focusing on the present, as opposed to living in a future that isn’t here yet.

I am extremely proud of Redpepper and feel blessed by every minute we have together alone and as a family, if I might be so bold as to use the word. I love her with all my heart and want only for her to be fulfilled and flourish. I definitely feel like a positive in her life and to her family, which is my critical requirement to be healthy and happy.

Take care everyone.

This wasn't quite as short as I intended. :D
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Another update!

I'm not pretending there are no challenges for me and Redpepper. Not everything is flowers and butterflies, but I want to continue sharing our adventure on this thread. :)

Tonight I was invited to Redpepper's parents' house for a family supper. It was relaxed, incredible and so natural for all of us to be together. Her brother was there, as well as a deep family friend of hers. We felt like family. Redpeppper felt it. I caught her looking around and looking so full. Her parents do not know about us yet and that is absolutely fine by me. :) I think we could wait a lot longer for things to settle out. Not to mention it's gonna get awkward!! They accept me as a friend and that is enough for me LOL!!

All of us would have been friends, regardless of my involvement in their family, I think. We are all doing great in the moment. :D
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That's such a positive update. Its great to see your relationship flourishing. You both sound very much in love and very content.
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That's wonderful Mono......enjoy every moment like that, that you can! They sure feel good.
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Knowing that all relationships have challenges, it is nice to read the positive aspects too. TFS
It just got better too!! :D We had a major breakthrough towards the future yesterday.

I recently became so threatened by the future that I completely devoted myself to living in the moment. There is nothing wrong with living in the moment, but I was so deep into it that I was stopping us from moving forward. It was great not thinking about anything but what I was doing at that time. But I was missing something, and Redpepper felt it too. I felt like there was no future, which leaves blackness when we are not together.

We got to the root of my issue, revolving around insecurities which were blocking my ability to move forward. I simply had to ask for what I needed to feel secure in committing to her and her family on a deeper level. I am excited and more in love with her than ever. :)
Just a very quick note, I promise. :)

There is a very calm and yet exciting security that has entered my relationship with Redpepper. Her husband asked that we all get together for a drink prior to our date night recently. I love these opportunities to group bond. We had a great time, with lots of laughter. Everything is just feeling so right. We all checked in and discussed what each of us was getting from the relationship. I was very tempted to forego private time with Redpepper and just hang out as a group. He is a very close friend and I would enjoy his company under any circumstances.

Again, I am thankful to Redpepper for not only sharing her love with me, but in also allowing me to make a wonderful new friend in her husband.
I continue to be amazed at just how lucky I am and how natural this all is. :D

Thank you, Lilo. You have very little idea just how immense and special the love I have for you and your family is. But I have lots of time and boundless energy to show you.
Thank you for sharing. I read these posts with a big smile and hope that we can all be as happy as you are.
With work, every one can be, for sure! It's never all butterflies, but there is so much good. :D

You are very welcome. Take care.
With work, every one can be, for sure! It's never all butterflies, but there is so much good. :D

Redpepper and I spoke about just how much work has gone into this relationship, achieving something that is growing and continues to amaze us. We are becoming normalized within our V. When I say normalized, I mean simply that it just feels like this is the way it is supposed to be. I'm not talking about the understanding of extended family, but the comfort amongst her, her husband and me. This also includes her son, who has become bonded with me. I simply know she is there and we are all together with the welfare of each other put first. We feel like a constant... not static, but a constant that is evolving based on a rock solid core.

We fought an emotional war to get here. Twice we hit breaking points where we had to make decisions about staying together. Once it felt terminal, like there was no way to move forward. Our depth of love and the wisdom of her husband kept us fighting to find a way. It was a matter of knowing this was immensely worth it and not an effort to prove we could do it. It came from wanting to share lifetimes together. We fought with each other a little and within ourselves a lot. I certainly did.

This is so worth it. I have never struggled with something like this before and I'm sure Redpepper would say it was exhausting and almost too much at times. In our love and commitment to building a future we have made it, I feel. Now it is our continuing growth and "normalizing" it for the rest of our friends and family that is our challenge. It is not inside us anymore, in a lot of ways. Now it is more a challenge of logistics and not love. Our love is secure.

I am proud of us.

I hope everyone gets exactly what they are looking for in this. Good luck and lots of love. :D
We fought an emotional war to get here. Twice we hit breaking points where we had to make decisions about staying together. This is so worth it. I am proud of us.

Wow, what a battle, hey? I am proud of us too. What a long way from that conversation we had where you couldn't believe that my husband and I were still in love after all these years and couldn't believe that I wouldn't get bored at some point after our NRE wore off. I told you then that I would always love you and that this was real for me and that we could also be in love for a long time to come, too. You looked so scared and disbelieving. There has never been a doubt in my mind. It is becoming real... all that we wanted.

I think sometimes people get scared to face their fears when they get to a certain point in their relationships and are unable to move forward because of the disabling effect of that fear. In return, they tend to stagnate and eventually fall out of love with one another. Of course, sometimes people just get too busy and self-absorbed, also. What a gift it is when I face my fears and dive right into my relationships. I feel as if I have NRE (new relationship energy) all over again, but on a deeper level! I know there are more NRE feelings to come, as long as we work hard. It's our reward, each other and the deepness of our love. I have it with my husband, and now with you too, Mono.

I'm so lucky. Is it just luck? No, I think it's really hard work, as well. I love you. For all to hear. I love you.